ANYways... on with the show.
I Hate Traveling By Plane
All of 4/27 we can just write off. It was just plane travel. Suckaroonie. At 6:30am on Friday an airline whose first initial is "D" calls my parents to tell them that the flights they were booked for have been cancelled and we now have to make new arrangements. See if you can spot the difference between the following two flight plans:
1) BOSTON --- DALLAS --- SAN FRANCISCO --- HONOLULU
2) BOSTON --- ATLANTA --- LOS ANGELES --- HONOLULU
Answer - "2" really sucks the llama's ass as far as plane travel goes. You're basically wasting a trip by going south for no good reason except to connect with westbound flights. It also takes about an extra two hours of travel time. sigh. Needless to say, we arrive on Oahu (oh-AH-hoo) and check in and go comatose around 11:30pm local time.
So, the real "arrival" in my mind was today, the first real day of vacationing. We had a day to tool around the island and do stuff before catching the final connecting flight over to Kahalui (ka-HA-loo-ee), Maui (Ma-OO-ee) to get to our condo in Kihei (kee-HEY-ee).
My Dad And I Are Famous
The first thing we have to do is get dry ice to pack the sausage that my dad brought on the plane so that we can keep it frozen until we get to Maui. The plan is to find dry ice, rent a car, get the dry ice, get the bags from the hotel, pack the sausage with the ice, then get all the bags and check out and just drive around in the car all day. Good plan.
We find a distributor in the phone book that happens to sell dry ice. We rent the car with no incident, a big honkin' white Lincoln Town Car (the only non-truck vehicle that can fit all the bags we've got with us).
Sidebar: Everywhere we go, my dad and I get looks and double takes. It is apparently so amazing that we look alike that it elicits response from almost everyone, of any age, that we run into. This vacation is no different.
We pull into the warehouse where the distributor is, go up the stairs to their office and proceed to purchase said dry ice. An asian family, presumably the one that owns the business, is populating the office - an elder couple, two younger women, and two babies. We make our transaction, and the elder asian woman proceeds to say to us:
"You two BIG guys. You strongmen?"
My dad and I look at each other.
"You strongmen huh! I see you on TV, you pull trucks!"
To which my dad of course replies, "Oh, we don't pull trucks any more."
"AH HA, I knew it! You pull trucks!"
My dad and I can only assume that she believes that we were both past participants in the World's Strongest Man competition. Much laughter ensues from everyone in the office.
Hanging Loose With The Local Brudders
We then spend time driving around Oahu, up the highways along the coastline. We stop at a nice little beach spot about 15 minutes outside of Honolulu; the sun has come out fully, and the scene is absolutely beautiful, so my mom insists that it's now time to go and dip her feet in the ocean. An excellent plan. We get out there and run into a native with polynesian "tatows" on his arms and chest who's curling up on the sand, letting the waves wash gently over him. The local's name is Bill, and he kindly introduces himself to me and my dad and talks about how wonderful it is to live here and how the water "is jost like a bed".
The water is at least a good 75 or 80 degrees, almost so tepid that it's body temp. It is perfectly clear and fairly shallow, lapping against a white coral beach. Bill tells us how the current is very strong and runs parallel with the beach. I then decide at that point to just get my ass in the water, even though we have no beach towels or any other accoutrements. I savor every second of warm salty bliss; the miracle of SPF 30 keeps me from burning to a crisp, and I start getting the humble beginnings of a nice tan.
My foolish parents wore no protection. I've watched them become more and more boiled-lobster-like as the day's worn on... I know my dad will be fine, you just pour Wesson on him and turn him once in a while until completely brown; but my poor mom is going to be in serious agony tomorrow. They'll hopefully pick up some soothing stuff at the supermarket tonight.
Back to the beach, we meet more members of Bill's family - his brother Daryl, and his other brother Vince. They're a great bunch, very amiable and great to talk with. My mom and dad chat them up more, then after saying some quick goodbyes they return to their family cookout and we pale howlies return to the ocean.
The rest of the day is fairly uneventful (barring my mom almost slamming my dad's finger in the car door), until we get to the airport. A short plane ride later, we're in Maui. For some reason, the airline which starts with a "D" can only build terminals at the extreme ends of airports, and you have to walk uphill both ways to get to baggage claim. Still, we're finally done with planes and hotels and crap. We're at our final destination, and the vacation can truly begin.
Typifying Every Vacation I've Ever Taken With My Parents
Every trip we take, there's a running gag on my mom. In past trips, she was known as "The Monkey Wrench" and "The Crab" for various reasons I won't go into. This trip the gag is "Do the opposite of what mom says, and that will be the correct thing". This is usually in the form of the additional driving instruction she supplies, but also worked its way into a few other humorous instances on the road and at the airport.
All day long, my parents are after each other in various ways, each trying to one up the other in jokes or in getting digs in. It's just the way they are; sometimes it's incredibly frustrating, but other times is amazingly funny... and the amazingly funny parts are almost always the hardest to describe, a "you had to be there" kind of thing. Still, I will attempt to do so, as this is just too damn funny to not share.
I'm standing outside the rental car agency waiting with the baggage. My parents come out and are fairly somber; we get the car, pack it up, and we're on our way out west to the resort.
Tensions in the car mount as my mom, who is now driving, insists that certain locations are or are not along the way. My dad absolutely insists that a restaurant in question is back the way we came, that we would have to go right instead of taking the left that we took. Shortly thereafter, we pass said restaurant. This straw breaks my mother's back, and she then tells me the story of what happened back at the rental car place.
They're having issues with the agent, and they're getting wrapped up with the transaction. My father, thinking ahead to the somewhat long car trip, says to my mother - "Gotta squirt?". My mother stares at him. As my father described, the ticket agent's glasses fell off from the impact of his eyes hitting them as they popped out.
My mom is mortified. This is, of course, expected behavior from my father, especially as the day wears on and he gets a little more tired. Nonetheless, he never fails to surprise her with these moments. The car ride back is filled with jocular invective - "I can't believe you said that" "Well I knew I had to ask, because you didn't go on the plane" "Well I DID have to go" "AH HA!! See?? Ah HA!" "Can you believe your father? 'Gotta squirt?' GOTTA SQUIRT??"
My father proceeds to say "I knew I shouldn't have said nothing. My inside voice was going [*insert sound of my dad screaming in a quiet strangled little voice*]". I immediately crack up with laughter, because all I can picture is a tiny version of my dad standing on my dad's shoulder holding his head and screaming while stomping up and down like a sumo wrestler. I share this with the car, and we all break down laughing hysterically the rest of the car ride.
Last Words
First thing we do upon checking in at the resort is to call my dad's Uncle Mickey (the third Michael Caprio in the family) who's staying in the condo below ours. My parents, always wanting to introduce others (especially family) to the beauty of Hawaii, invited my uncle Mickey and aunt Gloria as well as his daughter Linda and her new husband Jonathan along for this trip. We go downstairs and chat it up with them for a good hour or so.
This is definitely looking to be a really good time - a nice family vacation in a beautiful place. Who can ask for more?
Tomorrow will be the official start of mom's itinerary (which she actually forgot at home. But she'll write it down again at some point...).
Aloha, and see you tomorrow!