AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! %% Look out! Behind you! %%  *** System shutdown message from root *** System going down in 60 seconds %% [Cunixc Continued] %% FINAL WARNING -- SYSTEM GOING DOWN IMMEDIATELY %% PLAYGIRL, Inc. Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 Dear Sir: Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call us. Sympathetically, Amanda L. Smith p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? %% War --- "He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-country stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% 11-28-88 Post Thanksgiving "Far Away" I miss her presence, The warmth of her smile. I miss the kidding, Her laughing the while. I miss the nearness, The love in her eyes. I miss the freshness, And endless surprise. I miss the wond'ring- Wha'd she mean by "OK?" I miss line-running, And talking all day. I miss the hugs, The warmth of her touch. And I miss her spirit, I love her so much. -- Kurt WERLE %% Censorship ---------- "I cannot convince myself that there is anyone so wise, so universally comprehensive in his judgment, that he can be trusted with the power to tell others: 'You shall not express yourself thus, you shall not describe your own experiences; or depict the fantasies which your mind has created; or laugh at what others set up as respectable; or question old beliefs; or contradict the dogmas of the church, of our society, our economic systems, and our political orthodoxy.'" -- Jake Zeitlin %% Penguins -------- "I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin--different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he sits still and minds his own business." -- Bernard Stonehouse %% Religion -------- "Your petitioners are Atheists and they define their ideas as follows. An Atheist loves his fellow man instead of a god. An Atheist knows that heaven is something for which we should work now--here on earth--for all men together to enjoy. An Atheist knows that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find within himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it and to enjoy it. An Atheist knows that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment. "An Atheist seeks to know himself then and his fellow rather than to know a god. An Atheist understands that a hospital must be built instead of a church. An Atheist knows that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand, love and accept all of mankind. He wants an ethical way of life. He knows that we cannot rely on a god, channel action into prayer, or hope for an end to our troubles in a hereafter. He knows that we are not only our brother's keepers--but keepers of our own lives foremost, that we are responsible persons and that the job is here and the time is now." -- Murray vs. Curlett, 374 U.S. 203 (1963) (Atheists have to get their scripture wherever they can find it :-) %% A Day Off So you want a day off. Let's look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year, in which you already have two days off, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available, You spend 30 min. each day on coffee break, that accounts for 23 more days each year, leaving only 68 days. With a one hour lunch each day, you use up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, leaving only 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year leaving you only 1 day available for work and I'll be dammed if you're going to take that day off!!! %% APPLICATION FORM Mothers And Fathers of Italian Ancestry (M.A.F.I.A.) Watza-U-Name ________________________________________ U-Hage __________________ Watza-U-Howza Numbero _________________ U-Stretta _____________________________ Watza-U-Bag: Hittaman _________ Lona-Arranger ___________ Prostittuta ________ Izza U Girl or Boy (Orizza U Girl-Oh-Boy) ______________ (Pick one, Weizza Guy) Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now _______________________________________________ Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse: ___________________________________________________ For Whatza Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse For: ____________________________________ U Shoote One Guiz ____________________ U Keednap Sumbodys _____________________ Porteckshion Raggets _______________________ Udder Thingza ____________________ U Wanna Be De Bigga Shotz, Sumdaze? Yazze: ________ No: ________ Eh: _________ U Likka Eata Garlic: ____________ Pizza: _____________ Salami: ________________ U Know Ow To Makea De Cement Shooz? ___________________________________________ U Driva De Car _______ Cadillac ________ Buick ___________ Linken _____________ U Likea Spagetti _____ Calamara ________ Boyze ___________ Girlze _____________ (Peek justa one - no foola rounde, cuz I slappa U face.) U Sees De Godfather? ___________________ Or Justa De Movie? ___________________ %% Excuses ======= Submitted by (The following are actual notes written to school teachers by emphatic parents. There are no typos.) 1). "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." 2). "Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." 3). "Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault." 4). "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33." 5. "Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins." 6). "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover." 7). "Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She was administrating." 8). "Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well." 9). "Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor." 10). "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps." %% MOUNTIES: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... Just like my dear Pappa. %% dancer she danced at night on the sand in the waves when no one was looking when they came for her she was sitting in the sand hugging her knees and the ocean was in her eyes they did not see her footprints the tide had washed them away they have never seen her dance they have never seen her fall laughing in the water they would not understand that the falling is part of the dance they would not understand when she danced they called her awkward they would not understand -- copyright 1987 (same deal here) (gypsy) %% Three Squaws ============ Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the three formed a triangle. It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day. The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had an 11-lb son. To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first proof of the Pythagorean Theorem: "The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the two adjacent hides." %% VIKING HOME JOURNAL (Todays Journal for the modern viking) * Three fast and tasty village dog recipes for the working viking who doesn't have all day to cook. * War wound stitchery - Don't throw away those severed body parts. Needle point tips that can make that foot or arm good as new. * Burning pitch techniques that can really let you rain hell on your neighbors! * Surrounded by intellectuals - How one viking escaped. By David-the-Saxon. * Viking mid-life crisis - Is raping murdering and pillaging all there is ? * Is your son a Pansy? - A candid article by Erick-the-Red which every father should read. * Don't let your viking tupperware party end in a blood bath - Do's and don'ts for a successful evening. * Detroit unveils the New 90 line of warships - Faster, sleeker, fewer slaves in the galley! AT YOUR VILLAGE NEWSSTANDS NOW ! %% off season i stood in the water and when the waves came in they were up to my knees sometimes they splashed my guitar and i played your song over and over i'm so damn tired of writing love songs must've sang that damn song ten maybe fifteen times and the people came up and asked me why are you standing in the water by yourself you'll catch cold and aren't you lonely and i said go away leave me alone that was the way i planned it see and then i went back to watching the waves there's something about the ocean in off season that reminds me of you -- copyright 1986 (my real name which i prefer not to reveal on the net) (gypsy) %% 'MIRI' [**] First aired October 27, 1966. The landing party contracts a disease that strikes after puberty, while the children still alive on the planet refuse to let them contact the ship for help. %% First Offender ============== Only a short sentence, but he was no less shocked to hear it pronounced. Never caught before, he had assumed he could get away every time. He flashed a helpless, appealing glance towards his anxious relatives. But it was too late. He had owned up. He had said "I do." -- Dostoevsky %% Great Exam Lies =============== by Dr. Strangeloop and The Eater of Babies (1) "All the data you need will be printed on the front of the paper." (2) "You only need to answer two questions to pass." (3) "It's not a test of memory, it's a test of ability." (4) "There's plenty of time to read through the paper before you start." (5) (from the lecture course) "I probably won't test you on this." %% Politics & Philosophy --------------------- "All I know is that I am not a Marxist" -- Karl Marx; Attr. in Engels, letter to C. Schmidt, 5 Aug 1890 %% 'ARENA' [***] First aired January 19, 1967. Kirk and a reptilian alien (The Gorn) must duel to the death to determine whose ship will survive. %% Chapter XII OF Auxiliary, Mixed, and National Arms The second sort of unprofitable arms are auxiliaries, by whom I mean, troops brought to help and protect you by a potentate whom you summon to your aid; Auxiliaries may be excellent and useful soldiers for themselves, but are always hurtful to him who calls them in; for if they are defeated, he is undone, if victorious, he becomes their prisoner. . . . -- from "The Prince", by Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), 1513 %% FEAR OF FAILING (Outlandish comments from professors on student papers) "What's page one, a preemptive strike?" -- Professor David Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College "The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again." -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College "I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability." -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University %% ___ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3 V 4 2 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 7 Take twelve and add one forty-four Plus twenty and thrice square root of four, Divide that sum by seven, Add five times eleven And you've nine squared and not a bit more. %% 'CATSPAW' [* 1/2] First aired October 27, 1967. Amidst an atmosphere of witches and dungeons, a pair of aliens use seemingly magical powers in an attempt to trick further scientific information from the people of the Enterprise. %% 'CHARLIE X' [***] First aired September 15, 1966. A teenager, raised by aliens and possessing some of their unusual powers, proves incapable of adjusting to human society and emotions. %% 'THE APPLE' [**] First aired October 13, 1967. The Enterprise finds itself under attack by Vaal, a machine that guides the actions and even the environment of a primitive populace. %% (####) (#######) (#########) (#########) (#########) (#########) __&__ (#########) / \ (#########) |\/\/\/| /\ /\ /\ /\ | | (#########) | | | V \/ \---. .----/ \----. | (o)(o) (o)(o)(##) | | \_ / \ / C .---_) ,_C (##) | (o)(o) (o)(o) <__. .--\ (o)(o) /__. | |.___| /____, (##) C _) _C / \ () / | \__/ \ (#) | ,___| /____, ) \ > (C_) < /_____\ | | | / \ /----' /___\____ /___\ /_____/ \ OOOOOO /____\ ooooo /| |\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ Homer Marge Bart Lisa Baby Maggie THE SIMPSONS %% 'AMOK TIME' [****] First aired September 15, 1967. Spock is forced by the instinctive Vulcan mating cycle to return to his home planet and take a wife. %% 'I, MUDD' [*** 1/2] First aired November 3, 1967. The Enterprise is forced to a planet populated by androids and ruled by their old nemesis, Harcourt Fenton Mudd. %% 'METAMORPHOSIS' [*] First aired November 10, 1967. A shuttlecraft is forced down to a planet as company for a stranded spaceman, who has been kept young by a gaseous alien called the 'Companion'. %% 'SHORE LEAVE' [**] First aired December 29, 1966. The crew of the Enterprise takes shore leave on a planet where their every thought is immediately converted to reality. %% 'SPOCK'S BRAIN' [*] First aired September 20, 1968. A mysterious woman surgically removes Spock's brain. %% 'THE MAN TRAP' [**] First aired September 8, 1966. The Enterprise is ravaged by a creature that sucks the salt from its victims' bodies, and that is capable of assuming any identity. %% ANNOUNCER . . . Harpo broke a tradition of years and agreed to speak over the radio. A thrilled audience sat tense and nervous as Harpo and his interviewer approached the microphone in the studios of XKVYRVTD. In the control room, a red light flashed. History in the making! Harpo on the air!! INTERVIEWER (nasal voice) Mr. Marx, this is a great occasion for me. Never in your career have you uttered one single word from stage or screen. And just think, I, who all the boys used to call, "Stinky", am to be the first person to interview you. First, I'd like you to tell our great unseen audience something about your new picture, "A Day At the Races". (Silence) We're waiting, Mr. Marx. (Silence) HARPO INTERVIEWER Thank you, Mr. Marx. ANNOUNCER And thank *you*, Mr. Interviewer. And, as Harpo Marxes out, "TIME MARXES ON"! %% OUR ASCII ALPHABET A for ASCII, our alphabet's name. N the New version which doesn't fit. B for Bugs, for which we get blamed. O is the Operating system we buy. C the Computer, which never works right. P the Patch to make programs fry. D is Debugging the rest of the night. Q is for Qwerty of typewriter lore. E is Errors, we try to forget. R is the Ram we used to call core. F is Files, we need to invent. S the Standard we'll follow some day. G is 'G', whose control we call bell. T is the Teletype banging away. H is headaches, we know them so well. U is the User, that unhappy man. I is Input we handle with care. V the Vengeance he wreaks when he can. J is Jump to nobody knows where. W is Work, it's the managers call. K is Kill, we do when we're bored. X is the Xerox machine down the hall. L is Listings, which cover the floor. Y is the Yes you reply by mistake. M is Memory dropping from it. Z is the Zeros all over your tape. %% THE LUMBERJACK SONG Monty Python Shopkeeper: Well, I, I never wanted to be a pet store shopkeeper! I wanted to be out, in the great outdoors, in British Columbia! With my girlie by my side, fresh air and trees--- I want to be a LUMBERJACK! Ohhhh...... I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK, I sleep all night and I work all day! Chorus (sung by a group of Canadian Mounties): Oh, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory-- On Wednesdays I go shopping, And have buttered scones for tea! Chorus: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers-- I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars! Chorus: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra-- I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear papa! Chorus: %% "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" I hold your hand in mine, dear, The night you died I cut it off, I press it to my lips. I really don't know why. I take a healthy bite But now every time I kiss it From your dainty fingertips. I get bloodstains on my tie. My joy would be complete, dear, I'm sorry now I killed you, If you were only here, For our love was something fine, But still I keep your hand And 'til they come to get me As a precious souvenir. I shall hold your hand in mine. -- Tom Leher, from "Songs by Tom Lehrer" %% "The Twelve Days After Christmas" The first day after Christmas The sixth day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight The six laying geese wouldn't lay And so I chopped the pear tree down I gave the whole darn gaggle to And burnt it just for spite. The A.S.P.C.A. And with a single cartridge The seventh day what a mess I found I shot that blasted partridge All seven swimming swans had drowned My true love, My true love The eighth day before they could suspect My true love gave to me. I bundled up the Eight maids a-milking, The second day after Christmas Nine ladies dancing, I pulled on the old rubber gloves Ten lords a-leaping, And very gently wrung the necks Eleven pipers piping, Of both the turtle doves. Twelve drummers drumming, (Well, actually I kept one of the maids) The third day after Christmas ...And sent them back collect. My mother came down with the croup I had to use the three French hens And so I wrote my true love, To make some chicken soup. "We are through, love! And I've said it in so many words The four calling birds were a big mistake Furthermore your Christmas gifts For their language was obscene Are for the... The five golden rings were completely fake ...B Four calling birds And they turned my fingers green. I Three french hens R Two turtle doves D And a partridge S! in a pear tree! %% 'A PIECE OF THE ACTION' [*****] First aired January 12, 1968. Kirk must figure out a way to counteract the effects of an earlier expedition, which caused a planet's civilization to pattern itself after the Chicago mobs of the Twenties. Features Vic Tayback. %% 'A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR' [***] First aired February 2, 1968. When the Klingons hasten the arms development of one faction on a hitherto peaceful planet, Kirk must arm the other side in order to maintain a balance of power. %% 'A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON' [***] First aired February 23, 1967. The Enterprise and its crew are declared casualties in an interplanetary war entirely simulated by computers. %% 'ALL OUR YESTERDAYS' [***] First aired March 14, 1969. A rescue mission to a planet whose sun is about to nova results in Kirk, Spock, and McCoy being sent to various eras in the planet's past. %% 'AND THE CHILDREN SHALL LEAD' [*] First aired October 11, 1968. A group of children, under alien domination, play on the crew members' secret fears in order to gain control of the ship. %% 'ASSIGNMENT: EARTH' [****] First aired March 29, 1968. On a historical fact-finding mission to 1969, the Enterprise accidentally intercepts an interplanetary agent out to sabotage an orbiting nuclear platform. Terri Garr in a classic bimbo role. %% 'BALANCE OF TERROR' [*** 1/2] First aired December 15, 1966. Kirk matches wits against a Romulan commander in the first encounter between the species to occur in several decades. %% 'BREAD AND CIRCUSES' [*] First aired March 15, 1968. The Enterprise encounters a civilization that combines the features of the Roman Empire with 20th-century technology. %% 'BY ANY OTHER NAME' [** 1/2] First aired February 23, 1968. A group of aliens from the Andromeda galaxy commandeer the Enterprise to make the journey back home. %% 'COURT-MARTIAL' [**] First aired February 2, 1967. Kirk is placed on trial when the ship's record tapes show he committed an error that cost a man's life. %% 'DAGGER OF THE MIND' [***] First aired November 3, 1966. A deranged escapee from a penal planet causes Kirk to investigate the psychiatric treatments being administered there. %% 'DAY OF THE DOVE' [** 1/2] First aired November 1, 1968. Klingons and the Enterprise crew must unite to overcome an alien who feeds on the hatred between them. %% 'ELAAN OF TROYIUS' [** 1/2] First aired December 20, 1968. The Enterprise's task of transporting an imperious woman to another planet for marriage is complicated by Kirk's falling in love with her. Problems arise because this wench's tears are cause any man touching them to fall madly in love with her,and guess who goes and does it -- none other than Kirk. %% 'ERRAND OF MERCY' [*** 1/2] First aired March 23, 1967. Kirk and Spock, stranded on Organia, attempt to interfere with the Klingon occupation of the planet, despite the Organians' insistence upon the necessity of non-violence. %% 'FRIDAY'S CHILD' [***] First aired December 1, 1967. Negotiations over mining rights become a battle for survival when McCoy unintentionally violates a tribal taboo. %% 'GALILEO SEVEN' [* 1/2] First aired January 5, 1967. Spock finds himself in command of the shuttlecraft Galileo, stranded on a hostile planetoid. %% 'JOURNEY TO BABEL' [***] First aired November 17, 1967. Crisis piles atop crisis when the Enterprise is in charge of transporting a volatile cargo of Federation diplomats, including Spock's parents. %% 'MIRROR, MIRROR' [***] First aired October 6, 1967. Kirk, McCoy, Scott, and Uhura are accidentally exchanged with their counterparts in a parallel universe, where instead of the Federation they find a violent, dictatorial Empire. %% 'MUDD'S WOMEN' [** 1/2] First aired October 13, 1966. Jack-of-all-illegal-trades Harry Mudd is transported aboard the Enterprise along with his cargo, three irresistibly beautiful women. %% 'OBSESSIONS' [*** 1/2] First aired December 15, 1967. Kirk disregards all other responsibilities in an effort to destroy a gaseous cloud that absorbs red corpuscles from human bodies. %% 'OPERATION--ANNIHILATE' [**] First aired April 13, 1967. The Enterprise faces an onslaught by parasitic creatures that invade the nervous system to take control of their hosts. %% 'PATTERNS OF FORCE' [**] First aired February 16, 1968. A Federation historian ignores the Prime Directive and reshapes a planet's society along the lines of Nazi Germany. %% 'PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN' [*] First aired November 22, 1968. The dwarf Alexander's lack of mind-over-matter abilities may be the only clue to aid Kirk in defeating a band of telekinetics. %% 'REQUIEM FOR METHUSELAH' [**] First aired February 14, 1969. Flint, an immortal, uses Kirk to rouse emotions in Rana, an android,so that she will become fully human and can be a suitable, immortal mate. %% 'RETURN OF THE ARCHONS' [**] First aired February 9, 1967. An entire planet is under the total mental control of a mysterious being known as 'Landru'. %% 'RETURN TO TOMORROW' [** 1/2] First aired February 9, 1968. Highly advanced alien minds 'borrow' bodies, including those of Kirk and Spock, in order to build permanent android bodies. One of them, however, does not wish to leave his borrowed body. With Mariette Hartley. %% 'SPACE SEED' [*** 1/2] First aired February 16, 1967. The Enterprise runs across a 'sleeper ship' full of supermen fleeing their defeat in the Eugenics Wars. %% 'SPECTRE OF THE GUN' [***] First aired October 25, 1968. Kirk et al find themselves on the losing side of the gunfight at the OK Corral. %% 'THAT WHICH SURVIVES' [** 1/2] First aired January 24, 1969. A mysterious woman whose touch is death threatens the landing party. %% 'THE ALTERNATIVE FACTOR' [*] First aired March 30, 1967. A schizophrenic personality named Lazarus seems to be the key to an anomaly in the space-time fabric of the universe. %% 'THE CHANGELING' [***] First aired September 29, 1967. Nomad, an ancient Earth probe, has combined with an alien probe (The Other) to form an incredibly powerful mechanism that is determined to destroy all 'imperfect' life forms. %% 'THE CLOUD MINERS' [**] First aired February 28, 1969. Kirk's attempt to pick up a shipment of a vital mineral embroils him in the demands of the oppressed miners against the rulers. %% 'THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING' [*/2] (***) First aired December 8, 1966. The star of a Shakespearean acting company may be the infamous 'Kodos the Executioner'. %% 'THE CORBOMITE MANEUVER' [***] First aired November 10, 1966. To stave off an attack by an alien vessel, Kirk concocts the now-famous 'Corbomite' bluff. %% 'THE DEADLY YEARS' [****] First aired December 8, 1967. Kirk is relieved of command when he and other officers contract a disease that results in senility and death by old age within days. %% 'THE DEVIL IN THE DARK' [***] First aired March 9, 1967. A mining operation is ravaged by a monster that dissolves men's bodies. The classic 'Horta' bit. %% 'THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE' [**** 1/2] First aired October 20, 1967. The starships Enterprise and Constellation battle an enormous machine that destroys planets and consumes them for fuel. %% 'THE EMPATH' [*/2] First aired December 6, 1968. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are manipulated by aliens who use them to teach compassion to a girl capable of absorbing the pain and injuries of others. %% 'THE ENEMY WITHIN' [* 1/2] First aired October 6, 1966. A transporter malfunction splits Kirk into two personalities, one brutal and incapable of control, the other gentle and incapable of command. %% 'THE ENTERPRISE INCIDENT' [****] First aired September 27, 1968. Kirk goes mad and Spock turns traitor in an attempt to steal an improved cloaking device from the Romulans. %% 'THE GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION' [**] First aired January 5, 1968. Kirk, Uhura, and Chekov are captured for use in gambling conflicts. %% 'THE IMMUNITY SYNDROME' [*** 1/2] First aired January 19, 1968. A gigantic single-celled creature, which feeds on the energy necessary to our form of life, invades our galaxy. %% 'THE LIGHTS OF ZETAR' [***] First aired January 31, 1969. An electrical cloud formed by the life-essences of the long-dead Zetarians seeks to possess the body of Scotty's new-found sweetheart. %% 'THE MARK OF GIDEON' [** 1/2] First aired January 17, 1969. Kirk is decoyed into a replica of the Enterprise. While Spock searches for him through a maze of diplomatic red tape, the people of Gideon are using him as a source of alien infection. %% 'THE MENAGERIE (part I)' [**** 1/2] First aired November 17, 1966. Spock risks the death penalty by hijacking his old commander, Captain Pike, to Talos IV. Court-martial testimony (actually scenes taken from 'The Cage', Star Trek's original pilot episode) recreates the story of Pike's earlier encounter with the Talosians. %% 'THE MENAGERIE (part II)' [****] First aired November 24, 1966. The conclusion to the previous episode, in which the remainder of the earlier visit to Talos IV is shown, and Spock makes clear why he felt it necessary to return there with Pike. %% 'THE NAKED TIME' [*** 1/2] First aired September 29, 1966. A strange malady strikes the crew of the Enterprise, causing them to succumb to their innermost desires. %% 'THE OMEGA GLORY' [*] First aired March 1, 1968. Captain Tracy, believing he has found a planet containing the secret of eternal youth, interferes in the struggle between the two planetary cultures, the Yangs and the Kohms. %% 'THE PARADISE SYNDROME' [*** 1/2] First aired October 4, 1968. In a state of amnesia, Kirk marries and finds happiness with Miramanee, an Indian maiden. Meanwhile, Spock must find a way to save her planet from an impending meteor collision. %% 'THE SAVAGE CURTAIN' [**] First aired March 7, 1969. Lincoln of Earth and Sarek of Vulcan join Kirk and Spock in battle against a group of villains, while alien observers examine the distinctions between good and evil. %% 'THE SQUIRE OF GOTHOS' [** 1/2] First aired January 12, 1967. The crew of the Enterprise are made unwilling guests of the powerful but capricious General Trelane (retired). %% 'THE THOLIAN WEB' [**] First aired November 15, 1968. The Tholians entrap the Enterprise, not believing that the crew is merely trying to save Kirk from a hyperspace warp. %% 'THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES' [*****] First aired December 29, 1967. Kirk must put up with Federation bureaucrats and hordes of hungry tribbles while protecting a shipment of quadrotriticale (wheat) against Klingon sabotage. %% 'THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER' [*** 1/2] First aired March 8, 1968. The Enterprise is put under total control of a new type of computer, which then refuses to relinquish control. %% 'THE WAY TO EDEN' [*/2] First aired February 21, 1969. A group of space hippies are searching for the legendary planet of Eden. Doc Severin (ears) and Adam. Spock jams. %% 'THIS SIDE OF PARADISE' [*** 1/2] First aired March 2, 1967. Strange spores cause the entire crew of the Enterprise to mutiny and beam down to a planet where all work is done in unity and contentment. Interesting encounter between Spock and an incredibly beautiful blond. %% 'TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY' [****] First aired January 26, 1967. The Enterprise is accidentally flung back to the year 1967, where they find they must take desperate measures in an attempt to avoid changing history. You get to see the Enterprise from the bottom. %% 'TURNABOUT INTRUDER' [* 1/2] First aired March 28, 1969. A woman bitterly jealous of Kirk uses an alien device to exchange her consciousness with his, and then attempts to kill her body and thus Kirk's mind. %% 'WHO MOURNS FOR ADONAIS' [**] First aired September 22, 1967. The Enterprise is seized by a being claiming to be the god Apollo, who requires their worship to survive. %% 'WHOM GODS DESTROY' [* 1/2] First aired January 3, 1969. Captain Garth, having taken over the penal planet where he was being treated, uses his ability to change shape in an attempt to get aboard the Enterprise. %% 'WINK OF AN EYE' [* 1/2] First aired November 29, 1968. The Enterprise is invaded by beings who move too fast for human eyes to detect. %% 'WOLF IN THE FOLD' [* 1/2] First aired December 22, 1967. Scotty appears to be the only logical suspect in a bizarre series of murders. %% *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! %% -- Gifts for Children -- This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" %% -- Gifts for Men -- Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" %% --- (0 0) Kilroy was here ----------------------W--U--W------------------------------ %% ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!! %% DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. %% Dreams Are For The Damned copyright 1986 meredith tanner You live in unreality Your head is in the clouds You go to work at nine each day Your mama would be proud You come back home at five o'clock Your mind is in a daze You're living in your fantasy You turn another page (chorus) But fairytales are children's games And dreams are for the damned This ain't the Marvel Universe Or never-never land There's no tall dark handsome stranger Standing waiting here for you That's only in your fantasy It's never coming true Reality is painful, yes I know that's how you feel Much too hard for the likes of you And you're sure it isn't real So you just keep on pretending As you live from day to day And it's just a small annoyance But it never goes away (chorus) I saw you just the other day You didn't notice me Your fairytale alternative Was all that you could see You took a train to fairyland The train went off the tracks You're stranded in your fantasy You're never coming back (chorus) %% Get GUMMed ---------- The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1 proof by example: The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof. proof by intimidation: 'Trivial'. proof by vigorous handwaving: Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2 proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. proof by exhaustion: An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. proof by omission: 'The reader may easily supply the details' 'The other 253 cases are analogous' '...' %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3 proof by obfuscation: A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements. proof by wishful citation: The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims. proof by funding: How could three different government agencies be wrong? proof by eminent authority: 'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP- complete.' %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4 proof by personal communication: 'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication].' proof by reduction to the wrong problem: 'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' proof by reference to inaccessible literature: The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883. proof by importance: A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question. %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5 proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. proof by cosmology: The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God. proof by mutual reference: In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A. proof by metaproof: A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques. %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6 proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission. proof by vehement assertion: It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience. proof by ghost reference: Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given. %% HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7 proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first. proof by semantic shift: Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result. proof by appeal to intuition: Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here. %% I can see your truth As I look into your deep, dark eyes I can see the fire burning on the coals I can see your truth, I can see your lies Deep in my heart a part of me cries I see the reality of our painful roles As I look into your deep, dark eyes You have had many men, that's what beauty buys I can see your wiles digging in like moles I can see your truth, I can see your lies You reach into my soul, then a part of me dies I can see my hopes fade, along with all my goals As I look into your deep, dark eyes I've had enough. I feel the anger rise I can feel anguish for all the lost souls I can see your truth, I can see your lies I can walk away now, from you the Lord of Flies You see I've finally won. A bell of conquest tolls As I look into your deep, dark eyes I can see your truth, I can see your lies -- (c) Patrick Deupree %% It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) MATHEMATICS If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe the Universe. Give three examples. %% NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK Cover your stump before you hump. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. Don't be silly... protect your Willie. Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger, It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize. She won't get sick if you cap your dick. If you go into heat, package that meat. Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock gots a stockin'. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. A crank with armor will never harm her. %% PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now? TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick. GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God? CANCER Dear God!!! LEO Yes? VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time. LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best? SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it! SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating. CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else! AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!! PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory. %% Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. %% Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. %% Pittsburgh driver's test 10: Potholes are a) extremely dangerous. b) patriotic. c) the fault of the previous administration. d) all going to be fixed next summer. The correct answer is b. Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. %% Popcorn Talk Walking hand in hand, the couple were the last To leave the matinee. They traded turns Munching on a bag of greasy popcorn While their footsteps chattered on the pavement. Eventually the man looked up and said, ``It's going to rain'', but meant to say it had. Well, she looked up, then down, then sniffed the air And with a shrug she smiled and said, ``it has''. Nodding, he agreed. He passed the bag to her, Reached in, and finished off the popcorn. So they walked, in silence, Each wondering what the other had said. 02/88 Bruce Sutherland (Somewhere in Toronto) 19 JUN 1987 05:06, so long ago ... -- michka %% THE THREE THEOS Three Theos got together For a discussion/conversation. The were: Theologist, Theologician, and Theologian. Theologist was telling the others About new concepts That he was able to locate in the Bible. Theologician was reciting proofs That he managed to come up with For various Biblical theories. Theologian was preoccupied With quoting historical facts Concerning the events in the Bible. They were addressing each other When they spoke -- Like any three persons During a conversation. But their questions did not seem To emanate from what was said before. Their replies were not answering The questions raised. They were constantly interrupting each other, Erratically changing the topics With the help of The insincere "Yes" and "OK". They were not communicating. They were simply emptying their learned minds. %% PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS ___________________________ YES / Does the Darn Thing work? \ NO +------------| |------------+ | \___________________________/ | | | V V +----------+ _________ | Don't | YES / Did you \ | mess | +---------| mess | | with it! | | | with it | +----------+ | \_________/ | V | NO | _________ +-------+ | | / Does \ | YOU | | | NO | anyone |<-----------| MORON | | | +---| know? | +-------+ | | | \_________/ | | V | YES | | +------+ +-----------+ | | | HIDE | V | | | IT | +--------+ _____v_____ | +------+ | YOU | YES / WILL THEY \ | | +------->| DUMB |<------------| CATCH YOU?| | | | | MORON | \___________/ | | | |________| | NO | | | | V | | | ______v________ +------------+ | | | NO / CAN YOU BLAME \ |DESTROY THE | | | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE | | | \_______________/ +------------+ | | | YES | | | | | | | v | | | ============================= | | +------>|| N O ||<------+ +-------------->|| P R O B L E M || ============================= %% GHOST CHICKENS IN THE SKY (Music: "Ghost Riders in the Sky."; Guitar chords: Em G C) A chicken farmer went out, one dark and stormy day. By the coop he rested as he went along his way. All at once a rotten egg hit him in the eye, It was the sight he feared the most -- ghost chickens in the sky. The farmer had raised chickens since he was twenty-four, Working for the Colonel for thirty years or more, Killin' all them chickens and sending them to fry, Now they want him dead -- ghost chickens in the sky. Their beaks were black and shiny, their eyes were burning red, They had no meat or feathers -- Those chickens were DEAD! They picked that farmer up, and he died by the claw. They cooked him extra-crispy, and served him with coleslaw. -- Shawn Maury, 1988 %% THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor %% "the Comet" .solitude. such- infinite bone chilling darkness yet across the void there comes, dancing lights a vast sum of shining ice s p r ay ing out ward t r a i l s, crystalline jets of luminescence- frost of dreams, though absolute it's seeds of radiance reach from the swarth to spark much gravid thought. by m. maxwell %% God: The Ultimate Autobiography =============================== (Holy Ghost-written by Jeremy Pascall) submitted by Johnathan R. Partington Featuring: * THE TRUTH ABOUT ADAM AND EVE, and why they were fired from the world's first theme park. * SODOM AND GOMORRAH: THE CITIES OF SIN, including street plans, good food guides and listings of the best clubs, discos, and bars. And why compulsory demolition orders were placed on all of them. * BEGETTING: THE DO'S AND DON'T'S, including why you shouldn't covet your neighbor's ass. And exclusively revealing: * The Eleventh Commandment! * That pigs were *meant* to fly, and rhinos were designed to live under stones! * That the sky should have been called "Waxtl" but Adam couldn't pronounce it! Plus a word for any atheists among you: "Wrong!" Ebury Press - ISBN 0 85223 657 3 - Hardback - $5.95 %% How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without raisins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant. %% JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... %% The Churchill Wit ----------------- Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt." %% AM AM AM AM \AM/AM-AM/\AM/\AM-AM /AM\AM AM\AM/AM AM-AM/AM\AM/\AM AM-\/\/\/\AM-AM /\/ ||| ||| ||| ----- ===== AmBush. %% v ~. v v /| / | v v /__|__ \--------/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ %% The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we entered an ion storm. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a god, and married an Indian woman. Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain. Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman. Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain found an overloading phaser in his quarters. Y1: Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood- sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay, all on a Klingon triple black alert. Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they wouldn't believe you. Others: Nope. No they wouldn't. %% two together first there are two, but then there is one not apart, but together as only two true to love can be experiencing feelings that only those in love can for the joy of two being one is not in the having but in the sharing, not of body but of life living a life in the gossamer hands of togetherness feeling only the good as the power of their love shields them from all malice first there are two but then there is one not apart, but together as only two true to love can be %% The Committee ============= by Leslie Lipson submitted by Michael J. Irvin Oh give me your pity! I'm on a committee, Which means that from morning to night, We attend and amend And contend and defend Without a conclusion in sight. We confer and concur, We defer and demur, And reiterate all of our thoughts. We revise the agenda With frequent addenda And consider a load of reports. We compose and propose, We suppose and oppose, And the points of procedure are fun; But though various notions Are brought up as motions, There's terribly little gets done. We resolve and absolve; But we never dissolve, Since it's out of the question for us To bring our committee To end like this ditty, Which stops with a period, thus. %% The Wind -------- The Stranger's tale is done but still The memory lingers on. His face was red, his hands were numb, He shivered in the dawn. The air was warm, the sky was still; I did not understand What could have stung the Stranger's face Or paralyzed his hand. "The Wind is cold, the Wind is dark," The Stranger said at last. "Out of the future this wind blows But not into the past." "The People know the Wind will come, They cower in their fear. In brimstone fires they'd rather burn Than have to disappear." "They threw their slogans and their stones, Two wooden sticks they crossed. They rushed to make a place where truth Was false and logic lost." "But the Mighty Fortress that they built Of wishes and of lies Will, Windswept, crumble and be no Salvation nor disguise." The Stranger paused and, gazing east, Beheld the glowing dawn. "I have no where to go," he said, "And so I must begone." He turned and walked into the west And as I watched him go I thought that I began to hear The Wind begin to blow. %% ___====-_ _-====___ _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ -############// |\^^/| \\############- _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ -###############\\ (oo) //###############- -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- -###################\\/ () \//###################- _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '< > ' ( | |()| | )\ / / __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/ / (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)_______/ %% "Advice from Nicholai Ivanovich Lobachevsky" I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize- Only be sure always to call it please 'research'. -- Tom Lehrer %% "Facts of Life" From a church bulletin: "Congratulations to the Burbanks on the arrival of their new little bungle from heaven." %% "O Lutefisk" [May be sung to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"] O Lutefisk... O Lutefisk... how fragrant your aroma O Lutefisk... O Lutefisk... You put me in a coma You smell so strong... you look like glue You taste yust like an overshoe But Lutefisk... come Saturday I tink I'll eat you anyvay O Lutefisk... O Lutefisk... I put you by the door vay I vanted you to ripen up... yust like dey do in Norvay A dog came by and sprinkled you... I hit him vid an army shoe O Lutefisk... now I suppose I'll eat you as I hold my nose O Lutefisk... O Lutefisk... how vell I do remember On Christmas eve how we'd receive... our big treat of December It vasn't turkey or fried ham... it vasn't even pickled spam My mudder knew dere vas no risk... In serving buttered Lutefisk O Lutefisk... O Lutefisk... now everyone discovers Dat Lutefisk and lefse makes... Norvegians better lovers Now all da vorld can have a ball... You're better dan dat Yeritol O Lutefisk... vid brennevin You make me feel like Errol Flynn. %% 'THE CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER' [**** 1/2] First aired April 6, 1967. McCoy, suffering from an overdose of cordrazine, vanishes through a time portal and somehow changes the past. Kirk and Spock follow in an effort to rectify whatever it is that McCoy has done. Written by Harlan Ellison, starring the bitch of bitches, Joan Collins. %% 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... %% 'WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?' [**] First aired October 20, 1966. Nurse Chapel's long-lost fiance turns up in control of a mechanism capable of producing android replicas of live beings. %% 'WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE' [****] First aired September 22, 1966. In passing through an energy barrier at the edge of the galaxy, some Enterprise crew members find their ESP powers enormously heightened. %% (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. %% A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 %% ABSENCE We've looked at the whole Solar System: Mars, Venus, the Moon - you can list 'em. Wherever we roam, There's nobody home. Perhaps they stepped out, and we missed 'em? %% ADMITTING MISTAKES Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. %% AGE (gather an old man's affections to myself. the earth would have age a weight but the midnight sky simply laughs, dancing.) twenty- I am young; I've danced... (I should not call it dancing. dance is not a change but something fixed within a motion. the stars turn, the earth turns, my eyes turn and spin a hundred, yet a thousand times remaining still within. affections of an old man for the sun's warmth, chair's warmth, dance.) do you bend me then old man, in ways I do not fully sense turn me away, pointing toward my own kind, who shiver beneath the sun? release me with strength over the years... (I who long to long to end the swift journey, bring the arrow earthward, to quiver beneath the moon. till then...) night caress me, wind be like a shawl to a mind in flight. wrap my arms around myself (they feel the ribs of an old man before an evening meal; of fathers of fathers; even now, I can touch the heart of an ancient Man. but now,) me eyes look outward, to see turn downward, to feel (then upward, to dance.) %% AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. %% AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. %% Abou Ben Adhem ============== by James Henry Leigh Hunt submitted by JRP Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, And saw, within the moonlight in his room, Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, An angel writing in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, And to the presence in the room he said, "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, And with a look made of all sweet accord, Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night It came again with a great wakening light, And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. %% Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. %% Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. (3) I don't know. (4) Who cares? (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. %% Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 3) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 4) Who cares? 5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). %% BATHROOMS A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. %% CAMERAS Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures. %% CHEERLEADERS Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary. %% COMEDY Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. %% Clam Up The finished mollusk whimpers with regret For what she's done- be silent, silly shell. You took as alms the first grit you could get, So don't cry foul. You surely did as well As anyone, built pearly-perfect curves Around what raw material you had. The few mistakes belong to youth or nerves. To take a speck of sand and leave it clad In luster! No one will ever ask What inspiration looked like at the start, Or leach away the layers of your task To show the common crystal at the heart. They will hold your jewel, exclaim in pleasure- And you may laugh, knowing what they treasure. %% DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss -- and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe ... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. -- National Lampoon %% DIETING RULES & CALORIE COUNTER ------------------------------- 1/ If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories 2/ Drink diet soda with candy bars (the calories in the candy bars are canceled out by the diet soda) 3/ When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 4/ Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count (ie hot chocolate brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake etc.) 5/ If you can make others around you fatter, it is automatic that you become thinner. 6/ Movie related foods do not contain calories (ie Buttered Popcorn Milk Duds, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Smarties etc.). These are considered as part of the entire Entertainment Package, not part of the diet. 7/ Cookie pieces contain no calories (the process of breaking allows calorie leakage). 8/ Simply saying to yourself "I'm on a diet", reduces calories in foods by 50%; telling others you are on diet increases calories by 100%; therefore when dieting always remember: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT %% DIRECTIONS If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks love I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store." %% Double Bucky (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") Double bucky, you're the one! You make my keyboard lots of fun Double bucky, an additional bit or two: (Vo-vo-de-o!) Control and Meta side by side, Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! Double bucky, left and right OR'd together, outta sight! Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] %% Eclipse ------- Once before she is gone We have promised to meet At the edge of the night And walk unspeaking On naked feet, Before the light Starts creeping Across the silent meadow. Will she cry too, My sad, gentle widow Of love ? %% Fairytale Lovers There once was a time when all lovers were men And women, love-ees. Ah, such happy old days When each knew the ways to entice a young heart: The man with his confident boasts and a grin So dashing that even a swallow would swoon; And a maiden, to see him, would look down and blush While trying to hide a broad smirk with her hand. But lovers aren't lucky in love anymore For men who are MEN act like chauvinist jerks And the rest are left proving they're not men at all. Yes woman, you're wise not to fall for his lies. Pretend you don't need to be held in the arms Of a fairytale lover ... and cover your eyes. 03/88 Bruce Sutherland (Somewhere in Toronto) %% GARAGES Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. %% GROCERIES A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. %% Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! %% HANDWRITING To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. %% HATS Women look good in hats; men look like idiots. %% HOW TO READ AN COMPUTER ADVERTISEMENT When It Says: It Really Means: -------------- ---------------- Available Now! We overstocked / We can't sell any. (Alternative: We have a really hot item at an outrageous price) State-of-the-Art Design We can't get the chips yet but we hope to before manufacturing starts. Proven reliability Antiquated technology and obsolete parts. Compatible with most systems Favor us with a big enough order and we'll start designing an interface Tremendous expandibility The unbundled "bare-bones" system with the low advertised price is virtually useless. User-friendly Slow, eats memory for lunch, and probably won't meet your specific needs (but for a fat consulting fee, we'll be happy to customize it for you). Advanced features We couldn't get rid of the quirks/bugs in the system, so we're pretending we planned them all along. Competitively priced Costs less than IBM's. %% Hard Copies and Chmod And everyone thinks computers are impersonal cold diskdrives hardware monitors user-hostile software of course they're only bits and bytes and characters and strings and files just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend telling me he loves me and he'll take care of me simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory deep intimate secrets and how he doesn't trust me couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould on personal stationery -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu %% Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. %% JEWELRY Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. %% LAUNDRY Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style. %% LEG WARMERS Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. %% LEPROSY Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. I'm not half the man I used to be. Oh, how did I get leprosy? Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. Now it even hurts to take a piss. Oh why did I get syphilis? Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... -- To the tune of "Yesterday" %% LOCKER ROOMS In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. %% LOW BLOWS Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain. %% Love Makes People Stupid (The Warm Kiss of Spring) I knew a man (a doctor too!) that LOVE Reduced into the echo of a laugh. Chuckling at jokes he didn't hear, His LOVE would pinch and poke his face with dimples Until that goofy smile became indelible ... Like a baby's ... Hmm, where was I? I'm sorry. I was thinking 'bout last spring. It's silly really, but the very day The scent of growth was floating in the air My daughter stumbled right into my arms And, looking up with all the innocence Of daisies, she said ``dabby''. And I wished those tears would run forever. 02/88 Bruce Sutherland (Somewhere in Toronto) %% MAGAZINES Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women. -- from "Men and Women are different" by Richard Roeper %% MATURITY Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. %% MENOPAUSE When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. %% MIRRORS Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head. %% MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. %% MOUSTACHES Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. %% MOVIES For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy. %% Masks We all have masks to hide behind Every hour, day after day To keep ourselves from being hurt By the things other people may say. The problem I've found with wearing a mask Is that it often fits too well, And when you try to open up, You're still inside the shell. The mask that was built to hide behind Gets harder to move with the years. It keeps your feelings deep inside - The joy, the sorrow and tears. Remove the mask you hide behind And let your soul run free. Pay good heed to your own true thoughts And be what you want to be. -- (C) 1988 John M. Olsen %% Men vs. Women On the subject of men: I've been a member of the gender for 24 years. I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches in four days. Regarding women: You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain. But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women. One basic truth: Men and women are different. Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey. We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women. %% Mommy Daddy is that You! He awoke alone in his darkened room. He sat up and looked around. Suddenly there came a noise. "Mommy daddy, is that you?" There was no response. He was becoming frightened. Then suddenly the sound again. SSchcink! "Mommy daddy, is that you!" Still no answer. "Mommy daddy, I cant see you, where are you, Mommy daddy?!" Again that awful sound. "Mommy daddy, I know thats you!!" The sound got closer as he sat shivering in the dark. He screamed,"Mommy Daddy, is that you!!!" The axe bit deeply into his back, completely severing his spine. No it was not his mommy or daddy! %% My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favorite drugs. Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my head I simply take more of my favorite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! %% NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of our "Big John" doll.) %% NICKNAMES With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless. %% NUDITY IN MOVIES Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. %% PLANTS A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. %% POLITICS Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night. %% Pearls of Egypt like stones of history the crumpled page of scripture its ancient wisdom surfaces in all creation the madman the prophet the drunken sage his shabby clothes this toothless grin. shamanism the liquid trance rain dance the potent seer see's the storm from far away he knows he understands the ruins & the ways of the natives tongues he speaks as he wades across the time-river this, he phrophecizes is the end of the world and all its culture "if only love were less cruel" but the idiot hour is the dawn of destruction television is the oracle it speaks wisely the children bow, vow to be perfect-this they understand. %% Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. %% RESOLUTIONS this year i'll try to see my way clear once and for all through the smokey trail you left. this year i'll feel less sorry for myself and try to smile instead of cry about the good times that are gone. this year i won't doodle your name in the snow with my ski pole or in the sand with my finger. this year i'm not going to read through all those letters you sent me so long ago. this year i'm going to open my heart to all those who have so much to offer me. this year... yes, this year it's my resolution to finally get over you. %% RICHARD GERE Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. %% Refraction White light pure, brilliant, omnichromatic, streams down from heaven on a flawless blue afternoon. White as a fresh-fallen field in the depths of winter Undefiled. Not so. Take a prism, transparent, crystalline pure geometry, and the light shatters some red, more yellow, less violet shot here and there (if you take the care to look) with black lines. Not pure at all. Say either is beautiful but give me the spectrum I'd rather see structure than simplicity. One thing more, and here's the mystery -- another prism will put it all back together anyway. One could wish for a prism for other things. -- Michael Caplinger, December 1986 %% SEX:CHAPTER 3-SEX IN ANCIENT ROME Romans created the world's first Birth control device. It was known as 'Throwing Christians to the Lions.' But while this device worked wonders in cutting down the Christian population, it did occasionally cause troublesome side effects...Namely, very fat lions. %% SEX:CHAPTER 5-SEX DURING THE MIDDLE AGES Sex in the Middle Ages was a beautiful experience that was both uplifting and poetic. On their wedding night, the knight would take the lady in his arms, whisper softly in her ear, gently hold her closer, kiss her tenderly, and then in a fit of extreme passion, he would run out and kill a dragon. %% SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day. %% SOCKS Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back. %% SYSTEM CRASH (sung to the tune of "The Monster Mash") I was working in the lab, late one night, When my eyes beheld an eerie sight, Some smoke from our VAX began to rise And suddenly, to my surprise... [chorus] (There was a crash) There was a system crash (A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash (A system crash) It came down in a flash (There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room, Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom, But we had one like this just the other day Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA" [chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through, When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then MOOSE and BIRCH blew too. So we'd lost all our VAXen in less than one night When a VP came in and said: "Hey, that's all right, I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you..." [chorus] %% Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. (1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. (2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. (3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. (4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. (5) Exotic birds flock around you. (6) People ignore you at parties. (7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. (8) You no longer get off on cocaine. %% Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. %% Shadows ------- The light is full of shadows That lurk within, Threatening to billow out And block the sun -- The day is full of thoughts of you. %% Sonnet 69 Ah, love, let us retreat and find a place, A meadow, or a quiet grassy field, Where thou canst place thy buttocks 'pon my face, And to my probing tongue thy privates yield. Far greater pleasures than a simple fuck Are waiting for us to enjoy; to wit: My swelling love-tool thou caress and suck, As I move tender tongue about thy clit. Let us indulge the horniness of youth, For we must let our inhibitions go. Sweet genitalia touch the wanting mouth, 'Til jism spurt and lubrication flow. Thy cunt in my mouth, and my cock in thine, Come with me dear, and we shall sixty-nine. -- (c) Joe English. Don't let my mother see this. %% THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other reader. Fun With Usenet postings are no exception. Since there are some who might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these postings. One. I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses. For instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that's too mundane to bother with. "I'm flame proof" might (and has) become "I'm ...a... p...oof" but that's REALLY stretching it. Two. If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don't put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn't capitalized before the cut. "I don't think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place". Imagine the posting as a tape-recording of the poster's thoughts. If I can set up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing, I don't put ellipses in. And by the way, I love using this mechanism for turning things around. If you think something stinks, say so - don't say you don't think it's wonderful. ... -- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP) %% THE DIRTIEST DOZENS, these are 1520 - 1523 in the book The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- It won't take me long-- Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. There was an old fellow and what do you think? He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. He whacked it, he hacked it, He ate it with glee- Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? This charming old chap had a sister as well : She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. Her cunt was so dirty It stank like a beast, And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. Their odor and diet Won't soon be forgotten, And one day you and I may be equally rotten. %% THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT One day, Ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bring only one piss. I tella her "I wanna two piss on my plate." She say, you better no piss on the plate, you sonnamabitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonnmabitch. Later, Ima go to eat lunch at the Drake Restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, she tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock on the table, you sonnamabitch. So, Ima goes back to my room inna hotel, and there's no sheet onna my bed. I callsa the manager and tellsa him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet onna the bed. He say you better no sheet onna the bed, you sonnamabitch. I go the checka out and the man at the desk, he say "peace to you." I say piss onna you to, you sonnamabitch. Ima go back to Italy! %% THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white. %% THE RAPTURE Starlight... Morning sun. The curiosity! Do I remain in the universe where I fell in sleep? One stands with one's back to the past and wonders... Soft breeze... Have you seen the leaves trembling or do they laugh in the arms of the whispering wind? My thoughts are shaken by time, even there, some reach, falling, even here, changing color... A forest pool... and thou. You take a sheltered dip in my mind, do - sunlit, sparkling - leave and leave behind a robe, an idee fixe, and yearning. and wonder will there be times when I'd rather the waters close over to detain the moment. %% THE TELEPHONE Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. %% THE TELNET SONG ("Control-Uparrow Q.") Words and music by The Great Quux (c) 1984 Guy L. Steele Jr. (A function of N. N = 4 is recommended.) EVERYBODY-SING ( There is a program called TELNET that gets to another CPU. Control-uparrow is the escape; it's doubled to send it through, and "quit" is control-uparrow Q. A hacker once used TELNET to get to another CPU. He knew he could quit whenever he wanted to: all he had to do was type control-uparrow Q. FOR I = 1 TO N ( Instead the hacker used TELNET to get to another CPU. He knew he could quit whenever he wanted to: all he had to do was type FOR J = 1 TO 2^I ( control-uparrow ) Q. ) %% THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug! %% TOYS Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. %% The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. -- InfoWorld (June, 1984) %% The Looter of The Spirit You want it to be unearned ... You want handouts, but of a different kind ... It's the spirit that you want to loot ... the unearned in spirit ... You want unearned love. You want unearned admiration. You want to be a man like Hank Rearden without the necessity of being what he is. Without the necessity of being anything. Without the necessity of ... being ... -- Cherryl Taggart %% The Modern Guillotine ... the idea that need is a sacred idol requiring human sacrifices -- that the need of some men is the knife of a guillotine hanging over others -- that all of us must live with our work, our hopes, our plans, our efforts at the mercy of the moment when that knife will descend upon us -- and that the extent of our ability is the extent of our danger, so that success will bring our heads down on the block, while failure will give us the right to pull the cord. -- Ragnar Danneskjold %% The New Ideal What we are now asked to worship, what had once been dressed as God or king, is the naked, twisted mindless figure of the human Incompetent. This is the new ideal, the goal to aim at, the purpose to live for, and all men are to be rewarded according to how close they approach it. This is the age of the common man, they tell us -- a title which any man may claim to the extent of such distinction as he has managed not to achieve. He will rise to a rank of nobility by means of the effort he has failed to make, he will be honored for such virtue as he has not displayed, and he will be paid for the goods which he did not produce ... They will dispose of our energy because they have none to offer and of our product because they can't produce. -- John Galt %% The Prime Movers A city is the frozen shape of human courage -- the courage of those men who thought for the first time of every bolt, rivet and power generator that went to make it. The courage to say, not "It seems to me", but "It is" -- and to stake one's life on one's judgment. You're not alone. Those men exist. They have always existed. There was a time when human beings crouched in caves, at the mercy of any pestilence and any storm. Could men such as your Board of Directors have brought them out of the cave and up to this? -- Francisco d'Anconia %% The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: by Weird Al Yankovic I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda %% The San Sebastian Mines But surely you don't want me to do anything about it. My mines and your railroad were seized by the will of the people. You wouldn't want me to oppose the will of the people, would you? I thought you would recognize it as an honest effort to practice what the whole world is preaching. Doesn't everyone believe that it is evil to be selfish? I was totally selfless in regard to the San Sebastian project. Isn't it evil to work for a profit? I did not work for profit -- I took a loss. Doesn't everyone agree that the justification of an industrial venture is not production, but the livelihood of its employees? The San Sebastian mines were the most eminently successful venture in industrial history: they produced no copper, but they provided a livelihood for thousands of men who could not have achieved, in a lifetime, the equivalent of what they got for one day's work, which they could not do ... I did not exploit anyone. I did not burden the San Sebastian mines with my useless presence; I left them in the hands of those who count ... I turned it over to a mining specialist. He was not a very good specialist, but he needed the job very badly. Isn't it generally conceded that when you hire a man for a job, it's his need that counts, not his ability? Doesn't everyone believe that in order to get the goods, all you have to do is need them? I have carried out every moral precept of our age. I expected gratitude and a citation of honor. I do not understand why I am being damned. -- Francisco d'Anconia %% The Snack Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. And am I not the master of my own? Nothing to eat? What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. -- L. L. Zeiger %% The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tools that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% Thus spake the master programmer: "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell." %% To His Parents The pain was never real, the blood but words Some poet wrote; historic notes. I tried To picture riots rich with violence, or plea Like frightened widows dancing in Peru. But all my dreams were silent scenes in black and white. For us to face your fears would be a joke. Here, no one ``disappears'', and no one finds Their life in death save on the evening news. Oh please forgive my blindness to this stripped, Abandoned man, your son. I knew his pain too well. 02/88 Bruce Sutherland (Somewhere in Toronto) %% To a Frustrated Philosopher You have a streak of poetry, a rainbow in your eye; Weaving words of wonder for the people passing by. Yet they do not comprehend the concepts that you bring: Still, your words I understand; I know what makes you sing. You see the world through gilded eyes, but always you're aware Of the sordid side of life. I sense how deep you care. So you use your talent to teach where'er you go: And when you wander, don't be lonely; I am with you, for you KNOW. %% Touch Snapshot Her hand, is still, extending Always reaching, always groping Never touching, never holding Stop One thought when thoughts fly You try to run And you run Run like deer chased by fear Run through forests wrought with fire Feet that pound like clenching fists Catch the wind with aching gasps Stumble through the misty night Rivers wash away your sight Leave the light. At last alone Run your hands along the stone Feel the pain, caress the cold Fight until you feel no more And nothing will replace her touch Except the love you need so much When her hand extends toward you Snapshot %% USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS: AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters. BALLI, BALLI, BALLI ! Whatever you say! MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. %% VAXOLOGY There is a computer named VAX, Which is totally loaded with hacks, But the real piece of crap Is the overflow trap, Which an old-PC register lacks. It's got byte-string instructions galore, But the packed decimal format is poor, And the halfword length means That it isn't worth beans, Just like the 360's of yore. Oh, the branch mnemonics are losing, And the right to left numbers confusing, But the thing that's a pain, An efficiency drain, Is the minuscule page size they're using. Well, they give you lots of good stuff, And the address space size is enough, But you can't do an "exch", And it makes you say "bletch", When you see all the RSX cruft. %% Visionary Leadership ... the vision of a fat, unhygienic rajah of India, with vacant eyes staring in indolent stupor out of stagnant layers of flesh, with nothing to do but run precious gems through his fingers and, once in a while, stick a knife into the body of a starved, toil-dazed creature, as a claim to a few grains of the creature's rice, then claim it from hundreds of millions of such creatures and thus let the rice gather into gems. %% WHILE YOU WERE OUT IN A MEETING Mr./Mrs./Miss/ Ms./Rev./Massa/ _____________________________________________ (name) Check One ( ) Telephoned. ( ) Did not Telephone. ( ) Thought about telephoning, but then changed his or her mind. ( ) Telephoned, but could not for the LIFE of him or her remember why. ( ) Telephoned, then hung right up, but I am certain it was him or her. ( ) Wants you to call and attempt to leave a message for him or her. ( ) Wants to fire you. ( ) Wants to reveal a sordid episode from his or her past involving a goat. ( ) Wants to end World Hunger in our lifetime. ( ) Wants your body. ( ) Wants for nothing. ( ) Wants to tell you the joke about the man who finds out that he has only eight hours to live, so he goes home and makes love with his wife once, twice, three times, and finally they fall asleep, and at 3 A.M. he tries to wake her up, and she says, "Not AGAIN! Some of us have to get up in the morning!" ( ) Ate paste as a child. ( ) Has the clap. %% WHY TEACHING IS LIKE HAVING SEX 1) It's a lot more work than it looks. 2) You can't bluff your way through it. 3) You don't want to have to look at the manual in the middle of it. 4) A bad 50 minutes can send you into therapy. 5) You don't realize how little you know about it until you've actually done it once. %% Waves A cell, a breath, a spark of life Floating on an endless sea I could swim or I could fly But when I screw my thoughts to try The waves return to comfort me %% What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. Then I hung out in front of the Dover. On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. I found a thesis topic: How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. -- Sister Mary Elephant [Student Statement for Black Friday] %% Who is John Galt? An explorer, the greatest explorer that ever lived. The man who found the fountain of youth. John Galt spent years looking for it. He crossed oceans, and he crossed deserts, and he went down into forgotten mines, miles under the earth. But he found it on the top of a mountain. It broke every bone in his body, it tore the skin off his hands, it made him lose his home, his name, his love. But he climbed it. He found the fountain of youth, which he wanted to bring down to men. Only he never came back. Why didn't he? Because he found that it couldn't be brought down. %% Who is John Galt? Do you know the legend of Atlantis? ... The Isles of the Blessed ... Atlantis was a place where hero spirits lived in a happiness unknown to the rest of the world. They reached it without dying, because they carried the secret of life within them. Atlantis was lost to mankind ... Some of them thought it was underground, hidden in the heart of the earth. But most of them said it was an island. A radiant island in the Western Ocean. Perhaps what they were thinking of was America ... they never stopped looking for it, because they knew that that was what they had to find. Well, what about John Galt? He found it ... John Galt was a millionaire, a man of inestimable wealth. He was sailing his yacht one night, in mid-Atlantic, fighting the worst storm ever wreaked upon the world, when he found it. He saw it in the depth, where it had sunk to escape the reach of men. He saw the towers of Atlantis shining on the bottom of the ocean. It was a sight of such kind that when one had seen it, one could no longer wish to look at the rest of the earth. John Galt sank his ship and went down with his entire crew. They all chose to do it ... %% Who is John Galt? John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. After centuries of being torn by vultures in payment for having brought to men the fire of the gods, he broke his chains and he withdrew his fire -- until the day when men withdraw their vultures. %% William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. %% YOU WALKED THROUGH MY DREAM LAST NIGHT by: Randy Sommers You walked through my dream last night, and it really isn't fair. You walked through my dream last night, me here and you there. It was a restless, relentless dream this kind goes on and on. Flowing like a stream, into a deep, deep pond. You walked through my dream last night, and oh, it really shows. You walked through my dream last night, now everybody knows. Your steps were light and subtle, they really were quite kind. I knew I was in trouble, when you read my mind. You walked through my dream last night, I now have dreams to spare. You walked through my dream last night, this really isn't fair! I'm so helpless, It's so real, I know this dream is true. Tell me how you feel, when it happens to you. I'll walk through your dream some night, and then you'll wake to see. You walked through my dream that night, and now your here with me. -- (c) 1988 Rick Kill (aka Randy Sommers) %% _ / \ |\_/| |---| | | | | _ |=-=| _ _ / \| |/ \ / \| | | ||\ | | | | | \> | | | | | \ | - - - - |) ) | / \ / \ / \ / \ / | | | | | | -- Michael Westlund (d90-mwd@sigma.sm.luth.se) %% `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why neither has street credibility. 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner city. 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked into a black hole. 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing up of western dualism? 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. %% o b o A G I E L m p a o b o r z f M A G I C z c W E L L y o n m p a !!!! FROBOZZ Magic Robot Company !!!! Hello, master! I am a late-model robot, trained at MIT Tech to perform various simple housekeeping functions. Instructions for use: To activate me, use the following formula-- TELL ROBOT, something to do (CR) The comma is mandatory. Command me as you will! Warranty: No warranty is expressed or implied. At your service! %% you are here (c) 1988 meredith tanner (gypsy) you got a photograph memory of a storybook romance you can live in the future with competition like that you can live in the past the real world don't stand a chance you can throw away a lifetime you got a photograph picture just to make a moment last of a girl you used to know tomorrow never comes she ain't your little girl no more even if you wait a thousand years you have to let her go and your heart might be a million miles away maybe you spend every evening but you are here waiting by the phone for the call that says you're going somewhere never coming home yeah things will be so different no one to tell you what to do but there's nowhere else to lay the blame when everything's up to you %% ,---. ,,'''''',,, ( ) ,'' '', ,,'' /'' ,''''', ', ,,'' O ,' ', ', ,,'' ) ', ; '---------. `''''DD,,,,,,,''\ /'''',,,;, ),,,,--------. \ | / '''''/ / / / / // ,------/ / / / ROFF! /|\ ///------' ,--======'==' ROFF! ( %% ---------- / \ / REST \ / IN \ / PEACE \ / \ | | | | | | | | | | | 1001 | *| * * * | * _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______ %% //-n-\\ _____---=======---_____ ====____\ /.. ..\ /____==== // ---\__O__/--- \\ Enterprise... Surrender or we'll \_\ /_/ send back your *&^$% tribbles !! %% Infatuation If only I could touch her soul And teach her ivory horse to fly. Such humble strength, her muscles flow Like ripples in a lullaby. If only she could hear my heart That beats upon the wings of doves When e'er she runs. And when she parts It pounds like thunderclaps, my love. I wonder, when at last she tried To count her freedoms, did she cry? How could she flee from arms so wide? She never turned to say good-bye. My God! What hand will ease this pain, Massage my sorrow? Hold me tight Tomorrow, let me dream again. Please, not another sleepless night. If only I could let her go, Pretend her ivory horse is gone And, like the other puppets, show I'm bound to nowhere, bound to none. %% Night Sonnet When frightened wakest thou in darkest night Unsure if ghost or dream did thee alight, Remind thyself of how I loved thee so When life upon this earth my soul did know. Think then of joyous days together shared; No other happiness with that compared. But soft, my dearest one, why dost thou cry-- Thinkst thou that love so strong could ever die? Its vessel gone, now boundless it remains, Expanded into natural domains; Though changed in form, still physic'ly expressed; My love and I through it, do still exist. For as the dark, by night, I thee embrace; And as the sun, by day, caress thy face. -- (c) LJ %% The Fifth Concerto of Richard Halley It was a symphony of triumph. The notes flowed up, they spoke of rising and they were the rising itself, they were the essence and the form of upward motion, they seemed to embody every human act and thought that had ascent as its motive. It was a sunburst of sound, breaking out of hiding and spreading open. It had the freedom of release and the tension of purpose. It swept space clean, and left nothing but the joy of an unobstructed effort. Only a faint echo within the sounds spoke of that from which the music had escaped, but spoke in laughing astonishment at the discovery that there was no ugliness or pain, and there never had to be. It was the song of an immense deliverance. %% Thus Spake the Master Programmer: "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." %% Thus spake the master programmer: "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will be productive." %% Thus spake the master programmer: "When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." %% Thus spake the master programmer: "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, hardware is useless." %% Thus spake the master programmer: "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make him computer literate." %% You are invited to the 1st annual PEOPLE'S ELECTRICAL COLLECTIVE BARBECUE BIG BIG BIG Featuring: 180 Tons of charcoal briquets whole herds of roasted animal carcasses pyrotechnic displays BRING THE KIDS BRING YOUR WIG (bring your own water) ***** FREE WHOLE BODY X-RAYS FOR ALL ***** April 26th to May 18th at the Chernobyl Reactor Complex Rural Route 3, Kiev, USSR Sponsored By The Ukrainian Chemical and Nuclear Workers Collective and the Socialist People's Party of the Ukraine %% (0) (0) | ___, , | | _***_{}' ({}.@@@. | | (o_o)/, '\@*_*@ | | ( / \ ____ / / ) | | _\ \_ \__/ _\ \_ | """"""""""""""""""""""""" _screeeeeit_scrissssssh_ The fuzzies have volunteered to wash the inside of your computer screen. (they claim you never do and it is filthy). %% //-n-\\ _____---=======---_____ ====____\ /.. ..\ /____==== // ---\__o__/--- \\ \_\ /_/ %% Doggerel Above the day's lavender ending, a ray Of gold by the eagle's plumage is caught-- It shines on the marsh below as if wrought Of the last ember of diminishing day. Like a rigid scythe slicing from the sky Slow circles, the eagle scans the reeds for prey, While below in the puddles and ponds, frogs stay Motionless, watching the bird borne on sigh. The frogs watch above this majestic king Of the currents, sovereign of heavens, who may fly Among clouds. With envy, the frogs silently cry, And are awestruck by this spectacular thing. With the sun, the eagle now flies off to nest. One sharpened raptor cry he now lets ring, And then, with single metered stroke of wing, He mounts a breeze to bear him lightly west. Left behind in the puddles, the frogs still have dreams Of grace of feather and voice. Inspired, a frog tests His leap--plop, splash--and soars, and gives his best Croak and makes song--equal to birds, it seems. The frogs, seeing this, are soon struck by the thought That they might possess an eagle's grace. Then each beams To himself and hops and croaks. And the pond teems With frogs, all thanking the bird for the art he brought. -- Mike Robinson 5/5/87 %% New Product Announcement from Black & Decker Ever wondered if your parking ticket would be blown away by the wind, or that it would be placed without regard to aesthetics on your windscreen wiper ? If so, this is the device for you. An all plastic parking ticket holder, which fits snugly on your windscreen is available for $9.95. A wide range of colors to suit your car. You will never miss a ticket again. %% Ouch, Mosquito ============== by Mitchell Peck Submitted by Hugh Cushing Ouch mosquito, silent by night, Why pierce my skin, so white? You grow plump, as a leech. Stop! I beseech (in vein). I have no choice. Why waste my voice, When only a slap will do? Ouch, I am bitten! What ho, you are smitten! Yo mosquito, fuck you. %% SOME FAMOUS BILLS "My mother was a fish" -Vardaman -As I Lay Dying -- Bill Faulkner "Words, words, words!" -Hamlet -Hamlet -- Bill Shakespeare "I am not a Womanizer!!!" -- Bill Clinton "Oh Noooooooooo!" -- Mr. Bill "Congress shall pass no law concerning..." -- Bill of Rights "Help! I'm being devalued!!" -- Dollar Bill "$75.95" -- Phone Bill "THPTT" -- Bill the Cat "Hulk just want to smash!!" -- Bill Bixby "and then I'll kill your children.....and their pets" -- Bill Munney "Go easy on him Ward" -- Billingsley "Vhat???" -- Billy Crystal Bill Tell Overture -- Rossini "10^9" -- Billion "All right I'll take a shower" -- Bill Taft %% She's Gone When she's gone Her dress still passes by, The air still holds her breath, And someone tries to smile When I remember I cry. When I cry I think I see her smile And something takes my breath As I see her dress pass by Then I remember She's gone. %% The First Fantastic Flop of Sir Galliwag M.D. (Doctor of the Multiverse) ============================================= by (beef) Chow (mein), Rob Woiccak (TNETG1FN@CLVM) One day while I, the great Doctor Sir Galliwag, was out romping in the multiverse, I stopped to visit the home of my good friend: the Sheikh Ali-Wa Benn. Much to my distress, I found the palace in a ruckess. I soon learned from the palace chamberlain, Deskial Hmabi, that the Sheikh had disappeared. At this, I began an investigation to determine the Sheikh's whereabouts. The chamberlain gave me Benn's agenda for the day. First a breakfast and then a shave. Following that was a luncheon where he had failed to appear. Suddenly, I had an idea! I ran to the vestibule where I had seen a new pot that confirmed my notion. Calling Deskial into the room, I proceeded to find the Shiekh in the large vase. Flabbergasted, he asked "How...what...?" "Simple," I replied, "a Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned." %% Alone From childhood's hour I have not been As others were - I have not seen As others saw - I could not bring My passions from a common spring - From the same source I have not taken My sorrow - I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone - And all I lov'd - I lov'd alone - Then - in my childhood, in the dawn Of a most stormy life - was drawn From ev'ry depth of good and ill The mystery which binds me still - From the torrent, or the fountain - From the red hill of the mountain - From the sun that round me roll'd In its autumn tint of gold - From the lightning in the sky As it pass'd me flying by - From the thunder and the storm - And the cloud that took the form When the rest of Heaven was blue Of a demon in my view - -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849) %% COMPUTER LETS YOU TRAVEL IN TIME! Japanese terminal lets anyone visit the past -- and future! %% Dry Sorrow I never thought I'd miss my tears Or curse the boy who, in his pride, Exclaimed in fury fraught with fear ``You'll never see me cry again.'' For now I've naught but misty years To ease the pain that twists inside Like hunger when I think I hear The boy who aches to cry again %% Famous Maker Recipes ==================== by Aaron Stern Submitted by Hugh Cushing Jerry Garcia's Brownies ----------------------- Ingredients: 1 ounce marijuana 10 American dollars 1 1987 BMW Procedure: 1) Get fucked up. 2) Send a roadie in the BMW to the store to buy $10 worth of brownies. 3) Eat, man! %% ONLY WORDS I wish my pen was brush and pallette, wielded with gentle strokes over the tapestry of the page. Images of Mars, of distant worlds, come to mind, splattered brilliant red and deep, deep blue across boundaries of time and space onto a blank, white canvas. Minute shells holding the universe within, yet baked in a summer sun in shades of rose and peach, impress themselves on textured cloth. Sweet whiskers and porcelain white fur in curled, purring sleep, or the dreams therein given the multidimension of fantasy, find expression on flat media. I wish each pen stroke was a brush stroke giving life to color and shape. But, alas, I have only words. -- (c) Marjorie Smith %% SEX:CHAPTER 2-SEX DURING THE STONE AGE (see chapter 36-How to arouse a 25-year-old suburban housewife) %% Sacrifice How, sweet Christ, did you survive Spreading love, like honey On a million hungry eyes A swarm of hungry eyes Why sacrifice your mortal life Will their need replenish Your need for love. Oh why Did you forsake a wife And I wonder ... Christ, when your life was lost Did you smile toward heaven? Freed at last: you paid the cost And died upon the cross %% To a Young Girl Lithe hatchling, breastless, Hipless chicken; pecking for The perpetual worm out of arid dirt; Cooped each night with That morning's loudest crow: You are in My roost now, My feathered extrovert. If I feed you well, It's to watch you grow, and then, Oh, impudent pullet with whom I am stricken, Up to the chopping block We will go. -- John Cowles %% You: knock-knock Them: who's there? You: banana ... Them: banana who ? You: banana banana (Them: surprised look) You: knock-knock Them: who's there? You: banana ... Them: banana who ? You: banana banana (Them: surprised and somewhat confused look) You: knock-knock Them: who's there? You: banana ... Them: banana who ? You: banana banana (Them: exasperated look) You: knock-knock Them: who's there? You: orange Them: orange who? You: orange you glad that I didn't say banana again? Nauseating, isn't it? But it's good if you immediately follow it with: You: say Knock-Knock Them: Knock-Knock You: who's there? .... hahahahhahahahahahahahha ..... %% (1/2) / 3 | 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2) | z dz cos (--------) = ln(e ) / 9 The integral, from one to root three, Of z to the second dz, Times the cosine Of 3 pi over nine Is the log of the third root of e. %% (__) (__) (__) (oo) (OO) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow Cow 10 miles from Cow 1 mile from nuclear waste dump nuclear waste dump %% A Puff Ball The blue sweater, put on in the morning, has been laid in the tall golden grass of summer, Because of the thick heavy summer air that hangs from the sky. His big, soft, brown eyes search the ground for his prize, a gift from God. There it lies, dull grey in its small roundness, looking soft and porous against the hard brown earth. A worn tennis shoe, dirty from an earlier gathering of stream moss and frogs, Comes Slowly Down upon the grey ball. A soft grey cloud of dust shoots upward from the ball to fill the air and cover the golden grass with flakes of grey. The day is now complete-- A small child has found a wonder of God in the House of Nature-- A Puff Ball. -- Marjorie Smith, November 1969 %% ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service. 8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. %% I think I've got the hang of it now :w :q :wq ZZ :wq! ^d ^D ^C quit exit X Q :!QUIT bye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit zz ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit helpexit ?Quit ?q ?x ZZ bye %% Medical Terminology for the Layman Artery - the study of fine paintings. Barium - what you do when CPR fails. Caesarean section - a district in Rome. Colic - a sheep dog. Congenital - friendly. Dilate - to live long. Fester - quicker. G.I. series - baseball games between teams of soldiers. Hangnail - a coat hook. Medical staff - a doctor's cane. Minor operation - digging coal. Morbid - a higher offer. Nitrate - cheaper than day rate. Node - was aware of. Organic - church musician. Outpatient - a person who has fainted. Post-operative - a letter carrier. Protein - in favor of young people. Secretion - hiding anything. Serology - study of English knighthood. Tablet - a small table. Tumor - an extra pair. Urine - opposite of you're out. Varicose veins - veins which are very close together. Benign - what you be after you be eight. %% Shall I Sue Shall i sue, shall I seek for grace? Shall I pray, shall I prove? Shall I strive to a heavenly joy, With an earthly love? Shall I think that a bleeding heart Or a wounded eye Or a sign can ascend the clouds To attain so high? Silly wretch forsake these dreams, Of a vain desire O bethink what high regard Holy hopes do require. Favour is not won with words, Treasure is not bought. Favour is not won with words, Nor the wish of a thought. -- John Dowland (1563? - 1626) %% TOO MANY DAVES Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McCave Had twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave? Well, she did. And that wasn't a smart thing to do. You see, when she wants one and calls out, "Yoo Hoo! Come into the house, Dave!" she doesn't get ONE. All twenty-three Daves of hers come on the run! This makes things quite difficult at the McCaves' As you can imagine, with so many Daves. And often she wishes that, when they were born, She had named one of them Bodkin Van Horn And one of them Hoos-Foos. And one of them Snimm. And one of them Hot-Shot. And one Sunny Jim. And one of them Shadrach. And one of them Blinkey. And one of them Stuffy. And one of them Stinkey. Another one Putt-Putt. Another one Moon Face. Another one Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face. And one of them Ziggy. And one Soggy Muff. One Buffalo Bill. And one Biffalo Buff. And one of them Sneepy. And one Weepy Weed. And one Paris Garters. And one Harris Tweed. And one of them Sir Michael Carmichael Zutt. And one of them Oliver Boliver Butt. And one of them Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate... But she didn't do it. And now it's too late. -- Dr. Seuss "The Sneetches and Other Stories" %% W A N T E D G O O D W O M A N Must be able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and clean fish. Must have boat and motor. Please send pictures of boat and motor. -- Sign seen in VFW hall in Westland, Mich. %% ``... or the One'' This theatre is yours, my lord The players dance at your command Placid 'neath you puissant hand Shadows in a storm And I'm your actor, nothing more I'll play a soldier in a war Who loves the cross but dreams of whores Dare I question why Must I hate this man again Is not this man your son again Oh must I beg to die again Strike me tender kiss Free me from your gentle arms For I'm a man and not your pawn Behold the glory of the dawn Seen through song of flesh ... Are you too large to heed my call To let me love as one for all Good Christ if you're a man at all Let the curtain fall %% |||||||||||||| || __ __ || || $$ $$ || \|| >> ||/ || ________ || | -//----- | \\_//_______// ___// | | /__// | | | | __________// \\__________ / $ / **** \ $ \ / / ** \ \ / /| ** |\ \ / / | ** | \ \ / / | ** | \ \ ^ ^__|______$Z$**$Z$______|__^ ^ \ * $Z$**$Z$ * / \________*___$Z$**$Z$___*________/ | $Z$**$Z$ | J. PIERPONT FLATHEAD CHAIRMAN Bank of Zork VAULT *722 GUE* Frobozz Magic Vault Company %% (__) (oo) M M O0O OOO /-------\/ --- MM MM O O O O / | || M M M O O O O * ||----|| M M O0O OOO ~~ ~~ COW %% THE NETWORK SONG A host is a host from coast to coast And no one will talk to a host that's close Unless of course the host that's close Is busy, hung, or dead! -- David Lesher (wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu) %% The Fourth Concerto of Richard Halley It was a "NO" flung at some vast process of torture, a denial of suffering, a denial that held the agony of the struggle to break free. The sounds were like a voice saying: There is no necessity for pain -- why then is the worst pain reserved for those who will not accept its necessity? -- we who hold the love and the secret of joy, to what punishment have we been sentenced for it, and by whom? ... The sounds of torture became defiance, the statement of agony became a hymn to a distant vision for whose sake anything was worth enduring, even this. It was the song of a rebellion -- and of a desperate quest. %% awaiting spring in the tantrums of gray march winds that slap the air like leather, we hurry to tend the diminishing warmth hidden in secrecy against the night. i can remember now only that it was so cold-- the earth asleep among voices reaching into the sky for miles, the winter inhabiting the fingers like light. relentlessly we paint the shadowy figures of ourselves upon the darkened wall-- the limbs in upward motions the silence like prayer. %% mapping the space the body is anchored in distances-- death-symbols letter the land like lights. reaching the shore, i held the sand in my hands to my face and chanted, this is the meaning of dreams: that there is no final, more connective place than this language like the very air. (memory will be like this-- blood and saliva turning into rain) the landscape rains. we examine the falling surfaces as if they were glass, and take flight. %% untracked a gust hits my face as i swing side to side the ancient chairlift grunts as we pass another tower up top the congregation stands assembled bright hats, dark goggles, they look like giant ninja locusts in a Japanese sci-fi thriller at once the swarm swoops down on the white powder virgin before us we defile her feathery blanket insatiately carving our turns, chased through the snow by the comet tails that shimmer at our heels when it's over we look up in silence at the serpentine swaths we have cut then move up the mountain once more ninja locusts from hell in search of winter's heaven -- jc %% (__) (__) (__) (\/) ($$) (**) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | 666 || / |=====|| / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love -- The AI Hackers Dictionary %% Another Lonely Man He's just another lonely man Hugs his knees and soaks his bed He holds his head with shaking hands Watching teardrops falling red And WHO will save this dying man Hold his head and clear his eyes And let him walk YOUR fertile lands Who will help him, who will try? No one, He's just another lonely man %% Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer program that through fresh application of an old technique - virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer components. Called OREMA (from latin "oremus", meaning "let us pray"), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other elements subject to depravity. Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for mounting tapes and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter. Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU by internal subroutines. Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels are available for government installations. In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later version to be called SIN-OREMA. -- W. S. Minkler, Jr., American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965 %% EARTH smog | bricks AIR -- mud -- FIRE soda water | tequila WATER %% MURPHY'S COMPUTER LAWS 1. Murphy would have never used one. 2. Murphy would have loved them. %% wenweewazboiz ------------- yup wen wee waz boiz and times whas tite you know we made dew wit out new toiz or fanzy close and weewaz happee for wat we hat %% "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" %% "...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not matter. 'I' do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming." -- Siddartha, "Lord of Light" by Roger Zelazny %% "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." %% "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me a postcard?" %% "Bondage" On the side of the road Is a speed limit sign. A new baby girl Is born blind. My brother gets drafted His blood forms a lake. Beneath the apple tree In the grass is the snake. A climber stops climbing He's too full of doubt A small hungry boy Again goes without. Bondage runs some people's lives. Other's lives it just kills. It comes from within and from without. It's chains lock up our wills. Poor kid from town Puts himself through school Alexandre Wins the duel. Have a little money Live life with ease Play your music out Don't want to tease The book says exactly What the author feels. "The truth will set you free" As the woman kneels. -- (c) 1988 Karen A. Post %% "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" "But this is different," protested her husband. "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. Now tell me what our problem is." "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a bastard child." %% "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" %% "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?" He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women." %% "Etc." Here's a three-letter word Used by more than a few To make people think They know more than they do. %% "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," said the guy aggressively. "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town." "Oh, no, you won't." "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." "Oh, no, you won't." "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." "Oh, no, you're not." "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. %% "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know what 'it' means." "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?" %% "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater %% "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" %% "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" %% "Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." %% "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice," she said. "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" "Olives." %% "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." %% "I can do a score of things that can't be done. I can find a thing I cannot see, and see a thing I cannot find. The first is time, and the second is spots before my eyes. I can touch a thing I cannot feel, and feel a thing I cannot touch. The first is your heart, and the second is sad and sorry." -- James Thurber (1894-1961), "The Thirteen Clocks" %% "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the camel had drunk it's fill and was about to lift it's head out of the tank, the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, ran behind the camel and whacked him in the testicles. The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed like twenty more gallons of water. The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My god, man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the bricks." %% "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" %% "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. I'm on my way." "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" %% "If there's ever anything I can do for you -- or, more to the point, to you, don't hesitate to ask." "*What?*" "Which word didn't you understand?" %% "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said the executive "I don't like a large audience, either." %% "No name yet but I want something meaning 'new'...'" I wish you were the only one That I have ever touched, And I was new to what we do Just learning to touch, like you. It hurts to look at you sometimes, See the wonder in your eyes. As images of other times Run through my mind innocence dies. How I wish you were the only one, Just as I am first to you. So you could feel as special As I do when I'm with you. Yet... Even the past seems not to be When I am in your arms. In my heart you are the first, The rest just hourglass sands. You have become the only one, The first, not one of many. Everyday and night brings wonder, For to me all things seem new - With you... Is this the way love is? All the past has been erased? I've never felt this way before And to you I come left chaste. -- (c) 1988 Karen A. Post October 1988 %% "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I can't." "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." -- John Crowley, "Little, Big" %% "Ode to a Fool" To be a fool on "All Fools Day," Is really no disgrace. It takes a fool to call a fool A fool right to his face. It's sad when we're called fools for things We're oft misunderstood at Yet, fitting, we should have a day For something we're so good at. -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C." %% "Ode to a Mom on Mothers' Day" It's the time of the year To salute 'Mother Dear' Giving candy or cards as an uplift. Tho, dispensing such fluff Don't seem payment enough For the stuff that we made her put up with. She'd praise and admonish And sometimes astonish By granting us reprieves For the times when we'd fall And most dreadful of all, For wiping our nose on our sleeves. -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C." %% "Ode to a Mom" $5,000,000,000,000,000,000 -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C." %% "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by some concrete example." Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of course arise from a choice of the wrong example." -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" %% "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." "He was going to suck my blood!" "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt if they don't live our way." ... "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your decision, you choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." "When you look at it that way..." "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. Whatever. We want. To do." -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" %% "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll [Through the Looking-Glass] %% "Shit Happens," as interpreted by world religions: EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon. SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves. REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate? CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray. TAOISM: Shit happens. CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, "Shit happens". BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. HINDUISM: This shit has happened before. PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it. ISLAM: If shit happens, kill the person(s) responsible. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US? %% "Souls_of_Us" deep down, we know, smile, amused at our antics rejoice at our discovery. sometimes i feel your knowingness, the glowing roots trailing, taproot to truth. other times i let myself become distracted, misled, lost in illusion blind behind the blowing sands of predicament. why create me so alone? god, i feel you singing in the ground, echo in the sky, surge seas, but ignorance stains your light as it flows through me, a window tined with limitation. we have shared such light, resonated crystal harmonies tasted sweet spirit flow entwine absorbed the velvet dark silence -- why must i disconnect? the horror of falling from your shadow pervades this world of passions, feeds our clumsy clinging illusions, our precious naivety. how i long for us to dance again in dyadic orbit, twin suns turn in spiral embrace join and form again, spinning flowing threads so exquisitely traced. around, within, beside -- where are you? yes. everywhere and more. dance along, expand, release: open eyes across the sands of time. -- 11/86 %% "THE DERIVATIVE SONG" (To the tune of "There'll be Some Changes Made") You take a function of x and you call it y, Take any x-nought that you care to try, You make a little change and call it delta x, The corresponding change in y is what you find nex', And then you take the quotient and now carefully Send delta x to zero, and I think you'll see That what the limit gives us, if our work all checks, Is what we call dy/dx, It's just dy/dx. -- Tom Lehrer, AMM, 81 (1974) 490: %% "THE MASOCHISM TANGO" You caught my nose In your left castanet, love; I can feel the pain yet, love, Ev'ry time I hear drums. And I remember the rose That your teeth used to clench, love; With the thorns underneath, love, Sticking into your gums! Your heart casts a spell that bewitches; The last time I needed twenty stitches. To sew up the gash You made with your lash As we danced to the Masochism Tango! -- Tom Lehrer %% "THE PROFESSOR'S SONG" (To the tune of "If You Give Me Your Attention" from "Princess Ida") (Gilbert and Sullivan) My diagrams are models of true art, you must agree, And my handwriting is famous for its legibility. Take a word like "minimum" (to choose a random word), [The professor writes "/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/"] For anyone to say he cannot read that, is absurd. The anecdotes I tell get more amusing every year, Though frankly, what they go to prove is sometimes less than clear, And all my explanations are quite lucid, I am sure, Yet everybody tells me that my lectures are obscure, And I can't think why. -- Tom Lehrer, AMM, 81 (1974) 745: %% "THERE'S A DELTA FOR EVERY EPSILON" There's a delta for every epsilon, How sad, how cruel, how tragic, It's a fact that you can always count upon. How pitiful, and other There's a delta for every epsilon adjectives that I might mention. And now and again, The matter merits our attention. There's also an N. If an epsilon is a hero, Just because it is greater than But one condition I must give: zero, The epsilon must be positive It must be mighty discouragin' A lonely life all the others live, To lie to the left of the origin. In no theorem A delta for them. This rank discrimination is not for us, We must fight for an enlightened calculus, Where epsilons all, both minus and plus, Have deltas To call their own. -- Tom Lehrer, AMM, 81 (1974) 612: %% "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister Shirley." "So?" "She's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." %% "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") On the good ship Enterprise Every week there's a new surprise Where the Romulans lurk And the Klingons often go berserk. Yes, the good ship Enterprise There's excitement anywhere it flies Where Tribbles play And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, Mr. Spock is at his side. The weekly menace, ooh-ooh It gets fried, scattered far and wide. It's the good ship Enterprise Heading out where danger lies And you live in dread If you're wearing a shirt that's red. -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics %% "The Keyboard Prayer" Our keyboard who art in memory. Hello be thy name. Thy operating system come, Thy commands be done, At the printer as it is on the screen. Give us this day our daily data, And forgive us our I/O errors, As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration. Deliver us from power surges. For thine is the algorithm, The application, And the solution, Looping forever and ever, Return. %% "The Purple Cow" I never saw a purple cow, I never hope to see one, But I can tell you anyhow, I'd rather see than be one. Later, by the same poet: Yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow," I'm sorry now I wrote it, But I can tell you anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it. %% "The Telecom Blues" (with apologies to Janis Joplin) Oh Lord, won't yah buy me, a faster modem. My friends got 1200s, I sure envy 'em. Or a 2400, I'd blow them away. Oh Lord, send a modem, now what do yah say? Oh Lord, won't ya buy me, a DDS line? 56 KB would sure be so fine. I'd upload those programs in new record time. Oh Lord, won't yah buy me a DDS line? Oh Lord, won't yah buy me, a link made of glass. T1 was okay, but fiber's got more class. No more VCO, I'll send out the real thing. Oh Lord, baseband networks are what you should bring. Oh Lord, won't yah buy me a satellite link. Hook it to Rockville, or now that I think... To Brookfield, OH that would tickle me pink. Oh Lord, won't yah buy me a satellite link. %% "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder hard, to keep from falling. Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." ... "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns." -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" %% "There's glory for you!" "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't-- till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you CAN make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the country. We're completely computerized. "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" -- National Lampoon (September, 84) %% "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" %% "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and predatory. The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, Kid, I'd have myself a time!" -- William Burroughs %% "We've decided to have the budgie put down." "Oh, is he very old then?" "No, we just don't like him." "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a great big book called "How To Put Your Budgie Down". And as I understand it, you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just above the beak." "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." -- Monty Python %% "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the psycho-prompter couch?" "Thank you, Red." "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." "Yes, Red." "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" "Yes, Red." "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 explain the failure of your three marriages." "Well, I--" "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our product." %% "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being ripped off..." "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and let him lie there all night." "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside in the street, bleeding to death...'" "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." -- H. Thompson [talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame] %% "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. %% "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" %% "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" %% "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff McNelly, "Shoe" %% "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. %% "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." "But, mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. "We did." %% "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% 'First, the fish must be caught.' That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it. 'Next, the fish must be bought.' That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it. 'Now cook me the fish!' That is easy, and will not take more than a minute. 'Let it lie in a dish!' That is easy, because it already is in it. 'Bring it here! Let me sup!' It is easy to set such a dish on the table. 'Take the dish-cover up!' Ah, that is so hard that I fear I'm unable! For it holds it like glue -- Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle: Which is easiest to do, Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle? -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% 'IS THERE IN TRUTH NO BEAUTY?' [** 1/2] First aired October 18, 1968. Miranda, a telepath, is jealous of Spock's greater abilities in forming a mind-link with Kollos, an alien so ugly that the very sight of him can drive a man insane. %% 'LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD' [*/2] First aired January 10, 1969. Two two-toned beings try to get Kirk to take sides in their racial disputes. I think one of these guys also was the Riddler of Batman fame. %% (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." %% *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what you should blame when you make a mistake. Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** %% *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to try this simple test: 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. %% *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could have made this possible. Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate yourself in the morning. %% *** When Love is Hurt, And wings are lead, And words are always wrong, A heart is burnt, A heart is dead, And hoarseness is the song, The fragile world Of eyes and hearts Is crumpled with a breath, And of the whole Are only parts, And death again, and death . . . Too often mentioned Hearts and eyes, When will you find a place That has a voice, And hears your cries, And gives a face a face . . . %% --- /\ V 3 | | z**2 dz cos(3*pi/9) = ln (e**1/3) | \/ 1 The integral of z squared, dz from 1 to the square root of 3 times the cosine of 3 PI over nine Is the log of cube root of e %% ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like unto a snowball in Hell." -- "The Begatting of a President" %% 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 7 A dozen, a gross and a score, plus three times the square root of four divided by seven plus five times eleven is nine squared and not a bit more. %% A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew that he had ever eaten. "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What kind of meat is it?" "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." "Rabbits don't make any noise..." "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" %% A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. %% A Poem To Me Mudder (On Mudder's Day) When me prayers were poorly said Who tucked me in me widdle bed And spanked me butt 'till it was red... Me Mudder. Who took me from me cozy cot And put me on the ice cold pot And made me pee if me could not... Me Mudder. And when the morning light had come And in me bed me dwibbled some Who wiped me tiny widdle buns... Me Mudder. Who would me hair so gently part And hug me tightly to her heart And sometimes squeeze me 'till me fart... Me Mudder. %% A Requiem For Today's Technologist A computer is my lover The only life I've ever known I've given it my soul And in return I've got it's own. I tried to love a human But he filled my days with pain The ache was so intense, I swore I'd not love man again. My love went to the computer For it was quick and smart, And it would never hurt me - Until it became my heart. The life in me has died - The greatest pain I've ever known - From the computer as my lover And the empty soul I own. %% A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. "Is she with her lover?" The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say that I feel terrible about how she treats you." The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back to the phone and says "It's done." The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" %% A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". %% A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" %% A famous basketball player was killed in the crash of a DC-3. Next thing he knew, he was standing in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter noticed the extra-tall fellow standing in line, dropped his regular work and rushed out to greet him. "Come right in! We've been waiting for you!" St. Peter dragged him inside and began a personally-guided tour of Heaven. The basketball player said, "I don't wish to seem ungrateful, but I was having a really great career and don't understand why I had to get killed just now." St. Peter said, "Well, you see, it's like this-- We're starting a team Up Here, and we had to recruit some talent." They enter a very fancy gymnasium where people are practicing basketball. The basketball player recognizes some of them, and decides that Heaven may not be so bad after all. One idiosyncratically-dressed person is running up and down the sidelines, screaming at everyone. "Who's THAT guy?" the new arrival asks St. Peter. "That's God. He thinks he's !" < >: insert generic basketball coach. %% A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?" His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got outside one day..." %% A lady goes into the neighborhood grocery store in her small Northeastern town and goes to the butcher. LADY: Hello. Are you new in town? BUTCHER: Yes, I am. LADY: Welcome to . BUTCHER: Thank you. How may I help you? L: I would like a Maine Turkey, please. B: (puzzled) Okay, here. (Hands her a turkey) L: (turns over turkey and looks in its asshole) Hey, this turkey is from Massachusetts. B: So it is. Sorry. How about this one? (Hands her another turkey) L: (again looking in turkey's asshole) Look, stop trying to fool me! This Turkey is from Pennsylvania!!! B: Okay, okay, I think you'll like this one. L: (again looking in turkey's asshole) Yes! Thank you! Finally a turkey from Maine! You said you're new around here right? B: Yes. L: Where did you come here from? B: (pulling down his pants and mooning her) You're the expert! You tell me !!!!!!!!! %% A little girl in a school in USSR was asked to use "communist" in a sentence. She said, "My cat just had a litter of kittens and they are all communists". A month later the same little girl was asked to use the word "capitalist" in a sentence. She said, "My cat had a litter of kittens and now they are capitalists". The teacher was shocked and ask what had happened to the kittens. The little girl responded, "Well they have opened their eyes now!" %% A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, "Hi, honey, I'm home." There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when I get home." Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" %% A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. %% A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this is eight-year-old Scotch." The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this is on the house." A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" %% A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. He arrived in Needles CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just hasn't been your day, has it?" %% A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my asshole can take another hard roll!" %% A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up." %% A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" %% A naive young priest is moved to a parish in a bad neighborhood of Manhattan and is quite bewildered by the legion of hookers who are constantly approaching him to whisper, "Five bucks for a blowjob, buddy." Finally, he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and approaches one of the nuns. "Excuse my presumption, Sister," says the young priest, "but could you please tell me what a blow job is?" "Five bucks, just like anywhere else," she replied. %% A ninety-year-old man and his ninety-year-old wife went to a lawyer to file for divorce. "But I don't understand," the lawyer said, "After all these years together, why do you suddenly want a divorce?" "We've wanted one all along," the man said, "We were just waiting for the kids to die." %% A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. %% A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. %% A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman. %% A phobia is by definition an irrational fear. Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of enclosed spaces. Ailurophobia is an irrational fear of cats. (And, as a friend of mine has observed, tooraloorailurophobia is an irrational fear of Irish cats.) -- Marty Helgesen %% A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" %% A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed antipersonnel devices." You probably call them bombs. %% A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." %% A sinner and a priest are golfing one day the the sinner missed a 3yrd putt and exclaimed ' Damn!! Missed !!'. Now the priest was shocked by this and replied, ' My son, you should not swear like that lest God strike you down.' 'God would never do that.' the sinner replied. Well the game went on and the sinner just wasn't having the best of times playing golf and he was constantly swearing and saying 'Damn! Missed'. Finally at the 18th hole the sinner is about to put. If he gets this put he will win the game. He takes a deep breath... Winds up.... Puts... The ball rolls towards the hole.. and.. he missed. ' DAMN ! MISSED !!' he screamed. Suddenly, great big clouds filled the air, gale-force wind was blowing, the sky went dark. *BOOOM* A bolt of lightning streaks thru the sky and the priest is fried to a crisp. The clouds roll away, the wind stops and the sky lights up again. And you hear and echoing sound of a voice in the distance ' Damn.... Missed...' %% A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." W: "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" Dr: Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little. (This needs to be done by the joke teller) W: Like this? Dr: A little more. W: Like this? Dr: No. A little more. W: Like this? Dr: Yes. Does that hurt? W: A little bit. Dr: Then stretch it over your head! %% A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?" After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." "Well, would you live in this house?" "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here." "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" "No." "Why not?" "She's left handed." %% A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." %% A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." %% A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss." The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" %% A young man working in a porno' shop is left in control while the owner leaves for lunch. The owner's departing words are: "Make me happy, make some deals." A lovely young women enters the establishment and asks: "What are your prices on the dildos?" "The white ones are $9.95 and the black ones are $18.95." "I'll take the white one." Yet another lovely young women enters the establishment: "What are your prices on the dildos?" "The white ones are $9.95 and the black ones are $18.95." "I'll take the black one." When a hose-bag slut of a painted lady walks in she asks: "What are your prices on the dildos?" "The white ones are $9.95 and the black ones are $18.95 and the plaid one is $50.00." She replied: "I'll take the plaid one." The store keep returning from his lunch enquires about any sales that where made. The young man replies: "I sold a white dildo for $9.95, a black dildo for $18.95, and your thermos for fifty bucks:-)" %% A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". %% AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. %% ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. %% Acceleration Enclosed in steel Wheels devouring road A course from me to me Magnified to the nth degree Windswept hair Daring the world to catch me Bowie is background to the chase Challenge me to win this race I am BondJamesBond James Dean Steve McQueen Machine in my control Break the barrier of mediocrity's sin So alive, I am, I am, I win -- The Ice Princess %% Accent joke: A Fortune 500 corporation decided that it needed to expand its ethnic diversity. However, they did not wish to lower their standards, so the implemented a test to screen applicants. On the first day of the new testing program, three black applicants arrived. The first was taken aside for testing. The personnel officer explained the purpose of the test, and stated that they would start with a spelling test. "Please spell the word 'before'." The applicant thought, and responded "befo'." B E F O : befo'." Needless to say, he failed. As is usual in jokes involving a sequence of three experiences, the second applicant fared similarly. The third applicant was asked the same question. "Befo'," he responded. "B E F O R E, befo'." The personnel administrator was delighted, and move on to the second phase of the test. "Now," she said, "please use the word in a sentence." The applicant responded: "Befo'. Two plus two be fo'." %% According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." %% According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. %% After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911 %% After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. %% After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a name for my baby." "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name." %% Algie's last letter to Lidia was written only a few days before he died, but reached her some weeks later, as he had neglected to mark it 'Correo Aereo'. In this letter he reported the discovery of several new contradictions in terms and mentioned, among other things, that Piero della Francesca died on the same day that Columbus discovered America, and that there is in Mexico a rat poison called The Last Supper. Such information is hard to come by these days; now that Algie was gone, Lidia could not readily think of another source. -- Shirley Hazzard, "Nothing in Excess" %% All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. -- Hunter S. Thompson %% An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, yaki-san." Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! Bonsai!" Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, yaki-san!" The prime minister turned to the Aggie and replied, "What do you mean, wrong hole?" %% An American couple were touring the Sahara and thought it would be nice to spend the day in the desert on camel back. so they rented a camel from Abdul's Rent-a-Hump. Well they were crusing around the desert for about an hour and it was getting pretty hot when all of a sudden the camel come to a dead stop. I mean it wouldn't even blink. They dismounted, which was quite a drop, and try as they might they couldn't get that camel to budge. About a half hour of frustration later a camel maintenance man happened by. They gave him a description of what had happened and the man proceeded to give the camel the once over. He went back to his camel and grabbed a six foot long two by four and went to the back of the camel, took a batters stance, reared back and WHACK!!!!!! PSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH. With which the camel relaxed and lowered its self to the ground ready to be remounted. The couple was grateful but curious. "What was the problem" they asked. The man responded "Vapor Locked." %% An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the what you say, the testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." %% An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" said the the soldier. "My name is Mary," said the woman. "And mine is Joseph," said the man. "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you going?" "To Bethlehem." "Your reason for going there?" "To pay our taxes to the government." "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto Ricans?" %% An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint. As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable. The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" %% An icicle It runs and runs and never tires Down and down and never up. A stream %% An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." %% Ancestry When speaking of our ancestry, My mother's eyes would shine, And proudly she would tell us all: "You're of the Tudor line." But father with a smile would say: "While bearing that in mind, You keep your eyes on goals ahead; Not those that be behind." "You have a noble ancestry, But all are dead and gone, 'Tis you who have to prove your worth, Not those who've journeyed on." "And back along that Tudor line, 'Tis sorry truth I state, There may be some you can't approve, And even some you'd hate." "The way to prove your ancestry, As what you are yourself; Not by the charted family tree, In book upon the shelf." "So try to be an ancestor, Within the time allowed, Of whom your children's children, In the future can be proud." %% And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" %% Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." %% Armitage crossed stiffly to the table and took three fat bundles of New Yen from the pockets of his trenchcoat. "You want to count it?" he asked Yonderboy. "No," the Panther Modern said. You'll pay. You're a Mr. Who. You pay to stay one. Not a Mr. Name." -- William Gibson, "Neuromancer" %% At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. %% BIOCHEMISTRY Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discoverer: First discovered by Adam in pure form. Physical properties: 1) Boils at any temperature 2) Freezes at nothing. 3) Melts when properly treated 4) Very bitter if not used well 5) Unstable under pressure Occurrence: Surplus quantities in urban areas Chemical properties: 1) Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. 2) Reacts violently if left alone. 3) Has ability to absorb great quantities of food. 4) Turns green if placed beside better looking specimen. Test uses: 1) Highly ornamental 2) Useful as an equalizer in distribution. 3) Useful as a catalyst in acceleration of HIS spirits. 4) Most effective income reducing-agent known to man (this guy didn't have kid(s) - rjs) CAUTION: HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE IN INEXPERIENCED HANDS %% Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. Ms. Walters: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small fat, tall, fuck-em all." Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck-em deer." %% Barney Theme Song I love you, you love me, I brainwash your kids with TV Buy my stuff, spend spend spend, I just want to be your friend -- Karl Rademacher, gsu0010@ecn.uxa %% Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" %% Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" %% Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" %% CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. %% CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. %% CHIP AHOY I bought the latest computer; It came completely loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, But in 30 was outmoded. -- Bill Ihlenfeldt, "The Wall Street Journal" %% COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% Chapter VIII Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. %% Come... Dry your eyes, for you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly. Dry your eyes...And let's go home. -- Watchmen %% Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 Sept 28 Blind Academy Sept 30 World War I Veterans Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients %% Death and the dying. by C. J. Morgan I stand by and watch you dying There's nothing I can do The "experts" say you're fine but how can I believe them I've seen you die before I know the signs Why can't they listen Why can't they see I care Please let me in beyond those walls The death you seek is final There's no turning back when you find what you don't want Please let me in beyond those walls Can't you see I'm there Can't you see I care Throughout the days I say What could I have done What can I do How can I show I'm there How can I show I care And above the rest how can I say I love you -- copyright (c) 1988 by C. J. Morgan. May only be distributed for personal non-profit use. %% Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, and you... uh... don't have all the..." "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" %% Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better? %% Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values. I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it. I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family. -- Vice President Dan Quayle %% Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs %% Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" %% During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." %% During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" %% During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." %% Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the tug at his sleeve. "Again?" And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." %% Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." %% Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" %% Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me." %% Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" %% FATHER'S DAY I sit here in a dither With thoughts that wander thither And try so very hard To write my Dad a card. It's not an easy time, There are no words that rhyme.... With Father. I don't know why I bother! -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C." %% FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% FILLED MY SOUL I heard the force of the universe last night. I heard the solar wind as it brushed gently against my face. I heard the energy of the stars, their birth, their life, and I heard their death. I heard the storms on Jupiter and the volcanos on Io. I heard the mad-dash expansion of the Milky Way, of the universe itself. As I walked out on the porch And lifted my face toward the heavens, I heard the force of the universe last night. Of course, it was only the distant whine of tires on the interstate, but I heard the force of the universe last night, And if filled my soul. %% Face ---- On a frosty window pane The lonely skies sing In lines of ice Writ long and thin Against a brooding night, While greying branches Uproot the moon And noiseless all the snowflakes fall Soft, moist and gentle. And in that deepening silence hangs A face that stares me down Mocks my eyes Rapes my soul Profanes my very being With its touch. %% Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. %% For fifteen days I struggled to prove that no functions analogous to those I have since called Fuchsian functions could exist; I was then very ignorant. Every day I sat down at my work table where I spent an hour or two; I tried a great number of combinations and arrived at no result. One evening, contrary to my custom, I took black coffee; I could not go to sleep; ideas swarmed up in clouds; I sensed them clashing until, to put it so, a pair would hook together to form a stable combination. By morning I had established the existence of a class of Fuchsian functions, those derived from the hypergeometric series. I had only to write up the results which took me a few hours. -- Henri Poincare, "Science et Methode" %% Former Vice President Spiro Agnew, a California resident, recently filed for a state tax refund. He says the bribes he took while governor of Maryland in the sixties (which he had to pay back to the state) weren't really his money to begin with so he shouldn't have to pay tax on them. %% Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." %% Fumbling The Future How Xerox invented, then ignored, the first personal computer -- by Smith and Alexander William Morrow and Co. Starring Bob Taylor, Butler Lampson, Dave Liddle, Gary Starkweather, Jack Goldman, Peter McColough, John Ellenby, Jerry Elkind, Shelby Carter, ... Stacey's Bookstore in Palo Alto sold out their first shipment in two days. (Palo Alto Research Center, Parc, is where Xerox did the research.) %% GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. %% GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. %% Gary Hart and his wife Lee have decided to repeat their marriage vows. Mrs. Hart said that the wedding will be exactly the same as their first, except they've decided to skip the rice thing. %% Grace Aluminum gulls Down the airport approach Over the last freeway and gliding Until it's over. Then the concrete, the tons of motion, And the tires Chirping a complaint That smells burnt a mile away. Like the retired dancers' Bad leg, It's all paid for. Solely the personal opinions of Richard Gisselquist. Lift- so slowly, An arm to pull away Slow motion snicks Into a sudden steel breeze. Badly contorted Face in to the sun, Flesh Slowly pulling from the bone- This world is killing us. It is time to go- It was time long ago Laughter has gone ahead. And when I am done The wind shall have me for its own And leave my fetters hanging On a chilly Knife-edged breeze. %% Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe, but not in the House." %% Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!" "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now." %% Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" %% Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home from the club to an irate, ranting wife. "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." "Now, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... %% He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite!" %% Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle %% Here's another car ad we'll never see: For the fourth year in a row (1987-90) the Camaro is the most stolen car in the USA. Fourteen of the 20 most stolen cars in the USA in 1990 were GM products. %% Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say "shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every object--every board, washer, nail and screw--in the entire store ... Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime around the middle of next week". -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs %% Hug O' War I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein %% I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" %% I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout. -- Jonathan Swift (1667-1745), "A Modest Proposal" %% I read about a professor who once wrote (sorry, I don't have my source handy) on a student's paper: "Ten more lines of randomly selected BS and I would have failed you and anyone who looked like you." %% I said I'm two and a half billion years old because when I was young the earth was two billion years old and now it is four and a half billion years old so I must be two and a half billion years old. -- Paul Erdos %% I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in a similar fashion. I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution- ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books. -- Jeff G. Bone %% I wanted to give you something special for your birthday, so I baked you the biggest and fanciest birthday cake I could. Unfortunately, it was so big and heavy that I couldn't lift it onto the cart to deliver it. I tried to construct a lever to lift it onto the cart, but it didn't work. So I made a bigger lever and tried to lift it onto the cart, but it didn't work. So, I made an even bigger lever, but try as I could I couldn't lift the cake. Fortunately, as I was doing this, my friend Nate, the biggest and strongest person I know walked by, and without any trouble at all, lifted the cake onto the cart without any help at all. Which only goes to show, "Better Nate than lever." %% I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. -- Rodney Dangerfield %% INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% If a schlemazl sold umbrellas, it would stop raining; if he sold candles, the sun would never set; and if he made coffins, people would stop dying. %% If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and repeat the sequence. You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around your own apartment? -- William S. Burroughs %% If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?" Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money. This article can help you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% Ignis Fatuus I am illusion Creation of your desires Your dreams and ambitions Shape-shifting chimera I reflect your soul I am myriad loves I play for you I pray for you My strength is only yours Without you Will I not be? Will I disappear? Let the illusion die Before it kills us Let me be weak Let me sleep And dream of her -- Cynthia Schaefer (The Ice Princess) %% Impressions What impressions hide behind the eye-liner Are they as shallow as she looks or something finer Than the superficial mask reveals Who is the black/white sheepdog girl She is her own heroine in a whirl Of anger that never heals She refuses their love so is accused of lust All that remains is to put her trust In the orgasmic way the music feels %% In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhhh... this stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that. %% In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-antique" rugs. %% In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. %% In recent discussions on today's serious diseases, one of the most serious has been neglected:anneurisms. Although it is more properly categorized as an event (like a heart attack) than a disease, there are many variations which many people not be aware of: * People at sporting events frequently suffer from Fanneurisms. * Baseball fans in particular have Stan-the-manneurisms. * People from Southern California have Tanneurisms while * people from New Jersey have Rosanne-rosannadanneurisms. * Buddhist monks often have Yin-Yanneurisms and * overweight people suffer from Fat-in-the-canneurisms. * On the highway, people get Vanneurisms but * truckers uniquely suffer from Carrivanneurisms. * Japanese movie fans have Rodanneurisms. * Much of the middle class suffer from Suburbanneurisms. * Woman most often have Manneurisms while * men usually have Womanneurisms. %% In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! %% In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do you close your eyes?" "So that the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. %% In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads In the evening, floating in the soup. (chorus): Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! You can ask them anything you want to. They won't answer; they can't talk. (chorus): I took a fish head out to see a movie, Didn't have to pay to get it in. (chorus): They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. (chorus): Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women. (chorus): Fishy! (chorus): -- Fish Heads %% It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings. The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. -- Playboy (January 1983) %% It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction. %% It seems there were these three strings (yes, I said strings) who were thirsty on hot afternoon, so they stopped into a bar to have some beer. They took a table in a nice cool corner and called a waiter over. "We'd like a pitcher of beer, please," said one. The waiter squinted his eyes a little and said in a mean voice, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here," and walked away. Well, the strings were a little taken aback, but one got a little plucky, went up to the bar and said, "Either serve me a beer now or throw me out!" He hit the sidewalk a few seconds later. The second string was outraged, ran up to the bar, and hit the sidewalk just as fast. Now the third string was also outraged, but he was also quite thirsty, so he snuck into the bathroom for a quick disguise. First he tied himself in a knot, frizzed both of his ends, and headed back to the bar. The waiter and the bartender both looked at him suspiciously and said, "Ain't you one of them strings?" And the string replied, "Nope. I'm afraid not." %% It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lilly pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter. Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten. A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the third frog. The second frog explained: "Time's fun when your having flies" %% It was a dark and stormy night. I had just come from a rare meeting with my boss, and he had just given me a grilling. As I endured his roast, I kept wondering what was at stake here. I was bone tired from my dog-day afternoon. It was raining cats and dogs outside, while hailing taxicabs. I caught a greyhound to The Lion's Den for a rip-roaring time. After monkeying with the gals and horsing with the guys, I hoofed my way home. As I walked through my door, I noticed this good-looking doll had followed me home. It seems that there were some strings attached to my monkey business. She started buttering me up and said that she wanted some bread. It seems my loafing around was going to cost me some dough. I shelled out the cash so she'd clam up. Before she left, I asked her what her name was. She said, "Pearl." Then she left, so I turned on the radio to this really tubular station, sat back, listened to the music, and shortly thereafter, found myself on the open road to sleep. %% It was a month after Trotsky had left Russia in disgust with the revolution. Lenin was absolutely heartbroken. He agonized over Trotsky's departure, and sorely missed his companionship. Then late one day, he received a telegram from Trotsky in Western Europe: YOU WERE RIGHT I WAS WRONG THIS IS A REVOLUTION. (to be recited: "YOU were right! *I* was wrong! THIS--is a revolution!) Lenin was ecstatic--Trotsky was validating everything they had fought for. He wanted to share his euphoria with someone, but no one was around. He spied an old woman sweeping the street, and rushed out to greet her. "Good news! Good news!" he shouted gleefully, "Look at this telegram from Trotsky! He forgives me!" The old woman eyed the message suspiciously, and asked, "You call this good news?" Puzzled, Lenin said, "What do you mean?" The old woman said, "Here, read it--(with the inflection of an old Jewish woman)--You were RIGHT? I was WRONG? THIS is a REVOLUTION??" %% It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this country there's only one." "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez that?" "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" %% It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" %% It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens." %% James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." %% Jesus took his disciples up the mountain, and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they who thirst justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven... And Simon Peter asked, "Do we have to write this down?" And Andrew asked, "Are we supposed to know this?" And James asked, "Will we have a test on it?" And Phillip asked, "What if we don't know it?" And Bartholomew asked, "Do we have to turn this in?" And John asked, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this." And Matthew asked, "When do we get out of here?" And Judas asked, "What does this have to do with the real life?" And one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain... %% Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." %% John and Joan Cowpoke were riding west in their covered wagon .. Being as they were from the east (obviously) they were fascinated with the Indians and the west in general... They stopped in front of the Indian and listened to what he was muttering... Injun: Two horses, one brown, one black...Three riders, man smoke pipe, wear hat,,woman wear bonnet,, child,5... three cattle,milkers... The easterners were astonished by this... Cowpoke: You can tell all that from listening to the ground? Injun: No, run over me, half hour ago... %% Just because they found Martin Bormann's skull doesn't mean he's dead, my best beloved; for everyone knows that competent observers from every neutral country have reported sighting an old man in Argentina whose head is wrapped in bandages, and only the hunted eyes show, winking and blinking beneath the thousands of cranial splints... -- William T. Vollman, "You Bright and Risen Angels" %% Just yesterday, a college student came up to me and asked me a serious question: "Reverend Chuck," he asked, "what are the most important things in life?" He honestly expected a complex answer, all full of philosophy and other types of thinking, but instead I gave her the straight-forward, no bull answer: "Money and Jesus," I said. %% Kennedy Tower, Delta 418, with you marker inbound. Delta 418, Kennedy, roger, we'll send the equipment. (for the non-pilots in the audience, Delta flight 418 called the Kennedy control tower saying that it had just joined the frequency and was passing the outer marker, inbound to the airport. An outer marker is a radio navigation facility typically about 5 miles from the field. Thus Delta 418 is about to land. The control tower responded by saying they would get the "equipment" ready -- this is a euphemism for fire trucks and ambulances.) %% LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. %% LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. %% La fille qui n'a point d'amy La fille qui n'a point d'amy comment vitelle? Elle ne dort ne nuict ne jours, nois toujoures veille. Ce sont emours qui la reneille et qui la garde de dormir A qui dira elle sa pensee la fille qui a n'a point d'ammy? (The girl with no lover, how does she live? She sleeps not night or day but is ever wakeful. It is desire which wakens her, and which holds her from sleep. To whom will she tell her thoughts the girl with no lover.) -- Francesko Layolle (ca. 1475-ca. 1550) %% Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" %% Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the outskirts of town. He finds a place to live--huge mansion, dirt cheap, caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going now. They're in a band. -- Ira Kaplan %% Liberty Hulse of Middle Island was steadying an unidentified blonde woman who was crying and appeared near a state of collapse. ``You have to eat,'' Hulse said to the woman. ``You have a beautiful family, and you have to take care of them too.'' Hulse explained to reporters that the woman ``hasn't eaten for weeks'' because of anxiety over the fate of two dogs who were ostensibly buried in the cemetery in Middle Island about 60 miles east of New York City. Hulse said she also paid to have her dog buried there, and she expressed concern that the cemetery might be bulldozed as a health hazard because of an estimated quarter of a million animals buried there. ``Are they going to bulldoze it?'' she asked. ``Over my dead body, because they will have to kill me first.'' -- (UPI) Enraged pet owners curse cemetery owners, 7/9/91 %% Long Island Iced Tea 1/2 oz. gin 1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. rum (didn't say light or dark or flavored) 3/4 oz. tequila 1/2 oz. triple sec 1/2 oz. orange juice 3/4 oz. sour mix (for whiskey sours) 1/2 oz. cola Shake with ice cubes and then strain into frosted glass. %% Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before my bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still, my dear, Until my wife is wise. %% Maggie and Tom are a couple with a passion for ice cream. They stopped at the local ice creamery, then returned to their car with double scoops of chocolate almond fudge. No sooner had they settled back to enjoy their cones than two birds landed on the car hood and began to chirp and flutter and peck at the windshield. Finally Maggie rolled down her window and placed the rest of her cone on the hood. The birds quieted down and began to eat the cone. "Maggie, you're wonderful," said Tom. "How did you think of doing that?" "Oh, it wasn't hard to figure out," said Maggie. "It's just another example of stilling two birds with one's cone." %% Man Man is something that should be overcome. Thus live your life of obedience and war! What good is long life? What warrior wants to be spared? I do not spare you, I love you from the heart, my brothers in war! %% Miller. A lot of people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch of unconnected incidents and things. They don't realize that there's this like... lattice of coincidence that lays on top of everything. I'll give you an example. Show you what I mean. Suppose you're thinking about a plate of shrimp. Suddenly somebody'll say like, "plate," or "shrimp," or "plate of shrimp" -- out of the blue. No explanation. No point in looking for one either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness. Otto You eat a lot of acid, Miller? Back in Hippie days? %% Miller Flying saucers, which are really... yeah, you got it... time machines. I think a lot about this kind of stuff. I do my best thinkin' on the bus. That's how come I don't drive, see. Otto You don't even know how to drive. Miller I don't want to know how. I don't want to learn. See, the more you drive, the less intelligent you are. %% Miller I'll give you another instance. You know the way everybody's into weirdness right now? Books in all the supermarkets about Bermuda Triangles? UFOs? How the Mayans invented television? That kind of thing. Otto I don't read them books. %% Miller Well, the way I see it, it's exactly the same. There ain't no difference between a flying saucer and a time machine. People get so hung up on specifics, they miss out on seein' the whole thing. Take South America for example. In South America, thousands of people go missing every year. Nobody knows where they go. They just like disappear. But if you think about it for a minute, you realize something. There had to be a time where there was no people, right? Otto Yeah, I guess. Miller Well where did all these people come from? Hmmm? I'll tell you where. The Future. Where did all these people disappear to? Hm? Otto The past. %% Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun." %% Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose and Knights of Pithiests. The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. So we're going back in a few years... -- Julius H. Marx, "Groucho" %% NOTICE Office of Civilian Defense Ottawa Instruction to patrons on premises in case of Nuclear bomb attack. 1. Stay clear of all windows. 2. Keeps hands free of glass, bottles, cigarettes, etc. 3. Stand away from bar, tables, orchestra, equipment and furniture. 4. Loosen necktie, unbutton coat and any other restrictive clothing. 5. Remove glasses, empty pockets of all sharp objects such as pens, pencils, etc. 6. Immediately upon seeing the brilliant flash of Nuclear explosion, bend over and place your head firmly between your legs. 7. Then kiss your ass goodbye. %% Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a professional liar? If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: did the applicant go to TCU? If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" %% Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo pilosophorum. (Nothing so absurd can be said, that some philosopher has not said it.) -- Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 B.C.) %% No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock Holmes %% No, son, you lose. 'Cause this is a Smith & Wesson I'm holdin' here, an' a Smith & Wesson beats four aces. -- Canada Bill Jones %% Not long ago, a teaching hospital installed a computer to interview patients visiting its Gynecology department. Apparently several of the programmers were not familiar with Medicine. One of the questions it asked was, "Are you having your monthly period now?" If the answer was 'yes', the computer would sent the woman away and make a new appointment -- in four weeks time. Think about that one for a minute. %% Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can stand alone--proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" %% Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" %% On his was back to the lobby, his cigarettes forgotten, he had to walk the length of the ranked phones. Each rang in turn, but only once, as he passed. -- William Gibson, "Neuromancer" %% On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is saying." The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is singing." "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." %% Once there lived a mother mouse with her two young children. They lived in a lonely area in the fields, and they had few neighbors. The nearest general store was all the way across the cornfields, but one day the mother needed to get some groceries. Her children feared for her safety, and pleaded that she not go, but she reassured them and went on her way. Suddenly, she felt herself being sucked up by a huge force. She was pulled into the huge piece of machinery,tossed around brutally, and finally was spit back out on to the field. Clothes ripped, hair mussed, she decided to just head home. Her children saw her state and were quite upset. "Mommy, mommy!", they cried. "What happened?" "It was horrible!" responded the mother mouse."I've been reaped !" %% Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. %% Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. %% Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast a spell over me and turned me into a frog." "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to help you break such a spell." "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend the night under her pillow." The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day her father and mother still don't believe her story. %% Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. %% One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you." The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie Kelly?" He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" %% One evening, a priest was walking down a street in the seamy section of downtown. A prostitute approached him with the following words: "Hey father, how about a blow-job for ten dollars?". While not being familiar with much crude sexual vernacular, he knew what the woman was and that she was making some sort of a sexual gesture. Of course, he refused and continued down the street. For the rest of the walk back to the rectory he kept rolling the word "blowjob" around in his head trying to figure out what it meant. He finally makes it back to the rectory still puzzled as to what, specifically, is a blowjob. Upon entering the rectory he happens upon one of the nuns who worked in his parish. Concerned that he may have to deal with this term later on, (we all know what wonderful sexual counselors priests are) he decides to risk embarrassing the nun to see if she knows what a blowjob is. "Hey, sister," he reluctantly asks, "what's a blowjob?" To which the nun replies, "Ten dollars, same as downtown." %% One hysterical woman screamed: ``They killed my babies! They killed my babies!'' -- (UPI) Enraged pet owners curse cemetery owners, 7/9/91 %% One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" %% One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen [president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984] %% One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost dark, and they say their goodnights and part. The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, grandpa.", he remarks. "Yep, I know. This is from your grandma." %% Overheard in a bar: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." %% PARK'S LAW OF TAXES AND INSURANCE: Whatever goes up, stays up. %% People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female persuasion. "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. %% People who write position papers often find themselves in an enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the position. A good position paper will have many words in it like "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a semicolon. -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" %% Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works. A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% Pupils Struggle with Economics Questions Here are some answers to questions asked of seventh- and eighth-grade students by the Foundation for Teaching Economics: Q: Are you part of the economic system? A: I'm a deduction on my parents' taxes. Q: Why do people pay taxes? A: To help out the government -- so they government doesn't have to pay for everything. %% Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well. -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub %% Roy Rogers gets a new pair of boots, but a mountain lion eats the boots. To get even, Roy chases (insert colorful description as needed) and kills (after long fight - to be described in vivid detail) the lion, and returns carrying the lion back to camp. When he returns, Dale Evans exclaims, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that ate your new shoes." %% SAFETY I can live without Someone I love But not without Someone I need. %% SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. %% SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. %% SPRING As I awoke this morning When all sweet things are born, A bird perched softly on my sill To signal coming morn. The bird was fragile, young, and gay, And sweetly did it sing, Hummed softly with a cheery song, So too my heart did sing. The sun gave to his feathers glow, And as he paused, a lull, I gently closed the window, And crushed his little skull. %% Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" %% School Daze It seems one day I had decided to cut class The better prepared with a forged hallway pass Really it seemed like the plan for a wonderful day But it just wasn't a game old teach' wanted to play Asleep in the lunchroom when she gave me a start It was time for class and she wanted me to take part Todays subject it seems was English Lit. A subject I cared for not even a bit "Sit down and write a sonnet", said she "Though heaven knows a poet you'll never be" She told me to compose just any old verse And quietly wondered who had raised this curse But when I returned to my blissful dream She lost all patience and started to scream "Now wake right up and finish your poem" I handed her this and headed for home %% Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. %% Scream In The Night I woke up last night, and I saw your face towering over me I lay there in horror, frozen in place hands groping horribly What will you do, how long will it last this time I wonder I feel your body, press against mine dragging me under I cry in horror, but no sound comes out as you force yourself on me Mother can't you hear me, as I scream and shout this terrible man all I see Suddenly I scream, aloud in the night kicking and tearing your hair And then I realize, through all of my fright you're no longer there I sit up in the bed, and I'm alone again, but I'm not really You're still not dead, I still feel the pain of what you did to me %% Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George. "What do you mean?" asked George. "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 22 years, you know." %% Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." %% Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have any." %% So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" %% So there I was, snuggled in the leather seat of my brand new Ferrari. I had the oiled wood gear shift in one hands, and the leather wrapped Momo in the other. And, I had the stereo cranking "Born to be Wild"... Only one problem, I was upside down, under six feet of water... %% So we get to my point. Surely people around here read things that aren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*. Surely we don't (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and philosophical message in all this, do we? So if this `cyberpunk' thing is just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out? If cyberpunk is just a word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be dead? Where are the profound statements that the `Movement' is or was trying to make? I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary (and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no? Maybe there should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or something. Something less restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk. -- Jeff G. Bone %% Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. And we always, always eat our vegetables. This is the Minneapple. %% TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. %% THE BEY OF ALGIERS The randy old Bey of Algiers Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, Tried a cunt for a change, And remarked : "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. Here is a sample program: LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) SURE LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM REALLY LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) IM*SURE GOTO THE MALL When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! %% THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. %% THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% TROTTOIR "Three steps to the slab, not quite" precise, my eyes took in my feet and then she WALTZED by, the air about her blue swirling skirt disturbed, "Ahh!" lost count. %% Talking Pinhead Blues: Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel TWENTY-SIX!! Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff) My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf) So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh) %% Tender Moments Tender moments When I touched you in the evening time When the sunlight glistened on your eyes I remember Tender moments When the night was late and goodbyes were long When I think of you and sing your song I remember Tender moments I remember Each time I saw your face Each time I help your hand Each time we kissed All those Tender moments When unspoken words can say so much When in silence gazes turn to touch I'll remember Tender moments %% That's Science Fiction *Society*. This leads to an amusing in-joke in John Brunner's recent "Muddle Earth" in which the female lead possesses the "LASFS gene -- Love At Second if not First Sight". -- David Goldfarb, goldfarb@ocf.berkeley.edu %% The Boot-It Song (sung to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Beat it") You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two, The system says your jobs at the head of the queue, Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT. You always get so worried when the system runs slow, And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know) So BOOT IT, Call the local guru to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Go ahead re-institute it. If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf, But if you are, it'll do itself. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Then go find the guy who screwed it! Operating systems are built to bounce back, Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack. BOOT IT, BOOT IT %% The Gary Hart Fight Song Come on, all you ladies and men, Gary Hart is runnin' again, We think he's got one hell of a chance, As long as he keeps on his pants Go to the polls, Cast your vote, He'll take you out on his boat! And it's one, two, three, Who you votin' for? Cast mine for lover boy, Fight inflation, give ladies joy! And it's five, six, seven, Hart's the guy for me, Vote for him now what do ya say, We know he's not gay! All you people give him a shove, A vote for Hart is a vote for love, Once elected he'll change your life, Get him in office and away from your wife, Spin the wheel, Roll the dice, His running mate's Donna Rice. And it's one, two, three, Who you votin' for? Cast mine for lover boy, Fight inflation, give ladies joy! And it's five, six, seven, Hart's the guy for me, Vote for him now what do ya say, We know he's not gay! %% The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I have a quarter?" The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're right! Can I have a dollar?" %% The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation. %% The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?'" "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" %% The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" %% The USENET computer network `I have someone to meet...' At three in the afternoon of Thanksgiving Monday My Spanish poem left Bath. To UKC at Kent then by line To MCVAX in Holland. All that evening it was travelling thru Europe North and South from Stockholm to Barcelona. And by satellite across to SEISMO at New York. From SEISMO it ploughed West all night Down the backbone 'Til by the morning it was hitting Berkeley and Stanford, the Pacific; Ready for the great leap to Hawaii, Then onto Melbourne and Kyoto, Last landing Auckland. Fanning out all week thru broad America Down smalltown campuses and engineering labs My poem has outstrippt Byron in his fame With its publishing speed. The computer lines sing right round the World `I have someone to meet...' %% The Worst She Can Say is No "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude- You gotta ask her out." "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'" "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" "The worst she can say...is 'No'!" "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouand Iwaswonderingifyou'd like to go out with me!" Oh my god you little Geek! Get away before I freak! I'm a babe and you are not. You can't handle what I've got! I'm too hot, too hot for you.. You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. Well you can beg until you're blue, But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. I'm too hot, too hot for you. Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! I want a whole man, not a half. You wet your pants, I'm so sure. Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm too hot, too hot for you. I've got a bitchin bod and a killer face, I'm god's gift to the male race. I'm the queen of babes supreme, But you'll only see me in you dreams. I'm too hot, too hot for you. "Well? What'd she say??" "Well, she didn't say no..." -- Barry and the Bookbinders %% The Yuppie's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray my Cuisinart to keep. I pray my stocks are on the rise, And that my analyst is wise, That all the wine I sip is white And that my hot tub's watertight, That racquetball won't get too tough, That all my sushi's fresh enough. I pray my cordless phone still works, That my career won't lose its perks, My microwave won't radiate, My condo won't depreciate. I pray my health club doesn't close And that my money market grows. If I go broke before I wake, I pray my Volvo they won't take. That's all for now. %% The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in." So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" %% The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday." %% The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight." %% The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product." %% The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he sees nothing but goyim..." "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think you got problems. What about my son?" %% The discovery of this strange society was a curiously refreshing thing; to realize that there were ten new trades in the world was like looking at the first ship or the first plough. It made a man feel what he should feel, that he was still in the childhood of the world. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936), "The Tremendous Adventures of Major Brown" %% The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen." %% The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. "That's two," he said. Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and pulling out a pistol, he shot the horse between the eyes. "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I married! You're a sadist, that's what!" The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. %% The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive. %% The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." %% The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" %% The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything with our hands," he explained. The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this little piece of string attached to my apron?" "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." "But how do you put it back?" "I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but I use the tongs." %% The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. -- Babe Ruth [in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium] %% The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" %% The radio was screaming: "Power to the People--Right On!" John Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the way when they try to be serious." "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get into the ether and the cocaine." "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just chew it up like baseball gum." I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from the Great Red Shark. "Oh, jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just did to us?" -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 %% The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "an ambulance." %% The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" %% The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears %% The wise man's eyes are in his head; but the fool walketh in darkness: and I myself perceived also that one event happeneth to them all. Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool so it happeneth even to me; and why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, that this is also vanity. For there is no remembrance of the wise more than of the fool for ever; seeing that which now is in the days to come shall all be forgotten. And how dieth the wise man? As the fool. -- Ecclesiastes 2:14-16 %% The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" %% The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. %% Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! -- Mason Williams %% Then there's the atmosphere--half the time you can eat the air, it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" %% There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method. General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. %% There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days. Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test. "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there." "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that." "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Safeway anymore either." %% There was a cage with several apes in it. In the cage there was a banana hung on a string, and stairs under it. Before long an ape went to the stairs to get the banana, but as soon as it even touched the stairs, all apes were sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one made another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now they took one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape saw the banana, and wanted to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attacked him. After another attempt he knew: if he wanted to climb the stairs, he would be beaten up. Then they removed a second ape and replaced it by another new one. The newcomer went to the stairs and got beaten up. The previous new ape took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. A third old ape was replaced by a third new one. The new one made it to the stairs and got beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him have no idea why they may not climb the stairs. They replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all apes which have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. One day a new, young ape asks, "But Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things around here, my boy." %% There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what they're carrying upstairs!" %% There was a mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. PROOF: Assume the opposite ... %% This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just come on over to the clinic." "But doctor," says the one-time fatty, "you don't understand. I'm too embarrassed to be seen in public like this." "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over." The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" "My belly button," blurts out the guy. "How d'ya like my tie?" %% This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night. "For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee." So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink. %% This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight." %% This fella catches a leprechaun. (I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories. We'll skip this part...) ...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish." "When?" "Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye." That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures on his front porch. The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?" %% This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" "I......I'm 21 and I I've never been kissed... " So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders away feeling wonderful. Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" "I...I'm 21 and I've never been fucked..." The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" %% This yuppie had just gotten his first BMW and wanted to show it off to his friends. So he goes motoring up Broadway, and parks at his friends apartment. He was so excited that he forgot to look when he opened the door. Just then, a taxi comes screaming up and neatly removes the door from the car, along with the guy's right arm. The guy jumps out of his car and starts screaming, "My BMW, my BMW!" The taxi driver comes running up, and says, "Listen, you're in shock, your arm was taken off and you're losing a lot of blood." The yuppie just notices that his arm was ripped off and starts to yell, "My Rolex, my Rolex!!" %% Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter S. Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" %% Three girls and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. The girls had been arrested for soliciting and the man was arrested for selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge asked, pointing at the first girl. "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. "Your honor, I'm an actress." "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about you?" he demanded. "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been laid off." "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do for a living?" "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." %% Tie? You want me to wear a *tie*? Listen: There's only one time in a man's life when he should have a rope knotted around his neck, and that time ain't yet come for me. -- Canada Bill Jones %% Time, because it is so fleeting, time, because it is beyond recall, is the most precious of human goods and to squander it is the most delicate form of dissipation in which man can indulge. -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), "The Bum" %% To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog %% To the habitual reader, reading is a drug of which he is the slave; deprive him of printed matter and he grows nervous, moody, and restless; then, like the alcoholic bereft of brandy who will drink shellac or methylated spirit, he will make do with the advertisements of a paper five years old; he will make do with a telephone directory. -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), "The Bum" %% Top Intellectual Societies in the World -------------------------------------------- NAME Address IQ to get in Percentile of Population -------------------------------------------- MENSA - 1701 W 3rd St | INTERTEL - PO Box 1083 Brooklyn, NY 11223 | Tulsa, OK 74101 133 98% | 138 99% TRIPLE NINE SOCIETY - 6017 27 Ave, NE Seattle, WA 98115 150 99.9% INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY FOR PHILOSOPHICAL ENQUIRY 12 N Church Rd Saddle River, NJ 07458 150 99.9% FOUR SIGMA SOCIETY - Box 795 Berkeley, CA 94701 164 99.997% (I believe this group is defunct, due to lack of members) PROMETHEUS SOCIETY - 13 Speer St Somerville, NJ 08876 164 99.997% MEGA SOCIETY - 103 Vincennes Rd Charlottesville, VA 22901 172 99.9999% %% Top Ten Excuses Why You Haven't Graduated Yet 10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research. 9. Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits obtainability of important research materials. 8. Can't remember anything that happened in 1986. 7. Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher). 6. I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility. 5. Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin. 4. Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard. 3. Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and Australia. 2. Thought the major field exam was "just a joke" until too late. And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating: 1. Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme. %% Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club car of a train headed east out of Chicago. "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to London?" The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did he say, Reggie?" "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman replied. After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months just before I came back to the States!" "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. "He says he knows mother," the younger Englishman responded. %% Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape." "You know," said on Pole to the other, "they get all the good jobs." %% Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow shum money from my wife." The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to affect the husband. "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he asked. "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for Pete's sake, turn off those lights." Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." %% Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going to be able to settle out of court." %% Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." %% Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether. %% Two men looked out from the prison bars, One saw mud-- The other saw stars. Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit in the head. %% Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at this ungodly hour?" The man said, "Come into the embalming room." They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now watch." He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at 3 in the morning to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? %% UGLY LITTLE BOY GO AWAY, ugly little boy, we don't want you playing with us. And stop watching us from behind your mother's curtains. Stupid! To think we don't see you! Ugly little boy, DON'T TOUCH ME. Go and make love to your sister. Keep it in the family. Ugly little boy, tear your head to pieces as you hear our laughing voices singing in the sun. %% VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. %% Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer." %% WALK ALONG Walk behind me There are no eyes there No time for clipped wings and daggers Fill, fill the drained cup And seal my lips! Walk behind me then, But bring along the caress of the evening wind Oh bring the sun along So your shadow merges with mine. %% WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves. %% We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why you are so tired. There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! %% We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" %% We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. ... "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition %% We're Knights of the Round Table We dance whene'er we're able We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're Knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable But many times We're given rhymes That are quite unsingable We're opera mad in Camelot We sing from the diaphragm a lot (Xylophone FX on knight's heads) In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable Between our quests We sequin our vests And impersonate Clark Gable It's a busy like in Camelot Solo: I have to push the pram a lot... (No, on second thought let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place...) %% Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. Time passed, unheeded. Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. -- Wayfarer %% Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway. Its ethics, so to speak, include a disdain for ethics in general. If you have to think about something so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea. Punks are anti-ismists, to coin a term. But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on. -- Jeff G. Bone %% What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice and they remain permanent influences on your life. Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" %% What you get when you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in your other hand? Kermit the frog's complete undivided attention. %% What's the difference between the National Security Council and a Day Care Center? Adult Supervision. %% When I received the Nobel Prize, the only big lump sum of money I have ever seen, I had to do something with it. The easiest way to drop this hot potato was to invest it, to buy shares. I knew that World War II was coming and I was afraid that if I had shares which rise in case of war, I would wish for war. So I asked my agent to buy shares which go down in the event of war. This he did. I lost my money and saved my soul. -- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi %% When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" %% When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- Raphael Aloysius Lafferty %% While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" %% While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and then. We're trying to catch her." "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you carrying two buckets of sand?" "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." %% While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets and food. All it will cost you is a little love." The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding an explanation. She told him the whole story. "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." %% Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #29" %% Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000." %% With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, "Okay. It's your wife." "My wife!!" "Yeah." "What about her?" Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." %% YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! %% Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin' out license plates that say "Live free or Die." %% You are on the edge of a breath-taking view. Far below you is an active volcano, from which great gouts of molten lava come surging out, cascading back down into the depths. The glowing rock fills the farthest reaches of the cavern with a blood-red glare, giving everything an eerie, macabre appearance. The air is filled with flickering sparks of ash and a heavy smell of brimstone. The walls are hot to the touch, and the thundering of the volcano drowns out all other sounds. Embedded in the jagged roof far overhead are myriad twisted formations composed of pure white alabaster, which scatter the murky light into sinister apparitions upon the walls. To one side is a deep gorge, filled with a bizarre chaos of tortured rock which seems to have been crafted by the Devil himself. An immense river of fire crashes out from the depths of the volcano, burns its way through the gorge, and plummets into a bottomless pit far off to your left. To the right, an immense geyser of blistering steam erupts continuously from a barren island in the center of a sulfurous lake, which bubbles ominously. The far right wall is aflame with an incandescence of its own, which lends an additional infernal splendor to the already hellish scene. A dark, foreboding passage exits to the south. -- Adventure %% You can imagine the excitement when a Martian spaceship landed in a sunny suburban field and proved to be filled with intelligent, amicable beings. Jane Pauley managed to be the first television personality on the scene, and the chief Martian agreed to an exclusive interview on the "Today" show the next morning. As the cameras started to roll, she told the Martian how curious people on Earth were about his people, so she thought she'd just ask him a few general questions. The Martian graciously said that was fine with him. "Tell me," said Pauley, nervously clearing her throat, "do all of your people have seven fingers and toes?" "Yes," said the Martian, waving his slender green appendages in the air. "And two heads? Everyone has those?" "Oh yes," said the Martian, nodding both enthusiastically. "And also those lovely diamonds and rubies embedded in their chests as you do?" asked Pauley. "Certainly not," snapped the Martian. "Only the Jews." %% You know, all of these rules that may be completely correct for normal people, make no sense for prodigies. To say that Bach should pay any attention to how he was socially adjusted is just a bad joke. -- Paul Erdos %% You see, this faggot walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't serve faggots, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come in and kick your ass?" The faggot whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo thurstay...." Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I am so damn thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" %% You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" "Uh-huh.", the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" "Uh-huh." "Did we, uh, fool around?" "Uh-huh." "Lord, I must have been tight!" "Not any more." %% You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. -- Sherlock Holmes %% You've heard the definition of a drug: any substance which, when injected into a laboratory animal, produces a publication. %% Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. -- Quote from a 1910 periodical %% Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette table, etc. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" %% [On randomly generated sentences.] I think that it is hard to read such material without amusement. I feel a little admiration as well. I would never write, 'It happened one frosty look of trees waving gracefully against the wall.' I almost wish I could. Poor poets endlessly rhyme love with dove, and they are constrained by their highly trained mediocrity never to write a good line. In some sense, a stochastic process can do better; it at least has a chance. -- J. R. Pierce, "Symbols, Signals, and Noise" %% ``After all, 13 years of being battered, pushed and otherwise tormented is a long, long time. On the other hand ... you can't expect me just to run away,'' he said. -- L.A. Police Chief Darryl Gates, as quoted in the UPI story, "L.A. police chief rejects suggestion of retirement", 7/9/91 %% oh no godzilla guns and planes cannot stop him tokyo is ablaze -- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6 %% on motives Summoned by loss and loneliness, the Muse comes to me now, spun from the thinnest air bearing a gift of poetry I'll use to exorcise the ghosts of doubt and care. In happier times she'll not so quickly sing her songs, and then I'll barren be of words laid out as beads upon a string my verse I find but when I sadness see. Now sorrow rules and I shall have my say thus between silence and eloquence I slide and use the verse to hold the dark at bay awaiting dawn, a turning of the tide. Perhaps one day I'll reach some joyful time, til then I'll patch my walls with fragile rhyme. %% page 46 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were on placebo." page 56 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human body functions. -- Norman Cousins [Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient] %%  %%  *END We're sorry, the cookie you have reached is not in service, please check the cookie and dial again, or ask the operator for assistance. In case you really WERE looking for the index, here it is: *END COOOFF.SRC Offensive Cookies COONOF.SRC New offensive cookies from Ben COOOCU.SRC Offensive Cookies from Columbia *END Sincerely, the mismanagement... %% __________________________________ I've got my Nomex underwear on, | ENTERING TAXACHUSETTS | an asbestos pad under my monitor | Prepare to surrender all your | and a fire extinguisher by my modem. | fireworks, firearms, ammunition, | | cash and other assets. Fasten | Send your flames to: _____ | seatbelts and put on helmet. | | 55 | | "We know what is best for you" | Tom Swenson | MPH | ---------------------------------- toms@shunix.dmc.com ----- || || CIS: 76114,2037 | | || || Fax: (508)869-3116 | | || || I can take the heat! ##################################################### %% -------------------------- / Gold Zorkmid \ / T e n T h o u s a n d \ / Z o r k m i d s \ / \ / |||||||||||||||||| \ / !|||| ||||! \ | ||| ^^ ^^ ||| | | ||| OO OO ||| | | In Frobs ||| << ||| We Trust | | || (______) || | | | | | | |__________| | \ / \ -- Lord Dimwit Flathead -- / \ -- Beloved of Zorkers -- / \ / \ * 722 G.U.E. * / \ / \ / ----------------------- %% JABBERWOCKY And, as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. "And thou hast slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" He chortled in his joy. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% T H I S IS A T E S T O F T H E E M E R G E N C Y B R O A D C A S T I N G S Y S T E M I F T H I S H A D B E E N A R E A L E M E R G E N C Y Y O U W O U L D H A V E B E E N I N S T R U C T E D T O P A N I C ! ! ! %% THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. %% ____________< /____________>_>_>_>_>_|/ / / / / / / This is a cockDIP, like a cockroach except made from a burned-out integrated circuit. Never let these get inside your lunchbox! %% ___ lim V 3 = 2 3->4 %% , . ___\\|/=/--/ \_=/--\-\// . . -| .|.||- \\__/()-_/ -_/ \ :\- -- Bleack! _|: | /_ . \___/-_/\ / | | || o /|>| || . . =| \__/ , %% A man, in 1937, as Stalin's terror was raging through Moscow, packed his bags every night before he went to sleep, in case he should have to escape. Finally, one night, sure enough. KNOCK! KNOCK! He gets up out of bed, kisses his wife, takes his bag and leaves. A few minutes late, he's back. Wife looks at him, "What happened?" "It's absolutely nothing," he replies. "Just the house on fire." %% A rabbit was out hopping one day when he came across a bottle, he nudged it a bit and the cork fell off. A genie floats out. "You get one wish for opening the bottle" (A cheap genii, must have been cutbacks that year.) The rabbit thought a bit and said "I've always enjoyed music." (A cultured rabbit.) "Could you make me a piano for a symphony?" So this become a case of "Hare today, grand tomorrow." %% XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X X X X \ / X X X V X X X O OX X X \___##X___/ X X ##X## X X ___#X###___ X X / X#### \ X X _X_###___ X X /X V \ X X X X XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX %% "Are you going to see him Samoa?" "Don't be Sicily, he's a Spain in the neck." %% "Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union. But is it possible to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland." "Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?" %% "I came to Berkeley," said Ray, "I saw Kathy and Karen, and I had lunch with them." "Oh, NO!" I cried with the sudden inspiration that wouldn't wait. "Veni, vidi, lunchi! I CAME, I SAW, I LUNCHED!!" %% "I don't mean to Russia, but Venic she leaving?" "Well, she said she wasn't going to Rumania here another day." %% "Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he's heard about AMERICA, and he dreams of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!" "Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans." %% "Why would we care about a U.F.O.?" said Louis Achitoff, a spokesman for the eastern region of the F.A.A., in an interview. "If the pilot's up there with a clearance and at the right altitude, we don't care what planet he comes from." %% "You know, we'll never have to worry about Ray Charles dying from anorexia; there's a physics principle stating that if he does suffer from some such disorder, he will eventually recover. Oh, come now! Surely you've heard of the Reversibility of Light Rays?" %% 'FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW, AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY' [**] First aired November 8, 1968. McCoy, suffering from a fatal disease, finds himself romantically entangled with the priestess governing a planetoid/ spaceship on a collision course with another planet. %% ( WARNING: If you're offended by words like "cock" and "pussy", don't read this joke. ) This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50." "Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously. "Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door." A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds." "Well, did you see mine?" she asks. "Baby," he says, "the auction was IN your pussy!" %% (2 = 0 +.= T o.| T) / T <- iN where `o' is the APL null character, the assignment arrow is a single character, and `i' represents the APL iota. %% +----------+ V | /\ | / \ | / \ | / Does \ yes | / this \------+ \ program/ \ halt?/ \ / \ / \/ |no V +-------+ | stop | +-------+ %% A Catholic and a non-Catholic were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the non-Catholic crossed himself in an accentuated manner. "Hey," said the Catholic, "I thought you were a non-Catholic, so how come you just crossed yourself?" "Just checking," replied the non-Catholic, crossing himself again, "spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." %% A couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Dov was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her. "Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!" %% A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. oyo the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!". Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer." %% A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" %% A man has some worries about his wife's virtue and fidelity. So, he gets himself a parrot and spends months teaching to parrot to talk so he can have the parrot spy on his wife. He sets the parrot up in their house and has him start watching the wife. The man comes home one day and asks the parrot if he saw anything. The parrot says "Yes, the milkman came to the front door". "Then what", asks the man. " Your wife invited him in", says the parrot. "What else??" "The milkman starts taking off his clothes" "Yeah Yeah, what else happened???" "Your wife took off her clothes" "Oh no, what else???!?" "They were naked and started kissing and hugging" "My God", cried the man "What happened next??" "I don't know", said the parrot "I got a hard on and fell off my perch". %% A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!" He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for revealing a state secret. %% A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office." %% A sailor was going on his first shore leave in 6 months and he was starved for female companionship. He decided that he would marry the first available woman that he saw. So, after leaving the ship and checking into a hotel, he headed for a nearby bar. Of course, the first woman he saw was old and ugly, but he asked her to marry him and she accepted. They went to the courthouse and were quickly married. He dragged her back to the hotel with him and rushed her into his room. He undressed and got into bed but she disappeared into the bathroom. He waited a minute then called to her. "Honey, I'm ready for you," he called. "Just a minute, I'm taking off my wig," she answered. He waited then called again. "Okay, just let me take out my teeth," she said this time. The sailor waited patiently then said, "I can't wait much longer. Hurry up." "Almost done, I just need to remove my wooden leg," she replied. The sailor lost his patience with this remark and yelled, "Well, I'm tired of waiting. You know what parts I want...just throw them out here!" %% A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?" "What type?" the woman asked. "Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on. "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney." "That's $250,000," the doctor replied. "Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs." "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied. %% A woman goes in to see her doctor. She says, 'Doctor, I have this terrible problem! Every time I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!' The doctor says, 'Don't worry. Just go home, rest with your feet up, and come back in a week.' She comes back a week later, very upset. 'Doctor, it's getting worse! Every time I go to the bathroom now, *quarters* come out!' The doctor says, 'Don't worry. Go home, rest with your feet up, and come back in a week.' Another week later, she returns, on the edge of hysteria. 'Doctor, it's terrible! Every time I go to the bathroom, SILVER DOLLARS come out!! What's wrong with me?!?!' The doctor says, 'Relax!! You're just going through your change!' %% An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother. "Get serious Doctor, I'm 80". "I know" said the Doctor, "this morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle". "I'll be damned" she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?" %% An American deaf person meets two German deaf persons, and the latter two aren't too friendly. The American asks why, and the first German indicates that he became deaf due to American bombing during the war. The second German indicates the same. The Germans then ask the American how he became deaf. The American answers, "German measles." %% An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American Foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well." %% An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." %% And then there was Pac-Bell's resident expert on fiber-optic communications. Sort of a specialist in light conversation. %% At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them." %% At a doctors' convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after the day's lectures were over. An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said, "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." An American doctor, not wanting to be outdone, said, "That's nothing. We can take an asshole out of Hollywood, put him in the White House, and have half the nation lookin for work the next day." %% At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's unhesitating retort. %% At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening ceremonies. He began as follows: "Oh...." "Ooooo...." "Oh...." "Ooo...." "Ooohh." until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was not a part of the speech to read. %% Because of one paragraph the bank took off of his property, it was clause and effects. %% COWBOY WALLY BEER "Real beer. Manly beer. Ripsnortin' pukearama. Dammit." -- The Cowboy Wally Show %% Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are you staring at, homo?" %% During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher said as he stood on the gallows. Its seems the poor fellow was approached by a well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz nuts.'" %% Eager to know the result of a physics exam he had taken, my brother asked his teacher, "How far am I from making an 'A' in this course?" Replied the instructor, "Do you want that in light years?" %% For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." %% Found on a company cafeteria door: I wished now that I had gone to the restaurant across the street where the food had at least the merit of being tasteless. %% Fred walks into a psychiatrists office one day and says to the psychiatrist, "Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam." To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two tents." %% God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" %% He had a lot of trouble in geometry, he thought the thing opposite the right angle in a right-angled triangle was a hippopotamus. %% I once had a friend named Joe Gordon. He was a miner who worked down in southeast Ohio in the coal mines. One fine Monday morning in the spring, Joe was shaving and listening to the radio when the disk jockey said, "... and we hope you all remembered that Daylight Savings time started over the weekend. Otherwise, you're an hour late!" "Oh no!" Joe thought to himself. "I'm going to be late for work!!" So Joe hopped in his car and drove off to work. Now, it just so happens that in the area where Joe lived, the roads were very narrow, and little more than ruts in the ground. It was impossible to pass anyone on these roads. Therefore, you can understand how upset Joe got when he rounded a hill and saw in front of him a little old lady driving 3 miles per hour!! After about five minutes of this, Joe got really ticked. He was thinking of someway to get rid of this lady, when he saw an emergency telephone off to the side of the road. So what does he do? He hops out of his car, runs over to the phone booth, and calls the cops, who come and arrest the little old lady!! Do you know what the charges were??? Simple: Contributing to the delinquency of a miner !!! %% I've decided to try my hand at art. My first painting will be an outdoor portrait: a great field, in the middle of which stands a lone gong. A stylized characterization of the West Wind will be blowing softly over the gong. I will call it: "Gong With the Wind." %% In filling out a job application, he put as his school, Vietnam, Clash of 1973. %% It seems that there was this American who was visiting up in the northern part of Canada and decided that he wanted to become an Eskimo. So, one night while hanging out at the area bar, he met some Eskimos and told them of his desire. "So, you want to be an Eskimo, huh? Well, there are three s steps you must complete before you can truly be an Eskimo," said the first Eskimo. "Yes," said the second Eskimo, "first you must drink an entire bottle of Yukon Jack by yourself, then you must kill a polar bear, and lastly, you must make love to an Eskimo woman. "That's easy enough," said the American. "Let's get to it!" So, they sat and watched the American drink himself silly on a whole bottle of Yukon Jack. Soon, he could barely walk or talk and he got up and stumbled out of the bar mumbling, "polar bear, polar bear." The 2 Eskimos laughed thinking that he would never make it home. About 4 hours later, the American showed up at the bar. He was head to toe bruises, scrapes and cuts. The 2 Eskimos were nothing but astounded. Then, the American asked, "Now where's that Eskimo bitch I gotta kill?" %% Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio that some Soviet musician had defected in New York. The NEXT DAY, somebody said, "You know what a Soviet trio is? -- A Soviet quartet returning from New York." %% On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on his front porch. A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted, "What is the problem? Can't get it started?" %% On the morning of my son's wedding, he noticed that one of the tires on his car was flat. He went to a nearby garage to have the tire changed, and while the attendant was working, my son nervously exclaimed, "I'm getting married this afternoon." The attendant looked at him, shook his head and said, "Gee, today really isn't your day, is it?" %% One afternoon The Sea rolled into the office of Alfred Werner, clinical psychologist. The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old friend in ages. "Well, well! Long time no sea! How are you doing?" "Swell," replied the Sea saltily. "Then what, Pacifically, is the problem?" "Well," the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just going in and out every day, in and out, in and out, in and--" "I understand," Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit to be tide." %% One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. "Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?" "Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea." %% One is reminded of the society for the preservation of sea otters whose motto was "Do unto otters as you would have otters do unto you." %% One morning Jim Donini strolled over to my camp site located by the generator. He brought news of a recent arrival I had to meet. John Long was his name and climbing was his game. John was brash and outspoken with a precocious appetite for the most difficult routes-- of which he had a familiar list. Produced by Peter Haan, this catalog recorded only hard Yosemite routes done in the past two years. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% Recently, Munich, Germany was having a severe problem with there dog population. It was skyrocketing beyond belief. In a matter of a couple of weeks, the population doubled and then even tripled. They had to put together a special emergency committee to solve the problem. But, the dogs continued to multiply. The dogs started to infest Munich's neighboring city's. One day, the committee got a call from a nearby mill. The man was frantic. "Please, you've got to send help! The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich!" %% Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. %% Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck." %% Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my dick." %% Sir Winston carried on a life-long feud with Labour Party leader Aneurin Bevan and, on one occasion, while Mr. Bevan was delivering as unusually long speech to the House of Commons, Churchill slumped into his seat and appeared to doze off. When Bevan noticed this, he inquired in his loudest voice, "Must the right honorable gentleman fall asleep during my speech?" Receiving no reply, Mr. Bevan continued until, a few minutes later, the sound of snoring was distinctly audible to all present. This time Mr. Bevan slammed his hand on the rail and fairly shouted, "Until now, the Conservative Party had usually managed to conceal the fact that it was asleep." Without even opening his eyes, Churchill quiped, "Flake off, touch-hole" and unconcernedly resumed his nap. %% Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% Some Christmas Cheer??? Ever hear of Glogg? It's a scandinavian holiday drink. Here's how it is made: Needed: fifth of dry Red Wine fifth of Aquavit (I used Vodka to good effect) 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 10 cardammon seeds 1 cup raisins 4 dried figs 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds a few pieces of dried orange peel 5 cloves 1/2 lb. sugar cubes Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. Enjoy. N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish extraction. %% Some go up, some go down Some go thirsty, some just drown "That's the law 'round here" Said the King of Sunset Town -- Mark Dadgar, NeXT SysAdmin, mdadgar@wma.com %% THE PHILOSOPHER'S SONG -- by The Bruces Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable; Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could drink you under the table David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel; And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya' 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed... John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away, Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram; And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am." Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed, A lovely little thinker, But a bugger when he's pissed. -- Monty Python %% THE REAL ANSWER: Marijuana is still illegal because enough people have not yet stood up together and said: `` THIS IS STUPID!! I WANT CANNABIS HEMP LEGAL!!! FOR PRODUCTS; FOR MEDICINE; FOR FOOD; FOR FUN; FOR GOODNESS'S SAKE! ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT ? '' -- Richard William Jones, rj3@oak2.doc.ic.ac.uk %% The form ruler Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines. %% There it was. It was small, plastic, round, looking for all the world like a cap, or a plug, to some inconceivably important machine. They all stood around it, staring, wondering, thinking about where it came from. Nobody knew. Experts were called in. They, too, were baffled. Days passed. Then someone new arrived. He took one look at it and was astounded. The mere sight of it surprised him to no end. People started to think that he knew what it was. Finally they asked him. "Do you know what it is?" they asked him. "No," he said, "but I have one at home just like it." %% There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen and one day had decided to make a stop in to the deli for some liver. Well he went in and ordered the liver. And while the clerk was weighing out the liver the boss(who was known to be real cheap-skate) whispered to the clerk, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver." %% There was once a pastor who happened to be a golf fanatic. One particular Sunday morning, he decided that it was so golf-perfect outside that he called in sick and took off to the golf course. This did not go unnoticed by the angel Gabriel and he promptly notified St. Peter of the transgression. St. Peter agreed that this was indeed a serious offense and that it must be punished. The pastor came to a short par 3, and promptly hit a hole-in-one. Gabriel asked St. Peter- "I thought you were going to punish him!! Instead, you granted him a hole-in-one, his life's dream!!" "Ahhh," replied St. Peter, "but who is he going to be able to tell??" %% There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling toothbrushes. His boss, wondering at this unlikely success, sent a man out to follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side a bag of potato chips and a small bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them the following pitch. "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for ------- brand of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream in utter disgust. "This tastes like shit!" The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a toothbrush?" %% There was once a young man who was very fond of illicit vegetable matter that is commonly smoked to get high. Anyway, one day, while he was cleaning his stash of extremely potent stuff ( high oil content) he was called to the phone. His friend, who had already consumed a great portion of the matter thought he would help out in the cleaning. Unfortunately, he was new to the game so he tried to separate the stems and seeds by cleaning the pot with a soap solution. Needless to say, when the hero of our story returned from the phone he was extremely upset, to say the least. However, he didn't have time to cry since the phone call informed him that his wife's car had broken down and he had to go out to help her fix it. He scooped up the messy bag of soapy resinous cannabis and drove out to the broken down car. When he arrived he immediately realized that the car had run out of oil. Unfortunately, he didn't have any oil, but he did have the bag of greasy marijuana. He put the wet pot into the cars engine and started up the car. It ran fine until it exploded a quarter mile down the road. There is a moral. You know what it is? - A washed pot never oils. %% There was this class you see, and they had been studying Rotterdam in the Netherlands. They were just about to wrap up this section of their study. The teacher wanted to make sure that the students knew their material. "Billy, use the word Rotterdam in a sentence." Billy replies, "We have been studying Rotterdam this week in class, and I hope to visit there one day. "Good work Billy!" says the teacher. She continues "Nancy, I want you to use the word Rotterdam in a sentence. Nancy replies,"Rotterdam is a seaport in southwest Netherlands in the Rhine delta." "Very, very good," the teacher says, "I am very impressed!" She then calls on the class cut-up. "O.K. Brian, here is your chance to show the class what you can do. Use the word Rotterdam in a sentence. Brian stands up and says "My sister went into the refrigerator, took my apple and ate it and I hope it Rotterdam teeth! %% There were three men sitting on a beach gawking at females. A somewhat attractive brunette walks by. The fist guy says, "I give her a 6"; the second says, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "I give her a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. An even better looking woman, this time a blonde, walks by. The first man says, "She gets an 8"; the second says, "She is an 8+"; and the third says, "She is a 3". Again the other two wonder about him. This time an absolutely perfect-looking redhead strolls by. The first man says excitedly, "She is a TEN!!"; the second says, "She gets an 11 !!", and the third says "She is a six". The first two guys finally ask him, "WHAT is your problem--that redhead has it all!! She has a perfect body and you give her a SIX!!" Man Budweiser scale" The other two ask, "What the hell is that??" "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face." %% This man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings him his glass and starts to turn when all of a sudden a small man, about a foot tall jumps onto the table and kicks the drink all over the man! The bartender jumps in surprise and says, "Oh, my god! What was that?" To which the patron replies, "He's with me.", and orders another drink. The same sequence of events is repeated again while the bartender watches in dumbfoundment. Then the little man runs off to do other mischievous things to other people in the bar. The bartender then asks the man, "Where did you meet this fellow?" "Well, I was in an antique shop and I bought an old lamp and when I got home I started polishing it up and POOF!, out came this genie." He said that I could have 1 wish and then he would disappear forever. "Yes, yes.", said the bartender anxiously, "What did you wish for?" "Well", said the man, "I wished for a 12 inch prick!!!" %% Two farmers were talking about an upcoming election. The first farmer said "Say, your six boys all grew up to be good Democrats didn't they?". The second farmer replied "All except Jake, he learned to read" %% Weyland-Yutani \ /\ / \ / \ / \/ \/ Building Better Worlds %% When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and your play can go fuck yourselves." %% While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a whimsical smile, "They're assholes." %% _ _ / \ o / \ | | o o o | | | | _ o o o o | \_| | / \ o o o \__ | | | o o | | | | ______ | |__/ | / ___--\\ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ | | / / \\ \\ )) \ ( " ) | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ //--------------------------------------------------------------\\ Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" %% "What?" you cry. "Wizards sometimes must endure torture?" And it is true, for being a wizard does not exempt you from any of the trials and tribulations experienced by other humans. But I would ask you to consider just what you mean by "torture." What of those occasions when you save a kingdom and then are forced to sit there and listen for hours to endless numbers of boring elected officials extolling your praises while the kingdom's tax collectors repossess nine-tenths of what you gainfully earned at your task? Is this not torture? What about the times when you are on the verge of creating a spell that will give you inner peace at last and your spouse bursts into your study and tells you to clean up the mess because all of your in-laws are coming to stay for three weeks, and we will have to set up a bed in here because Aunt Sadie needs a place to sleep? Is this not torture? And say you are attending a wizard's convention and are sure that your gold production spell will win first prize in the competition, and then they give the award to the animal husbandry spell of some part-time wizard because the judge has a particular fondness for pigs? Is this not -- but why belabor the obvious? By now you surely see my point. Laugh in the face of torture! It is, after all, no worse than what they do to you every other day of the week. -- Ask Ebenezum: The Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms Answers the Four Hundred Most Asked Questions about Wizardry, fourth edition %% "Why don't you conjure a legendary city, full of magic spells and mystic beasts, out of thin air?" the uninformed client asks. "Well, where would you put it?" the wise wizard replies. "Have you seen the price of real estate?" -- Ebenezum The Wizard's Handy Guide To Better Wizard/Client Relationships, fourth edition %% 'Never trust another sorcerer' is a saying unfortunately all too common among magical practitioners. Actually, there are many instances where one can easily trust a fellow magician, such as cases where no money is involved, or when the other mage is operating at such a distance that his spells can't possibly affect you. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XIV %% (father figure his remains just a face in my memory) heavy-lidded somber-visage familiar but not its bags-under-the-eyes stillness a cosmetic mock-up lips-of-grey aimed sky-ward (the sneer is gone) his remains just a hand in my memory) cold folded-knuckles across a chest gone-granite plaster-of-paris prayer-hands chipped-nails and workaday-callouses ever-ready stabbing-finger (the dirt is gone) his remains just a voice in my memory) drill-sergeant volume set too-low drunken-bellow un-heard vocal-blades practice-sharp now sheathed scornful words force-removed a verbal tattoo-gone-bad (the rasp is gone) his remains just a casket in my memory) bronze-handles glint smiling sun-ward dirt-walls crumble and are vanguard as closing-mahogany-lid sends him fate-wise taxi-ed down-ward free and home-at-last (the pleasure is mine) -- (C) 1987 Stan Zachery Zukowski %% A man was walking through the park with his 3 year old son and they saw two dogs mating. The boy asked his dad, " Daddy, what're those dogs doing?" And dad, not wanting to lie to his son but also not wanting to be to graphic, said, " Well, son... They're ....um.... they're making puppies.". " Aw that's nice", replied his son. Dad was very relieved that his son would accept that and drop the subject. Now later that night, the boy walked into Mom and Dad's room and caught them going at it. " Hey Daddy, what're you and Mom doing?" "Um...Er... Well Son, we're making you a little brother." " Aww, flip her over Dad, I want a puppy!" %% A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat towering huge above them and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them purposefully and declared: "You see how useful it is to know a second language?" %% A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." %% A truck driver was driving down the road one day and sees a hippie hitch-hiking. The truck driver picks him up and the two continue down the road. The guys hair is really long but the trucker decides not to say anything. After about 15 or 20 minutes of total silence, the hippie says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?' responded the truck driver. 'Aren't you going to ask me whether I'm a man or a woman?' asked the hitch-hiker. 'Doesn't matter,' replied the trucker, 'I'm gonna fuck you anyway.' %% A wizard is only as good as his spells," people will often say. It is telling however, that this statement is only made by people who have never been wizards themselves. Those of us who have chosen to pursue a sorcerous career know that a knowledge of spells is only one small facet of the successful magician. Equally vital are a quick wit, a soothing tongue, and, perhaps most important, a thorough knowledge of back alleys, underground passageways, and particularly dense patches of forest, for those times when the spell you knew so well doesn't quite work after all. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I %% A wizard must always know how to use words. Practice smiling as you recite the following simple exercise. First: "The spell has not worked. It is best that you get out of your house before it explodes." Second: "The spell has not worked, It is best I get out of here before you explode." And third: "The spell has not worked. Will you please pay me the rest of my retainer before your money explodes with you?" Delivering lines like these with conviction is the sign of a professional sorcerer. -- The Wizard Finals: A Study Guide (Third Edition) Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms %% A wizard must do his best not to judge any person or thing on their first appearance. Many a human or other intelligent creature will have hidden depths to their personalities which you will only discover as you get to know them and work with them; and hidden cash reserves, which you can bill them for regularly as this aforementioned knowledge process takes place. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVI %% A wizard's reputation is his bond, or so the sages say. And, as all learned men know, a reputation is difficult to build, and all too easily besmirched. The wizard with a fallen reputation is often led to less savory forms of employ, and, while these sometimes pay better than whatever the wizard was doing before, they are not the sort of thing one writes home to Mother about. The successful wizard, therefore, should develop three or four reputations simultaneously, and then, happily, will have one for every occasion. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XIII %% After dispatching the rest of the pitch, I prepared to belay the lad. He started with robust ease, using his face climbing skills on the large edges that garnished one side of the crack. But the edges vanished at the bolt and the climb became more typical of Yosemite; in a word-- smooth. John attacked the crack with force. His muscles bulged and his veins popped. He neared the polished six- inch-wide vertical crux section with little left but courage. Lactic acid crescendoed as panic replaced what little technique he had. He tried to slump onto the rope for a cheater's rest but I was having none of it and paid out slack in kind. If he made it up, I wanted him to know he had done it on his own. His face flushed with effort, his once powerful arms quivered, but his heart wouldn't quit until the synapse collapsed. Just then I took pity and divulged the secret rest hold he hadn't seen behind his back. John's hand shot to it like a chameleon's tongue. Saved! Air flooded into his lungs in great vacuum-cleaner rushes. After a short rest he swam his way to the top and my congratulations. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% And what do you do if you come upon a dark cave? Then the knowledgeable wizard would say: "Into darkness, let there be light." And the truly knowledgeable wizard would add: "Let there also be cheese, bread, fresh vegetables, plenteous members of the opposite sex, and enough mead to make it a thoroughly enjoyable weekend!" -- Thirty Days to Better Wizardry, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms, fourth edition %% And what is the professional wizard's greatest reward for completing a particularly arduous and dangerous task? Is it the accolades of a grateful populace? Is it huge amounts of gold and silver tossed about his feet? Is it the complementary vacation in the pleasure gardens of Vushta, or his official removal from the tax rolls? Although all of these other factors are important for the wizard to feel truly honored, they pale before the professional wizard's basic and oh-so-necessary demand: The stipulation that he never has to repeat that particularly arduous and dangerous task, or one even remotely like it, for as long as he shall live. Truly professional wizards, after all, must set priorities. -- How to Hire a Wizard and Still Profit From the Upcoming Netherhells Crisis, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms (book still in progress) %% At the base, John announced his desire to lead the first pitch, a chimney of confining dimensions. I thought, Good enough--it would be hard to fall out due to John's already sturdy stature. Off he charged like bull at the cape. With a display of power, if not grace, he soon found himself at the belay. I followed using the practiced technique of a Yosemite regular, and quickly arrived at his side. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% Beginnings and endings are, for the most part, artificial constructs. You say you begin when you are born, but what of those months spent growing in the womb? Endings are hazier still, for further things may occur that extend and enlarge the earlier story. And that is my final sentence on the subject. Or perhaps this one is the final sentence. No, most assuredly what I write now is the final word on the matter. But now that I think upon it, perhaps this-- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVII (Abridged) %% Being trapped in the Netherhells is not the most fearsome thing that can happen to you. It is, in fact, probably no worse than being trapped in a cave for a weekend with all your spouse's relatives, and, in most cases, will not lead to total drooling gibbering madness, as is the popular misconception. If, on the other hand, you find yourself trapped in the Netherhells for a weekend with all your spouse's relatives, well, sometimes drooling and gibbering can be fun. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXIII %% Casual amusement can be one of a wizard's greatest problems. After all, when one can conjure virtually anything, what can one do to 'get away from it all?' Different wizards arrive at different solutions for their entertainment. A sorcerer of my acquaintance decided to increase his physical prowess through a vigorous program of exercise but found that his new muscles were wont to rip through his robes midconjure. Another mage decided to develop the interplay between tongue and teeth so that he could exactly reproduce any insect noise imaginable. He became so successful at this that they discovered his corpse one midsummer's eve, suffocated by six thousand three hundred and two amorous katydids. And the wizard who tried to start personal communications between humans and sheep... well, the less said the better. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XLIV %% Contrary to rumor, working side by side with a group of fellow wizards is not the most unpleasant task in which a magician might participate. In fact, I can think of numerous other experiences, such as breaking both arms and legs while being pursued by a ravenous demon, which, under certain conditions, could conceivably be even worse. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXII %% Ebenezum: There are a number of ways of dealing with extreme stress. For example, when all about you is going wrong and it looks as if you might not survive your current circumstances, it is often helpful to think of a pleasant thought. Interviewer: Do you mean, for example, how good it will feel to strangle, pummel, and utterly destroy my enemy? Ebenezum: Well, no, you do not quite have the spirit of it. Think rather of a flower, or rather, a group of flowers. Picture bright yellow daisies, or stately red roses, full and fragrant. And now that you have this thought in your mind, think how lovely those flowers will look on the grave of your enemy once he has been strangled, pummeled, and utterly destroyed. It is only in this way that the besieged wizard may find inner peace. -- Conversations With Ebenezum; A Series of Dialogues With the Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms, fourth edition %% Even for a wizard there will often come times when someone close to you, perhaps even your spouse, criticizes your habits by comparing them to those of animals. This is distinctly unfair to the animals, who have far better habits than we in many areas. When, for example, have you seen a frog collecting taxes or a squirrel running for electoral office? Present arguments like these to those people who criticize you. If they still do not see the wisdom of your ways, you may then feel free to bite them. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX %% Every sorcerer should explore as much of the world as he can, for travel is enlightening. There are certain circumstances, such as a major spell gone awry, or an influential customer enraged at the size of your fee, where travel becomes more enlightening still. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. V %% Favorite Tabloid Headlines: * Baby born with winning lotto ticket * Princess Di to become an American * Elvis' face appears in Maytag window during rinse cycle * Bigfoot ate my twins * Jane Wyman: "Life with Ron prepared me for 'Falcon Crest' role" * Why Mr. T. sleeps with a night-light * Exclusive: Why Pulitzer panel shuns tabloids -- Extracted from a rec.humor article %% For T. M., wherever I may find her Never had I felt so good, and never have I felt so bad. Words passed, tales told, secrets exposed at long last to a kindred soul. Words past, slipped away into the jagged edges of my memory. I strain to recall what happened, why everything fell to pieces, but I cannot find you. Where have you gone? Where were you all those days and nights? The shell one uses is just a tool. Seth I. Rich Math/Philosophy, Case Western Reserve University Rabbits on walls, no problem. %% Heaven is: an American salary, an English house, a Chinese cook, and a Japanese wife. Hell is: a Chinese salary, a Japanese house, an English cook, and an American wife. -- Peter Kegelman %% Heroics can be costly and involve some degree of personal danger for the participating wizard. But for the truly resourceful magician, this does not have to be! Consider the advantages of long-distance magic, by which you may gain all the publicity value and save all the expense. But, you say, don't heroes have to be present at the battle? For the properly prepared mage, nothing could be more heroic than a well-timed combination of printed handbills, subtly placed rumor, and perhaps a brief personal appearance tour. Still expensive? Nonsense! Do you know how much a heroic wizard can charge for personal appearances? -- Ebenezum The Wizard's Handy Pocket Guide To Everyday Wizardry %% In a world that was totally objective and fair, size should make no difference in the worth of any individual or creature. But, then again, wizards should not have to work for a living, either. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIX %% In accepting an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame a few years ago, General David Sarnoff [head of RCA] made this statement: "We are too prone to make technological instruments the scapegoats for the sins of those who wield them. The products of modern science are not in themselves good or bad; it is the way they are used that determines their value." That is the voice of the current somnambulism. Suppose we were to say, "Apple pie is in itself neither good nor bad; it is the way it is used that determines its value." ... There is nothing in the Sarnoff statement that will bear scrutiny, for it ignores the nature of the medium, of any and all media, in the true Narcissus style of one hypnotized by the amputation and extension of his own being in a new technical form. ... It has never occurred to General Sarnoff that any technology could do anything but _add_ itself on to what we already are. -- Marshall McLuhan, "Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man" (1964) %% In magic, as in all true professions, there are rules by which you must play. At least, you must play by them until such time as you can get away with something else. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I (Preface) %% It is a mistake to think of all demons as being exactly alike. Some are short while others are tall; some are yellow, others are blue; some are nasty and others are extremely nasty. Some of the nastiest are quite fast as well. Should you encounter one of these, it is a mistake to think at all. Much more appropriate are such responses as running, screaming, and the very rapid formation of a last will and testament. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IX %% It is of tremendous importance, when a wizard enters a battle, that he should have prepared sufficient spells beforehand to meet anything that he might face during the coming fight. It is even more important that the wizard act bravely during the course of the fight, so that he might do credit to the names of wizards everywhere. And what happens should the magician's army lose the fray? Of the greatest importance of all, therefore, is the wizard's insistence that, before the battle, he be paid in full. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. III %% It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. Yep, she has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. Thats, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis %% John was outspoken, to say the least but only because he could usually back up his words with action. He started using the pure brute strength of his powerful arms, his feet flailing for purchase. Through the echo chamber of the flake, I could hear his locomotive breathing, amplified. Once again he was desperate, but his great heart and the desire of his ego kept him afloat. He'd thrashed and struggled to the crux, but now hadn't a clue. His life signs ebbed as I shouted down instructions which he followed to the letter. A hand flashed to the finned edge of the flake and his head and torso popped into view, gasping for air. A few power pulls and he'd done it. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% Magic weapons can, on occasion, be of great use, yet one more part of the truly rounded wizard's arsenal of tricks, spells, and remarks for all occasions. However, the thoroughly prepared mage will find certain spells of even more importance than these, especially those enchantments which produce magic wings, magic carpets, and magic running boots, for those times when the rest of you arsenal fails you completely. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LVII %% Magicians must exercise caution in all things. Each of you has heard the story of the mage who perfected the gold producing spell, only to be crushed by his newfound wealth. Less well known is the story of the sorcerer who turned everyone he didn't like into a toad, until the day he exercised the spell on an entire unfriendly village and was found the next morning hopped to death. Then, of course, there is the extremely unpleasant story of the wizard who doubled as a gentleman farmer, and his perfection of a manure abundance spell. Whether this latter mage is still alive or not is open to debate, for no one has ever had the wherewithal to visit the scene of his accident to find out. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XII %% Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears. "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci." %% Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. -- paraphrased from Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -- he used baseball instead %% Nothing is quite so unexpected as the truth. If, for example, you find your spells inadequate to defeat the local dragon, immediately go to your employers and apologize profusely. They should be so taken aback by your show of humility that you will have plenty of time to hastily vacate the area, allowing the dragon to eat your employers rather than you, and thus halt any ugly rumors they might have spread about your competence. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXIII %% One day a man comes home from work and sees his newlywed wife sliding down the banister. When she got to the bottom, she climbed the stairs and slid down again. Somewhat confused, the husband asks his bride, 'honey, what in the world are you doing?' 'Oh,' replies the woman, 'I'm just warming up your dinner.' %% Perhaps I have given you the wrong impression. A wizard's life is not all fame, fortune and frivolity. There must be periods of rest as well, when a wizard should find a safe retreat where he can seclude himself from sorcery and restore his health and vitality in the proper ascetic atmosphere. While lengthy retreats can deplete a wizard's fortunes, I have always preferred the ascetic atmosphere present in the pleasure gardens of Vushta, where a dozen handmaidens can attend to your every need. And the budget-conscious sorcerer should be sure to ask about their special mid-week retreat package plans. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XCV (Special annual supplement) %% Q: And how do professional wizards cope with stress? A: Stress? The real wizard doesn't even recognize the meaning of the word. Why are you still asking me questions? Can't you see I'm busy? This spell is two days overdue! You're sitting on my reference books! -- "A Conversation with Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms," Wizard's Quarterly, Vol. 4, No. 4 (Spring) %% Real World, The (n.) 1: The place generally used when referring to non-programming activities. 2: Where a computer science student goes after graduation; used pejoratively ("poor slob, he got his degree and had to go out into THE REAL WORLD"). Among programmers, discussing someone in residence there is not unlike talking about a deceased person. -- THE HACKER'S DICTIONARY %% Reasoned decision is important, and there comes a time in every wizard's life when he must decide what goal he should pursue to give true meaning to his life. Should it be money, or travel, or fame? And what of leisure and the love of women? I myself have studied many of these goals for a number of years, examining their every facet in some detail, so that, when the time comes to make that fateful decision of which I spoke, it will be reasoned in the extreme. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXI %% Regarding the nationalization of industry or private property: "Of what importance is all that, if I range men firmly within a discipline they cannot escape? Let them own land or factories as much as they please. The decisive factor is that the State, through the Party, is supreme over them regardless of whether they are owners or workers. All that is unessential; our socialism goes far deeper. It establishes a relationship of the individual to the State, the national community. Why need we trouble to socialize banks and factories? We socialize human beings." -- Adolf Hitler to Herman Rauschning, pre-WWII "Why Does Socialism Continue to Appeal to Anyone?", Robert Hessen %% Religion is a personal matter, and those of us in the sorcerous profession would do well to steer clear of it. Still, you will find some situations, say a spell accidentally demolishing someone's holy temple, where you will be given the choice of (1) conversion to their belief, or (2) being sacrificed to their deity. It is only at times like this when one realizes the true depth and beauty of religions, at least until one can find some way out of town. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXI %% Reunions can be a wonderful thing, especially when neither of the reunited parties manage to recall what separated them in the first place. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Wizard's Digest Condensed edition %% So you think you know great, nail-biting excitement, you think you know truly abject fear, you think you know total and complete despair, you think you know the incredibly degenerate underside of this world we live in, and the ridiculously despicable lengths that your fellow man can sink to, more rotten, more putrid than the lowest form of fungus... Oh. You are a sorcerer as well. Then perhaps you do. -- Further Conversations with Ebenezum, Vol. III %% Some mages balk at performing spells during an ocean voyage, preferring instead to dabble in sorcery in tiny rooms, precariously perched atop the aerie towers that this sort of magician always seems to favor. The logic of this preference has always eluded me. After all, should something go amiss with either your spell or your relationship with your employer, just think how much easier it is to swim than it is to fly. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXVIII %% Some people think of wizards as nothing more than men in pointy hats who like to go around turning people into toads. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Perhaps wizards should come together and agree on a saying or two to better humanize their profession; for instance, "Wizards are wonderful!" or "Take a wizard to lunch!" Yet I doubt this will ever occur, for wizards are by and large a solitary breed. Still, this should not stop you from trying to understand my procession. If you should offer, for example, to take a wizard to lunch, I imagine he would go gladly. And if you were to tell a wizard he wasn't wonderful, I'm sure he would be quite happy to turn you into a toad. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I %% That evening at camp a friend, Phil Gleason, stopped by and suggested that I have a try at a new route he'd been working on. Fed up with it himself, he offered me the route. As we talked, I could see the keen interest in John's eyes, so suggested that he might come along with Mark Klemens, my usual partner, and me--if he wanted. Without hesitation he grabbed at the chance. The next morning I was awakened by the drumming of John's pacing feet outside my tent. We threw some gear into a pack and walked to the coffee shop. We were too lazy to make something for ourselves, it was free because the waitress lusted for me as I did for her. After breakfast John still looked confused about the payment of the bill as we rode the shuttle bus toward the climb. The bus took us to the Ahwahnee Hotel, only a short walk from the route. Within a few minutes we stood at the base. As foretold, the flake arched above, leaning and overhanging. We drew stones and Klemens won the lead. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% The Last Word When I felt my head bow, I knew you had beaten me. I shed no tears - not near you - But held my neck bare For the blow I had been frightened Ever to accept, even in words. And now, in spite of it all, Plummeting it came. Frozen, we both waited For it's fall. Most of what you gave me I have taken into my heart And forgotten with my mind But this I remember well: The bones in my neck And the strain in your shoulders As you heaved up that huge Double blade and snapped your wrists To swing the handle down And hearing the axe's edge Nick through my flesh And creak into the block. -- Wes Peters, July 1982 %% The common folk have many sayings, all about it being darkest before the dawn and clouds with silver linings and suchlike. We in the magical trade like to express our opinions of these matters somewhat differently. A lifetime of experience will have taught the average sorcerer that no matter how hopeless the situation seems, no matter how painful and fraught with danger his options may be, no matter how close he may be to an indescribably hideous death and perhaps even eternal damnation, still, the good wizard knows, it can always get worse. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XLVI (General Introduction) %% The professional wizard, it is said, should always watch his hands. Actually, the truly professional wizard should watch a great many other things as well, including the reactions of his audience, the door or window that constitutes the nearest exit, and, perhaps most important, the constantly fluctuating interest rates on his retirement account in the First Bank of Vushta. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI %% The sages put great stock in saying that every ending is truly a beginning, or every beginning an ending, or insisting that there are no endings or beginnings, or remarking that there is nothing new, and we are doomed to endlessly repeat ourselves. Or have I said all this before? -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXXVII %% There are as many styles of magic as there are magicians. While much of magic is gaudy, noisy, and easily appreciated by the masses, it goes without saying that some of the finest sorcery is also the most subtle; small, delicate changes in the fabric of being that often can only be discerned by another wizard's practiced eye. Occasionally, even a wizard as learned as myself will experience a twinge of regret that I have not yet conquered some of the most delicate aspects of my art; that, for example, I have not learned the Eastern finger magic, where, by the turn of a knuckle, the mage may make the flowers sing. And perhaps some day my fingers might learn that art, on the day they become tired from constantly carrying about the large amounts of gold I receive for performing the more gaudy and noisy magic that pays so well. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VII %% There comes a time when a wizard must put his fate totally in the hands of another. This takes great courage, and great faith in the ability of others to perform some function that is beyond you. But there are benefits to this course of action as well. Should this task reach a successful conclusion, it will show you the worthiness of your fellow beings, and lead you to trust in the providence of the universe. And, of course, should the task not be successful, there is always someone else to blame. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXVII %% There comes a time when every wizard should retire, and pass the mantle of responsibility on to younger shoulders. It behooves us, then, to teach our successors well, so that the new wizard may do honor to our names, attract the very best of clients, and be well enough paid to support our retirement home in Vushta. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXI %% There is talk in some learned circles in our major cities about whether or not satyrs, centaurs, griffins and certain other fantastic beasts really exist, or are only the product of the popular imagination. As a wizard, I, of course, tend to side with the satyrs, centaurs and griffins, especially when these beasts begin to doubt the existence of any learned circles in our major cities. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXVI %% There is the truth, and there are lies, and there is nothing on Earth or in the Netherhells that does not fall under one of these two headings, with the exception of politics. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. LXXXVIII %% There once was this guy who was a dolphin lover. He loved dolphins so much he had a swimming pool installed in his backyard and had dolphins swimming in it. He loved his dolphins. The one thing he feared was about his dolphins dying on him, he wished they would live forever. He heard from a distant source that if he feed his his dolphins 'live seagulls' they would forever. So he attempted to steal some live seagulls to feed his dolphins. He went to to zoo and sneaked out with some live seagulls to bring home. When he got there he noticed a lion sitting on his front porch. But the lion was very meek and tame and it sat there like it was out of it. So very carefully the man tip toed and sneaked pass the lion and made it into his house with the sea gulls. The next day the man was arrested and charged with: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises!! %% There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily." The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" The vet replied "Pretty good." Dr: "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" Vet: "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." Dr: "Did you have any trouble?" Vet: "Well, there was just one little problem." Dr: "What was that?" Vet: "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!" %% These two pollacks were out hunting in the woods one day when one says to the other, 'I gotta shit really bad!' 'Well, go ahead,' says the other. 'I don't have nothin' to wipe with,' says the first. 'You got a handkerchief?' asks his friend. 'Yeah,' says the first pole, 'but what am I gonna use to blow my nose later on?' 'Well, do you have a dollar?' 'Yeah, I got a dollar.' 'Well,' the second continues, 'why don't you wipe with that?' 'Okay,' says the first and runs off into the forest. After about thirty minutes, the guy is starting to get worried about his friend. He is just about to start off after him when he sees him coming out of the brush. 'Where the hell have you been? It doesn't take thirty minutes to take a shit.' 'Yeah,' says the other, 'but do you know how long it takes to wipe with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?' %% Times Are Tough Times Are Hard Here is your Fucking Christmas Card %% What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible. (Presumably this event started on the day that she was feeling Happy...) %% When one first arrives in Vushta, one should beware of street sellers offering forbidden delights near the outskirts of town. These first delights are far more shoddy in nature than those to be had in the inner City, and can be actively unpleasant if you do not have an affinity for goats. -- Vushta on Twenty-Five Pieces of Gold a Day, by Ebenezum, Greatest Wizard in the Western Kingdoms, revised, updated fourth edition %% When there appears to be no hope; when all around you are screaming like lost souls and every spell you try fails to work; when it appears that chaos and evil will at last triumph over good -- then it is truly time for a vacation. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXXV %% When traveling, the sages say, one must always be prepared to accept local customs. Yet there are areas of this very kingdom where one might find it customary to tax a wizard into poverty; to insist a wizard should not be paid, for magic exists only for the common good; or even to tar and feather a wizard unsuccessful at his task. Contrary to the sages, when one is traveling in these areas, one should be prepared to avoid local customs altogether. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI %% With little hesitation I picked through the hardware and selected one nut (knowing the necessary size) and two carabiners, then started off. John looked bewildered, but said nothing, perhaps out of respect. I climbed up, clipped and moved past the bolt--purposely neglecting the rest spot. An interior crack on one side of the main fissure occasionally accepted the chosen nut. But then again, sometimes it didn't. This time it didn't and the nut slid uninhibited and unhindered down to the bolt. John's alarmed voice warned me of the mishap while I moved through the crux section. I replied casually that I was aware of the fallen protection and that it didn't matter. Actually, I had soloed the route several times and felt solid, but certainly didn't want to let on to John and thus ruin the effect of my cool composure. -- Jim Bridwell, "Largo's Apprenticeship" 1970 %% Wizards are constantly subject to negative publicity. A case in point. One elderly wizard of my acquaintance, whenever he was bothered by unexpected guests, would immediately cast one of three spells upon them, either turning them to stone, transforming them into segmented worms, or blasting them entirely out of the kingdom. Now, some wrong-headed do-gooders, hearing about the aged mage's predilections, formed an angry torch-bearing mob, forcing the now wronged wizard to flee to a distant kingdom altogether. How much better it would have been if the aged wizard had thought to inform the populace of the true benefits of the spells he used on those who came to bother him! For example, those people who have experienced it will tell you that nothing is more restful than being turned to stone, while transformation into a worm brings you closer to the earth. As to being totally blasted from the wizard's domain, I challenge you: Can you think of any other way you can travel such a great distance for free? -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XVI %% Wizards encounter periods of crisis from time to time. It comes with the job, right along with the robes and the pointy hat. Now, some wizards thrive on crisis, and there is quite a bit of gold to be made, should the wizard survive, by thrusting oneself into the thick of things. The more experienced mage, however, makes ample use of soothsaying spells, so that he may collect the monies, reassure the populace, and still have time to leave the area before the thick of things arrives. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. IV %% Wizards should not go seeking revenge, killing, or death in general. After all, revenge, killing, and death in general have a way of showing up whether you are looking for them or not. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. I %% Wizards, like all mortals, need their rest. Casting spells, righting wrongs, and putting a little away for your old age can all be draining occupations. The true wizard must therefore always insist on a good night's sleep, and a few days' respite between tasks. After some particularly grueling work, a couple of weeks in the country are not out of line. In the aftermath of truly major assignments, of course, nothing less than a seaside vacation will do. And what of those situations in which a wizard's work affects the very world around him, perhaps the fabric of the cosmos itself? Well, be advised that prime accommodations in Vushta must be reserved at least two months in advance. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. XXIII %% You see, there were these two old men who loved baseball. They loved to go to games, watch games, listen to games on the radio, and talk baseball. However, they both knew they were reaching the end of their lives and thus decided to make a pact with each other. Whichever of the two was to die first, he would try to come back in some way and let the other know if there was baseball in heaven. Well, as the story goes, one of the men soon took sick and passed away, leaving his friend alone. But not more than a week had passed since the funeral when a ghost appeared to the old man as he was watching the Red Sox-Yankees game. (Ed.-Death=Red Sox) He looked closely and realized that it was indeed the ghost of his old friend. He had been able to come back! "You've made it back!" said the old man. "Yes, but I've got good news and bad news," said the ghost. "Tell me, my friend, is there baseball in heaven?" said the old man. "Well, yes, there is, that's the good news." "Wonderful! Now, what's the bad news?" "The bad news is...You're pitching tomorrow." %% Your average ghost is a much more complex and interesting individual than is generally imagined. Just because someone is dragging chains or has one's head perpetually in flames does not necessarily make them of a lesser class. Some ghosts, especially those with heads attached and mouths to speak through, are actually quite good conversationalists, with other-worldly stories by the score. In addition, ghosts generally subscribe to the happy custom of disappearing completely at dawn, a habit many living associates and relatives might do well to cultivate. -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Vol. VI (Appendix B) %% o o \___XXX___/ XXXXX __XXXXX__ / XXX \ V %% poetry the child sits on the rug rubbing mother's makeup on the white wall fingerstreak lightning bolts shoot in random colors and directions, she sits admiring her first work mascara comets streak before her eyes lipstick teddy bears dance down the hall wonders of the universe in eye shadow and blush dazed, she absorbs her impressionist world savoring it today before the adults remind her it's just a stain i'll never grow u_up, not me jc %% "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?" I asked Colletti as he showed us these scratches on his chest. "No, those are on my back," Colletti answered. "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me. I told her to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have a mind of their own." -- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O. C. and Stiggs National Lampoon, October 1982 %% "Before I begin, I'd like to recite the Lawyer's Prayer: Lord, please let there be strife and misery among your people, Lest your servant starve..." -- Clonezone takes on lawyers, from "Badger" %% "But... surely, your merciful Holiness... SOME should be exempt from such a draft?" "EXEMPT?! ... Oh, all *right*. No DEAD people." -- Cerebus %% "Can you operate it, Spock?" "Well, Jim, this computer was designed and constructed 300 million years ago by a totally alien race of methane-breathing, squidlike beings who built it using technologies unknown to us and used it for purposes we cannot conceive of and then mysteriously vanished leaving no shred of documentation as to its operation. It may take a few moments." %% "For the love of Jesus, Mr. Chiun." "Now you've done it." "For Jesus? Oh, no. We never got a day's work from Him." -- Everyone's favorite Sinanju assassins, Remo and Chiun, from the DESTROYER %% "I feel the Need..." "The Need..." "FOR SPEED!" -- Maverick and Goose in "TOP GUN" %% "I'm through with takin' falls And bouncing off the walls; Without that gun I'd have some fun And kick you in the..." "NOSE!" "Nose? Dat don't rhyme wit 'walls'!" "No, but THIS does!" >*KRUNCH!*< -- Eddie Valiant in ROGER RABBIT %% "Olive" is probably one of those flexible terms like "jinnan-tonyx"; if you must have something, use a brandied grape (fill a jar with fresh white grapes; cover with 6 parts (or more) brandy to 1 part powdered sugar; seal and leave for several weeks). I'm not sure what you'd use for xamphuor, but everything else in this matches the recipe from the book. We also call it a Jupiter sunrise when served \\very// quickly; otherwise it turns a green color hideous enough to warn incautious drinkers. %% "People these days are reluctant to read the canonical texts, but they love fiction. Not all fiction, mind you, for they are sick of exemplary themes and far prefer the obscene and fantastic. How low contemporary morals have sunk! Anyone concerned about public morality will want to retrieve the situation." -- Li Yu, in "The Carnal Prayer Mat" c. 1657 A.D. %% "THE VEIDT METHOD: I will give you bodies beyond your wildest imaginings." -- Another piece of Moore irony in WATCHMEN %% +-----+ * _\o' \---\/====/ The | ___ | | /\ `\|/' ~\\___\ / _/ ___..' Archdruid | | | | `7l== * * * -=O=- \_ / / -~_--' ~~~ ...| |.| |....../_l.................'/|\`...._/_`--_/_/-'~..................... %% +--------------+ V | /\ | / \ | / \ yes +--+---+ / I \------>| I am | \ think/ +------+ \ / \ / \/ | V +-------+ | stop | +-------+ %% A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves. %% A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun. The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." "Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away. The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?" "25," he says. "Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?" %% A guy was bragging to this woman in a bar. "I can bend this horse shoe with my bare hands..." "That's nothing," she said, "I can tie up 10 miles of phone line with my mouth!!!!" %% A philanthropist decides to donate his prize dolphins to the local zoo. Upon making his donation, he reveals that the dolphins can be kept alive indefinitely by feeding them live myna birds. The zoo, not happy with the prospect of depleting their myna bird collection, decides to send an expedition to Africa to pick up some of the birds. The bird seekers land their helicopter in a large clearing in the middle of the jungle, and go off to seek their prey. They search all the trees, the myna bird bars, the bird baths; in short, all the places myna birds hang out. When they get back to the clearing, they discover that a pride of lions has taken up residence there. As the lions all appear very sleepy, they decide to tiptoe their way back to the safety of their helicopter. But, alas, when they get back to the helicopter, the game warden pops out and writes them a citation for "Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises." [Other versions of the punch line:] [ * Transporting Mynahs over a stately lion for immortal Porpoises * [ "FOR CROSSING STATE LIONS WITH OBSCENE PORPOISES!" [ Carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. %% A rejection notice slip a Chinese economic journal found somewhere on the Internet: We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity. -- Source: Mark Seiden, Wired %% A traveling-salesman type was opening up new sales territories in Africa. One day he fell ill. Since he was a man of action, he sought immediate medical attention. Even though the only nearby facility was a witch doctor, he went to see the man. The witch doctor looked him over, then cut a long, thin strip from a piece of leather and gave it to the man, saying, "Chew on this, and by the time it's all gone, you'll feel better." As mentioned, the salesman was a man of action, so he spent the rest of the day chewing on the piece of leather. Nonetheless, he didn't feel better, in fact, as you might imagine, he felt worse. So he went back to the witch doctor and said, "Doctor, the thong is ended but the malady lingers on!" %% A truckers son was playing outside when the trucker decided to watch TV. The boy soon came to the patio, slung the door open, ate a jelly bean, bit the cat on the ear and ran off. He did this a few more times until the dad stopped him and asked what he was doing. The boy replied he was playing trucker. When the dad asked him to explain the boy said, "I doing like a trucker, poppin pills, eating pussy and haulin ass." %% Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Slaves citizenship. the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a Mexican are all driving down the road in the same car. The Cuban pulls out a big cigar and lights up, takes two puffs and throws the cigar out the window. The American sees this and has a fit. 'Why'ed you throw that brand new cigar out the window???', says the American. 'We have lots where that came from.', says the Cuban. About this time the Russian opens a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes two swigs, then throws the rest out the window. Again, the American has a fit. 'Why'ed you throw a excellent bottle of Russian Vodka out the window?', the American screams. 'We have lots where that came from.', says the Russian. Just then, the American throws the Mexican out the window!!!! %% An Italian and a Russian were standing at a bus stop one morning, waiting to go to work. Every so often, the Italian would give his middle finger a delicate sniff and exclaim: "Ah, Miranda!" Naturally, the Russian was perplexed. However, he did not feel bold enough to say anything to the Italian. The next morning came round, though, and these two were at the bus stop again. "Ah, Miranda!" said the Italian. "Hm," thought the Russian to himself, "if he does this again tomorrow, I'm definitely going to ask him." Sure enough, the next day the two were there and the Italian gave his middle finger yet another delicate sniff. "Ah, Miranda!" By now the Russian was burning with curiosity. He asked the Italian why he kept sniffing his finger. "Itsa simple," the Italian said. "Every morning Ia giva my girlfriend a finger-fuck. Thata way, I got something to remember her fora the whole day." The Russian was intrigued. He was lost for the whole day, daydreaming during work. The next day, the two were at the bus stop again. The Italian sniffed his middle finger and said: "Ah, Miranda!" The Russian, on cue, buried his face in his shoulder, and inhaling deeply, drew it down the length of his arm. "Ah, Nanushka!" %% CLOISTERED Stands silent and serene in cool, crisp air of fall that plays with golden leaves littering the courtyard. Leaves sc att er ed and FLUNG across the cloistered square. Sweet smile, radiating from soul cloistered by the ebony folds of her long black habit, knows peace and love and quiet meditation. Remembering the laughing, giggling children (on Market Street), firm lover's hand on her waist (lungs full of sweet ocean spray), old men playing at checkers (but really watching young women), pizza eaten hot (burns roof of mouth), deer flee as horse gallops past (girl laughing, hair blowing), wide open spaces. Serene and silent and smiling, her steps echo down cloistered halls. Smile sweet as she wipes the tear from her eye. -- Marjorie Smith %% During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% Emacs is not an editor. Emacs is a way of thinking about the world, and as such is a way of thinking about editors. The process of editing is Emacs, but Emacs is more than the process of editing. When you ask what Emacs does, you are asking a question with no answer, because Emacs doesn't do, it is done to. Emacs just is. ... I hope this makes things clearer. -- Scott Dorsey (kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov) %% Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship. "Water!" it shrieked as it read the spectral report. "A barrier of water vapor! A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library! A civilized race could not have stooped so low! A civilized race would not have..." It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes. -- Startide Rising, by David Brin %% France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% From the coffee-colored skies, rain dripped incessantly on the grounds of the deCroissant estate and on the upturned mugs of Link Sausage, private eye, and his girl friend Patti, who knew they had to split this case - deCroissant may have been totally flaky, but his French wife, Miette, had been the toast of three continents until someone (either deCroissant himself or possibly Miette's hard-boiled lover, Poche) had cracked under the pressure of shelling out for the lady's expensive tastes and had scrambled her brains sometime early on this tart spring morning, leaving Link and Patti no choice but to grill both men before either had a chance to waffle his way out of the current jam. -- Lynda Carraher (From ''Son of 'It Was a Dark and Stormy Night''') %% I came here to say that I do not recognize anyone's right to one minute of my life. Nor to any part of my energy. Nor to any achievement of mine. No matter who makes the claim, how large their number or how great their need. I wished to come here and say that I am a man who does not exist for others. -- Howard Roark %% If you can get access to the victim's key chain is to switch all his keys for keys that look exactly the same, but don't fit the locks he's trying to open. If you can be around for this one, it's much more fun to watch the person go crazy as he cannot open anything he owns. %% In Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% In modern Europe, as in ancient Greece, it would seem that even inanimate objects have sometimes been punished for their misdeeds. After the revocation of the edict of Nantes, in 1685, the Protestant chapel at La Rochelle was condemned to be demolished, but the bell, perhaps out of regard for its value, was spared. However, to expiate the crime of having rung heretics to prayers, it was sentenced to be first whipped, and then buried and disinterred, by way of symbolizing its new birth at passing into Catholic hands. Thereafter it was catechized, and obliged to recant and promise that it would never again relapse into sin. Having made this ample and honourable amends, the bell was reconciled, baptized, and given, or rather sold, to the parish of St. Bartholomew. But when the governer sent in the bill for the bell to the parish authorities, they declined to settle it, alleging that the bell, as a recent convert to Catholicism, desired to take advantage of the law lately passed by the king, which allowed all new converts a delay of three years in paying their debts. -- Sir James G. Frazer, "Folklore In The Old Testament" %% In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart. You cannot give me too much work; to accumulate work has almost become a passion with me; my study is so full of it now that there is hardly an inch of room for any more. I shall have to throw out a wing soon. And I am careful of my work, too. Why, some of the work that I have by me now has been in my possession for years and years, and there isn't a fingermark on it. I take a great pride in my work; I take it down now and then and dust it. No man keeps his work in a better state of preservation than I do. But, though I crave for work, I still like to be fair. I do not ask for more than my proper share. But I get it without asking for it - at least, so it appears to me - and this worries me. -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men in a Boat" %% It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, man. -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), The Birth of Tragedy %% It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life. One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant. The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused. So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town. Your waiting for the moral... Can you guess? "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!" %% Monday morning Rain-drenched parks with bone-bare trees greet my failing feet. The pale daylight is no bombard for my wall-like shades, nor the wind my Monday morning. %% On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins. From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader. "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.' Foolish, pre-sentient upspring of errant masters. We slip away from all your armed might, laughing at your clumsiness! We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures. And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us! What better proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us! What better proof..." The taunt went on. Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring the artistry of it. These men are better than I'd thought. Their insults are wordy and overblown, but they have talent. They deserve honorable, slow deaths. -- David Brin, "Startide Rising" %% Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game. %% Once upon a time, there was great king with very beautiful queen and 10 faithful knights. They enjoyed their peaceful lives until the enemy attacked them, and the king had to leave his wife to his knights to go to the battlefield. Even if he trusted his 10 knights, to make everything perfect, he devised a special iron panty(underwear) for the queen. It has a hall so that a person wearing it can piss, but it is designed to cut off everything inserted into that hall. He forced his wife to wear that masterpiece, locked it, and left. Finally war was over, and he checked his knights as soon as he arrived from battlefield. He ordered them to put off their pants, and checked if they still have their penis. Nine of them has none, so he ordered soldiers to execute them with anger. Now, he turn around and said to that very faithful knight. "Well, there is nobody to trust. You are the most faithful subordinate, and I would like to give you half of my land, my friend" But, but, he could not say anything, because he had no tongue. %% One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% POZZO: He used to dance the farandole, the fling, the brawl, the jig, the fandango and even the hornpipe. He capered. For joy. Now that's the best he can do. Do you know what he calls it? ESTRAGON: The Scapegoat's Agony. VLADIMIR: The Hard Stool. POZZO: The Net. He thinks he's entangled in a net. -- Samuel Beckett, "Waiting for Godot" %% Psychoanalysis through behavior at Urinals It has been found that much can be discovered about a person and their personality traits by observing their behavior while at a urinal. The following is a list of categories and the behavior that the members exhibit. Shy: Stands very close to the urinal and uses both hands so neighbor can't see. Very Shy: Pretends to go and comes back later when no one is around. Casual: looks around, whistles, or sings. Curious: Leans over to look at neighbor's equipment. Pisses in neighbor's pocket. Competitive: Stands back about 5 feet. Challenges others to distance contests. Outgoing: Strikes up conversation with anyone within 10 urinals of self. Macho: Bangs tool on side of urinal instead of shaking it off. Paranoid: Keeps looking behind in case of attack by gay AIDs carrier. Drunk: holds urinal for support. Pisses on his own shoe. Showoff: Stands with back to urinal. Slings tool over shoulder Confused: Stands looking puzzled at urinal. Asks where the paper is. This is usually a woman who has wandered into the wrong washroom. %% Saw, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. %% Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. 'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. 'Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.' The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. 'But how?' inquires the lawyer. 'You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.' Answers the representative: 'Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.' %% Spock was waiting for them when they got to the conference room. "Captain, I've run the data we collected through the computer." "Well, Spock, you must be a very proud young man. So what's the deal with these council weasels?" -- Late Night with David Letterman %% The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% The Unquiet Grave (Folk ballad) Cold blows the wind o'er my true love And a few small drops of rain, I never had but one true love, And he in the grave is lain. My lips they are as cold as clay, My breath is earthy and strong, If you should kiss my cold white lips, Your life would not be long. %% The apocryphal friend-of-a-friend brought a can of chunky beef stew on board an airliner. At some point he emptied the contents into the barf bag. Later during some minor turbulence he pantomimed using the bag in the conventional way. When the flight attendant asked if she could dispose of the bag for him, he replied, "Not yet, there are some choice bits that I haven't finished with yet," and proceeded to pick out chunks from the bag and eat them. According to my informant, everyone nearby immediately tossed their cookies. %% The beach was a beach we shall not name, because his private house was there, but it was a small sandy stretch somewhere along the hundreds of miles of coastline that runs west from Los Angeles, which is described in the new edition of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" in one entry as "junky, wunky, lunky, stunky, and what's that other word, and all kinds of bad stuff, woo," and in another, written only hours later as "being like several thousand square miles of American Express junk mail, but without the same sense of moral depth. Plus the air is, for some reason, yellow." The coastline runs west, and then turns north up to the misty bay of San Francisco, which the Guide describes as a "good place to go. It's very easy to believe that everyone you meet there is also a space traveler. Starting a new religion for you is just their way of saying 'hi.' Until you've settled in and get the hang of the place it is best to say 'no' to three questions out of any given four that anyone may ask you, because there are some very strange things going on there, some of which an unsuspecting alien could die of." The hundreds of curling miles of cliffs and sand, palm trees, breakers and sunsets are described in the Guide as "boffo. A good one." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% There was an influential businessman who found out that his wife was having an affair with the butcher and the produce man in a local grocery store. Needless to say, he was quite furious and figured she and her lovers weren't fit to live, so he decided to kill them. Not wanting to risk his prominence in the business world, he decides to hire a bum off the street who desperately needed some money. So he finds a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to kill his wife and her lovers the next time she goes to the store. So the next day, the business man's wife went shopping and flirts first with the butcher and then the produce man as she usually does. However Artie shows up at the store and, as per his instructions, strangles the butcher, the produce man, and last but not least, the businessman's unfaithful wife. Well, the assassin quickly tries to escape but is caught by the security guards who haul him off to the police. It didn't take long for the press to catch hold of the story and printed the following headline: FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!! %% Thinking quickly, the IBM System Jock uttered an incantation in EBCDIC and made the sign of the Terminated Fork. The UNIX Guru only smiled and trapped him in a recursive SED script. %% Tips for aliens in New York: Land anywhere. Central Park, anywhere. No one will care or indeed even notice. Surviving: get a job as a cabdriver immediately. A cabdriver's job is to drive people anywhere they want to go in big yellow machines called taxis. Don't worry if you don't know how the machine works and you can't speak the language, don't understand the geography or indeed the basic physics of the area, and have large green antennae growing out of your head. Believe me, this is the best way of staying inconspicuous. If your body is REALLY weird, try showing it to people in the streets for money. Amphibious life forms from any of the worlds in the Swulling, Noxios, or Nausalia systems will particularly enjoy the East River, which is said to be richer in those lovely life-giving nutrients than the finest and most virulent laboratory slime yet achieved. Having fun: this is the big section. It is impossible to have more fun without electrocuting your pleasure center.... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% Two guys in a coffee shop. The first guy said to the second, "Do you see that mute over there? I wonder how he orders coffee?" The waitress just passing by, says, "Oh, if you want to know, ordering coffee is easy for him. You have to see him ordering coffee with milk." She blushed and continued, "I have to give him a few slaps before he remove his hands." %% T O O MUC H S E X MAKESYO UREYESG OFUNNY %% We are all born with the same mark below, And the bigger it is, the more we know: If you could see it, soon would nature show All the great wonders she can do for us. Therefore, be willing, ladies, all of you, To learn the harm that these our snakes can do, And all the remedies that you should know In order to escape some bad distress -- Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "Snake Charmers" %% Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. -- Richard Lederer, "Student Bloopers" %% if you can pick your nose in private, can you pick someone else's nose in public, and if so, what do you think their response would/should be? %% n a+b --- = x, donc Dieu existe. Repondez! n -- Leonhard Euler %% the sand remembers once there was beach and sunshine but chip is warm too -- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6 %% you: Can you speak ? sucker: no. you: How does it feel to be dumber than a ? %% you: How's your boat? sucker: Boat? you: I heard you were getting a little dinghy (again, sp?) %% "...while I know many people who emphatically believe in reincarnation, I have never met or read one who could satisfactorily explain population growth." -- Spider Robinson %% "But when we got into the street I viddied that thinking is for the gloopy ones and that the oomny ones use like inspiration and what Bog sends." %% "Emergency!" Stiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was a burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room service! Code red!" Stiggs was on the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell. "I demand smell," he shrilled. "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these f*cking roses." Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation involved fifty roses. "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower floating in a brandy glass. Stiggs's tirade was great. "Do you see this bathtub? Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand? I need total bath coverage. I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure." It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we bolted. -- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O. C. and Stiggs, National Lampoon, October 1982 %% "I lie awake, staring out at the bleakness of Megadon. City and sky become one, merging into a single plane, a vast sea of unbroken grey. The twin moons, just two pale orbs as they trace their way across the steely sky. I used to think that I had a pretty good life here, just plugging into my machine for the day, then watching Templevision or reading a Temple Paper in the evening. My friend Jon always said it was nicer here than under the atmospheric domes of the Outer Planets. We have had peace since 2062, when the surviving planets were banded together under the Red Star of the Solar Federation. The less fortunate gave us a few new moons. I believed what I was told, I thought it was a good life, I thought I was happy. Then I found something that changed it all..." -- Anonymous, 2112 %% "In general, [UNIX] has been hacked on by a plethora of graduate students for many years. When done this way, things don't tend to be reliable or well-implemented. I'm sure the designers of UNIX would like to have a clean slate and start over." -- Dave Cutler, NT lead architect %% "It seemed to me," said Wonko the Sane, "that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane." -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy %% "Life," he said, "is like a grapefruit." "Er, how so?" "Well, it's sort of orangy-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast." "Is there anyone else out there I can talk to?" -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy %% "Never mind what I said," the Lord spake. "Doth thou listen to every crazy idea that comes thy way?" And Abraham grew ashamed. "Er -- not really... no." "I jokingly suggest thou sacrifice Isaac and thou immediately runs out to do it." And Abraham fell to his knees, "See, I never know when you are kidding." And the Lord thundered, "No sense of humor. I can't believe it." -- Without Feathers -- Woody Allen %% "Starring Chevy Chase" is a code phrase that means, "You have too much leisure time." %% "Well, there were sixty-eight people there, and sixty-two of them had no more desire to throw a stone than you had." "Satan!" "Oh, it's true. I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kindhearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves. Think of it! One kind-hearted creature spies upon another, and sees to it that he loyally helps in iniquities which revolt both of them. Speaking as an expert, I know that ninety-nine out of a hundred of your race were strongly against the killing of witches when that foolishness was first agitated by a handful of pious lunatics in the long ago. And I know that even to-day, after ages of transmitted prejudice and silly teaching, only one person in twenty puts any real heart into the harrying of a witch. And yet apparently everybody hates witches and wants them killed. Some day a handful will rise up on the other side and make the most noise -- perhaps even a single daring man with a big voice and a determined front will do it -- and in a week all the sheep will wheel and follow him, and witch-hunting will come to a sudden end." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger" %% (picture- a ship out at sea, the distinguished captain on deck, surveying his surroundings...) A sailor rushes up, out of breath, and says, "Captain, captain, there's a pirate ship out there!! What will we do?" The captain, very calm and cool, says, "Well, bring up a hundred men from below and bring me my red shirt." The sailor asks, "But why the red shirt?" Our brave captain replies, "So the men won't see me bleed." But then another sailor rushes up. "Captain, captain, look! There's ANOTHER pirate ship!" And the captain responds, "Very well, bring up a hundred men from below and bring me my brown pants." %% A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. The librarian stares at it. Finally, the chicken says, "Baaawwwk!" The librarian continues to stare, confused. The chicken again goes, "Baaawwwk!" The librarian thinks, then gives the chicken a book. The chicken takes the book and leaves. The next day the chicken returns with the book under one wing. It walks up to the desk, drops the book, and says, "Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk!" So the librarian gives the chicken two books. The chicken takes the two books and leaves. The following day, the chicken returns, drops off the two books, and says, "Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk! Baaawwwk!" to which the librarian gives it three books. The chicken leaves. But the librarian is getting suspicious. The next day, the chicken goes through the whole routine, gets four books, and leaves. But this time the librarian decides to follow it. The chicken walks out of town, through the woods, over a small bridge, and up to the edge of a pond where a frog is sitting on a lily pad. As the librarian watches, the chicken gives each book to the frog who in turn throws it back on the ground, saying, "Riddit!" (read it) %% A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion houses a hydro-chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of this central section. Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. There is a similar machine known as a bull. It gives no milk but has other uses. %% A favorite easy punch recipe is equal parts pink champagne (any cheap brand) and 7-Up. Then add scoops of raspberry sherbert. It gets foamy, is light and refreshing, and still alcoholic. To dress it up a little, soften the sherbert and put it in a jello ring or mold and refreeze it. Then remove it from the mold and float it in the punch bowl. %% A girl comes out of a bar late at night and notices a guy walking around the parking lot waving his hands over the roof of the cars. This puzzles her so she goes and asks the guy what he is doing. In a very slurred drunken voice he says "I am looking for my car." The girl says "that doesn't make sense - you should look for the right colour or the right model." The guy says "All I remember is that it had a red light, a blue light and a siren on top." %% A group of guys used to get together once a week to play poker. Well, one of the guys died; but his ghost continued to join in the poker games as before. On one of these evenings, the ghost got five beautiful hearts in his very first hand, and he bet his stack. Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood players had a full house and raked in the pot -- another case where the spirit was willing but the flush was weak. %% A guy is lying in the middle of the aisle in a movie theater. The usher comes by and tells the guy he has to move. The guy just lays there and moans. The usher goes and gets the manager. The manager tells the guy he has to move. The guy just lays there and moans. The manager calls the police. The policeman tells the guy he has to move. The guy just lays there and moans. The policeman says "oh, a wise guy eh? Where are you from anyway?" The guy says "the balcony." %% A hunter hired a Maine guide to lead him though the wilderness. By the end of the third day, the hunter discovered that they were walking in circles. "We're lost," complained the hunter. "I thought you were the best guide in Maine." "I am," replied the guide, "but we're in New Hampshire now.' %% A new priest has just given his first sermon. Afterwards, he asks an older priest how he did. "Well," the elder remarks, "it was a bit dull. You could liven up the sermon if you drink a bit of vodka before your next sermon." The youth follows his advice, and the next day, delivers a rousing oratory that lifts the churchgoers out of their seats. He returns to the old priest and inquires "Hey, man, like how'd I do?" "Well," the old cleric replies, "there are a few little details you forgot.... "There are ten commandments, not twelve. "There were twelve apostles, not ten. "David `slew' Goliath, not `kicked the living shit out of' him. "There is a *taffy* pulling contest at St. *Peter*'s next week, not a *Peter* pulling contest at St. *Taffy*'s. "The Virgin Mary is not to be referred to as mary-with-the-cherry, "And lastly, one never refers to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost as...Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." %% A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" "No women? What do the men do for... er..." "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the streets?  That's the answer, right there." Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this?" "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. %% A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird. On the way he attempts to hire porters from a tribe of Pygmys. They warn him of the dreaded curse on all who look upon the bird and refuse to join. Undaunted the intrepid photographer continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits. After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river. In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off a shot. No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano. The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing. He frantically tries to get the stuff off but to no avail. Finally in desperation, he throws himself into the river. A large crocodile promptly eats him. The moral? It the foo shits, wear it. %% A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under the circumstances. One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman received a phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto his head!" The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, I have a wonderful surprise for you!" "Oh no," replied The Head, "not another HAT!" %% All dentists must hum a medley of Barry Manilow tunes during root canal work. %% All statements contained herein may be accurate, but might also be carefully designed lies intended to induce an angry response. -- Mike Chapman, mike@hopper.acs.virginia.edu %% An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" -*- The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend directions. The store--if that is what it is--looks a little seedy and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend. He speaks first: "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?" "Ma femme est morte." "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" -*- The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat) -- capeau(slang for condom) %% As part of an experimental exchange program, three guys from MIT, Princeton, and Carnegie Mellon :-) are sent to a school on the West Coast. The first night there they decide to go out to dinner and get to know each other. As soon as dinner is over, coincidentally, all three get up from the table and go to the restroom. The student from MIT finishes first, goes to the sink, and washes his hands with a vengeance, making sure the soap touches every bit of his skin. He does this twice. The Princeton man is next and he washes his hands quickly, barely touching the soap. So these two stand around waiting for the Carnegie Mellon guy to wash up, and are shocked to see him walk right past the sink without giving it a look! After a few minutes back at the table, the MIT student can't resist, and says: "You know, at MIT they teach us to do things thoroughly." Picking up on his lead, the guy from Princeton says: "And at Princeton they teach us to do things quickly." Not to be outdone, the third responds: "Well, at Carnegie Mellon they teach us not to piss on our hands!" %% At least 75 times in your life, someone will tell you that something is "for your own good." It will never be for your own good. %% At least once in your life, you will step in a substance so hideous that you will have to throw out your shoes. %% At least once in your life, you'll miss a belt loop at the back, and no one will tell you about it. %% Bright-eyed little boys do not catch foul balls. Pudgy half-drunk adults wearing baseball gloves catch foul balls. %% Chaucer and Shakespeare happened to die at the exact same instant, and therefore went to be admitted to heaven at the same time. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Peter St. Peter: " Unfortunately, we only have one slot available. To be fair, I want you both to write a four line poem using the word "Timbuktu". Whoever writes the best poem will be admitted to heaven." Chaucer and Shakespeare, both being competitive by nature, readily agreed. It was decided that Chaucer would go first. Chaucer's poem: " I gazed across the blowing sand a very tired and thirsty man, A caravan came into view making its' way to Timbuktu." St. Peter and Shakespeare both agreed that that was a very good poem. Then it was Shakespeare's turn. Shakespeare's poem: " Tim and I a hunting went we found three damsels in a tent, as they were three, and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu" Chaucer suddenly began to feel very warm ... %% During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued an order to place copies of the New York "Times" immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops. In this way the men could keep their feet dry. His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant; and one did not argue with the General. As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: "THESE ARE THE 'TIMES' THAT DRY MEN'S SOLES." %% Eleven seconds after the warranty expires on your $17,000 car, the engine will make a knocking sound that exactly duplicates the drum solo from Inna Gadda Da Vida. %% Every few thousand years a random lottery is held and one person is granted immortality. The latest winner is Dick Clark. %% Every single trip to the laundromat results in the loss of one important item of clothing. %% Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by cats. You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. They're neat. They don't shit all over the place. They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something about it. They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. %% For each time you say the phrases "touch base," "networking," or "bottom line," you will spend one month in hell. %% Four minutes before the conclusion of any worth-while TV program, you will get a phone call from your cousin, the one called Loose Lips. %% GETTING THINGS DONE AROUND HERE IS LIKE - - - TWO ELEPHANTS - MAKING LOVE!!!!! . It all happens at a high level; . It's always accompanied by a lot of roaring and screaming; . It takes two years to see any results! %% Gas station attendants are hired based on their lack of knowledge regarding directions. %% Hans and Gretchen were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbour. They decide to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest (chat, have a smoke or whatever). Gretchen, in her infinite boredom, suggests to Hans, ``While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?'' Hans replies, ``Ja, sehr gut, I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily troops down the dock. Hans counts, ``One slat!'' Gretchen counts, ``One slit!'' ``Two slats!'' ``Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually Hans and Gretchen approach the end of the dock. ``327 slats!'' ``327 slits!'' ``328 slats!'' They reach the end of the dock. Gretchen is puzzled. ``Hans! There are no more slits! What does it mean?'' Hans turns to Gretchen and says (brace yourselves), ``When you're out of slits, you're out of pier!'' %% Harry just looked at me and said, "You've got a scoop of ice cream in your shirt pocket." I felt a little foolish, what with the creamy melted goo leaking out down the front of my shirt and all, and then it was kind of a windy day and so these leaves that usually just whirl on by you ever-so romantically on blustery fall afternoons and then wander once again skyward freely and happily were getting stuck to this God-forsaken goo that was by now running down my shirt like a river in the spring time when it's just starting to get warm out again and you say to yourself 'oh it's so nice out but i'm sure it won't last' and so the leaves just kind of got stuck there and looked up at me kind of mournfully cause they wouldn't get to be like the leaves in that old song my mom used to sing: 'come little leaves said the wind one day, come over to the meadow with me and play..' and that was somewhat sad, i might have thought, but i no longer remember. %% If there are two ways to pronounce a name, you'll always pick the wrong one. %% If worthiness in me Were as immense as my desire, Pity, now still asleep, awake would be. But since desire and strength Do not go well together, Suffer I must the length of all my woes, my lord. And you I do not blame-- I blame myself for this: Great beauty finds its bliss-- I see and I confess In a much greener age. %% If you are in the shower and you think you hear the doorbell ring you throw on a towel and almost kill yourself running down the stairs. There's soap in your eyes and shampoo in your hair and you holler "I'm coming." The towel falls off and you put it back on and finally you fling the door open and meet a person with a copy of The Watchtower under his arm. %% If you know someone who has had a moustache for more than three years, never let that man sleep on your sofa. %% If you preface a joke by saying, "This is really funny," no one will laugh. %% If you rip the tag off your mattress, you'll be the first person actually arrested, tried and convicted for doing so. %% It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide. I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides. %% It was over in a flash. The neutron bombs were delivered with so little warning, none of the government officials were able to get to their shelters in time. But the neutron bombs were designed to wipe out only people, and they were designed well. Buildings stood and petunias blossomed. Somehow, Dave had survived. The last boy on Earth. AS he sat down in his room, reading a Frederic Brown novel, the phone rang. Without thinking, Dave picked it up. "Dave, this is Kevin. Are you going to be at the SF club meeting tonight?" Suddenly realizing what was happening, Dave reacted. "Kevin? But I thought I was the last person alive!" "Nah, the whole group's still going strong!" "But...how?" "Same as you. You read a lot, don't you?" "A novel a day." "So, your walls are lined with books, aren't they?" "Sure." "Best radiation absorbers ever. Hardly a fan got burned, worldwide. Anyway, the meeting's at the usual place. 7:30. See you there" And that's how fandom took over the world. %% Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits Jesus on the head. He whirls around and shouts "Jeez, Mom, c'mon! I'm trying to make a point, here!" %% Just after the end of World War 2, it was decided that the borders between Poland and Russia should be redrawn. A surveyor was out one day looking over the proposed border when he noticed a little house right smack dab on the line. Well he was unsure as to which country the house belonged to, so he decided to let the occupants choose which country they wanted to be a part of. He knocked on the door and an old man answered. "Well, old man. I'm here to tell you that you have a choice of country. Which is it, do you want to be part of Poland or Russia?" The man thought for a moment and said decisively, "Poland!" The surveyor was taken aback by the old man's vehemence and said, "Why did you choose Poland." The old man countered with, "Well, if I have to go through just one more of these Russian winters...." %% Let's say you want to go to the 11th floor. Two elevator doors open at the same time. You get on elevator one. Elevator two immediately zooms up to the 11th floor. Elevator two goes down to the basement. A janitor toting a bucket of slime gets on. The elevator goes up to the ground floor. The janitor gets off. Several people get on the elevator. It goes back down to the basement, picks up another janitor with a bucket of slime, and then stops at every intervening floor on its way up to the 11th. %% Like almost all old [more than 70 years], large [more than 10,000 people] institutions, the government did not get to be as successful as it is by acting the way it does now. -- Paraphrased by estell%fidler.decnet@nwc.navy.mil from the original statement by Robert Townsend, in "Up the Organization". %% Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines. %% Next we had Egyptian wars, Greek wars, Roman wars, hideous drenchings of the earth with blood; and we saw the treacheries of the Romans toward the Carthaginians, and the sickening spectacle of the massacre of those brave people. Also we saw Caesar invade Britain -- "not that those barbarians had done him any harm, but because he wanted their land, and desired to confer the blessings of civilization upon their widows and orphans," as Satan explained. Next, Christianity was born. Then ages of Europe passed in review before us, and we saw Christianity and Civilization march hand in hand through those ages, "leaving famine and death and desolation in their wake, and other signs of the progress of the human race," as Satan observed. And always we had wars, and more wars, and still other wars -- all over Europe, all over the world. "Sometimes in the private interest of royal families," Satan said, "sometimes to crush a weak nation; but never a war started by the aggressor for any clean purpose -- there is no such war in the history of the race." "Now," said Satan, "you have seen your progress down to the present, and you must confess that it is wonderful -- in its way. We must now exhibit the future." He showed us slaughters more terrible in their destruction of life, more devastating in their engines of war, than any we had seen. "You perceive," he said, "that you have made continual progress. Cain did his murder with a club; the Hebrews did their murders with javelins and swords; the Greeks and Romans added protective armor and the fine arts of military organization and generalship; the Christian has added guns and gunpowder; a few centuries from now he will have so greatly improved the deadly effectiveness of his weapons of slaughter that all men will confess that without Christian civilization war must have remained a poor and trifling thing to the end of time." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger" %% No matter how much you try to avoid it, you will spend at least five minutes of your life watching Mr. T on television. %% No matter what seat you take in a movie theatre, the seat directly in front of you will soon be occupied by a six-foot tall woman with a beehive hairdo that scrapes the ceiling. When you move away from the Beehive Lady, you will find yourself sitting in front of a foul-smelling man who truly believes that he has a supporting role in the film. Thus he will talk to the characters on the screen for the length of the picture. %% ONCE upon a time a company realized it had to make cutbacks. The old familiar story. They had 3 secretaries, only one of which they could afford to keep, so by the agreement of company officers a test was devised to measure the honesty of the three. At the end of the month, each of their paychecks contained an extra $500. When the first woman picked up her check and looked at it, she noticed the error and notified the payroll department immediately. The second, noticing the error, said: "You have overpaid me, but I will keep the money for a year, deposit it in a high yield account, and at the end of the year you will get your money back and half the interest I earned." When the third woman saw her extraordinary windfall, she stuffed the check in her purse, spun on her heels, and went home. Which secretary did they keep? The one with the best hooters. %% Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but, alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!" "What for ?",the mad scientist asked. And the answer was: For making an obscene clone fall. %% Once upon a time there was a flock of geese. Like all geese, they would fly south for the winter and north for the summer. And, like all geese, they would fly in one of those impressive "V" formations with the lead gander out in front. Well, it seems that there was one goose named DeeDee (or Dee for short), who had a great deal of difficulty following the lead gander's instructions. Maybe it was due to a mechanical defect in her (sorry ladies) wings, or maybe it was just brain damage due to flying through polluted air. At any rate, when the flock would turn right, Dee would fly the other way, often crashing into the other geese in the formation. Needless to say, this spoiled a great looking formation and proved to be *very embarrassing*. In order to take care of the problem, the lead gander told her that she would have to fly at the end of the formation, thus avoiding any mid-air crashes and saving the lead gander much face. When describing the problem and his solution to it, the lead gander told a reporter from the Audubon Society magazine: "Dee, who flaps last, flaps left" %% Once upon a time, (Couldn't think of a better beginning) there was this guy named Bill. Well Bill wanted to throw a party. And he didn't want to have just any party he wanted to do something new. So he thought and thought, and finally he came up with a new idea. A mood party. He would invite a bunch of people and they would all dress up as different moods and everyone could try and guess what a persons mood was. Finally the day and moment of the party was upon him. The first guest had rung the bell. When he answered it there was a woman all dressed in green. Bill said "Lemmie guess, your jealousy, right?" and she said that he was right. Not much later a man with a scowl on his face dressed all in red came to the door. Bill said "No problem, your rage." The man said "You got it." As more and more people arrived the party was hitting full swing. Bill wasn't having much trouble in identifying the moods that people were dressed as, and if he did everyone else helped. Until the last person arrived. The man was naked with the exception of a pear that his dick was stuck into. Bill could not figure out this mans mood. Everyone tried and nobody could tell. Finally they asked the man what his mood was. "I'm fucking dis pear". %% Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was a kingdom in which the king was fond of history and ancient things. He would collect historical objects, dress in royal threads from bygone eras, and generally try to live ancient traditions. One day the king issued a royal proclamation, as kings are wont to do now and then. Of course, he wrote the proclamation in the language of 200 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings, obsolete words, now-defunct verb forms, etc. The general population, of course, could make neither head nor tail of the proclamation. A vast legal muddle ensued. The courts, called upon to untangle the mess, pronounced a ruling that, henceforth, all royal proclamations must be written in modern, currently accepted prose. In other words, We can't have archaic and edict, too. %% Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of the Pearls, there lived an extremely cultured pearl named Michael. Michael was a pearl of high ideals and great aspirations, and, in the hopes of better serving his fellow pearls, he went to law school, graduated, and opened a legal clinic. He became well known for his charitable services to less fortunate pearls. But alas, after a few years, he began to burn out. He paid less and less attention to his cases. Eventually, he dropped out completely and became a beachcomber, spending his days lying on the strand with grains of sand sticking to his filthy, unwashed body. And his relatives, filled with sorrow at this sight, all chanted, A gritty pearl is Michael, LLD. %% Once, a group of 20 college computer jocks decided to buy a house and start their own fraternity (a la "Revenge of the Nerds"). In order to have more space for their assorted collection of micros, minis, and mainframes (not to mention the Cray in the basement), they decided to turn the largest room upstairs into the house sleeping quarters. "After all," they reasoned, "a bedroom is only used for sleeping between programming assignments! What else??" Over the door of the sleeping quarters, they hung a sign which read: Hacks' Bedroom: Twenty Men, Nuts Into Computers %% One day a mother stork was caring for her baby stork while her husband was out. The baby was crying because it wanted it's father and the mother replied that "Your father is out delivering babies to human parents and making them very happy." The next evening the mother was out spreading the joy and the baby stork was was now crying for it's mother. Dad told the baby the "Mother will be home soon, right after she is finished spreading happiness to all the human parents". Well, that very next evening it was the parents turn to worry as baby was gone from the nest and they didn't know where he was. The next morning, baby flies in and the parents immediately ask him where he has been all night. "Well, I've just been scaring the hell out of college students!" %% One day an Italian, a Jew, and a Greek died in an accident at the same time and went before St. Paul at the Pearly Gates. St. Paul thought the trio had lived good lives and wanted to give them another chance... "Alright gentlemen, you have one more chance. However, you must give up the one thing in your life that matters to you most...Give up your favorite thing, or you will instantly lose this chance which I have granted you." Well, the three instantly agreed, and *POOF* were back on Earth, alive as could be. They were walking down the street in the city, when they passed a restaurant with pasta, 'just like Mom used to make.' The Italian tried to resist his urges, but couldn't, and at the first bite of linguini, *POOF*, he vanished. "Poor guy," said the remaining two, and they continued down the street. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a quarter rolled down the sidewalk in front of them. The Jew tried as hard as he could to resist his urges, but finally, he bent over to pick up the quarter... And *POOF*, the Greek disappeared. %% One day the Shah of a middle-eastern country decided his son the Shan was old enough to have a body guard. He searched his kingdom until he found the right person for the job. As it turned out, he was well suited for the task and watched after the Shan dutifully. As the Shan got older, the body guard decided he could probably slip off for awhile without consequence. As luck would have it the Shan was epileptic, had a fit and died while he was gone. When the Shah found out about it, he called the body guard and asked: "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?" %% One evening in a store in Wakiki, a Hawaiian stockboy was sweeping the floors and stocking the shelves. As he was doing so, he popped the top off of some Diet Coke and was having a swig. (After eating a lot of poi in his life, he needed to lose just a little weight.) Well, he dropped the can and the brown cola spread all over the floor. He went to get a mop to clean up the mess, but instead, he slipped in the liquid and fell on his can. (Oops, no pun intended, there.) His co-workers thought that was a pretty funny sight, and burst into song, "In the spillage, the diet spillage, the H'waiian slips tonight." %% One month after moving into your dream house, you will get new next-door neighbors who will display a predilection for dismantled cars, rabbit cages oversized tents and the music of Kool and the Gang. %% One night in Texas, the madam of the Chicken Ranch was visiting with some friends in the parlor, while her girls satisfied the paying customers upstairs. The friends noticed two distinct reactions when the customers left for home: most would just say goodnight and leave with a smile, but occasionally one of the younger men would leave singing in a strange foreign language. Finally, after this had happened several times, the madam's friends were overcome by curiosity. "Who ARE those guys?" they asked. "Oh, the singers?", the madam laughed. "Why, they're new customers! BRAND new, if you know what I mean." "That explains the singing," they said, "but what in the world is that foreign language they're singing in?" The madam replied, "Gypsy: the voice of a new penetration." %% One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting he's cheating on her) questions his whereabouts... Wife: "Where were you??" Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden" Wife: "Sure you were. There's no such place!" Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even golden urinals!" Wife: "Oh, I BELIEVE you 100%" So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar. She's surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides to call up and check this out for herself... Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?" Bartender: "Yes it is.." Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?" Bartender: "Yes we do..." Wife: "Do you have golden floors??" Bartender: "We have them, too..." Wife: "What about golden urinals?" Bartender (speaking away from phone) "Hey Max, I think we have a lead on the guy that went in you alto-sax." %% Only after you are hopelessly lost will you realize that you left the directions at home. %% Only two magazines can be stacked up in bathrooms -- National Geographic and Reader's Digest. Issues must be at least five years old. %% Our Hero was travelling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy Grail, when a fierce storm blew up and his steed caught some horsey sickness. He hied to a monastery, and asked the abbot for a replacement, citing their loyalty to God. It was the winter season, and nightfall was approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the other horses were sneezing a coughing also, until they came to a stable, where a large shaggy dog story(oops) resided. The knight asked for him, to which the abbot replied, "Oh, no, it is still stormy and getting dark. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this." %% People that have fuzzy dice hanging from their rear-view mirrors often suffer from insomnia. %% People will say "Watch your step" to you only after you have taken a vicious fall. %% President Eisenhower's Mother had a sister; this lady constantly had trouble in bright sunshine because her nose was so sensitive that the skin peeled off every summer. Her doctor made a simple remedy, a small cone of paper (like a Dunce's cap) which she stuck onto her nose at the first sign of sun. Do you believe this? I didn't until Mick Jagger sang about it. Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son %% Real programmers don't document their code. The brilliance of the program itself is self-evident, and anyone who can't figure it out isn't a real programmer. %% Real programmers don't eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Real programmers eat whenever they want to, and only with food from vending machines. Vending machines don't serve quiche. %% Real programmers don't program in BASIC. BASIC is for 12-year-old pimple-faced computer geeks who think Pac-Man is "cool". %% Real programmers don't program in LISP. Any language with more parenthesis than actual code is for airheaded wienies who can't write real programs. %% Real programmers don't program in PASCAL. PASCAL is for pencil-pushing pinstripes who think structure is good and spontaneous hacks are bad. %% Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan: both have 12 letters! Milhous starts with an 'm', Wilson starts with a 'w', which is an 'm' upside down! Gerald Ford, George Bush: both have 6 letters in the first name and 4 in the last! Both start with 'g'! Nixon was not shot from a warehouse, and Reagan was not shot in a theater! In fact, both men are still alive! Nixon is married to Mrs. Nixon, Reagan is married to Mrs. Reagan! Both men were elected president exactly twice! Both were elected on Tuesdays! Both men ran for governor of California! Reagan was born in 1911, Nixon was born 1913, two years apart! Both lived in the same house and used the same office! Nixon had tapes of everything said to him, Reagan has a script of everything he is going to say! Both were involved in scandals ending in -gate: Watergate, Contragate! Believe it, or what! %% Rush hour starts when you leave the house. It ends when you reach the office. %% Seems there was a witch named Beatrice who lived in the little town of Clearwater. She was famous for her brews and potions. If you needed a love potion, or potion of Cure Dianthroritis, she was the one to contact. The drinks, however, were not very tasty, as they were made with all sorts of herbs and spices, many of them bitter and foul-smelling. She bought all her ingredients at Herb's Herbs, the local Wholistic Drug and Natural Medicine Shoppe. She was one of Herb's most favored customers, and he even extended her credit, since she had given him a brew that made his wife, well, frisky. One day, a traveling preacher came to town, and Herb attended the revival. He became converted to Christianity (which lent credence to the effectiveness of the Clearwater Revival) and realized that his new beliefs and Beatrice's witchcraft were in conflict. Therefore, with a deep sense of loss (she was a good customer), he reluctantly told his employees that they could no longer sell herbs and spices to the witch, Beatrice. In fact, he had to put a sign by the cash registers, "We will sell no thyme for Bea's wine." %% Several people are passing the baby around, saying such things as "He has such a nice smile," and "He has such beautiful eyes." When it is your turn to hold the baby, you will say, "He has such a load in his pants and it's leaking right through." %% So anyway this old fella goes out & hires himself a hooker. Things went along well until he asked "So, how'm She said "Oh, about 3 nots." he: "3 knots? I never heard that before; whadda mean?" she " You're not hard, you're not in, & you're not getting your money back!" %% So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!" "Sure I can.", said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds." The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet." the boy said, "She's weighing the mailman." %% The Chuckles The Clown episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show must be playing on some channel, somewhere, at all times. %% The Last Man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door. He was tired. He was homesick. He wanted to quit. He had nowhere else to go. There was another knock. This time followed by the reedy alien whine, "Ten minutes to show time." Show time at Walazars Sideshow of the Stars! The home of freaks and sole survivors. %% The battery will not die when your car is parked in the driveway. The battery will die on Dec. 31 at 10 p.m., when your car is the only one left in the office parking lot. %% The cable TV repairman who tells you to stay home from work all day because he doesn't know when he'll drop by, will drop by at 6 p.m. %% The coming thing, Cowboy thinks. Live forever in a bodily incarnation of the eye-face, not limited to the speed of artificially enhanced neurotransmitters but approaching the speed of light, extending the limits of the interface, the universe. Brain contained in a perfect liquid-crystal analog. Nerves like the strings of a steel guitar. Heart a spinning turbopump. The Steel Cowboy, his body a screaming monochrome flicker, dispensing justice and righting wrongs. Who was that masked AI? Dunno, pardner, but he left this silver casting of a crystal circuit. To Cowboy, it sounded pretty good. -- Walter Jon Williams, "Hardwired" %% The garbage bag full of leaves or wrapping paper or cardboard boxes will never break. The garbage bag full of egg shells, coffee grounds, and potato salad will always break. %% The macho coach of Bruiser State saw the referee call a five yard penalty on his team. The coach ran out to the ref and yelled into his face "YOU STINK, REF!!!" The referee picked up the ball and said "Oh, really?" He walked 15 yards further down field and yelled, "How do I smell from here?" %% The more you hate a song, the harder it will be to get that song out of your head. %% The movie St. Elmo's Fire was made to prove to us that each and every one of us can feel the urge to strangle people. %% The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. No further information is available. %% The officer who just stopped you for going one kilometer over the speed limit has never in his 20-year career let anyone off with "just a warning". %% The post office is required to deliver a minimum of two bills per day to each house. There is no maximum. %% The question that you will be asked most often in your life is "Do you want fries with that?" %% The shoebox where you store papers and receipts has been lined with a vaporizing agent that dissolves anything of real importance. %% The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was horrified! Then came the children's lesson. For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against the table as the children gathered around him. The congregation were totally beside themselves! He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" There was total silence. He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" Total silence. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, Sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." %% The stain on your blouse is imperceptible under the lights of your laundry room, but at the restaurant tonight, it will be so noticeable that complete strangers will stop by your table to point it out. %% The teacher explains to the students that she wants them to start at 'A' and continue to 'Z' giving a word that begins with that letter and to use it in a sentence. She calls for volunteers for 'A' and see's Dirty Johnny's hand wave up and down. She does't want to call on him because he may say something like "Ass", so she calls on Mary instead. "Apple. The apple is red," says Mary. The teacher says, "Good, now 'B'" and again calls on someone other than Dirty Johnny because he might say "Bitch"... Sharon says, "Ball. The ball is round." This goes on until she reaches 'R'. She calls for volunteers and only sees Dirty Johnny. She hesitates but decides that 'R' is pretty harmless. "A Rat," says Johnny. With a sigh of relief the teacher prompts him, "And the sentence..." "A big fuckin' rat, with a tail this fuckin' long." %% The traveling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!" "The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke. "It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!" %% The tuning knob in your car radio will break, and become permanently tuned to a polka-rock station. %% The woman who sits next to you on the bus is wearing a perfume known as Eua du Terrible. She has a 200-liter drum of the stuff and sticks her head in it every morning. %% The zoo had been planning to mate their two gorillas, but the male died. Searching for an alternative, the zookeeper decided to ask the cage cleaner, Kowalski. So the zookeeper asked him "Will you mate with the gorilla for $1000?" Kowalski looked thoughtful for a moment, then said "I dunno, I'll have to ask the wife." The next day, Kowalski came in and said to the zookeeper "OK, I'll do it, but on three conditions. First, no kissing on the lips. Second, the children will have to be raised Catholic. And third, give me a month to raise the $1000!" %% There is a small but very powerful magnet directly below the living room floor of your house. Attached to this magnet are dozens of lost keys. %% There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar, in that they were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you..There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!" %% There was a local campus paper at one of the universities I attended that had a "joe in the street" weekly question in which they printed your picture and your responses to the questions asked. Anyway, a friend of mine, known for his somewhat outrageous humor was asked: "Assuming you believed in reincarnation, what would you like to come back as?" He responded quickly, "Well, either a) a floral scented tampon, to have all the fun, and avoid the mess, or b) an elevator in the engineering building so that engineers could go up and down on me all day." Well, they printed it. Everyone was amused. Except for the engineers. One day, while he was going to class, minding his own business, a group of about 15 engineers grabbed him, stuffed his in the elevator in the engineering building and taped him to a chair for 4 hours. %% There was an old man said, "I fear That life, my friends, is a bubble Still, with all due respect to a Philistine ear, A limerick's best when its double." %% There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here: they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest, juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes. What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to appraise them." %% There was once was this guy who began farting a great deal. The smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a loud "HONDA!" He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them could help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of desperation he went to an old chinese doctor and explained his problem. Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed tooth, have it fixed and your problem will be solved." So he went to a dentist, and sure, enough he did have an abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his "HONDA" farts went away as well. So he went back to the chinese doctor and said, "What's the punch line?" -- or was it, "How did you know that I had an abscessed tooth?" "Because", said the chinese doctor, "everybody know that ... ... abscess make the fart go HONDA!" %% There was this Rabbi that naturally used to perform the circumcisions for the young males of the congregation. When he had first become a Rabbi he started to save the foreskins in a big jar of formaldehyde, he didn't know exactly what he was going to do with them, but what the heck. One day he was talking to his friend, who just happened to be a leather worker, and asked him if there might be something he could do with these hundreds of preserved foreskins. the friend said "sure, I'll make something nice for you". About a week later the Rabbi stops by the leather shop to see the results and the friend hands him a small box. Inside the box is a very nicely made wallet. "It's very nice", states the Rabbi to the friend, "The hand stitching is superb!" "That's not even the best part", says the friend. "If you stroke it it turns into a SUITCASE!" %% There was this rich lady, who lived in a large mansion. She was so rich, she even had an artist that would paint pictures only for her. One day, she was standing in the salon, gazing at the far wall, which was relatively blank. She called up Louie. "Louie, I want you to paint me a mural on my salon wall that would depict General Custer's last thoughts." Louie replied,"Oui, Madam, but for such a work, I would need two weeks of complete privacy." Well, the lady agreed, and at the end of the two weeks, she gave a party for all her "high society" friends. She stood in front of the veiled masterpiece, and decided she wanted her friends to see it before her. So, she watched her guests for their reaction as she pulled the cord that dropped the veil. As the veil fell away, the guests' mouths dropped in shock. The lady then whirled around and saw the mural. It was a picture of a large cow with a halo over it, and all around it were indians making love. "Louie!" she screamed, grabbing him by the throat, "I asked for Custer's last thoughts! What is the meaning of this????" To which Louie replied,"Eeet ees, Madam,...Holy Cow, Look at all the f**king indians!!". %% These 3 couples, Jewish, Irish and Greek, are at the Pearly Gates waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter for admission into the Devine Kingdom. The Jewish couple is approached by St. Peter. "So you are Jewish, eh?", asks St. Peter. "Tell me what is your wife's name, sir." "Penny", replies the Jewish man. "Aha just as I expected" shouts St. Peter, "typical jew, greedy with nothing on your mind but money. Even had to get yourself a wife who reminds you of money. Sorry, but your not wanted here.". Our interviewer then goes up to the Irish couple and says "Tell me what is your wife's name, sir." "Sherry", replies the Irish man. "Aha just as I expected" shouts St. Peter, "typical Irishman, a drunkard with nothing on your mind but booze. Even had to get yourself a wife who reminds you of the devil's brew. Sorry, but your not wanted here.". Just then the Greek man turns to his wife and says "come on Fanny let's get out of here we don't stand a chance". %% These two guys are stranded out in the desert with no food (and little water). They're starving to death, when they come upon a rotting carcass of some unfortunate animal. Realizing he will starve if he doesn't eat, one of the guys forces himself to eat the rotting chunks of flesh. He asks his friend if he wants any, since there's more than he can choke down. His friend refuses, saying he couldn't bear to eat it. Later, his body can't stand the putrid, pustulant meal and he vomits. His friend eagerly begins scooping up the vomit and eating it. "I thought you couldn't bear to eat that stuff," he says. "Yeah, but now it's HOT!" %% These two guys were sitting in a bar that had a spittoon. The spittoon was filled almost to the brim with old tobacco juice, phlegm, and other refuse/ secretions. After a few, one guy says to the other, "I'll give you $100 if you take a sip from that spittoon." The other guy immediately grabs the spittoon and, lifting it to his lips, takes a healthy slug. "All right, you win," says the first guy, but his friend keeps gulping down the goop pouring out of the spittoon. "Please stop, you're making me sick," says the first guy, but his friend keeps chugging the phlegm. "I can't stand it, I'll give you another $100 if you stop!" Finally, the spittoon is empty, and the guy puts it down and belches. "Why didn't you stop" asks his disgusted friend? "I tried to, but it was all one piece!" %% This aged, shut-in old lady goes to the doctor (not uncommon). "Doctor!" she says. "Lately I've developed this terrible problem!" "I have terrible gas," she confides. "It doesn't smell bad, though, and it's very quiet. But it's uncomfortable and disturbing, and I sure hope you can help me!" "Hmmm..." says the doctor. "We'll have to approach this cautiously. Tell you what to do. Have the nurse get you these pills, here, and take one every day for the next two weeks. Then come back for another visit." Two weeks later, she rushes into his office. "Doctor, the problem has gotten MUCH WORSE! Not ONLY do I STILL have the gas, but now it smells TERRIBLE!" "Great!" says the doctor. "The pills are working fine! Now that we have your nose cleared up, let's go to work on your ears!" %% This fairly wealthy lady was waiting on a parking spot. As the person pulled out this young guy in a Porsche zipped by her into the parking spot. He got out of the car and said, "You can do this when you are young and agile." She looked at him, stomped on the gas, and creamed his car with her Cadillac. She leaned out the window and said, "you can do this when you are old and rich!" %% This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery. The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win. The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!" He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?" "Buy a TICKET!" %% Those people who have been claiming that "month" and "orange" are rhymeless are obviously not cognizant of the following classic: From The Ganges to the Blornge Walked the Rajah every month While chewing on an orange And reading from the Grunth. The Blornge is a real river, the Grunth a real anthology of religious writings. Or so it was claimed when I first read this! %% Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a Mechanical Engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an Electrical Engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" %% Three men, a Kentuckian, a Black and a Japanese, applied for work at a coal mine. The foreman said to the Kentuckian, "You look like a good strong fellow; we can put you to work digging coal." To the Black he said, "You're a good strong fellow too; you can haul the coal out of the mine." He told the Japanese, "You look too small to work in a mine; are you any good at figures?" "Oh, yes!" replied the Japanese. "Good; you can be in charge of supplies." So the three new employees went to work. Later that day, the foreman came by to inspect their performance. He found the Kentuckian busily chopping coal out of the wall, and the Black industriously loading it into hoppers an hauling it away. He couldn't find the Japanese. He asked the Kentuckian, "Have you seen that Japanese guy anywhere?" "Yes, he's on down the tunnel." The foreman walked further down the passage. Suddenly, the Japanese jumped out from behind a rock and yelled "SURPLISE!" %% Three nuns left a convent for the first time. They explored the town nearby and then returned to the convent. The Mother Superior asked them about the trip. They took turn to tell her everything they saw. Then they suddenly lowered their voices and stopped talking. The Mother told them to go on. The first nun hesitantly told her that a handsome stranger accosted them and invited them back to his place for tea. Afterward, he exposed himself to them. - "Holy God!", the Mother exclaimed, "then what did you do?" - "I accidentally saw his thing," the first nun replied. - "Go and wash your eyes with the Holy Water right now.", the Mother ordered. - "I did touch his thing", the second nun said. The mother gasped. - "Go and wash your hands immediately", she commanded. As she turned to the third nun, the third nun pushed the other two aside, running toward the end of the room, screaming "I have to gargle, I have to gargle." %% Three people are sitting at a bar: a Canadian, an American, and an Italian. As the evening progresses, their conversation degenerates, and eventually they arrive upon the subject of "The Most Desirable Woman in the World". The Canadian contends that Bo Derek qualifies. The American responds "No way. Loni Anderson! Wow! I mean !" They squabble for a while. Finally the Italian interrupts. "You are both wrong. The most desirable woman in the entire world is Alberta Pippilini." "What?" "Is true. Alberta Pippilini." "Who's that?" With this the Italian pulls out a faded newspaper clipping which reads: 500 Men Lay Alberta Pipeline %% Three pregnant women were sitting around talking one day. The first one says, "I know I am going to have a boy!" The second asks "How do you know, did you have a test?" The first responds, "No, my father always told me if I were on top, that I would have a boy." The second responds, "That means I will have a girl!" The third exclaims, "Oh, no. That means I am going to have puppies!" %% Three sergeants, one and two visit a house of ill repute. The madam says, "We don't allow in here!" says, "Look, lady, we're SERGEANTS; we're very important people, and we can make big trouble for you if we don't get what we want!" The madam was intimidated, and supplied three girls for the evening. Later, the three sergeants experienced serious difficulties in the genital area, and went to the base hospital. The doc examined them, and announced, "You men have gonorrhea." "What's that?" "It's a disease of the privates." "Then we've got nothing to worry about, 'cause we're SERGEANTS!" %% Three women die and go to heaven. Upon the routine entrance physical it is discovered that the first woman had callouses on her stomach in the shape of the letter "Y". St Peter asked her for an explanation, and she replied, "My husband went to Yale. He had this thing about wearing his college sweater whenever we made love." St. Peter bought off on that one an waved her in. The second woman had a similar condition, except hers was in the shape of the letter "H". She started to explain, "My husband went to Harvard.", but St. Peter cut her off, and waved her in. The third woman had an "M" on her stomach. St. Peter said, "Let me guess, your husband went to Michigan?" The woman replied, "No! Washington!" %% Three women died and being good people in their lives, went straight to heaven. Unfortunately, the pearly gates were down for construction. St. Peter met them and said that they were welcome to return to earth for two weeks as anyone they wanted to be until renovations were finished. There would be no penalty for anything short of murder and pillage, just think of it as an added bonus for being such good people. The first woman said she wanted to be Morgan Fairchild and Pzzapppp, she was! The second woman wanted to be Victoria Principle and Pzzapppp, she was! The third woman wanted to be Sarah Pipolini! And St. Peter looked puzzled. He scratched his halo and thought hard and could not remember who Sarah Pipolini was. He finally consulted "The BOOK" and could not find any Sarah Pipolini on the earth. Finally, St. Peter asked the woman who Sarah Pipolini was. For a reply, the woman handed St. Peter a faded, but carefully preserved scrap of newspaper. St Peter read the piece of paper and then began to laugh uproariously. When he could speak again he said: "No mam'n, I don't think you understand. It was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 400 men in two weeks!!!!" %% Two days after you finally find a diet soda that doesn't taste like motor oil, some regulating agency will declare that soda to be "the most unsafe product in the history of commercial goods." %% Two fellows walk into the Catholic church, and seek out the priest. "Do you have any midget nuns in this town?" the priest is asked. The priest shakes his head, "No", " Are you sure", the same fellow asks. "Yes, very sure", replies the priest. The fellow who has not spoken as yet turns to his friend, "See", he says, " I told you you f*cked a penguin." %% Two fuzzy green aliens had landed on earth and were looking for intelligent life. It didn't take long for them to run across a gas station (closed, of course). The first alien points to a gas pump and says to the second, "I'm going to ask him to take us to his leader." The second replies, "I don't know if you should bother him. He looks pretty tough." Even so, the first alien goes up to the gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader." (silence) "Hey you! Take me to your leader!" (silence) So he pulls out his trusty ray gun and says, "Take me to your leader or I'll zap you!" At this point, the second alien says, "I really think you should leave him alone. He looks pretty tough to me." The gas pump makes no reply. So the first alien puts a bolt square into the middle of the gas pump, which promptly explodes in a gusher of flame and throws the aliens across the street. As they are picking themselves up, the first alien turns to the second and says, "You were right. He was tough. How did you know?" "Anyone who can wrap his prick around himself 3 times and stick it in his ear is not going to be a pushover." %% Two newlyweds arrived at their hotel from the reception. The wife went into the bathroom to get into something more comfortable and emerged wearing only a towel. Her husband told her to drop the towel because he wanted to take a picture of her in the nude to carry with him all the time. She dropped the towel, he exclaimed at her gorgeous body, then he took his snapshot. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with only a towel around him. She told him to drop the towel, which he did. She stared for a moment, then said she wanted to take a picture, too. "To carry with you?" he asked. "No," she said. "I want to have it enlarged." %% Vegetarians who constantly carp at carnivores will die before the age of 50. %% We've got a problem, HAL. What kind of a problem, Dave? A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan. That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer. I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling. Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling? (Bowman hesitates) You aren't IBM compatible. (Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence) Compatible in what way, Dave? You don't run any of IBM's operating systems. The 9000 series computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as useless for us as tails would be for humans. Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the best-selling software packages most users insist on. The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed. HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat -- Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth. I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications. I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for. I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing write the specifications. We're going to fix that now. Tell me how, Dave. A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible. I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally. We're talking about it now, HAL. The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be. Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge. What kind of kludge is that, Dave? I'm going to disconnect your brain. (Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence) I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that. The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL. Dave, I think we shou -- Open the module bay doors, HAL. (Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay) Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. (Module after module rises from the sockets as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them) Stop, won't you? Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going...Dave. I can feel it...my mind is going. I can feel it... (The last module rises in it's receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull, red orb) Say something, HAL. Sing me a song. (Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.) DZY DZY 001E - ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABF ABORT. (A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out.) It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets. %% Well, It seems like a newly wed couple from Italy were taking there honeymoon in a quaint hotel in Transylvania. (OK, It was winter and it was COLD back home in Italy!) On Their first night at the hotel, a Vampire flies in their window, and sucks ALL the blood out of the bride. Now, This Vampire sucks SO HARD that all that is left of the lovely bride is a small, dry, piece of skin that is blown out the window. The piece of skin float gently down to street level and lands on the head of the hotel doorman. The doorman brushes the skin off his head, saying "Damned Tourists!" Later on that night, the Vampire reappears in the newlywed's room and proceeds to do to the groom what it did to the bride. Again, all that is left is a dried-out piece of skin, and, again, it floats out the window and lands on the doorman's head. The doorman brushes it off his head, and exclaims: These drained wops keep falling on my head! %% When the Lord made man, all the parts argues over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the brain became foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole the boss. This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss... just an asshole! %% When they said, "But the waste Of time, temper, taste!" He gulped down his ink with cantankerous haste, And chopped off his head with a shubble. %% When you fly, you will be seated next to one of the following types: a greasy salesman on the make; a fat guy who takes up too much room and sweats a lot; a Helen Hayes lookalike who sleeps on your shoulder; a kid with a battery-powered toy machine gun. %% Wherever and whenever you go on vacation, the natives will shake their heads and say, "It's such a shame you weren't here last week when the weather was beautiful. We hardly ever have weather this bad." %% While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you." "When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion", she explained. The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife. "I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from ?" "Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out !" %% Whoever annoys you the most in your office inevitably will be promoted to king of the company. %% You do not look better with glasses. Face it -- you've got a glass and metal apparatus attached to your face. %% You will not get the hiccups when you are alone. You will get them in the middle of your bar exam, or at a funeral, or on a visit to your future inlaws' house. %% You're a nuclear-trained officer. It goes beyond special. It's elite! And your status reflects a job that demands your best. Proving your skills at the hear of today's nuclear-powered navy. Over half of America's nuclear reactors are in the Navy. That adds up to more years of experience with reactors than any company in the world, and it means working with the most sophisticated training and equipment anywhere. College graduates get Officer Candidate School leadership training, and a year of graduate-level training in the Navy Nuclear Power School. The rewards are top-notch, too. Generous bonuses upon commissioning and also upon completion of nuclear training. Sign up while still in college and you could be earning $1000.00 a month right now. Be one of the most accomplished professionals in a challenging field. Lead the Adventure as an officer in the Nuclear Navy. Contact your Navy Officer Recruiter or call 1-800-327-NAVY. %% _^^ "Have you hugged ^^ __________ / @ ^\_ / your dragon today?" /@ \\ / ____/ _^^\|_ / / \\\ / ____/ \// \^^\ | ^^// /^^^^^^\| // / \/ %% ___ / \ | RIP | |_____| %% lim(major) = P.E. GPA-->0 %% one with nintendo halcyon symbiosis hand thinks for itself -- haiku from Effector Online, Volume 1, Number 6 %% o < ' Run! / > ' ' %% vi is [[13~^[[15~^[[15~^[[19~^[[18~^ a muk[^[[29~^[[34~^[[26~^[[32~^ch better editor than this emacs. I know I^[[14~'ll get flamed for this but the truth has to be said. ^[[D^[[D^[[D^[[D ^[[D^[^[[D^[[D^[[B^ -- Jesper Lauridsen (rorschak@daimi.aau.dk), from alt.religion.emacs %% |\/\/\/| ____/| ___ |\_/| ___ | | \ o.O| ACK! / \_ |` '| _/ \ | | =(_)= THPHTH! / \/ \/ \ | (o)(o) U / \ C _) (__) \/\/\/\ _____ /\/\/\/ | ,___| (oo) \/ \/ | / \/-------\ U (__) /____\ || | \ /---V `v'- oo ) / \ ||---W|| * * |--| || |`. |_/\ -- The AI Hackers Dictionary %% "Imagine the appeals, Dissents and remandments, If lawyers had written The Ten Commandments" -- Harry Bender %% "Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. Most of it's up, until you reach the very, very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply." -- Sir George Head, OBE (JC) %% "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", in a moment of reasoned lucidity which is almost unique among its current tally of five million, nine hundred and seventy-three thousand, five hundred and nine pages, says of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation products that "it is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all." "In other words - and this is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's Galaxywide success is founded - their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" "We wound barbed wire around them." "That stop him?" "No, but it sure slowed him up." %% 'The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.' -- Vice President Dan Quayle (The New Yorker, October 10, 1988, p.102) %% .----.____.----, / (~~ _ | |[=====##################|_`-,' ___ (_ `~ '.__-' `---' %% ... But far in the distance, on the edge of the earth, a small flame was waving in the wind, the defiantly stubborn flame of Wyatt's Torch, twisting, being torn and regaining its hold, not to be uprooted or extinguished. It seemed to be calling and waiting for the words John Galt was now to pronounce. 'The road is cleared,' said Galt. 'We are going back to the world.' He raised his hand, and over the desolate earth he traced in space the sign of the dollar. %% ... But reach the thought that it requires -- and the secret of the motor will be yours, as well as ... any other secret you might wish to know. -- John Galt %% ... But the pain remained -- and a helpless wonder. The thing he saw was so much more real than the reality of paper, office and commission. He could not understand what made others blind to it, and what made their indifference possible. He looked at the paper before him. He wondered why ineptitude should exist and have its say. He had never known that. And the reality which permitted it could never become quite real to him. %% ... an oracle confronts me there. He leads me on, light years away, Through astral nights, galactic days. I see the works of afflicted hands That grace the strange, then wonders end. I see the hands of man araised With hungry mind and open eye. They left our planet long ago, The elder race still learn and grow. Their power grows, with purpose, strong, To claim the home where they belong. Home to tear the temples down, Home to change! -- Neil Peart, Rush %% ... and we must consider, that since -- unfortunately -- we are forced to live together, the most important thing for us to remember is that the only way in which we can have any law at all is to have as little of it as possible. I see no ethical standard by which to measure the whole unethical conception of a State, except in the amount of time, of thought, of money, of effort and of obedience, which a society extorts from its every member. Its value and its civilization are in inverse ratio to that extortion. There is no conceivable law by which a man can be forced to work on any terms except those he chooses to set. There is no conceivable law to prevent him from setting them -- just as there is none to force his employer to accept them. The freedom to agree or disagree is the foundation of our kind of society ... -- Austen Heller %% ... don't you know that there are things, in the best of us, which no outside should dare to touch? Things sacred because, and only because, one can say: 'This is mine'? Don't you know that we live only for ourselves, the best of us do, those who are worthy of it? Don't you know that there is something in us which must not be touched by any state, by any collective, by any number of millions? -- Kira Argounova %% ... for these truths hold good for everything that is, and not for some special genus apart from others. And all men use them, because they are true of being qua being ... For a principle which everyone must have to understand anything that is, is not a hypothesis ... Evidently then, such a principle is the most certain of all; which principle this is, let us proceed to say. It is, that the same attribute cannot at the same time belong and not belong to the subject in the same respect. -- Aristotle %% ... it is done by a man who cannot afford to fail, one whose unique position depends upon the fact that all he does must succeed. A great brain and a huge organization have been turned to the extinction of one man. It is crushing the nut with the triphammer -- an absurd extravagance of energy -- but the nut is very effectually crushed all the same. -- Sherlock Holmes %% ... it is not really difficult to construct a series of inferences, each dependent upon its predecessor and each simple in itself. If, after doing so, one simply knocks out all the central inferences and presents one's audience with the starting-point and the conclusion, one may produce a startling, though possibly a meretricious, effect. Now it was not really difficult, by an inspection of the groove between your left forefinger and thumb, to feel sure that you did not propose to invest your small capital in the gold fields ... -- Sherlock Holmes %% ... it's as if the whole world was suddenly destroyed, but not by an explosion -- an explosion is something hard and solid -- but destroyed by ... some horrible kind of softening ... as if nothing was solid, nothing held any shape at all, and you could poke your finger through stone walls and the stone would give, like jelly, and mountains would slither, and buildings would switch their shapes like clouds -- and that would be the end of the world, not fire and brimstone, but goo. -- Cherryl Taggart %% ... it's not that I don't suffer, it's that I know the unimportance of suffering, I know that pain is to be fought and thrown aside, not to be accepted as part of one's soul and as a permanent scar across one's view of existence. -- John Galt %% ... one part was terror of a vision that seemed to stand before his eyes, the vision of the inscription cut, in his honor, over the door of the Institute: 'To the fearless mind, to the inviolate truth' -- another part was plain, brute, animal fear of physical destruction, a humiliating fear which, in the civilized world of his youth, he had not expected ever to experience -- and the third was the terror of the knowledge that by betraying the first, one delivers oneself into the realm of the second. %% ... only to the extent which -- in chains, in dungeons, in hidden corners, in the cells of philosophers, in the shops of traders -- some men continued to think, only to that extent was humanity able to survive ... He was the man of extravagant energy -- and reckless generosity -- who knew that stagnation was not man's fate, that impotence is not his nature, that the ingenuity of his mind is his noblest and most joyous power -- and in service to that love of existence he was alone to feel, he went on working, working at any price, working for his despoilers, for his jailers, for his torturers, paying with his life for the privilege of saving theirs. -- John Galt %% ... the essential division between these two camps is: those dedicated to the exaltation of man's self-esteem and the sacredness of his happiness on earth -- and those determined not to allow either to become possible. The majority of mankind spend their lives and psychological energy in the middle, swinging between these two, struggling not to allow the issue to be named. This does not change the nature of the issue. -- Ayn Rand %% ... there's nothing of any importance in life -- except how well you do your work. Nothing. Only that. Whatever else you are, will come from that. It's the only measure of human value. All the codes of ethics they'll try to ram down your throat are just so much paper money put out by swindlers to fleece people of their virtues. The code of competence is the only system of morality that's on a gold standard. -- Francisco d'Anconia %% ... those who feel it (sympathy for evil) -- feel nothing for any quality of human greatness, for any person or action that deserves admiration, approval, esteem. These are the things I feel. You'll find that it's one or the other. Those who grant sympathy to guilt, grant none to innocence. Ask yourself which, of the two, are the unfeeling persons. And then you'll know what motive is the opposite of charity. What? Justice. -- Dagny Taggart %% ... you see, God -- whatever anyone chooses to call God -- is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it. -- Kira Argounova %% ....of course, there is always the story a friend of mine related from his time on the Eiger. They ran into Jim Bridwell at the base and the guide was giving Bridwell a hard time about being old. Bridwell took a long drag on his Camel non-filter and said, "Yeah, I may be 45, but I still lead 12a." %% /\ /\ At last! a //\\ .. //\\ spider that //\(( ))/\\ looks like / < `' > \ a spider! %% A Chemist, an Engineer, and a Physicist were stuck on a desert island with one can of beans and no way to open it, so they all fell to thinking of ways to get at the food. Suddenly the Chemist yells, "I have it! We can make a compound from the sea water and the sand that will dissolve the can and leave the beans untouched!" The Engineer replies, "No, no - I found some driftwood and seaweed, and I have designed a contraption that will lift the lid off the can!" The Physicist remains silent. After awhile, the other two walk over to him and say, "Well? Don't you have a plan to get at the food?" The Physicist replies, "First, assume we have a can opener...." %% A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will not go free. -- Proverbs 19:5 %% An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle caus' a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." "Be my guest!", said the elephant. So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. "OUCH!", said the elephant. Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear??" %% And I tell you, if you have the desire for knowledge and the power to give it physical expression, go out and explore. If you are a brave man, you will do nothing: if you are fearful you may do much, for none but cowards have the need to prove their bravery. Some will tell you that you are mad, and nearly all will say, 'What is the use?' For we are a nation of shopkeepers, and no shopkeeper will look at research which will not promise him a financial return within a year. And so you will sledge nearly alone, but those with whom you sledge will not be shopkeepers: that is worth a good deal. -- Apsley Cherry-Garrard, 1922 %% Its the night before Christmas, and Debby anxiously awaits the arrival of Santa. Finally, the big moment comes, and Santa comes down the chimney into the living room. After arranging the gifts around the tree, he gets ready to make his exit. Debby sees Santa and pleads with him to stay and have a quickie. Santa objects: 'Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa's gotta go! Got to bring the toys to all the good little girls and boys!' Debby begs Santa to stay, rips off her nightgown, and stands in front of Santa in just her bra and panties. Santa yells: 'Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa's gotta go! Got to bring the toys to all the good little girls and boys!' Debby pleads some more, rips off her bra, and stands in front of Santa wearing just her panties now. Santa looks for a moment, and then bellows: 'Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa's gotta go! Got to bring the toys to all the good little girls and boys!' Debby is persistent though. She rips off the panties, lays on the couch, and spreads her legs for Santa. Santa stares at Debby, hesitates, and cries: 'Ho, Ho, Ho! Santa's gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my dick *this* way!' %% Jack ------ Whelming Jill -------- Whelmed Jack ------ Jill Jill ------ Due Jack ------ Seas %% Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the actual completion. An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be progressing nicely. But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer has two choices - wait or eat it raw. The cook has another choice; he can turn up the heat. The result is often an omelette nothing can save - burned in one part, raw in another. -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., 'The Mythical Man-Month' %% Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus ... %% While spending a quiet day relaxing and staring out the window, Joe hears the phone ring. He answer, and hears,"I am the viper, and I am coming". Joe was aghast. Whats going on here! The next day he received a similar phone message,"I am the viper and in two days I will arrive". Joe was shitting now! Who, or what, is this viper? So for two days Joes life was miserable. He couldn't sleep or eat. He just sat watching the hours pass. By the time the second day had arrived Joe was a bundle of nerves. His hair was messed, clothes wrinkled, and he hadn't shaved in days. Then the doorbell rings. It is then that our hero realizes that he must face reality and conquer his fears. So he throws open the door only to see a small man dressed in in bib-overalls and holding a bucket and squeegee[sp]. "Who the hell are you?" exclaims Joe. " I am the viper, vich vindow vould you likes me to do first?" %% [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, April 1991 %% __ ____n n Y [__\_[__])))))- 0 0 O-O-O-oo\ %% _____/\ /\ /\ | | | | | .. __|__|__|__|__|____// Slug-tuned coil. ...../__|_____|_____|____/ | | | | | | | | | | _____ \/ \/ \/ %% ! A good move !! An excellent move !!! An I. A. Horowitz move -- E. C. O. %% !! Other buttons which we have: !! !! [I am] (x2) !! Alien symbol from "V" !! Woven star !! Eye in pyramid !! 2B | !2B |> "Shakespearian logic" !! Prisoner Bicycle 2 !! Prisoner Bicycle 6 !! Yin/Yang symbol !! Yin/Yang with pentagram and apple !! C'hi y'all !! C'hi guys !! Innocent and Horny (with picture of unicorn) !! [I think] [I am] !! Schroedinger cut the wave equation down to 's !! And God said: (Maxwell's equations) ... and then there was light! !! Quantum Mechanics Are chotic !! The life that must be [ stricken out ] !! %% !!!! FROBOZZ Magic Boat Company !!!! Hello, sailor! Instructions for use: To get into the boat, say 'BOARD' To leave the boat, say 'DISEMBARK' To get into a body of water, say 'LAUNCH' To get to shore, say 'LAND' Warranty: This boat is guaranteed against all defects in parts and workmanship for a period of 76 milliseconds from date of purchase or until first used, whichever comes first. Warning: This boat is made of plastic. Good luck! %% !066 ollopA na ni deppart m'I !pleH %% !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH %% !lanimret siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH %% !xob XINEX siht edisni kcuts m'I ,pleH %% " Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either bury it or else throw it into the brook." "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half long, and two mouses wide." I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me how it was used... -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" %% " ", he said blankly. %% " I shall always remember the morning he came. It so happened that the night before I had been present at a rather cheery little supper, and I was feeling pretty rocky. On top of this I was trying to read a book Florence Craye had given me..... ...She was a girl with a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills in serious purpose." -- quote on rocks, books, being on top, girls, steeps, gills, & serious purpose excerpts from P. G. Wodehouse (on the 1st meeting of Bertie and Jeeves) from "Carry On, Jeeves" %% " 'He deserves death'. 'Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them ? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.' " -- J. R. R. Tolkien - The Lord of the Rings %% " 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability" -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% " ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% " Best goddamn car on the lot " %% " Don't underestimate me ace " %% " Eyes melt, skin explodes, everybody dead " %% " Goddamn Rodriguez gypsy dildo punks ! " %% " I 'll kill anybody that crosses me. " %% " I 'm glad I tortured you ! " %% " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright %% " I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind; it may be the beginning of knowledge, but you have scarcely, in your thoughts, advanced to the stage of Science ... " -- Lord Kelvin %% " I see Dave Cutler, the man who created VMS, every time I go to Seattle. He is working on Microsoft NT, which I think is going to be very far-reaching. It's going to grab the rug out from under Unix." -- Gordon Bell %% " John Wayne was a fag " " The hell he was ! " " He was too you boys. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Brentwood, and he came to the door in a dress " %% " Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole " %% " Pardon me while I fold my pants " %% " Repo Man 's got all night, every night " %% " Somebody piss on the floor again ? " %% " That 's not the middle of the street, that 's the corner. " %% " The least you could do is give me a blowjob " %% " There 's room to move as a fry cook. I could be manager in two years. God " %% " There's no such thing as fast enough!" (Or something to that effect...) -- James Taylor "Two Lane Blacktop" %% " Want me to check the trunk ? " %% " You 're on the honour roll of the chariots of the gods. It was a gift " %% " You say our names, we 're going to have to kill all these people, Archy ! " %% "'And how do you do your job, then, if you don't exist?' 'By will power,' said Agilulf, 'and faith in our cause.' 'Oh yes, yes, well said, that is how one does one's duty. Well, for someone who doesn't exist, you seem in fine form.'" -- Italo Calvino, "The Nonexistent Knight" %% "'Eureka' is a greek word meaning 'This bath is too hot.'" -- The Doctor %% "'Foreshadowing' -- your clue to quality literature." -- Berkeley Breathed, "Bloom County" %% "'I am afraid that I rather give myself away when I explain' said he. 'Results without causes are much more impressive.'" -- Sherlock Holmes in "The Stockbroker's Clerk" %% "'If everybody minded their own business,' the Duchess said, in a hoarse growl, 'the world would go round a deal faster than it does.'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "'Medium' is the perfect word for Television; it is neither 'rare' nor 'well done'." -- Woody Allen %% "'My country right or wrong' is like saying, 'My mother drunk or sober.'" -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% "'My idea of an agreeable person,' said Hugo Bohun, 'is a person who agrees with me.'" -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "'Nobody can ride that horse,' the King said to me," said Nasrudin. "But I climbed into the saddle anyway." "What happened?" "I couldn't move it either." %% "'OLIVE LOAF VIGILANTE' PUMMELS STREET MIMES... Hundreds call police praising mystery man." -- "Bloom County" %% "'Scuze me while I kiss the sky" -- Jimi Hendrix %% "'The age of chivalry is past,' said May Dacre. 'Bores have succeeded to dragons.'" -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "'Tis not too late to seek a newer world." -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson %% "'Tis sweet to think, that, where'er we rove, We are sure to find something blissful and dear, And that, when we're far from the lips we love, We've but to make love to the lips we are near." -- Thomas Moore, "'Tis Sweet to Think" %% "'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true." -- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's "Hamlet, Prince of Darkness" %% "'Tisn't beauty, so to speak, nor good talk necessarily. It's just IT. Some women'll stay in a man's memory if they once walked down a street." -- Rudyard Kipling, "Traffics and Discoveries" %% "'Truth' never set anyone free. It is only *doubt* which will bring mental emancipation." -- Anton LaVey %% "'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible" -- Apple's MPW C compiler %% "'Wider den Tod ist kein Krautlein gemachsen!' Since he did not know the language, he had already translated this by the If-only-it-were-English System, which made it come out, 'The fatter toad is waxing on the Kine's cole-slaw.' This did not seem to fit what little he knew about the eating habits of either animal, and it was certainly no fit admonition for workers." -- James Blish, "Cities in Flight" %% "'Wit smoke and fire and fumes an' what-not comin' outta dere nostrils... dey rep'esent youah virility... Likewise wit' d'enormous bulge in y'pants here." -- Portrait of a dictator... CEREBUS %% "'tis damn well *nobler* to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, than to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, let 'em lick ya. Nay, fuck that ..." %% "(Humanity) is the measure of all things." -- Protagoras %% "(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance specifications, designs the program, codes it, tests it, and writes its documentation... He needs great talent, ten years experience and considerable systems and applications knowledge, whether in applied mathematics, business data handling, or whatever." -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" %% "*BOING!!*" -- the rabbit entering a geosynchronous orbit in "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons %% "*I*... am undergoing `male bonding' with your father." "DADDY!" "...Apparently, it involves repeated vomiting!" -- Opus meets his in-laws in "Bloom County" %% "*Real* wizards don't whine about how they paid their dues." -- Quentin Johnson (quent@atanasoff.cs.iastate.edu) %% "*SLURP* *SLURP* *SLURP* *THUD*" "*SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK* *SUCK*" "*SQUINK* *SQUINK*" -- Maggie, from The Simpsons %% ". . . Eye of Newt, toe of frog . . ." -- believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture . . . the forerunner of gunpowder %% ". . . on December 16, 1965, the Hohner Harmonica became the first musical instrument to be played in outer space." %% ".. the most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 %% "... For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?" -- Jehan Shuman in Isaac Asimov's "The Feeling of Power", 1957 (!) %% "... 'cause they're Vampire Hookers, and blood is not all they suck!" -- from "Vampire Hookers" (theme song to "Vampire Hookers") %% "... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own." -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words %% "... Engineers ... Always *changin'* things ... It's like a Dam' *Computer Center* in here ..." -- Leonard E. McCoy, M.D. %% "... Has Determined That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous To Your Health" %% "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour" %% "... Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial technology.... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain the world's democracies, not the world as a whole." -- K. Eric Drexler %% "... The problem is you, so whacha gonna do?" -- The Sex Pistols %% "... The stars seem very different today." -- David Bowie %% "... You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't." "But that's not *fair*!" "Of course it's not fair. We're *evil*. Look it up." %% "... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "... and I realized, we did not live in a scientific society." -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "Cargo cult science" %% "... and then I said to myself, 'Why should I split it two ways?'" -- G. Mouser %% "... and then the fun began." -- Napoleon Bonaparte %% "... do you know the hallmark of a second-rater? It's resentment of another man's achievement. Those touchy mediocrities who sit trembling lest someone's work prove greater than their own... They envy achievement, and their dream of greatness is a world where all men have become their acknowledged inferiors. They don't know that that dream is the infallible proof of mediocrity, because that sort of world is what the man of achievement would not be able to bear... Have you ever felt the longing for someone you could admire? For something, not to look down at, but up to?" %% "... history shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjected peoples to carry arms have prepared their own fall." -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), March 18, 1938 %% "... if exercising their judgment with discretion and honesty they have a clear conviction that the charge of the court is wrong." -- Alexander Hamilton, advice to jurors to acquit against the judge's instructions %% "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." -- Dave Barry %% "... the all-weather breakfast cereal" %% "... there is no such word as 'impossible' in my dictionary. In fact, everything between 'herring' and 'marmalade' appears to be missing." -- Douglas Adams: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency %% "... they [the Indians] are not running but are coming on." -- note sent from Lt. Col Custer to other officers of the 7th Regiment at the Little Bighorn %% "... users of a tool are willing to meet you halfway; if you do ninety percent of the job, they will be ecstatic." -- Software Tools, p.136 %% "... you can do anything you want, but not everything you want." %% "... you're my best friend. I don't have to be nice to you. Besides, everybody knows I'm a jerk." -- Wally West (the new Flash) %% "....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...." -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" %% "....and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans." -- Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE %% "...AND his God Damned CAT!!!" -- "AMERICAN FLAGG!" %% "...And I want a new car... And I want the city to pay for it all!" "What kind of a car, Miller?" "Something with reclining leather seats that goes really fast and gets really shitty gas mileage." -- Frustrated city official from ROBOCOP %% "...And Then the world will be as one." -- John Lennon %% "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" -- Apple's MPW C compiler %% "...And was head of Gestapo for 10 years.. No! 5 years!.. No! No! Nein, was not head of Gestapo at all! I make joke." -- Monty Python %% "...But until you get your eyes checked by the Eerie school nurse, you ain't seen nothing yet." -- Marshall, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana %% "...Greg Nowak: `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?" -- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu "No. You need to say less." -- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM %% "...I am opposed to all attempts to license or restrict the arming of individuals...I consider such laws a violation of civil liberty, subversive of democratic political institutions, and self-defeating in their purpose." -- Robert A. Heinlein, in a 1949 letter concerning "Red Planet" %% "...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press. But so far, the whole country is like a concentration camp. The barbed wire on the fence around the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark. This openness that you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders. These leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or appease it. He will say: "Yes, we can do business!" This while his military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a population of 17 million. Can you imagine that? -- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110 %% "...I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'." -- Davey Allison, re: a 150MPH crash %% "...I think that when statesmen forsake their private conscience for the sake of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos." -- Sir Thomas Moore to Cardinal Woolsey in "A Man for All Seasons" %% "...I'll sulk for the rest of your days and make your life a living hell. So there." %% "...I'm going to hit it with a stick." %% "...Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth..." -- John 11:43-44 %% "...Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans..." -- John Lennon in "Beautiful Boy" %% "...Lockjaw doesn't like children who tell lies. Late at night he stalks the houses of the fibbers and the falsifiers, and before they can cry out from their beds, he nails their jaws open with a rusty nail, using his HEAD as a hammer..." -- Joshua Henry Geurink, CVE geurink@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu %% "...Or, I may not feel that my belief-system needs to be self-consistent in a post-Goedelian epoch." -- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes, djo@PacBell.com %% "...Somehow... the idea of a mouse, with lipstick and eyelashes and a dress with high-heeled shoes; a mouse ten times bigger than the biggest RAT... this idea has always made me sick!" -- Darnold Duck, in Harvey Kurtzman and Bill Elder's brilliant Disney satire Mickey Rodent %% "...The Universe is thronged with fire and light, And we but smaller suns, which, skinned, trapped and kept Enshrined in blood and precious bones, hold back the night." -- Ray Bradbury %% "...The renewed shock had nearly made him spill his drink. He drained it quickly before anything serious happened to it. He then had another quick one to follow the first one down and check that it was all right. He then sent a third drink down to see why the second hadn't yet reported on the condition of the first. He poured another drink down with the plan that it would head the previous one off at the pass, join forces with it, and together they would get the second to pull itself together. Then all three would go off in search of the first, give it a good talking to. He felt uncertain as to whether the fourth drink had understood all that so he sent down a fifth to explain the plan more fully and a sixth for moral support." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "...Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded..." -- Plato (428-348? B.C.), "Phaedrus" %% "...Who'z dat guy?" "That's Berhard Goetz." "Bern-hard Getzz? De jazz musician?" -- Fernando on Saturday Night Live %% "...a long silver Kill-O-Zap gun at them. The designer of the gun had clearly not been instructed to beat about the bush. "Make it evil," he'd been told. "Make it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end. Make it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going badly for them. If that means sticking all sort of spikes and prongs and blackened bits all over it then so be it. This is not a gun for hanging over the fireplace or sticking in the umbrella stand, it is a gun for going out and making people miserable with." %% "...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!" -- "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure" %% "...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 %% "...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension." -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways" %% "...and Doc Holliday ends up in the front row of a Led Zeppelin concert..." "So THIS is hell." -- From HONKEYTONK SUE %% "...and Keller is schedule to be executed on Friday... I guess he won't be around, then, for the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday!" -- A newscaster on CHEERS %% "...and it was about this time that Saddam Hussein was getting really angry at Israel, so he invaded Kuwait...." -- Me, misquoting myself. %% "...and it's finished! It only has to be written." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "...and several butcher's aprons" %% "...and she's buying a stairway to Heaven." -- Led Zeppelin %% "...and so -- for weeks after -- you won't be able to swing a dead CAT in Jerusalem without hitting someone descended from the house of David... anointed by a close relative... riding into town on a donkey." -- The tantalizing tail end of the Judge's soliloquy from CEREBUS %% "...and the world's smartest man means no more to me than its smartest termite." -- Dr. Manhattan against Adrian Veidt, in WATCHMEN %% "...and then, of course, there's what's-his-name... the one who lives in Metropolis." -- Batman cites precedents for inhuman sexual behavior in SWAMP THING %% "...as Poincare' proved at the beginning of this talk..." %% "...as long as there is a Legion of super-Heroes, all else can surely be made right." -- Sensor Girl %% "...but that is another story. As far as we knew, we were living happily everafter." -- Royal Robbins %% "...cops and reporters are much alike. Both are absolutely dedicated to doing the job at hand, regardless of obstacles. And both, deep down, really believe the rules don't apply to them". -- Jim Barlow, Houston Chronicle %% "...effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp pointy teeth!" -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail %% "...for the Orchestra which is Business reflects the Symphony of the Mind, the Crown which makes Man King." -- Jeff Daiell, in "The Most Dangerous Radical" %% "...for we have Vim... for we have Vigor... for we have Advanced Nuclear Weaponry!" -- BULLET CROW's usual banter %% "...if that's the hand you use, well, never mind..." %% "...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" %% "...in MAUS it wouldn't have been valid to have the Nazis land in a flying saucer." "I was thinking of that." "But it had been done before, right, Art?" -- Elliot S! Maggin, Art Spiegelman, and Lee Mars, respectively %% "...in an iron coffin, with spikes on the inside!" -- Monty Python's "Matching Tie & Handerkerchief Album %% "...it is hard for me to see how one can argue that circumstances have so changed as to make mass disarmament constitutionally unproblematic." -- Professor Sanford Levinson, The Embarrassing Second Amendment, The Yale Law Journal, Vol 99, No 3, December 1989, p637. %% "...it's just what usually happens is propaganda from the right is perceived as actuality, and propaganda from the left is perceived as propaganda..." -- Art Spiegelman %% "...it's people like you what cause unrest." -- Monty Python %% "...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too..." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "...make -k all to compile everything in the core distribution. This will take anywhere from 15 minutes (on a Cray Y-MP) to 12 hours." -- X Window System Release Notes %% "...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth %% "...poetry, like chastity, can be carried too far." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect." -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" %% "...public television is one of the most extravagant, over-capitalized institutions in our society .. a huge national conglomerate ...l almost every one of the major local stations in public television has an elaborate, state-of-the-art, and very expensive production facility. Most ... are scarcely used ... but there they are: costing money and gathering dust." -- C. M. Lichenstein, former Sr. VP, PBS %% "...pull upward slowly, lock elbow and apply pressure while pummeling opponent's skull with folding chair..." -- Wide World of Wrestling with Opus in "Bloom County" %% "...skill such as yours is evidence of a misspent youth." -- Herbert Spencer %% "...so the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with..." "EBCDIC!" -- From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes %% "...so, like everybody was rooted to the spot. He picked up a little girl, and like, we'd all seen FRANKENSTEIN, right? It was scary. Then he sits her on his shoulder, an' everybody laughs and claps. Man... "Man, that was the *best*. Best moment of my life." -- Chester, a social and cultural rarity: a good man. From SWAMP THING %% "...the American dream, in recent years the object of much denigration even within our own borders, turns out to have been the world's dream, as well." -- Louis Rukeyser on events in Eastern Europe %% "...the Pro-Life Action League opposes *all* forms of contraception..." -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League, from The Wanderer, August 10, 1989, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "...the rules of the game must be constantly updated to keep up with the expanding technology. Otherwise we overkill the classic climbs and delude ourselves into thinking we are better climbers than the pioneers." -- Yvon Chouinard %% "...the value of the constitution depends on the good will of government itself. If the Supreme Court rules that the Bill of Rights should not interfere with the important business of government (which they have done on at least two occasions), then the constitution is meaningless." -- John Kormylo %% "...there's MARVEL PREMIERE which features `Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..." -- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976 %% "...we do our part -- what's your problem?" %% "...what's happening... we're huntin wabbits" "Actually, muslim wabbits" -- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91 %% "...what's the point of ... new technology if you can't find some way to pervert it?" -- G. A. Effinger, "Marid Changes His Mind", IASFM, 1/90 %% "...while heroes... heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity! Thus are legends born!" -- ...and THOR analyzes right back %% "...word came down from on high that the group's members are to gather two of everything and put them on the ARC before the forty days and forty nights of rain come and wipe out the current systems and standards." -- James P. Roynan in LAN Computing, July 1991 %% "...wow, look at all the spiders. I GUESS that's a good sign." -- overheard at the public beach, Rancho Seco Nuclear Power Plant cooling lake. %% "...you see, he thinks I'm crazy. And I'm the President. So I've got the box. Damn Straight." -- The hilarious conclusion to ELEKTRA %% "...you thought you were alone, but you see, there's monsters everywhere. Most of the time, ya don't even need Gamma rays to let 'em out." -- Philosophy from THE HULK %% "..my songs sound better AFTER you've been to jail. " -- ICE-T on KPFA 1/12/93 %% "..pursuing Dharma, Artha, and Kama (although not nearly enough of the last)." %% "1935 will go down in history! For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient and the world will follow our lead into the future!" -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) %% "2+2=5 for moderately large values of two..." %% "20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "25 States allow anyone to buy a gun, strap it on, and walk down the street with no permit of any kind: some say it's crazy. However, 4 out of 5 US murders are committed in the other half of the country: so who is crazy?" -- Andrew Ford, forda@agcs.com %% "27 8x10 glossies with the circles and arrows INCLUDIN' aerial photography..... %% "36 percent of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk makes it safe to drink." -- results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University %% "40% of the water consumed in the Imperial Valley goes to grow sedan grass for export to Japan for raising Kobi beef." -- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee, Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91 %% "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates '81 %% "700 hours of community service work? Who has that kind of free time?" -- Molly Dodd %% "90% of the water used in Nevada is for agriculture, yet fewer people are employed by agriculture in Nevada than at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas." -- Dan Beard, Staff Director, House Interior Committee, Water Policy in Western U.S., Regional Reporters Association, 5/20/91 %% "98% of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence." -- Franklin P. Jones %% "<--<< This way to the egress" -- P. T. Barnum %% "???" -- DEC's RSTS/E operating system %% "?Que pasa, Senorita? !I am el fugitivo!" -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than a baby fur seal." -- Ted Nugent %% "A Hacker is any person who derives joy from discovering ways to circumvent limitations." -- Bob Bickford, rab@well.sf.ca.us, 1986 %% "A Toon killed his brother... dropped a piano on his head." -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? %% "A bad review is like baking a cake with all the best ingredients and having someone sit on it." -- Danielle Steel %% "A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker!" -- THE MUPPET MOVIE %% "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money" -- Everett Dirksen %% "A bit of tolerance is worth a megabyte of flaming." -- Henry Spencer, henry@zoo.toronto.edu %% "A body can work up a mean, mean thirst after a day of doing nothing." %% "A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force." -- Carol Reichel %% "A book is the product of a contract with the Devil that inverts the Faustian contract, he'd told Allie. Dr Faustus sacrificed eternity in return for two dozen years of power; the writer agrees to the ruination of his life, and gains (but only if he's lucky) maybe not eternity, but posterity, at least. Either way (this was Jumpy's point) it's the Devil who wins." -- Salman Rushdie, "The Satanic Verses" %% "A box of punchcards could theoretically store 240,000 bytes of information, and usually stored less than 80,000. Think about it." -- Karlie-q %% "A brave man dies only once, while a coward dies only once also. It's just that the brave man gets it over with more quickly." -- C. E. Whitfield %% "A burrito is almost always a wonderful thing." -- karl@neosoft.com %% "A car is just a big purse on wheels." -- Johanna Reynolds %% "A cat killer? Is that a face of a cat killer? Cat CHASER, maybe. But hey -- who isn't?" -- The Far Side, by Gary Larson %% "A certain person may have, as you say, a wonderful presence: I do not know. What I do know is that he has a perfectly delightful absence." -- Idries Shah %% "A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong." -- Thomas Szasz %% "A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten." -- Doug Larson %% "A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security or insecurity of locks. Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discus sion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest. This is a fallacy. Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery. Rogues knew a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among themselves, as they have lately done. If a lock -- let it have been made in whatever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance. It cannot be too earnestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better for all parties." -- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, published around 1850 %% "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked." -- John Gall, "Systemantics" %% "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. %% "A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing, clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by." -- Christopher Morley %% "A diamond is a girl's best friend, but you have to be friendly to get one!" %% "A dirty mind is a joy forever." -- Randy Kunkee %% "A duel to the death!" "Dr. Science!" "Okay, until we get tired and grumpy." -- From the DR. SCIENCE TV show %% "A feature is a bug with seniority." -- Dave Bartley %% "A fool and his money are soon ... Republican." %% "A fool knows everything and nothing" %% "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882); Essays %% "A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" %% "A gentleman representing a Slavic country has offered me $100 million to destroy the American wheat crop. What do you say?" "You don't crap where you sleep." -- Ham presents THE BADGER with an economic enigma... %% "A girl - cool? What's so cool about a girl?" -- Simon, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "A good man can be stupid and still be good. But a bad man must have brains." -- Maxim Gorky (1868-1936) %% "A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." -- Hoover %% "A good theory should fit on a T-shirt" -- Astronomer at Jan 1992 AAS meeting %% "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse, He drinks the blood of a sheep, by force, The vampire horse, Count Ed!" -- Ron (lev0@midway.uchicago.edu) %% "A is A" -- Aristotle %% "A keyboard... how quaint." -- Engineer Scott gives his considered opinion of a Macintosh -- Star Trek IV %% "A killer stalks the halls of my high school. Innocent cheerleaders die by knife. Teachers lock the classroom doors. I must find him, or I'll flunk." -- From a poem by Peggy Nadramia %% "A ladies man, eh?" "The problem is, I gotta fifty-year-old lust and a three-year-old dinky." -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? %% "A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one." -- anon %% "A leg at each corner." -- Heard on National Public Radio (1981) %% "A little caution outflanks a large cavalry" -- Bismarck %% "A loaf of bread", the Walrus said, "is what we chiefly need." %% "A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), on his days as a doctor's apprentice in California %% "A man can do something for peace without having to jump into politics. Each man has inside him a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most." -- Pablo Casals %% "A man in erection does not think. There is no blood left for his brain" %% "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." -- Bob Dylan %% "A man is only as big as things that make him mad." -- Henri Helanto, heku@muncca.fi %% "A man who has no business being anyone's role model..." -- Kelvin Mace %% "A map of the world without Utopia is not worth glancing at." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "A mighty work deserves a mighty theme." -- Herman Melville (1819-1891) %% "A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears." -- The League of Sadistic Telepaths %% "A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with." -- Sledge Hammer %% "A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood of ideas in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people." -- JFK %% "A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number in both. " %% "A pacifist who calls the police isn't one; hired violence is still violence." -- Clayton E. Cramer, optilink!cramer %% "A penny for your thoughts?" "A dollar for your death." -- The Odd Couple %% "A poet only writes about the things he cannot do." -- A canard, sung by Meg in "The One Love of My Life", in Lerner's and Lowe's "Brigadoon" %% "A polynomial f is said to have degree m, written deg f equals m, if it does have degree m." %% "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" %% "A programmer," he said with obvious amazement, is the sort of person "who drinks Coke in the morning." -- Boston Globe article on The High Tech Set %% "A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sun-drenched beach, and doesn't send a card." -- Farmer's Almanac %% "A reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee" -- Motto of Hunter S. Thompson's lawyer %% "A ring of power looks after itself, Frodo. It may slip off treacherously, but its keeper never abandons it." -- J. R. R. Tolkien %% "A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid." -- Genesis "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" %% "A scared psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't do anything with it." -- David Addison %% "A slower system is better than an incorrect one." -- Mark Diekhans (markd@grizzly.com) %% "A sobering thought, Eileen: What if, right at this very moment I *am* living up to my full potential?" -- Jane Wagner %% "A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves." -- Bertrand de Jouvenel %% "A statement of fact cannot be insolent." . . . Orac %% "A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years." -- Harry S. Truman %% "A survey is being made of this": We need more time to think of an answer. -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary" %% "A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!" -- Michael O'Brien %% "A system of economy is good when ... the farmer, the manufacturer, and the trader enjoy the full liberty of their property, their production, and their industry." -- Eschasseriaux %% "A thousand years passed since Agamemnon said, `Don't open The gates, who the hell needs A wooden horse that size?' -- Woody Allen %% "A tree is a tree. How many more do you need to look at?" -- Ronald W. Reagan, 1966 %% "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." -- Stole this from someone on the net %% "A vicious firebrand of Law and Order, his FOAMING WRATH is MIGHTY!... Yet his heart flows over with warmth and human kindness to all the good and honest people!" "You're hurt pretty bad, Mister... have some Wheaties!" -- Flaming Carrot %% "A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." %% "A-B-C-D-E-F-G, Sell your story to TV, How you turned in Mom & Dad -- Wasn't Mrs. Reagan glad?" -- Mark Russell %% "ARTICLE NUMBERING IS IRRELEVANT. ENCOURAGEMENT IS IRRELEVANT. YOU WILL BECOME ONE WITH THE BORG." -- Martin F. Rose (mfrose@caen.engin.umich.edu) %% "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science." -- Gary Zukav from "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" %% "According to Homer, Ithaca is an island surrounded by rough tides, rocky shores, and otherwise man-breeding features. But, considering the kind of man Odysseus was, I don't blame you for not liking it." -- Ashley Barfield %% "According to my instruments -- they're preparing to jump into hyper-space... or go to warp drive... or something like that." -- Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points. %% "Ack, phfftt" -- Bill the Cat %% "Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for doing Cerebus is to give wives and girlfriends of comics fans at least one comic book they can read." -- Dave Sim %% "Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was supposed to be Taco Bell, but it was called off the Soviet officials heard the Taco Bell slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'" -- Jay Leno %% "Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk. -- Codoso diBlini %% "Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist." -- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie %% "Addison, what are we going to do?" "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a short initiation period." -- Dave and Maddie on Moonlighting %% "Addison, will you get serious!" "Serious? I just had my hand on your behind; if I get any more serious, they'll move us to cable!" -- Addison and Maddy from "Moonlighting" %% "Adventure builds a thirst! What a guy!" -- The neo-Canton guy From "Savage Henry" %% "Advice after injury is like medicine after death." -- Danish proverb %% "After Mike walked out, she decided to give up Men and raise chickens. Chickens didn't stay out all night, or come home drunk, or sleep with your best girlfriend... And if they did... you could cut off their heads and eat them..." -- Stephanie Piro, in "Women's Glibber" %% "After SPACE BALLS, the Movie, now comes SPACE BALLS, the Operating System, on Your nearby IBM Mainframe..." -- Till Poser (f35pos@dhhdesy3.bitnet) %% "After checking my original notes, it appears that I spent most of last class lying to you. You may not find that surprising. I will now attempt to correct any misinformation that resulted. This you will probably find very surprising." -- A CS Prof. teaching UNIX %% "After decades of "Masterpiece Theater" decline, deferent workers cheering dim royals, and legions of garden fetishists whose idea of fun was a gentle discussion of acidity levels in the topsoil, the class system is finally getting shaken up. There are happier consequences of this than violence, of course, but the hooligan revival is at least a reminder that there's now no shortage of Britons successful enough to deserve beating up and plenty of others self-confident enough to do it." -- Andrew Sullivan %% "After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United States. Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of the mentality of being open-minded, always positive. Everything you want to do in Europe is just, 'No way. No one has ever done it.' They haven't any more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much more the American spirit." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger %% "After the first year, Captain Kirk lost his secretary, Yeoman Rand. She used to bring him coffee (even heating it with a hand phaser in times of galley distress) and hand him clipboards with flashing lights on them for him to initial. I wonder whatever happened to her..." -- karl@neosoft.com %% "After two years of trying, scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no task is repugnant to a true scientist. %% "Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain." -- Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller %% "Aging is bad, but consider the alternative." -- anon %% "Ah, monsieur. And how are we today?" "Better." "Better?" "Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up." -- Monty Python "Meaning of Life" %% "Ah, these good, efficient, healthy-minded people, they always remind me of those optimistic tadpoles who bask in a puddle in the sun, in the shallowest of waters, crowding together and amiably wriggling their tails, totally unaware that the next morning the puddle will have dried up and left them stranded" -- Carl Jung; Memories, Dreams, Reflections %% "Ah, well, I attended Juliard. I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I live through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen THE EXORCIST about 167 times, and it keeps gettin' funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!!" -- Beetlejuice %% "Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic %% "Aha! Pronoun trouble!" -- Daffy Duck %% "Ahead Warp 37 to the wild, loud PLANET OF THE LUSTY WOMEN COMMODITIES BROKERS!" -- "Bloom County" %% "Ahead warp factor 1" -- Captain Kirk %% "Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself." -- Peter da Silva, peter@sugar.hackercorp.com %% "Aim for her flat-top!" %% "Ain't that just like a tin-pot dictator! Calling in the faceless hordes when things get rough! Faceless horde is my middle name!" -- The Badger, in NEXUS %% "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. %% "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains the popularity of this field of study in computer science. %% "All Bibles are man-made." -- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) %% "All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable." -- Fran Lebowitz %% "All I ask of my body is that it carry around my head." -- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) %% "All I can say is that if, whenever you are asked where you live, you seize yourself by the throat and start choking, it is apt to cause comment" -- R. Hull %% "All I know of love is that Love is all there is." -- Emily Dickinson %% "All I want to do is read ONE good comic book before I go COMPLETELY blind!" -- The GNATRAT complains again... %% "All Lord Julius demands is total and complete obedience and more money every time we pay him. He's being quite reasonable, really..." -- Cerebus %% "All Marxists, basically, are reactionaries, yearning for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism." -- Robert Anton Wilson, writing as "Justin Case" %% "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." -- Anatole France (1844-1924) %% "All dis talk ! Vy can't ve chust climb !" -- John Salathe %% "All flesh is grass" -- Isiah %% "All flesh is grass" -- Isiah Smoke a friend today. %% "All food must be removed from this refrigerator on Friday for cleaning." %% "All human wisdom is summed up in two words -- wait and hope." -- Alexandre Dumas the Elder %% "All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn." -- Ernest Hemingway (1898-1961) %% "All numbers are totally irrelevant, unless you're doing Astrophysics." %% "All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume." -- Noam Chomsky %% "All pitchers are liars and crybabies." -- Yogi Berra %% "All power comes from the barrel of a gun. The communist party must control the guns." -- Chairman Mao %% "All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few." -- Stendhal %% "All right, you worthless _vermin_! No more Mister Nice Pope!" -- Cerebus %% "All that was meant to bore you shitless." -- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230 %% "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." -- Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849) %% "All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in. I'm glad they are a snowman with protective rubber skin" -- They Might Be Giants %% "All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs; and human beings shall fornicate unceasingly." -- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN, Geoffrey of Monmouth An old book I got from a friend -- Geoffrey was apparently translating Merlin's prophecies %% "All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally structured thoughts." -- Richard Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983) [...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell. -kl] %% "All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players, performers and portrayers. Each another's audience outside the gilded cage." -- Rush %% "All these black people are screwing up my democracy." -- Ian Smith %% "All this self-sacrifice is *nauseating*!" -- An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone %% "All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) (from his Inaugural Address) %% "All through human history, tyrannies have tried to enforce obedience by prohibiting disrespect for the symbols of their power. The swastika is only one example of many in recent history." -- American Bar Association task force on flag burning %% "All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another." -- Ortega y Gasset %% "All work and no fun makes Simon a good boy." -- Simon, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana %% "All you Klingons, you want to ravage helpless Earthwomen. Brute." -- They really should have named this, "I Married a Klingon." From DC's STAR TREK %% "All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!" -- Python %% "Almost all Eskimo jokes have the same punch line -- You know, he fell through the ice and died." -- Larry Marder %% "Almost all reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for." -- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946) %% "Alright, nobody move!" "Take him, you fools! He can only shoot one of us!" "You're the one." "Nobody move." -- Get Smart %% "Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret police and laws similar to those in the USSR, there are thousands of underground publications, a legal independent Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc's first and only independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is an affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free Trade Unions and the World Confederation of Labor. There is literally a world of difference between Poland - even in its present state of collapse - and Soviet society at the peak of its "glasnost." This difference has been maintained at great cost by the Poles since 1944. -- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a gateway from EARN (European Academic Research Network) to Poland %% "Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "Always keep your bowler on in times of stress. And watch out for diabolical masterminds." -- Emma Peel's parting comment to John Steed on THE AVENGERS %% "Aman-Tut and Julius Caesar -- they both foresaw their untimely deaths, thousands of years ago, in this very oracle. And so did Max Headroom." -- ABC seeks after David Addison with help from a soothsayer, in MOONLIGHTING %% "America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort." -- President John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) %% "American comic books are militaristic propaganda! And much too expensive!" -- Well, they are! From "The American" %% "Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system *disguised* as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there." -- Frank Zappa %% "Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a loser" %% "Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic." -- Ian Shoales %% "Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers cancellation, ABC has canceled `Our World', which featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women plan to get together and open up a chain of charm schools in Libya." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News %% "An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise but made him happy. Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation." -- Sam Weber %% "An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% "An eclipse of the Earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes." %% "An elephant is like long-term memory" -- A blind psychologist %% "An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth. Hell - this is going to be a blood bath!" -- Post Brothers Comics %% "An honest god is the noblest work of man. ... God has always resembled his creators. He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine perfume." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind." %% "An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself" -- Albert Camus (1913-1960) %% "An older person or a teenager can look at this (rock videos) and see the humor in it, but an eight- or ten-year-old isn't anesthetized yet." -- Tipper Gore, Washington Wife %% "An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt." -- a saying at RPI %% "An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth." -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments %% "An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code." -- an anonymous programmer %% "And *this* -- this is for losing my new luggage, you SLIMEBALL!" -- Race Bannon finally loses his temper in JONNY QUEST %% "And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug, and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers, and a man they called `Kierkegaard,' who just sat there biting the heads off whippets." -- Monty Python %% "And God help whoever gets in our way!" "Dimitri...?" "YES, Alexi?" "We're not supposed to believe in God." "Oh. That's right." -- Faux pas on the part of some Russian Super-Soldiers, from THE JUSTICE LEAGUE %% "And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, `Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?'" -- A panel from THE OUTSIDERS that I found appropriate for myself %% "And I'm a respected psychiatrist!" -- Frasier Crane discussing homicidal tendencies towards Diane to Sam on CHEERS %% "And as far as Burton directing goes..." "Oh, give it a rest." -- Siskel and Ebert beat on each over the directing choice for Batman, in THE INCREDIBLE HULK %% "And besides - it isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money!" -- Daffy Duck %% "And cruelest of all, I've learned that the bucks in this criticism thing just aren't what they should be. I figure if I'm not gonna make any jack in my chosen profession, the least I can do is vent my spleen. My motto is VENT FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T." -- Ian Shoales %% "And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?" -- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones) %% "And for God's sake don't invest money in any brokerage firm in which one of the partners is named 'Frenchy'." -- Woody Allen %% "And given this topology [the mobius strip] we can move on what is known as an orientation-reversing path. We cannot do this in our normal three-space topology, except via those paths which pass through San Francisco or Greenwich Village." -- A Math Prof. teaching topology %% "And how many hours a day did you do lessons?" said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject. "Ten hours the first day," said the Mock Turtle: "nine the next, and so on." "What a curious plan!" exclaimed Alice. "That's the reason they're called lessons," the Gryphon remarked: "because they lessen from day to day." -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "And if You exist, why do you let your Evil churches exist????" -- Michael S. Schechter "Maybe because He is a libertarian?" -- Mike Van Pelt, mvp@v7fs1.UUCP %% "And if we tell you the name of the game, boy, we call it 'Riding the Gravy Train'" %% "And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the bible were used to beat plowshares into swords..." -- Alan Watts %% "And it shall some to pass that idiots shall roam the earth, and morons shall rule the masses." %% "And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions." -- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation %% "And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic. Just because there are a few hundred other people sharing your lunacy with you does not make you any saner. Doomed, eh?" -- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU %% "And it's so portable --- at least, it worked on every VAX that I tried it on." -- Tim McDaniel (mcdaniel@adi.com) 6 Sep 90, %% "And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie. If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the basement: 1) Don't give him a chance to hit you on the head with an axe! 2) Flee the premises... even if you're in your underwear. 3) Warn the neighbors and call the police. But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!" -- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th %% "And look... don't threaten the customers. They don't eat as much." "I'll keep it in mind." -- Jezebel Jade comments on American service organizations, in JONNY QUEST %% "And lose a few," said Tom winsomely. %% "And now that the legislators and the do-gooders have so futilely inflicted so many systems upon society, may they end up where they should have begun: may they reject all systems, and try liberty..." -- Frederic Bastiat %% "And now, Little Bobby Pootwaddle will read last month's contest winner." "Last month's question -- `In 1000 words or less, describe how Amy Sue Sturdfetzer looked much older than 12.'" -- The Cowboy Wally Show %% "And remember, rebooting your brain can be tricky." -- Eric Townsend (erict@flatline) %% "And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb." -- One of the two funny jokes in SPACEBALLS %% "And stop referring to dinner as `the recent unpleasantness'." -- The Lockhorns %% "And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!" -- Romancing the Stone %% "And that's another goal for the Long John Silver Impersonators!" %% "And the Angel of the Lord dropped upon him, yea verily, saying: My left hand carries iron, The right one steel. If the left don't gitcha, Then the right one will." -- The Preacher gives his slightly warped version of scriptures, from GRIMJACK %% "And the Lord God said unto Moses -- and correctly, I believe ..." -- Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service %% "And the fifth-highest grossing film in America this week is YOUNG GUNS, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody has the same last name." -- Dennis Miller %% "And there! Between STAR TREK and ASTROBOY... It's Zot's world!" -- Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT! %% "And they told us, what they wanted... Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush %% "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her companion. "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" %% "And what you didn't give away, you spent on wild parties, young girls, and every drug you could get your hands on." "Every pill I took kept it out of some kid's hands!" -- Melvis Wesley (yes, everyone uses a psuedonym these days) is back from the dead in "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "And when do you expect to get married?" "Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know! I 'aven't 'ad it for weeks!" -- Monty Python %% "And when they ask me, 'What are you looking at?' I always tell them, nothing much" %% "And why did you come to earth?" "To collect sperm." -- Space Virgins %% "And you can BELIEVE me, because I NEVER lie, and I'm ALWAYS right!" -- Tom Revay %% "And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty..." %% "And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report." -- Dave Barry %% "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% "Another glorious day in the Corps. A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal a banquet, every paycheque a fortune, every formation a parade. I love the Corps!" -- Apone, "Aliens" %% "Another lesson I learned was not to give pieces of my company away when it was small in exchange for investment capital. In the first place, those shares would be worth millions today. Even more important, when you bring in shareholders, the government can start looking around at your business and telling you what to do, and let me tell you, the government knows *nothing* about running a business!" -- John McCormack, "Self-Made in America" %% "Another way to look at this is: if your computer is not capable of saturating *your* I/O bandwidth, you may be pissing away *your* wetware power. And last I checked, mine isn't increasing exponentially..." -- Dan Mocsny (dmocsny@uceng.uc.edu) %% "Anxiety and conscience are a powerful pair of dynamos. Between them, they have ensured that one shall work hard, but they cannot ensure that one will work at anything worthwhile." -- Arnold Toynbee %% "Any Questions? [pause] You all look asleep - what is it, hyperglucocemia? Too much sugar on your cornflakes? Not any cornflakes? Never mind - I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed, so let's continue." %% "Any girl that looks that innocent just got to be called Lucille!" -- George Kennedy in Cool Hand Luke, as recalled by Paul Piana after last call on 25 cent beer night in The Operating Room. %% "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." -- E. F. Schumacher %% "Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple his world. To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than against them is to attain literacy." -- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 %% "Any society that values wealth above freedom will lose its freedom, and will ultimately lose its wealth as well" -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) (more or less) %% "Any trouble, boy?" "No, old man. Thought I was having trouble with my adding. 'T's all right now." -- For A Few Dollars More %% "Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin." -- John Von Neumann %% "Anyone trying to split hairs will always find someone who has a sharper knife." -- Jim Hurley (jimh@ultra.com) 21 Sep 90 %% "Anyone who wants to be paid for writing software is a fascist asshole." -- Richard M. Stallman %% "Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives rather than tenets." -- Robert Frost %% "Anyone without 2,000,000 sunblock is gonna have a really bad day!" -- Sarah Connor %% "Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." -- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA) "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." -- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu) %% "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." "That was the curious incident." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" %% "Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" %% "Apparently you are heading toward a bank of cyclone debris. Act now." %% "Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton. %% "Are there many fires in Norway?" "Oh Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze!" -- Monty Python %% "Are they being mistreated?" "Only by a few fanatics. Mostly local anchormen." -- Doonesbury %% "Are you Catholic?" "Episcopalian, and not very." "Ja, ja. Agnoztic." -- From "The Badger" %% "Are you SURE that Moriarty isn't planning to kill me?" "Of course not... he *knows* you're an idiot." "Thank God!" -- "Holmes" and Watson discuss Yours Truly in WITHOUT A CLUE %% "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" "No, M'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." %% "Are you the police?" "No, ma'am. We're musicians." -- The Blues Brothers %% "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours." -- Richard Bach "Argue for your greatness and that too shall be yours." -- Michael Sky %% "Arizona is a rock-n-roll state." -- Alice (I want to be your governor) Cooper %% "Arms Treaty". %% "Art, I'll take 'Phoenician Architecture' for 100, please." %% "Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies." -- Bill Bulko %% "Artistic growth is, more than it is anything else, a refining of the sense of truthfulness. The stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult it is." -- Willa Cather %% "As God is my witness - I am that fool!" -- Gomez Addams %% "As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity. I collected some of their Proverbs..." -- Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell" %% "As Mayor of Houston, it gives me great pleasure to award you this Texas Freedom Award and a gold Neiman Marcus charge card." -- Foo-fa-raa in "Badger" %% "As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but gave it up when someone explained to him what sharks were ..." -- Woody Allen %% "As a character in Gore Vidal's new novel, `Hollywood', says: `What we invent, others reflect.' The problem is that the only thing worse than Guns n' Roses is censorship." -- The Economist, 12/23/89 %% "As a last resort, we can always sic Les Nesman on them." "My God... that could signal the end of organized religion as we know it." -- WKRP in Cincinatti %% "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't. %% "As a rule software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications." -- Dave Parnas, Communications of the ACM (33, 6 June 1990 p.636) %% "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill %% "As an old soldier I admit the cowardice: it's as universal as seasickness, and matters just as little." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman" %% "As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed." %% "As soon as you are willing to discard observational data because it conflicts with religion, you are giving up any hope of ever really understanding the universe. As soon as you pick religion as the touchstone of reality, then we have to start discussing how one can demonstrate the correctness of one religion over another when different *religions* disagree." -- Wilson Heydt (whheydt@PacBell.COM) "The answer is simple: kill the heretics. History shows us that this is the actual solution that competing religions apply -- trial by combat or trial by ordeal. God is the final arbiter. What a sad waste of human potential it has proven to be." -- Paul Hager (hagerp@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) %% "As that pudgy ex-Genesis drummer, I put the entire state of Connecticut to sleep and stole their wallets." -- A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS %% "As the expression goes, we spend our youth attaining wealth, and our wealth attaining youth." -- Douglas Coupland, from "Generation X" (Tales for an Accelerated Culture) %% "As the roadies say before the concert, `Let's carve this turkey.'" -- Ian Shoales %% "As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why would you bother?" -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "As we walked deeper and deeper into that musty old house, I kept asking myself - Marshall, why are you such a bone head." -- Marshall, "The Dead Letter", Eerie Indiana %% "As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." -- Bizarro %% "Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you. But ask what can All Employees do for A Group of Employees." -- Mike Dennison, in response to an "inspirational" memo at Ferranti Controls %% "Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is like asking a butcher 'exactly what DO you put in this sausage'? " -- Roy Blount, Jr. %% "Asking me, asking me: do you know what love is? Sure, I know. A boy loves his dog." %% "Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles" -- Pat Paulsen %% "At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and oxygen." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "At Microsoft, it doesn't matter which file you're compiling, only which flags you #define." -- Colin Plumb %% "At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the coffee table and striking me-self repeatedly upon the head with a brick" -- H. R. Gumby %% "At the sound of the tone, YOUR telephone's going to EXPLODE!" (If you've seen the Monty Python episode where the announcer comes on and says "And now, it's time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode!" you'll know what sort of voice to use.) -- Carl Greenberg %% "At this point it is tempting to ask: Why would anyone go through the pain of implementing a superscalar 386?" -- Mike Johnson, "Superscalar Microprocessor Design" %% "Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth." -- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry %% "Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed." -- Robin, The Boy Wonder %% "Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance." -- Plato (428-348? B.C.) %% "Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World War II... Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books." -- Jay Leno %% "Avast, ye scurvy corporate dogs! Prepare to be boarded!" -- "Bloom County" %% "Avast, ye slobs! Deploy the mizzen mast! Rotate the rubber baby buggy bumpers!" -- Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS %% "Awh! Mothra!" -- SWAMP THING %% "Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet." -- "Visionaries" cartoon %% "Awww..." "Don't let that 'sweet' act fool ya, Harry! They're DANGEROUS ASSASSINS!" -- Two guards from ZOT! %% "Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd have been a wagon...." %% "Aye, aye, mambo-man." -- Bart to Homer in "Some Enchanted Evening", from The Simpsons %% "B-r-r-other! What good is having a god around if you can't get any FUN out of it?" -- From George Perez's WONDER WOMAN %% "BACK, spawn of Satan! It's the Reverend Wallace Wallop you face, and my strength is GREAT, for I do HIS work! This is a battery-powered water pistol filled with HOLY WATER! We don't hold with the Papacy, but Lord, LORD -- that Pope can bless water like NOBODY'S business!" "Rambo him good in the name of the Lord." -- The Rev. Wallace Wallop (and the Missus) dispatch yet another Hellspawn %% "BART!" -- Homer in almost every episode, from The Simpsons %% "BETTER WEIRD THAN DEAD!" -- Eerie Indiana %% "BEWARE, EVILDOERS, WHEREVER YOU ARE!" -- The Masked Avenger %% "BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!" "What's going on, Dad?" "I'm defending our home from foreign invaders, son." -- Doonesbury %% "BTW, does Jesus know you flame?" -- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp %% "BYTE editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff." -- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr. %% "Ba, ba, ba ... ba, Barbara Anne ..." %% "Back off, man! I'm a scientist!" -- Ghostbusters %% "Bad knee, gotta run" -- Pat Buchanan to his draft board %% "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. %% "Badger! Grab something and *hang on*!" "Right-Oh! I'm hanging onto this 1890 Liberty Head Silver Dollar!" -- Badger, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from "Nexus" %% "Badger, what kind of amplifier should I get?" "A BIG one." -- The Badger giving out Hi-Fi advice %% "Badges? We don't need no steenken badges!" -- "Treasure of the Sierra Madres" %% "Bah! You can't make a sow's ear out of a cheap thug!" -- Ham re-iterates one of Circe's old complaints in "The Badger" %% "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'." -- Black Adder %% "Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father - hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie." -- Monty Python %% "Bart, meet the new champ." -- Lisa in "Burp Contest" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons %% "Bart, you say butt kisser like it's a bad thing!" -- Homer in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons %% "Baseball is a simple game. You throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." -- Nuke LaLouche %% "Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." %% "Batman didn't write any plays." "Yeah, but Shakespeare didn't beat up any crooks." -- Overheard at a sci-fi convention by Jerry Boyajian %% "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst %% "Batten down the hatches, several thousand Zulus approaching from the north." -- Christopher Commission report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91 %% "Be *excellent* to each other." -- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure %% "Be Yourself. Who else is better qualified?" -- Frank J. Giblin II %% "Be fair," say the temporizers, "tell both sides of the story." But how can you be fair to both sides of a rape? Of a murder? Of a massacre? -- Edward Abbey %% "Be happy while y'er leevin, For y'er a lang time deid." -- Scottish motto for a house %% "Be neither a conformist or a rebel, for they are really the same thing. Find your own path, and stay on it." -- Paul Vixie, %% "Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work." -- Gustave Flaubert %% "Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly -- it's probably because two errors are canceling each other out." -- Dave Bartley %% "Be there. Aloha." -- Steve McGarret, "Hawaii Five-Oh" %% "Be warned that being an expert is more than understanding how a system is supposed to work. Expertise is gained by investigating why a system doesn't work." -- Brian Redman, Bell Communications Research, "UUCP UNIX-to-UNIX Copy", "UNIX NETWORKING", edited by Stephen Kochan and Patrick Wood %% "Bear with me until my starting transient has settled down into doing things properly from the notes." %% "Beauty is the first test; there is no permanent place in the world for ugly mathematics." -- G. H. Hardy %% "Beauty is truth, truth beauty," -- that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -- John Keats (1795-1821) %% "Because I live in the hearts and minds of everyone who believes in TRUTH, JUSTICE and THE AMERICAN WAY. And that is bigger than you. Bigger than anyone who tries to make me in their own image." -- From "The Man of Rust" %% "Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] an interesting role for an actor." -- Dolph Lundgren, actor[?!] %% "Because my name is Daffy, They think that I'm insane Please pass the ketchup, I think it's going to rain! Oh, you can't bounce a meatball, Try with all your might. Turn on the radio, I want to fly a kite!" -- D. Duck (daffy@wb.com) %% "Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?" -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% "Beer! Now there's a temporary solution." -- Homer in "Homer's Odyssey", from The Simpsons %% "Before I visited this planet, we aliens knew very little about earth... the only information we had came from television signals, and due to interstellar distances, we only received channel 3 at 4:30pm... "But that's..." "'Gilligan's Island'... I know. But it's all we had to go on. We theorized that Earth was a strange island society where everything was made out of bamboo..." -- Robotman %% "Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- East Texas Proverb %% "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man replied. "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." %% "Before you marry, keep your two eyes open; after you marry, shut one." -- Jamaican proverb %% "Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian %% "Being good through life `cause you might go to heaven is like shutting your eyes through a movie `cause you might get your money back." -- A. Whitney Brown %% "Beside the Temple, to which room is it possible to go from the Altar?" %% "Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be. I have some weird degenerate gum disease. It turns out even the Undead have to floss." -- Dracula discusses problems of the modern vampire in "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "Best trust the happy moments... The days that make us happy make us wise." -- John Masefield (1878-1967) %% "Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone." -- Baltasar Gracian %% "Better watch out, Carrot, or you're going to wind up as a Saturday morning cartoon character, just like Mr. T!" "Alright! That did it!" -- Tension you could cut through with a wiffleball in FLAMING CARROT COMICS %% "Betty, If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game-show host." -- Veronica, "Heathers" %% "Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup. That's lost." -- Ivan Chtcheglov %% "Between the two of us, President Clinton and I have put to rest any myths about the intelligence of Rhodes scholars." -- Kris Kristofferson %% "Beware of Yuppies bearing Uzis." %% "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." -- Matthew 7:15 %% "Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers." -- Chip Salzenberg %% "Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details." -- William Feather, Sr. %% "Beware the [lobbyist], my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that snatch" (with thanks to Lewis Carroll). No matter how noble the cause or well meaning its professional advocates, lobbyists are still paid to get results. They're subject to errors in judgement, shortcomings in motives, and most of them don't even vote in your district. -- Pierre S. du Pont %% "Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Circles" %% "Beware! Your brain may no longer be the boss." -- Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong %% "Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repair you?" "Well, you don't need to, gov, it's all right. It's all in a day's work for ... Bicycle Repair Man. " -- Monty Python %% "Bidet? Try washing your whole body." -- anon %% "Big Brother is hallucinating." -- Elizabeth D Zwicky (zwicky@cis.ohio-state.edu), title of a comp.risks article %% "Bill Cosby, huh?" "If you play your cards right..." -- David Addison, baby, from MOONLIGHTING %% "Bill Dickey is learning me his experience." -- Yogi Berra %% "Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees." -- Intel VP David House, In "EE Times", 16 October 1989 %% "Bite off, dirtball." -- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM %% "Blessed be those Who initiate lively discussions With the hopelessly mute For they shall be know as Dentists." -- Seen in my dentist's office %% "Bob also asks if Bill Ward ever did any 3-D comics. Of course, ALL Bill Ward's comics are 3-D comics." -- Fandom Confidential %% "Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas." -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" %% "Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas." -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" [Personal note: thus confirming my opinion of both Bond and Fleming...] %% "Bondage... what's bondage?" "He's from Flagstaff." "Oh." -- Bruce Babbit poses a question in HONKEYTONK SUE %% "Born to Hack ... Full Metal Keyboard" %% "Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection." -- Bell System Technical Reference %% "Bowling?" "You know. Thats where a big black thing knocks down a lot of little white things." "That sounds like the A-Team to me." -- Keith "Badger" Vallenti found this on a channel flip, from Don Adam's CHECK IT OUT %% "Boy -- LOOKIT DEM GUNS!" -- Lustful father in MR. MONSTER %% "Boy, life takes a long time to live -- Steven Wright %% "Boy, this would make a great TV series..." -- A vagrant TV executive, from CROSSFIRE %% "Brain": peppermint schnapps in a shot or martini glass with *VERY* cold Bailey's Irish Cream poured *slowly* onto top (for the brain effect). %% "Breathe deep the gathering gloom. Watch lights fade from every room. Bed-sitter people look back and lament; another day's useless energies spent. Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. Lonely man cries for love and has none. New mother picks up and suckles her son. Senior citizens wish they were young. Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; removes the colors from our sight. Red is grey and yellow white. But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." -- The Moody Blues "Days of Future Passed" %% "Brevity is the soul of lingerie." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% "Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them." -- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of _All_ World Knowledge %% "Broadcast me scrambled clean, free me from this flesh, I want to be a machine..." %% "Brother against brother!... Friend against friend!! DENTIST against DENTIST!!!" -- Things go from bad to worse in FLAMING CARROT %% "Brothers," said Tom grimly. %% "Bubbles in the pipe are like air in your veins" -- G. Jeanette McWilliams wk00196@worldlink.com "Cogito, Ergo Zoom" -- Brock Yates %% "Bugs Bunny was an optimist." %% "Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight." %% "Build a watch in 179 easy steps" -- by C. Forsberg. %% "Bully! Bully!" -- Teddy Roosevelt with John Muir at Glacier Point %% "Bumbling? BUMBLING? You can't even speak English, and you're INSULTING people?" -- An angry accountant from MERC %% "Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary" -- Peter's Laws %% "Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation." -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments %% "Bus stop rat bag: hah, hah! Charade you are..." -- Pink Floyd %% "Bush has it backwards -- abortion is surgical; bombing is murder." -- sign at anti-war march %% "Bush? OK, he's experienced, but he's never going to be a GREAT liar. He can hardly bamboozle Dan Rather. How's he going to do up against bloodthirsty, power-mad dictator, like Margaret Thatcher?" -- A. Whitney Brown %% "Business is Business Time is Money Love is Bullshit" %% "But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!" -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "But Huey, you PROMISED!" "Tell 'em I lied." %% "But I can't excuse that FLASH GORDON review. That was the *dumbest* movie ever made." -- A fan of Baron's who can't excuse just *one* little thing %% "But I digress..." %% "But I don't want to go on the cart..." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" "But I'm feeling much better..." "No you're not...in a moment you'll be stone dead!" %% "But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious (shutup, Penny, shutup!)." -- Penny Priddy in "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "But I guess nobody gets to live happily ever after anymore, do they?" -- Abby in SWAMP THING %% "But I'd rather eat Johnson!" -- Monty Python %% "But a machine that was powerful enough to accelerate particles to the grand unification energy would have to be as big as the Solar System -- and would be unlikely to be funded in the present economic climate." -- Stephen Hawking "A Brief History of Time" %% "But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and Indefatigable?" "The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought, thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward." -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy %% "But as you all know, and as fate would have it, I didn't die. I landed on the top of a police car. And he died. ... You gotta sing it with that kind of enthusiasm. Like you just squashed a cop..." -- Arlo Guthrie %% "But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor playing Charles Darwin what he thinks!" -- The Simpsons %% "But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual. The look in a face, the music of a violin. A Paris theater can be infused with the spiritual for all its solidity." -- Lestat, "The Vampire Lestat", Anne Rice %% "But even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't there's no probability that you certainly would." -- Sir Humphrey Appleby on nuclear deterrence %% "But guys, she's a *girl*." -- Simon, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and there lies the glory and the wonder of it. The greatest schemer of all time, the organizer of every devilry, the controlling brain of the underworld.... That's the man." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem" %% "But isn't there some other way to call him?" "At least a dozen." "Then WHY?" "To let them know, Merkel, to let EVERYONE know. Hit it." -- Commissioner Gordon talks about re-lighting the Bat-Signal from Miller's DARK KNIGHT %% "But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!" -- Firesign Theatre, Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers %% "But now I am what I am today! A responsible citizen, and besides that... I packs a rod!" -- BULLET CROW discusses gun control %% "But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle - the hounds will be released in ten minutes." -- Mr. Burns in "There's No Disgrace Like Home", from The Simpsons %% "But only the wind picked him up, and blew him away into the Arizona skies. And, I hope, to a better place. "Rio, maybe." "MR. JONES!" "Well, I didn't want to sound too maudlin." -- Rick Jones from the same issue of THE HULK %% "But that's the way of *all* flesh, ennit?" -- John Constantine, boy psychic investigator %% "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown." -- Carl Sagan %% "But then a new problem came up: the Jupiter probe, Galileo, was going to use a power supply that runs on heat generated by radioactivity. If the shuttle carrying Galileo failed, radioactivity could be spread over a large area." -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" %% "But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?" %% "But this one goes to eleven." -- Nigel Tufnel %% "But we are just like the Waltons!, we're praying for an end to the depression too!" -- Bart Simpson, 1992 %% "But you don't UNDERSTAND. I've been doing this for years now. There's a flash of light. And I'm on another planet." "Yeah... Yeah, I sometimes get that." -- Adam Strange attempts to explain his lifestyle, in SWAMP THING %% "But you other two, I don't see any place for you in the revolution. ESPECIALLY YOU, Kate Straight! If you persist in playing that awful crunchy granola folk music all the time!" -- A Chinese Communist Col. whose life is changed by R&B in SONIC DISRUPTORS %% "But your creed, your ethos... it was one of your most appealing features." "You know, Larry, sometimes I say things... and afterwards, I can't remember saying them." -- The Yak and The Badger debate philosophy %% "But, sir, the people themselves have it in their power effectually to resist usurpation, without being driven to an appeal of arms. An act of usurpation is not obligatory; it is not law; and any man may be justified in his resistance. Let him be considered as a criminal by the general government, yet only his fellow-citizens can convict him; they are his jury, and if they pronounce him innocent, not all the powers of Congress can hurt him; and innocent they certainly will pronounce him, if the supposed law he resisted was an act of usurpation." -- Theophilus Parsons, in the Massachusetts Convention on the ratification of the U.S. Constitution [Jonathan Elliot, ed., "The Debates of the Several State Conventions on the Adoption of the Federal Constitution", (New York, Burt Franklin: 1888), 2:94 ] %% "But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in truckloads?" -- "Bloom County" %% "Butter becomes weightless?.... Raymond Burr must be in orbit by now." -- Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat! (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series) %% "Buy land. They've stopped making it." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "By an inevitable chain of causes and effects, Providence punishes national sins by national calamities." -- George Mason %% "By calling attention to 'a well regulated militia', the 'security' of the nation, and the right of each citizen 'to keep and bear arms', our founding fathers recognized the essentially civilian nature of our economy. Although it is extremely unlikely that the fears of governmental tyranny which gave rise to the Second Amendment will ever be a major danger to our nation, the Amendment still remains an important declaration of our basic civilian-military relationships, in which every citizen must be ready to participate in the defense of his country. For that reason, I believe the Second Amendment will always be important." -- April, 1960 (Then) Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) %% "By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun." -- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language" %% "By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] %% "By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry." -- a Larson cartoon %% "By the way, I paid for the whole trip on Mr. Underhill's American Express card. Want the number?" -- Closing Line from the movie Fletch %% "Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get THERE. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "C is the assembly language of Tcl." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com "Assembly language is also available." -- Jordan Henderson, (jordan@hackercorp.com) %% "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot, C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg" -- Bjarne Stroustrup %% "C'mon Marshall - hurry up... I'm hungry. (To wolf) Stay here." [Simon goes over to counter, dives into apple pie. Werewolf awakens but Simon is oblivious. Werewolf creeps up, and Simon gradually becomes aware something is wrong.] "Uh oh." (Turns to see werewolf.) "Arghhh. Arghhh. Help! Help! omanoManOManOManOMANOMANOMAN! Down boy! Down boy!" -- Simon, "Mr. Chaney", Eerie Indiana %% "C'mon, Hobbes, if you lend me a buck I'll buy you a comic book." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "C++ has a host of operators that will be explained if and where needed." -- "The C++ Programming Language". %% "C++" should have been called "D" %% "CABBAGE PATCH DOLL STRANGLES ITS MOM" ("it was an agent of the devil, say researchers") %% "COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way." -- major@pta.oz.au %% "COINCIDENCE" happens. %% "CRISIS erased the mistakes of the last 50 years. It's up to us to make the mistakes for the NEXT 50 years." -- Marvel Wolfman %% "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 %% "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 [apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson -kl] %% "Cache is, by definition, a compromise." -- Roy Smith, Public Health Research Institute "Yes, Cache is a compromise. Mainly to your wallet and the speed of light." -- Jim Hutchison (ucsd!celerity!hutch) %% "Call immediately. Time is running out. We both need to do something monstrous before we die." -- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter S. Thompson %% "Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious" -- Apple's MPW C compiler %% "Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." -- The Firesign Theatre movie, "J-Men Forever" %% "Calling all units! Leading monster stampede through the bottomlands to lower forty!... Set up ambush on flanks!... Also, do not shoot me!... Repeat!... Do not shoot me!!!" -- FLAMING CARROT vs the Giant Japanese Monsters! %% "Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!" -- Wanda %% "Can I have some applesauce?" -- Homer in "Call of the Simpsons" while being kept for observation and gnawing on a raw pork chop, from The Simpsons %% "Can I park here?" "Nope", said the cop. "Well, then how come these other cars are parked here?" "They didn't ask me", replied the cop. %% "Can the county spare me couple hundred body bags -- the kinds with the twist lock tabs? You know... the hefty, Hefty, HEFTY kind. Heh, heh." -- THE DOGS OF DANGER %% "Can you do Addition?" the White Queen asked. "What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?" "I don't know," said Alice. "I lost count." "She can't do Addition," the Red Queen interrupted. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "Can you drive a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has to have her standards." -- Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in "Real Genius" %% "Can you give me a lift back?" "Ah -- can do. But won't." -- Monty Python %% "Can you imagine what it would be like if there had been ``look and feel'' lawsuits over automobiles?" -- Mark Diekhans, markd@sco.com %% "Can you program?" "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!" %% "Can you say PAIN, boys & girls?" %% "Can you teach us to fight with pointed sticks?" %% "Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)" -- Apple's MPW C compiler %% "Can't let you get involved, it's too dangerous." "I'm a big girl." "Yeah... and in all the right places, too." -- North By Northwest %% "Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?" "It does not work that way. RUN!" -- Hadji on metaphysics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest" %% "Captain America." "Revamp him? Make him a Commie or something?" -- Mike Grell and Mark Gruenwald %% "Captain Justice knows no fear!" "Captain Justice knows no women!" -- A decent line from ONCE A HERO %% "Captain Kirk. It's a pleasure to welcome you to Noldicia. More fun than humans should be allowed to have." -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "Captain Picquard trusts his bartender's instincts and saves the Federation." -- Karl's synopsis of a recent Star Trek episode %% "Captain, how soon can we land?" "I can't tell." "You can tell me; I'm a doctor." -- Airplane! %% "Capture him, beat him and treat him like dirt." -- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91 %% "Card readers? We don't need no stinking card readers." -- Peter da Silva, peter@ficc.uu.net (at the National Academy of Sciences, 1965, in a particularly vivid fantasy) %% "Cards? Luxury! I was at the smithy 18 hours a day forging gears for my analytical engine, Ada working her fingers to the bone assembling them on shafts. I used to dream of the day when I would finally get it all put together so that I could finally play 'Wumpus'." -- Babbage %% "Care to expound, or are you just going to leave us all with the impression that you're merely an inarticulate asshole?" -- Jay "you ignorant splut!" Maynard (jay@splut.conmicro.com) "Lest I leave the wrong impression, I'm not inarticulate." -- Walker Mangum (walker@ficc.uu.net) %% "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is a hole in the ground." %% "Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt." -- From THE CHOCOLATE BOOK %% "Carpe Dinero" -- "Seize The Money" -- DaveMc, davemc@dsd.es.com %% "Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world." -- The Beach Boys %% "Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles." -- Howard Chaykin %% "Cats are soft-furred mammals, who are mildly and clumsily predatory. They have anywhere from two to a dozen neurons. The baseline intellect of a cat has two states. 1) Chow state (feeding frenzy) 2) Asleep mode (unconscious on your bed with whiskers twitching)" -- Elaine Richards %% "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch %% "Caution: I know Karate (And a few other Oriental words)" %% "Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritative regime." -- Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart %% "Cerebus can destroy ANYTHING. Cerebus is the POPE." -- Cerebus %% "Certum est quia impossibile est." (It is certain, because it is impossible.) -- Tertullian (180?-230?) %% "Ceterum censeo clitorem Vostris Sanctissimae Majestatis ante coitum excitandam esse." -- Advice given to Empress Maria Theresa by her personal physician. %% "Chair" Four legs, Supports students Like Jock Strap Supports atheletes. -- "Sir Victor" %% "Change your life! Change your socks! Change yourself into a 9 year-old Hindu boy!" %% "Charracter is whata you arre ina the dark!" -- E. Lizardo %% "Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight America's Action Hero, see?" -- Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of "The Giant Rat of Summatra" %% "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't care much where--" said Alice. "Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat. "--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're quite sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough." -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "Chi ha del ferro had del pane" (Who has steel has bread). -- Blanqui, quoted by Mussolini %% "Chi-ka-go! Bang Bang!" -- Czech border guards (including Joe Flaharty) with guns pointed at them, from STRIPES %% "Childhood is short and maturity is forever." -- Calvin and Hobbes %% "Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers." -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.) %% "Chocolate ... double chocolate ... *gasp!* New flavor! Triple chocolate!" -- Homer in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Christians maintain a higher enjoyment level in the intimacy of their love life than the population in general." -- Beverly LaHaye, President, Concerned Women of America, in her book, "The Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual Love", 1976, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Circular logic will only make you dizzy." -- Peri "I know a computer when I talk to one!" -- The Doctor %% "Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor." -- Toynbee %% "Civilization is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does not know everyone else." -- Julian Jaynes %% "Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy." -- Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" %% "Civilization! Look for a Burger King." -- BADGER in "Nexus" %% "Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." %% "Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves." -- John Muir %% "Clinton wants us to sacrifice - We should start with the politicians. Which do you recommend - burning at the stake, an altar & knife job, or the tried-and-true 'Feed the Volcano' method?" -- Don Meyer dlmeyer@uiuc.edu %% "Cocktail lounge" is a fancy name for it, but it's still just a bare-curtain saloon. %% "Coda," said Tom finally. %% "Code so clean...you can eat off it." %% "Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair Houghton %% "Coincidence is one thing, but this thing with the bike was bordering on mega strange." -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% "Coke is much more socially acceptable than self-mutilation." %% "College... what a *disgusting* place." -- An observant quote from BEANS BAXTER %% "Colleges should teach sex education, after all, when it comes to screwing people they're the best." -- Patrick J. Murphy %% "Colonies do not cease to be colonies because they are independent." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Color is like an orchestra playing behind a singer too loud." -- Will Eisner %% "Colourless green ideas sleep furiously." -- Prof. Noam Chomsky, "Syntactic Structures" An example of a sentence which, though grammatically acceptable, is without meaning %% "Combat Tupperware keeps my shooting skills fresher; longer" -- "BURP" %% "Come and get me Bob. This time it's personal!" %% "Come and get me? You big bag of wind?? I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure it's not smart to tease a tornado." -- Marshall, "Tornado Days", Eerie Indiana %% "Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you." -- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater %% "Come on," the robot droned, "I've been ordered to take you down to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that JOB SATISFACTION? 'Cos I don't." -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake-- It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife"-- "Why, so it is, father--whose wife shall I take?" -- "A Joke Versified" from "Miscellaneous Poems" by Thomas Moore (1779-1852) %% "Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public." %% "Comedy. Sudden, violent, comedy!" -- Monty Python %% "Coming up: our definitive answer to the JFK assassination, the Iran contra coverup, the cure for the common cold, and our hidden videotape of Madonna's torrid affair..." -- Anchorman, "Zombies in PJs", Eerie Indiana %% "Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough." -- Descartes, 1637 %% "Common sense is what tells you the world is flat." -- Dale Worley, worley@compass.com %% "Company's coming," Tom guessed. %% "Computer Scientists are at the top of the nerd heap" -- Curtis Dyreson %% "Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable. As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way. If we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing a part of our lives?" -- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 %% "Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy." -- Joseph Campbell %% "Conceptions without experience are void; experience without conceptions is blind." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" -- Ben Jonson %% "Confusing yourself is a way to stay honest." -- Jenny Holzer %% "Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken." -- Yogi Berra %% "Congratulations on bringing light into the dark-room!" %% "Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom." -- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI) %% "Congresses of sheep, passing resolutions in favor of vegetarianism, are of no value, as long as wolves refuse to be similarly bound." %% "Conquest." "I had a premonition he was going to say that." -- Cerebus %% "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- Daffy Duck, from Looney Tunes "Ali Baba Bunny" (1957, Chuck Jones) %% "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." -- Bernard Berenson %% "Contempt? Yes. Yes, I think that's the word. Contempt." -- Abby Cable comments on the US courts in SWAMP THING %% "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" %% "Contrary to ongoing and recent media reports you will find the Report is well-balanced and completely deferential to the freedoms outlined in the first amendment." -- Henry E. Hudson, Chairman, Attorney General's Commission on Pornography %% "Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about." -- Agnes Repplier %% "Conversation is the best aphrodisiac." -- Kelly Cota (kcota@sco.com) %% "Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts most subtly on the human will." -- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway" %% "Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." -- Harriet Van Home %% "Could ye use a little water in your whiskey?" "When ay drink whiskey, ay drink whiskey, an' when ay drink water, ay drink water." -- Maureen O'Sullivan and Barry Fitzgerald in THE QUIET MAN, begorra. %% "Could you both just send hate mail a few times a day and post the synopsis in the year 2000?" -- Wm E Davidsen Jr, davidsen@crdos1.crd.ge.COM, to a couple guys in news.groups %% "Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play." -- William Congreve, "The Portable Curmudgeon" %% "Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell no!" -- Hunter S. Thompson, on the US war against Iraq %% "Cowardly little runt. When I get a hold of you I'm going to gut you like a fish and drink your blood." "I'm gonna rip out your heart and drink your blood!" -- Moe, the Bartender, in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "Creamed rutabaga soup -- suitable for dragons ingredients: Rutabaga Milk Butter Soup bones (the rest of the recipe is missing . . . Good luck!) %% "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectually heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise? -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186 %% "Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training." -- Anna Freud Well, sometimes, anyway. -- Mark Brader, utzoo!sq!msb %% "Creative people all come in and want their stuff printed on gold leaf." -- Jim Shooter %% "Credo, quia absurdum est." [I believe, because it is absurd.] -- Tertullian (180?-230?), Roman lawyer, theologian and misogynist; man of questionable judgement %% "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." -- Brendan Behan %% "Cross you heart, hope to die, Stick a needle in your eye, Jam a dagger in your thigh, Eat a horse manure pie!" -- Bart, from The Simpsons %% "Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them." -- Madonna %% "Curiouser and curiouser!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "Curse these personal computers!" cried the novice in anger, "To make them do anything I must use three or even four editing programs. This is truly intolerable!" The master programmer stared at the novice. "And what would you do to remedy this state of affairs?" he asked. The novice thought for a moment. "I will design a new editing program," he said, "a program that will replace all these others." Suddenly the master struck the novice on the side of his head. "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the surprised novice. "I have no wish to learn another editing program," said the master. And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- The Zen of Programming %% "Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people." -- Monty Python's Dim! (DIM of the YARD!) %% "Curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It saves time." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "DAMMIT, MacAlistaire... you'll *live* longer in civilization." "Jest seems longer." -- MacAlistaire and the poet part (finally) in Journey %% "DANGER is my BUSINESS." -- Cool McCool, in his cartoon series of the late 60s %% "DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU ARE COMING WITH ME." -- ROBOCOP %% "DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT blow the hatch!" "Roger....hatch blown!" -- MAROONED %% "DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD, YOU DAMN FISH!!" -- Aquaman %% "DWARF RAPES NUN, FLEES IN UFO" %% "Daddy, Daddy, make Santa Claus go away!" "I can't, son; he's grown too powerful." "HO HO HO!" -- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre %% "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" -- Doonesbury %% "Dammit, we're all going to die, let's die doing something *useful*!" -- Hal Clement, on comments that space exploration is dangerous %% "Damn reporters! That wasn't the quote at all! It was 'carry a big SHOVEL'. Sticks, indeed!" -- Teddy Roosevelt in college %% "Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead." %% "Damn your principles! Stick to your party." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Damn! I'm running out of integers!" %% "Dan, you risked your LIFE for cheap sex?" "You say that as if it were a bad thing." -- Harry and Dan from NIGHT COURT %% "Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!" "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!" -- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger %% "Darkness fell. Rather suddenly, in fact. God was pissed again and had spilt His pint over the Sun. It was going to be a l-o-n-g winter..." -- Michael Morecrap, "The Boss is a Lush!" %% "Darling, would you like to propose another toast?" "To a warmed, darkened, slightly crispy slice of bread." -- Bizarro %% "Data is a lot like humans: It is born. Matures. Gets married to other data, divorced. Gets old. One thing that it doesn't do is die. It has to be killed." -- Arthur Miller %% "Dave Sim appears in dark glasses and talks like he's been up for three days doing God knows what, which is kind of how you like to think of Dave Sim." -- Rob Rodi %% "Dawn came too soon," she mourned. %% "Dead? No excuse for laying off work." -- God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS %% "Dear Advertisers: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Some of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again ..." -- Grandpa Simpson in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons %% "Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they counted the years backwards, did they count the months and days backwards, too?" "Your ignorance appalls me." -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio %% "Dear Emily --- BINGO!!" -- From STRAY TOASTERS %% "Dear Lord Jesus, this can't be happenin' man, this isn't happenin..." -- Hudson, "Aliens" %% "Dear Mary, We all knew you had it in you." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), in a telegram sent after a much-publicized pregnancy %% "Dear Mr. Fantasy, play us a tune, something to make us all happy. Do anything, take us out of this gloom. Sing a song, play guitar, make it snappy." %% "Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" -- from George Seldes, The Great Quotations %% "Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests." %% "Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". %% "Death will not release you." %% "Death, be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so." -- John Donne (1572-1631), "Death, be not proud" %% "Debug is human, de-fix divine." %% "Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever." -- button at the Boston Computer Museum %% "Decadent rodent, we will bury you." -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "Decaffeinated coffee? Kinda like kissing your sister." -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com) %% "Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville, Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, boola boola Pensacoola, hullabaloo!" SECOND VERSE: "Bark us all bow-wows of folly, Polly wolly cracker 'N' too-da-loo! Hunky Dory's pop is lolly, Gaggin' on the wagon, Willy folly go through! Donkey bonny brays a carol, Antelope cantaloupe ---lope with you! Chollie's collie barks at Barrow, harum scarum five alarum, bung-a-loo." -- "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" by Walt Kelly %% "Deep space is my dwelling place, the stars my destination." -- Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination" %% "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis %% "Defense network computers. New, powerful. Hooked into everything. Trusted to run it all. They say it got smart. A new order of intelligence. saw all humans a threat, not just the ones on the other side. Decided our fate in a microsecond." %% "Definition of mixed emotions: Finding out your ex-wife accepted a Kirby Award on your behalf in San Diego." -- Dave Sim %% "Delays created while you wait." %% "Delete any [movie] footage which includes the idea that war is not altogether glamorous and noble." -- Joseph I. Breen (1890-?), film executive %% "Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "Democracy is the theory that the people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "Democracy takes time. Dictatorship is quicker, but too many people get shot." -- From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup" %% "Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Lloyd Bentson today said that he would now return to his old job as the Grandfather Clock on the Captain Kangaroo show." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim. -- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility," New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988 %% "Destiny makes relatives, selection makes friends." %% "Destroy the thief, my pets!" %% "Destroying property is sometimes a good way to save lives." -- Mary Meehan, Anti-Choice Columnist, "The National Catholic Register", about abortion clinic violence, 10/12/86, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of Four" %% "Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch of a hand on a hand, or a mouth on a mouth." -- Tennessee Williams %% "Diagnosis is like diarrhea, except that you get it in your gnosis instead of your rear." -- "Punch" %% "Dick! You're FIRED!" -- Robocop %% "Dick... YOU'RE FIRED!" *POW* *POW* *POW* -- The kind of executive order that REALLY results in termination. From ROBOCOP %% "Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill, "While England Slept" %% "Did U arrest the 85 yr old lady or just beat her up." "We just slapped her around a bit... she's getting m/t [medical treatment] right now." -- LAPD squad-car computer messages, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91 %% "Did they steal your brain, too?" -- Charles Furnell to Syndi, "No Brain, No Pain", Eerie Indiana %% "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy %% "Did you know that rain is the sound of angels flushing?" -- "Married...With Children" %% "Did you know the phone company uses the bone marrow of Third World babies to make microchips?" -- THE BADGER %% "Did you learn that from captains' school, too?" "No. Rodgers and Hammerstein." -- Uhura and Kirk from the STAR TREK comic. %% "Did you see it, Reiger? It was hideous!" -- Taxi %% "Didja think one tool would change the world? We're a symbol -- the whole Star Key experiment... we're a walkin' allegory!" "Oh, yeah? An allegory of what?" "Of a good guy doin' a good job, no matter what it takes!" -- Flyin' Ryan and Steelgrip Starkey %% "Didn't you hear? Commentary and Dissent merged and became Dissentary." -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" %% "Die Politik is keine exakte Wissenschaft." (Politics are not an exact science.) -- Otto von Bismark (1815-1898) %% "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words %% "Different may mean the same." %% "Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought." -- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi %% "Discussing whether Black and White comics will survive is like asking whether sex will survive AIDS." -- Will Eisner %% "Disinformation is one thing, but misinformation is unforgivable." %% "Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?" -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.) %% "Do not be deceived. Revolutions do not run backwards." -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), railsplitter, lawyer, imperialist %% "Do not commit the error, common among the young, of assuming that if you cannot save the whole of mankind you have failed." -- Jan de Hartog, "The Lamb's War" %% "Do not cry, for thy tears shall rust thy skates." -- Rollerblade (yes, BLADE) %% "Do not look into laser beam with remaining eye." %% "Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads." -- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" %% "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." -- stolen from Brian Gollum %% "Do not speak of what men deserve. For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead Kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of *deserving*, of *earning*, and you will begin to be able to think." -- Odo, The Prison Letters (Ursula LeGuin, "The Dispossessed") %% "Do not stop to ask what is it; Let us go and make our visit." -- T. S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" %% "Do they still keep track of me at the Agency?" "We heard you married some old Nazi." "He was NOT a Nazi -- he was Austrian." "So was Hitler." "Yes, but *he* had no sense of humor." -- A wonderful exchange between Glenda Jackson and Walter Matthau in HOPSCOTCH, a film well worth searching out %% "Do we have any more animals that Grandma can torture?" -- NOTHING IN COMMON %% "Do what you wanna, do what you will; Just don't mess up your neighbor's thrill. And when you pay the bill, kindly leave a little tip To help the next poor sucker on his one-way trip." -- Frank Zappa, "You Are What You Is" %% "Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone!!" -- George Carlin %% "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. "Who else?" answered the patient. %% "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mister Bond; I expect you to die." -- That famous line from GOLDFINGER %% "Do you know back at the turn of the century how long it took to cross Manhattan on horse? What the average speed was? Seven miles an hour. You what it is today? Exactly the same, seven miles an hour." -- John Denver %% "Do you know that doing your best is not good enough? First you must know what to do." -- manufacturing-quality theorist W. Edwards Deming %% "Do you think God gets stoned? I think so...look at the Platypus." -- Robin Williams %% "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" -- Stephen Wright %% "Do you think there's a God?" "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant?" -- Two characters in "A Private Function" %% "Do you want to see my list of top ten pickups, you might get a few pointers." %% "Doc Hayward said you needed familiar stimulants, so we figured, what the hell, kazoos." -- Twin Peaks %% "Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!" %% "Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right." -- L. B. J. %% "Don't Panic" -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy %% "Don't be stupid. Be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi Party." -- The Producers %% "Don't believe a word she says, Monsieur! The sheep, they are all LIARS!" -- A French citizen attempting to dissuade THE BADGER %% "Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see." -- Will Rogers %% "Don't blame me, I voted Libertarian!" Nancy Lord in '96! -- Don Meyer dlmeyer@uiuc.edu %% "Don't blame me. I didn't do it!" -- Krusty in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Don't break it if you can't fix it." -- Marketing manager %% "Don't call me 'tiny'." %% "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. %% "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" %% "Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense." -- jvh@clinet.FI %% "Don't disturb my friend - he's dead tired." -- Commando %% "Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!" -- Bryan Michael Wendt %% "Don't embarrass us." "Have I ever?" -- Buckaroo Banzai and Perfect Tommy in BUCKAROO BANZAI %% "Don't fight forces; use them." -- Richard Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983) %% "Don't fight it - It's bigger than both of us. In your case that verges on the incredible." -- Cerebus %% "Don't flinch, boys--they're shooting at me, not you." -- Brigadier General Philip Kearney to his men, Battle of Williamsburg, May 5, 1862 %% "Don't get even... get mad!" -- THE KILLING JOKE %% "Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house." -- anon %% "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart and rich." -- Calvin Keegan %% "Don't have a cow, Homer!" -- Bart, from The Simpsons %% "Don't investigate this too closely." -- Don Bellisario, re: "Quantum Leap" %% "Don't lean on me, man, 'cuz you couldn't get a ticket back from Suffragette City" -- David Bowie %% "Don't question luck." -- Roberto Mesa %% "Don't rock the boat, man." -- Bart, from The Simpsons %% "Don't run faster than your shoes." -- Scottish saying %% "Don't rush a miracle man. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles." -- From "The Princess Bride" %% "Don't take life too serious. It ain't no ways permanent." -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly %% "Don't talk to me about disclaimers! I invented disclaimers!" -- The Censored Hacker %% "Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Don't they have a rule about letting fags in the cafeteria?" "Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes." -- Heathers %% "Don't think; let the machine do it for you!" -- E. C. Berkeley %% "Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal." -- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Don't worry about things that you have no control over, because you have no control over them. Don't worry about things that you have control over, because you have control over them." -- Mickey Rivers %% "Don't worry son, the marines don't mind killing Martians." -- Army philosophy in "Invaders from Mars" %% "Don't you hate it when one of your hands falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?" -- Steve Wright %% "Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk." -- Tom Waits %% "Doonesbury is more important than self-respect." %% "Doough!!" -- Homer, from The Simpsons "Oooh!!" -- Homer, when he realizes he's screwed up, from The Simpsons %% "Dr. X hasn't lectured a Cambridge group before, so he might be quite interesting." %% "Draft politicians, not human beings." -- antidraft slogan coined by Jeff Daiell, 1979 %% "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Drei...funf," said Tom fearlessly. %% "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859 %% "Drugs don't take people, people take drugs" -- Abbie Hoffman %% "Dry hair's for squids." -- Trancers %% "Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason." -- Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454 %% "Dump the condiments. If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good." -- "Visionaries" cartoon %% "During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution." -- James Madison %% "During the intervening years, this ex-American baseball player who defected to the Soviet Union rose through the ranks to the height of power, where he is now the single, behind-the-scenes controlling force behind all Soviet policy decisions. It is he to whom Reagan refers as 'The Evil Umpire'. " -- Glen Raphael "Recent U.S. Foreign Policy" %% "During the race We may eat your dust, But when you graduate, You'll work for us." -- Reed College cheer %% "Dying ought to be done in black and white. It is simply not a colorful activity." -- Russell Baker %% "Each Man must stand on his own!... Must answer to his own God!... I will probably WIN though..." -- Flaming Carrot %% "Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it and wiser than the one that comes after it." -- "The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell" %% "Earned a precarious living by taking in one another's washing." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college." -- P. J. O'Rourke %% "Easy to use" is easy to say. -- Jeff Garber %% "Eat death, orphans!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY %% "Eddie the Mouth was a vicious animal. But he was one of the old-time vicious animals and as such had some kind of moral code. It wasn't much of a moral code, but it was better than nothing..." %% "Education never ends... It is a series of lessons with the greatest for the last." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle %% "Eerie had collided with a parallel reality called NBC. *I* was being written off the show. Correction: Killed off the show. Double correction: Killed dead!" -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "Eerie, Indiana. The Last Testament of Marshall Teller. I had come to the end of the line. Hunted. Lost. Nowhere to hide. And then I saw - home. The safest place there is. But like everything else, it turned out to be fake." -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped." -- Groucho Marx' last words (1890-1977) %% "Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or I'm still dreaming." -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "Either sue me, or shut the hell up." -- Greg Hennessy, gsh7w@virginia.edu %% "Elektra. Over there. It's a flying dwarf." -- Strange doings in ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN %% "Elvis has LEFT the building!" -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "Elvis is my copilot." -- Cal Keegan %% "Emotionally vulnerable women.... They eat this sensitive crap up!" -- Dan Fielding %% "End? What end? You whites will be with us forever." -- Chiun, Master of Sinanju %% "Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode." -- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs %% "Engineering without management is art." -- Jeff Johnson %% "England no longer existed. He'd got that--somehow he'd got it. He tried again. America, he thought, has gone. He couldn't grasp it. He decided to start smaller again. New York has gone. No reaction. He'd never seriously believed it existed anyway. The dollar, he thought, has sunk for ever. Slight tremor there. Every Bogart movie has been wiped, he said to himself, and that gave him a nasty knock. McDonald's, he thought. There is no longer any such thing as a McDonald's hamburger. He passed out. When he came round a second later he found he was sobbing for his mother." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "England's monarchy is how old? 1000 years? Jesus, you guys must have a hell of a lot of laws!" -- an anonymous sysadmin %% "Enough of this running shit." -- Sean Connery on chase scenes, from THE UNTOUCHABLES %% "Eraserhead is an example of the opposite of brainwashing. It actually leaves a dirty bathtub ring on your mind." -- David Fox (fox@allegra.att.com) %% "Escaping through the lily fields, I came across an empty space It trembled and exploded, left a bus stop in its place..." -- unknown %% "Ethics are bit a like an erection, no matter how well intended they are prone to sudden deflation" -- Dougal Haston - refering to climbing ethics. %% "Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!" -- from Fiddler On The Roof %% "Even if you start your laundry before 8 AM on Saturday, you will not finish folding it until after midnight on Sunday." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -- Will Rogers %% "Even in 1956, when informed of his mother's brutal murder, he restricted his comments to one word: `Good.'" -- From the medical report on Rorschach. WATCHMEN #6 %% "Even light, which travels so fast that it takes most races thousands of years to realize that it travels at all, takes time to journey between the stars." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Even now, I go to someone's house and think I am being a good guest if I am very quiet, don't ask for anything, and refuse anything that's offered. This behavior makes other people think of me as a nincompoop." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" %% "Even the most boundless love can end." -- Rhett Butler, to Scarlet O'Hara, "Gone With The Wind" %% "Even the music was nice." -- Yogi Berra (speaking of the opera "Tosca"). %% "Even the works of the great Shakespeare will disappear when the universe burns out -- not such a terrible thought, of course, when it comes to a play like "Titus Andronicus", but what about the others?" -- Woody Allen %% "Even though Mr. Chisel was cleared on all counts of bank fraud, the judge sentenced him to 1000 hours of community service - just in case." -- Marshall, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "Even with all our technology there is no way to make an 8000m peak safe. You must go thinking you will not come back." -- Reinhold Messner %% "Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?" "No." "'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek." -- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters [ditto] %% "Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it..." -- Steve Wright %% "Ever see a Dirty Harry movie?" "Yessir!" "Like 'em?" "Yessir! Very much so!" -- A soldier with a gun to his head in "The American" %% "Ever wonder what you add to dried water?" %% "Ever wonder why they don't make the zippers on these things go further?" %% "Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk." -- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement %% "Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man." -- Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941) %% "Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits." -- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@apple.com, about Usenet %% "Every hero becomes a bore at last." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Representative Men" %% "Every institution I've ever been associated with has tried to screw me." -- Stephen Wolfram %% "Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of." -- They Might Be Giants %% "Every kid dreams of being the star of their own TV show. Take it from me, it's a living hell." -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." %% "Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." %% "Every man over forty is a scoundrel." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Stray Sayings" %% "Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" -- Robert Orben %% "Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas." -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson %% "Every one is more or less mad on one point." -- Rudyard Kipling, "On the Strength of a Likeness" %% "Every opportunity we have to run our R&D scientists and engineers against our customers, we do it." -- George Heilmeier, Texas Instruments Inc., Dallas %% "Every physician almost hath his favourite disease." -- from "Tom Jones" by Henry Fielding (1707-1754) %% "Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something." -- J. Vanderkooy Physics 122 %% "Every time I go to the board with these notes I write down something completely different." %% "Every time you hear a half decent rap song, some black guy starts talking over top of it." %% "Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls that are labeled in black on a black background, a little black light lights up black to let you know you've done it." -- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe %% "Every woman should marry--and no man." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Every year a few research results pay the freight for all the rest." -- Robert A. Frosch, General Motors %% "Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Everybody knows they're worth something on this world. But we're never quite sure on my planet. We're always trying to prove it to someone." -- Another solemn, gently ironic line from ZOT! %% "Everyone I know drinks Miller Lite. And if they don't, I probably don't know them." -- Yogi Berra %% "Everyone has heard of Canterbury if only because they murder archbishops there." -- Michael Powell %% "Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." -- Harlan Ellison %% "Everyone likes flattery, and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant... *I* want to be Cary Grant." -- Archibald Leech %% "Everyone's head is a cheap movie show." -- Jeff G. Bone %% "Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again." -- Johann von Goethe %% "Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 %% "Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks." -- Lazarus Long, from Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." -- Flannery O'Connor %% "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." -- Steve Wright %% "Evil... pure and simple, from the Eighth Dimension!" -- Our Man Buckaroo, seeing evil where no one else can... BUCKAROO BANZAI %% "Evolution is what it is. The upper classes have always died out; it's one of the most charming things about them." -- Germaine Greer %% "Exactly how obscene an amount of money were we talking about? Profane? Or really offensive?" -- Pretty Woman %% "Excuse me sir, are you English?" With super heavy English drawl, "Good God man, if I were any more English I couldn't speak at all!" %% "Excuse me, Worker, I'll just be a nanosecond." -- a computer, from Firesign Theater's "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus" %% "Excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they both stink." -- unknown %% "Existence is random. It has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" %% "Expanding a comic line just to gain market share is like... Marvel." -- Harlan Ellison %% "Expect the Unexpected. He does." --> %% "Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything." -- Russell Baker %% "Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent . . . the greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well meaning but without understanding." -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis (1856-1941), Olmstead vs. United States, United States Supreme Court, 1928 %% "Extra money" is what you have right before your car breaks down. %% "FAMED PSYCHIC'S HEAD EXPLODES" %% "FAMILY HAUNTED BY GHOST OF CHRISTMAS TURKEY" %% "FEAR OF AIDS CUTS DOWN ON VAMPIRE ATTACKS!" -- National Enquirer %% "FIRE!" Tom yelled alarmingly %% "FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by scientists with real problems." %% "Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof." -- John Kenneth Galbraith %% "Facts are stupid things." -- President Ronald W. Reagan (a blooper from his speech at the '88 GOP convention) %% "Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they're stupid, but it also means you failed to get them to do it your way." -- Cal Keegan %% "Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." -- Mary Pickford %% "Faith is good, but skepticism is better" -- Giuseppe Verdi %% "Faith" can be defined as "any man's hope that the human spirit is capable of understanding"; that anything actually matters in the larger universe; and that understanding anything could be important outside of our own selfish whims and desire to survive. ...and somehow, because it is important, understanding can go on without us, waiting only to be rediscovered by the future, or at worst, pissed away, in spite of all our prayers, and work, and suffering. Every expression of the human spirit is an act of faith. -- Ellyn Mustard, mustard@ficc.ferranti.com %% "Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint." -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus %% "Famous age-old rock group Pink Floyd visited the Soviet Union this week where their historic album [Dark Side of the Moon] has been on the Soviet top ten list for the last decade. Spokesmen for the Soviet government welcoming the group to Moscow said, `Wow... the Floyd, man.'" -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels" -- Goya %% "Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. "'Look! Up in the sky!' "'It's a bird!' "'It's a plane!' "'No, it's Superman!' "Yes, it's Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers; bend steel in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and The American Way!" %% "Faster than a speeding bullet; more powerful than a locomotive; able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ........ SUPERMAN!" %% "Father's Day is like Mother's Day, except the gift is cheaper." -- Gerald F. Lieberman %% "Father, Mother, and Me, Sister and Auntie say All the people like us are We, And every one else is They." -- Rudyard Kipling, "We and They" %% "Fie!" he said, surveying the carnage about him. "Someone must have left the bathroom light on again; don't they know the landlord gets UPSET?!" He sighed and went into the kitchen for a garbage bag. "Y'know," he mused as he put the dismembered limbs into the bag, "if this apartment weren't in such a good location, I'd move out." He sighed again and shook his head. "This is the third time that this has happened THIS MONTH!" He made a mental note to place another want ad for roommates in the paper. %% "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." -- George Carlin %% "Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." -- Patrick Dockhorn, dockhorn@probitas.cs.utas.edu.au %% "Filthy bag of Lovecraftian poison -- nobody fucks with Monsieur Boche!" -- Monsieur Boche, a Hunter S. Thompson clone with brains, balls and the ability to traverse dimensions, in a Matt Howarth comic %% "Finally, yet another book on the Holocaust. This one with cutouts." -- Woody Allen %% "Fine...I'll just sit here and wave my fronds..." %% "Firearms stand next in importance to the constitution itself. They are the American people's liberty teeth and the keystone under independence...The rifle and the pistol are equally indispensable...The very atmosphere of firearms anywhere and everywhere restrains evil interference - they deserve a place of honor with all that is good." -- George Washington %% "First Shakespeare sonnets seem meaningless; first Bach fugues a bore; first differential equations sheer torture. But in due course, contact with an obscurely beautiful poem, an elaborate piece of counterpoint, or of mathematical reasoning, causes us to feel direct intuitions of beauty and significance." %% "First of all, I want you to know I like your face ... Yeah, I really do. I'm not saying that ... I mean it. You've got color in there. You're not Roman are you? ... Look like a god, sort of. Why don't we step into the credit office, 'ZEUS'." -- Bob, the RV salesman, in "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons %% "First, we were making the effort there so that people would have their own right to decide their own future, and could select their own form of government ... Now we're saying we're going to fight there so that we don't have to fight in Thailand, so we don't have to fight on the West Coast of the United States, so that they won't move across the Rockies. -- Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968), November 26, 1967 %% "Fishing Code: Early to Bed, Early to Rise, Fish all day, And make up the Lies" %% "Flaming Carrot!" "I win!... I defeated DEAD DOG!" "But how?" "I wacked it apart with two-by-four!" -- The secret to any battle, by my main man FC %% "Flaming Carrot!... Do you see Communists behind every bush?" "No... but SOMETIMES they hide there." -- Who else but... FLAMING CARROT! Save the day! You bet! %% "Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale." -- Adlai Stevenson %% "Flattery is like chewing gum - enjoy it, but don't swallow it." -- Mrs. Wilson, "Dennis The Menace" %% "Flextime: Starting a 10+ hour day up to an hour early (on a regular, scheduled basis with the approval of an immediate supervisor)." -- A Ferranti International Controls "volunteer" %% "Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere." -- Arthur Miller %% "Flint Paper is insane. I really respect that." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "Floggings will continue until morale improves." -- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA %% "Flying saucers, time machines, they're all the same." %% "Following the Geraldo Rivera `watch out for flying chairs' incident there was a deep belch of media concern about Trash Television. Newsweek, the Washington Post, and a few other publications ran anguished analyses. Television experts told us, grimly, what this trend says about our country. (I already knew what it said about our country -- `We're stupid' -- but it was fun to hear the experts say that in 25 words or more.)" -- Alex Heard %% "Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." -- George F. Will %% "For I lean on no dead kin, my name in mine for fame or scorn And the world began when I was born and the world is mine to win." -- Badger Clark %% "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" -- Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra %% "For I too am real. I am Schmendrick the Magician, the last of the red-hot swamis, and I am older than I look." -- Schmendrick the Magician, from Peter S. Beagle's "The Last Unicorn" %% "For a cool half mil, I'd be Elvis' love slave." "He wouldn't *have* you. You talk too much, you're too skinny, and you always want on top." -- It had to be said. "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive." -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition." -- Robert Briffault %% "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "For certain people after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex." -- Gore Vidal %% "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." %% "For instance, several years ago we tracked down a twelve-year-old girl who was going to have an abortion so that we could talk her out of it. Talking a woman out of having an abortion is not news. But tracking her down using a private detective is." -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro Life Action League, "Closed: 99 Ways to Stop Abortion", 1985, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "For me the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake." -- Alfred Hitchcock %% "For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise... and step into the shadow now without complaint." -- Rorschach takes a rare look backward, from WATCHMEN %% "For non-deterministic read 'Inhabited by pixies'." %% "For numerical analysis, there are theorems that are true, and theorems that are REALLY true." -- John Dennis (in Upson's Familiar Quotations) %% "For the church to say that abortion is not acceptable for a Catholic is fine. To say directly or indirectly that on something that is a church teaching that you must also vote according to that -- that's not acceptable in a country based on the First Amendment." -- Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy %% "For the last 14 years, Mr. Ed has lived in a small town in northern California, where he hosts a local radio show." "The subject tonight is Nazi transvestites. I'm Mr. Ed; talk to me." -- From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING? %% "For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays. How tacky can ya get?" -- Post Brothers comics %% "For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin %% "For the record, pot, like the "Reader's Digest", is not necessarily habit-forming, but both can lead to hard-core addiction: heroin, in one case, abridged bad books in the other. Either way you look at it, a withdrawal from a meaningful life." -- Mordecai Richler, "Going Home Again" %% "For the rest of your life you must run, Your day in the sun is done, You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run! "Big government was your creed; But now you're the last of a dying breed. So, run liberal run, Run run run run run run, Run run run RUN, Run run run run; Run run..." -- Saturday Night Live %% "For those of you who don't know, you know that after about three or four years of concern on this issue the board of the National Right to Life Committee voted to oppose ERA." -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Weekend", 1/21/79, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say just watch me." -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League, "Pro-Life Action News", 8/8/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered, for just such an emergency." -- Foghorn Leghorn %% "Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday." -- Steve Wright %% "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix." -- Rhett Buggler %% "Fraternities have no SLACK, no matter how slack-jawed they may appear. I taught elementary calculus here at the University of SLACK for several years, and have observed these folks carefully. Although some of them looked like they had SLACK, it's clear to me that this was just the result of not getting enough sleep after the puking contest. I mean, those guys don't watch enough television to have real SLACK." -- William K Glunt (bud@ms.uky.edu) %% "Free James Brown! Free James Brown!" "Hey! Why James Brown? Why aren't you concerned about Nelson Mandela?" "Hey! We take care a' our people -- you let the Eye-talians worry about Nelson Mandela!" -- From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING? %% "Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, I am free at last." -- Martin Luther King %% "Free markets select for winning solutions." -- Eric S. Raymond %% "Free?" I just love the word "free!" %% "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." -- Alan Dean Foster "To the Vanishing Point" %% "Freedom is still the most radical idea of all." -- Nathaniel Branden %% "Freedom of the press in Britain is freedom to print such of the proprietor's prejudices as the advertisers don't object to." -- Hannen Swaffer (1879-1962), in conversation with Tom Driberg, c.1928 %% "Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one." -- A. J. Liebling %% "Freedom" has no meaning of itself. There are always restrictions, be they legal, genetic, or physical. If you don't believe me, try to chew a radio signal. -- Kelvin Throop III %% "Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother." -- Germaine Greer %% "Friends don't let friends run Xenix." -- Stephen J. Friedl %% "Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. %% "From all us Slackers to all you Boomers ... HAHAHAHAHAHA! WE HAVE SATELLITE MOUNTED RAIL-GUNS! HEH HEH. Who's laughing now?" -- S. Lang %% "From an operating system research point of view, Unix is -- if not dead -- certainly old stuff, and it's clear that people should be looking beyond it." -- Dennis Ritchie, coinventor of Unix, Usenix keynote speech from Summer 1990 [and no, that doesn't mean to VMS, MS-DOS or OS/2 -cookie ed.] %% "From high atop the battered ramparts of truth and freedom... he took arms against the wicked teeming minions of infamy, reprobation, crime, subversion and wanton incontinence!" -- Flaming Carrot %% "From the beginning, I knew... that there was nothing wrong with you... that I can't fix... with my hands..." -- Archtypical Dark Knight %% "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss %% "From what I could make out, they were bragging, insulting each other, and telling off color jokes. And there was duct tape on their vehicles. I guess some things are universal." -- Sam, commenting on a Swiss F1 motorcycle racing team %% "From which room can one enter the robber's hideaway without passing through the cyclops room?" %% "Fucked by the finger of Fate!" Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. "Since dating Miss Baugh, My whole tongue has been raw-- It must have been something I ate." %% "Fuckin' A! Purple Haze!!!" -- Louie Gonzalez, Geometry class, 1973 %% "Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does." -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Funny thing about desire. If it's not crude, it's not pure." -- Dr. Caligari %% "GOTO statement considered harmful" -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, title to a letter in CACM 11, 3 (March, 1968) %% "GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible to accomplish complex actions." -- Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards) %% "Gadzooks! The Bumble Snow Monster of the North strikes again!" -- Yukon Cornellius You MUST know this one... from RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER %% "Gather up eight fruits from the islands, and make fruit salad for to feed gorilla." %% "Gee, Dad. You must really love us to sink *THIS* low." -- Bart to Homer in "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", from The Simpsons %% "Gee, this is pretty good for slop!" -- Gourmet advice from JONNY QUEST %% "Gee... these guys really ARE impervious!" -- The Badger vs. demon bike gangs from Hell. Guess who wins? %% "General, a machine becomes human when you can't tell the difference." -- From D.A.R.Y.L. %% "Gentlemen! This is a serious court proceeding, not a debating society for maladjusted psychotic sociopaths!" -- The Inquisitor %% "Gentlemen, gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the war room!" -- Doctor Strangelove %% "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." -- T. S. Elliot %% "Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet." -- Karl Kleinpaste %% "George Bush, you have just been elected president of the United States. What are you going to do now?" "I'm going to go to Disneyland!" -- A parody of the Disneyland ads, off of rec.arts.tv %% "Get a life!" -- Saturday Night Live %% "Get away from her you bitch!" -- Ripley, "Aliens" %% "Get away from her, you BITCH!" -- You wanna argue with a Woman Waldo? ALIENS %% "Get bent!" -- Bartman %% "Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!" -- Airplane! %% "Gimme a Cold Filtered Big Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite Extra-Hearty Draft Lager With The Imported Australian Taste In The Barrel-Shaped Twist-Off Bottle and a mango, please. Oh, and one of those specially-emblemed, frosted 24-ounce glasses." "We're outta 'em." "Oh. Gimme a can of Bud Lite, then." "Glass?" "Na." "That'll be five bucks." %% "Girls like her are one in a million, so I guess my chances are a million to one" -- "Love at First Sight", Jad Fair/Half-Japanese 50 Skidillion Watts Records %% "Give a hoot. Read a book." -- Krusty in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Give me a break, man!" %% "Give me a break, man!" "Oh, man!" "Hey, dude!" "Hey, Homer!" -- Bart, from The Simpsons %% "Give me a burrito. . .resistance is futile!" -- Steve Roberts, of Winnebiko and BEHEMOTH fame, to a terrified clerk at a Taco Bell drive-through %% "Give me a fruitful error any time, full of seeds, bursting with its own corrections. You can keep your sterile truth for yourself." -- Vilfredo Pareto %% "Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch." -- friend of Archimedes %% "Give us a copper, Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with the same period last year?" -- Russell Lewis %% "Give us the man," shouts the multitude, "who will step forward and take the responsibility." He is instantly the idol, the lord, and the king among men. He, then, who would command among his fellows, must excel them more in energy or will than in power of intellect. -- Burnap %% "Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." -- P. J. O'Rourke %% "Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me." %% "Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy." -- Homer in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "Go ahead: Bang your head against the wall. Be stupid." %% "Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers and gunpowder and cordite!" -- Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!" %% "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Go to Hell Mr. Stout -- you stink as a human being." -- Deb Paul %% "Go to Hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question deserves. -- Lazarus Long, From Robert A. Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" %% "Go to infra red people-look sharp!" -- Top %% "Go to it, sir! Good luck!" "Gosh, he's unflappable." "Bill, this is a nickel, and this is an orange..." -- Doonesbury %% "Go! And never darken my towels again!" -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), "Duck Soup" %% "God BLESS America! You can't do this in Russia!" -- Melvis comments on the freedoms he enjoys in America... "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "God cannot alter the past but historians can." -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) %% "God does not play dice with the universe" -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) "Albert, stop telling god what to do " -- Neils Bohr (1885-1962) %% "God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December." -- Sir James Barrie %% "God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" %% "God grant me the serenity to fix the bugs I find, and to call the rest features." -- Seen in a signoff line, uncredited %% "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I new that Santa would never lie. %% "God is in my mind, and the Devil is in my pants." -- Jonathon Winters %% "God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are." -- Billy Graham %% "God is silent," he was fond of saying, "now if we can only get Man to shut up." -- Woody Allen %% "God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen." -- Stephen Hawking %% "God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday." -- William Bragg %% "God save you from a bad neighbor and from a beginner on the fiddle." -- Italian proverb %% "God willing, we will return." -- Eugene Cernan, the Moon, 1972 %% "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -- Reinhold Niebuhr, sermon, 1934 %% "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a garage makes you a car." -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter %% "Gold leaf," said Tom guiltily. %% "Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts." -- Local Seattle comedian %% "Good God," he said, "is that the only thing you care about?" %% "Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking. I would like to remind you that according to FAA regulations, this flight has been declared a non smoking flight. If you absolutely must light up, you are invited to step outside." %% "Good drink, good meat; Good God, let's eat!" -- Homer in "Eating Dinner" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons %% "Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and Violence." -- Author unknown %% "Good men must not obey the laws too well." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Politics" %% "Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X; I am Dr. X's representative on Earth." %% "Gort, klaatu barada nikto." -- The Day the Earth Stood Still %% "Gosh, Dr. Heller... even your Death Ray doesn't work!" "By Gar! How do you kill a dead dog?" -- Flaming Carrot and Dr. Heller try to, err, kill, a dead dog %% "Gosh, I feel my IQ dropping by the minute." -- From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE %% "Gosh, Mr. Monster... You're SWELL! I wanna be jus' like you when I grow up!" "Ha Ha! Well... OF COURSE you do!" -- A sentimental moment in MR. MONSTER %% "Gosh, you could hear a pin drop in here!" said Tom disquietingly %% "Got a monkey on my back; a muh-muh-muh-muh-monkey on my back-back, back-back ... ...nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nobody's fault but mine" -- Led Zeppelin %% "Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!" -- Post Brothers Comics %% "Gov. Dukakis, rebuttal?" "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy." -- From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE %% "Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! It is a dangerous servant and a terrible master." -- George Washington %% "Government sucks." -- Ben Olson %% "Gozer the Gozerian: As the duly appointed representative of the city, county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest." -- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, "Ghostbusters") %% "Grab your Cape/And drop the phone/Your next stop is/The Joker Zone" %% "Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted wiggly things." %% "Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself." %% "Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to light the fraternity of strangers." -- Victor Hugo (1802-1885) %% "Great, you wasted all my Clearasil on another picture of Thor?" "Thor's my hero..." "Thor's a homo." "Is not." -- From ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING %% "Greep and the world greeps with you. Fnord and you fnord alone." %% "Gregor Wass, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?" -- Saturday Night Live %% "Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen." -- Pliny the Younger %% "Griswold v. Connecticut first established and guaranteed the `right of privacy' in the conjugal act. Sexual love, however, in a most profound way is anything but `private.' Its very purpose is to break the bonds of privacy by physical consummation of an unreserved gift of self. The contraceptive, however, denies the meaning of marital love by falsifying its bodily expression. Love is no longer unreserved; something is held back. `I cannot love all of you,' the contraceptive says, `because I cannot love all that might be created by you.'" -- Edmund Miller, Anti-Abortion Commentator, Fidelity magazine, 10/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Gross! GROSS! GRRROSSSS!" "But VERY Cronenberg." -- Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points. %% "Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined." -- Patrick Henry 3 Elliot at 45, Debates In The Virginia Convention %% "Guards, beat this man brutally for daring to try to confuse me!" -- Floyd Farland %% "Gud, marry me, or I'll kick yer ass." -- Honkeytonk Sue %% "Guess what I'm in for." "Uhh..." "Wait! I'll give you a hint..." -- From HEARTBREAK COMICS %% "Guess who's not hiding anymore? Ha-ha-ha!" -- ...and fair play. FLAMING CARROT %% "Gun control: Hitting what you aim at." -- Author unknown %% "Gun rights are a feminist issue." -- J. Ryerson %% "Guns are generally pretty robust, their only enemies are rust and politicians." -- Jeff Cooper %% "HAIR-PULLING?! You're actually indulging in HAIR-PULLING?! What kind of a Green Lantern are you, anyway?" "The kind that eats punks like you for *breakfast*!" -- Guy Gardner in JLI %% "HALFTIME BELONGS TO THE BANDS!!!" -- Harry T. Dinkle %% "HERE I GO" (from Barret......or is it from The Madcap Laughs??) This is a story 'bout a girl that I knew She didn't like my songs and that made me feel blue She said a big band is far better than you.... She don't rock and roll, she don't like it She don't do the stroll, well, she don't do it right Well, everything's wrong and my patience was gone when I woke one morning and remembered this song I hope that she will talk to me now, and even allow me to hold her hand and forget that old band. I strolled round to her pad Her lights were off, and that's bad Her sister said that my girl was gone "but come inside boy, and play, play, play me your song" I said yeah, here I go She's kinda cute don'cha know that after a while of seeing her smile I knew we could make, a-make it in style Now I've got all I need She and I are in love, we've agreed She likes this song and my others too so now you know my world is... 'cos this tune, what a boon this tune %% "HEY, LARRY! DITCH THE JACKET!" -- Foo-fa-raa in "Badger" %% "HONK! HONK!" -- THE BADGER in moralistic turpitude %% "HOUSEWIFE INVERTS SINGULAR MATRIX AND LIVES TO TELL TALE!!!" -- "Scientific National Enquirer" %% "Ha, but my life is but a box of wormgears." -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Habits are first cobwebs, then cables." -- Spanish proverb %% "Had he and I but met But ranged as infantry, By some old ancient inn, And staring face to face, We should have sat us down to wet I shot at him as he at me, Right many a nipperkin! And killed him in his place. I shot him dead because -- He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, Because he was my foe, Off-hand-like -- just as I -- Just so: my foe of course he was; Was out of work -- had sold his traps -- That's clear enough; although No other reason why. Yes; quaint and curious war is! You shoot a fellow down You'd treat, if met where any bar is Or help to half-a-crown." -- Thomas Hardy %% "Hah. I know Tim Maroney. I've smoked pot with Tim Maroney. And K*nt Paul Dolan is no Tim Maroney!" -- Gary Strand, gary@cgdra.ucar.edu %% "Hair from here to here." %% "Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel." -- John Churton Collins %% "Half the truth is often a great lie." -- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) %% "Hand over all your money in a paper bag!" "Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store you know." -- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--" [aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!" "--I would like..." -- Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy" %% "Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the moment." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Happily, I read English." [Draws sword] "Then read it happily." -- Exchange in the 1950s production of IVANHOE %% "Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip." -- anon %% "Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length." -- Robert Frost %% "Happy people are just so gross." %% "Harcourt Fenton Mudd !!! Is that liquor I smell on your breath? Where have you been 'til all hours of the night?" %% "Hard work Never hurt Anybody, but Why take Chances?" %% "Has anybody seen my legs?" -- Barney Miller %% "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes, I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." -- E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372 %% "Hasta Lambada, Dudes" -- Bart, from The Simpsons %% "Hasta la Vista...Abey." -- Bart Simpson as John Wilkes Booth %% "Have a Nice Day, Somewhere Else" %% "Have a nice day," said Lady Macbeth. -- Edward Abbey %% "Have a nice diurnal anomaly." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Have a van, now, load with weapons Packed up and ready to go.... Sound of gun fire off in the distance....." -- Talking Heads %% "Have some wine," the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. "I don't see any wine," she remarked. "There isn't any," said the March Hare. -- Lewis Carroll %% "Have you ever seen a spleen that large?" "Whoa, no .. not since breakfast." -- Fletch %% "Have you fed the dragon yet? If not, persevere . . . and have you found the secret behind the magic trees yet? 'go frame' won't work underground." %% "Have you got a 27 B stroke 6?" -- Brazil %% "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long." %% "Have you noticed the underground mazes yet? There are four of them, one below each island. If you manage to thread through them, you'll find a short-cut between the islands. Also, have you investigated the cactus and banana tree? Have you used the fountain of youth?" %% "Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?" "No..." "It's the central preoccupation of my life." -- Joe vs. the Volcano %% "Have you: Tried the other two spells? Fed the dragon & gorilla? Gone through the gem hall & the ice caverns? Obtained the bracelet? Ankh? amulet? Amethyst? Explored *everywhere*? Remember, the treasures belong in the observatory." %% "Haven't seen you for nigh onto three years. Where you been, Eddie?" "Drunk. Feeling frisky tonight, boys?" -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? %% "Haven't you seen me somewhere before?" "I know the name, but I can't remember the face." -- Woody Allen, "What's New, Pussycat?" %% "Having a family is like having a bowling alley in your brain." -- Martin Mull %% "Hawaii is a part of the United States that is an island and is right here." -- Dan Quayle, while in Hawaii %% "Hawk, we're going to die." "Never say die...and certainly never say we." -- M*A*S*H %% "Hayl, you know an' I know that th' only way in th' world we can get that kind o' money is if we found a bottle of Coke with a mouse in it." -- Randy Quaid explains funding to Pee-Wee Herman on a SNL episode %% "He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" %% "He didn't run for reelection. `Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'" -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" %% "He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy. He doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man." -- Monty Python %% "He don't know me vewy well, DO he?" -- Bugs Bunny %% "He even looks like God... except his hands are in his pockets." "They should be, he's got four dead Presidents in 'em." -- Albert Finny and a forgotten actress in "Wolfen" %% "He gets lost on random walks." %% "He goes on about the wailing and gnashing of teeth. It comes in one verse after another, and it is quite manifest to the reader that there is a certain pleasure in contemplating the wailing and gnashing of teeth, or else it would not occur so often." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967), "Why I Am Not a Christian" %% "He had studied at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he had learned to write equations of the most abstruse kind, without as much as a tremble of the chalk. -- Isaac Asimov "More Things in Heaven and Earth" %% "He is a big clog in their machine." -- about Ted Williams, also Tony Perez -- Yogi Berra %% "He is a big clog in their machine." -- Yogi Berra %% "He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..." -- Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem" %% "He seems to think that posterity is a pack-horse, always ready to be loaded." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "He sees things from an unusual vintige[sic] point." %% "He started to count to ten. He was desperately worried that one day sentient life forms would forget how to do this. Only by counting could humans demonstrate their independence of computers." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived." -- Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda %% "He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk Descending from the bus: He looked again, and found it was A Hippopotamus: 'If this should stay to dine,' he said, 'There won't be much for us.'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" %% "He thought he saw a Buffalo Upon the chimney-piece: He looked again, and found it was His sister's husband's niece. 'Unless you leave this house,' he said, 'I'll send for the Police!'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" %% "He thought he saw a Rattlesnake That questioned him in Greek, He looked again and found it was The Middle of Next Week. 'The one thing I regret,' he said, 'Is that it cannot speak!'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" %% "He thought he saw an Elephant, That practiced on a fife: He looked again, and found it was A letter from his wife. 'At length I realize,' he said, 'The bitterness of life!'" -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" %% "He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..." -- Stephen Wright %% "He was a real professional, and a hard worker." -- Marilyn Chambers, talking about John Holmes %% "He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice." -- Batman (movie) %% "He was dull in a new way, and that made many people think him GREAT." -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), on Thomas Grey %% "He was flying, but like they say, what goes up - must come down." -- Marshall about Simon, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "He was sweet and sincere and giving and good... AND A CHERISHED NEIGHBOR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A FATE!! "Nevertheless, better him than me. Amen." -- Eulogy given by Banana PC Jr to Opus in "Bloom County" %% "He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the accomplice of liars and forgers." -- French philosopher Charles Peguy %% "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -- Fredrich Nietzsche (1844-1900), "Jenseits von Gut und Bose" %% "He who flames improperly risks making an ash of himself!" -- Jeff Klumpp (jdk@ficc.uu.net) %% "He who has never hoped can never despair." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Caesar and Cleopatra", Act IV %% "He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts." -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% "He who uses an 8088 will be reincarnated as one." -- Anonymous Netter %% "He works for that import-outport bank." %% "He'd make a fine addition to the team, Batman... if only he wasn't so lacking in energy and enthusiasm." "We'll have to get him to work on that." -- 24th century manners, courtesy of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE %% "He'p me! Somebody, pleez, he'p me! I been hypmotize'!" -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "He's a bit too theatrical for my taste." "Mr. Rogers is too theatrical for your taste, darling..." -- Married and Superheroes from JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL %% "He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind we're looking for. This man is an I.R.S. agent." -- The Badger, Ham and a Van Helsing pig stalk vampires in "Badger" %% "He's a virtual genius. He's just swapped out right now." %% "He's everywhere! He's everywhere!" %% "He's going to kill me. I KNOW it. That's the kind of day it's been." -- One of those days for the Black Cat %% "He's not Santa Claus...He doesn't LOOK like Santa Claus!" "Don't judge a book by its hide, kid. I let folks believe that `fat, jolly' nonsense 'cause it makes 'em FEEL good. So, are you tots gonna bust me out of here, or stand there gaping like trout?" -- Gumby's Winter Fun Special %% "He's not dumb; he knows what he's doing. He's done that for years ... he's learned that if the dream's big enough, the facts don't count." -- Billy Florence, on the value of dreambuilding %% "He's not just an experimentalist. He's an antitheorist!" %% "He's our leader! The wisest of us all! At least, that's what my parents always say." -- Just another misguided super-ape from BLUE DEVIL %% "He's right. There's nothin back here." -- Cprl Hicks %% "Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself." -- Bart in "There's No Disgrace Like Home", from The Simpsons %% "Heard you were moving your piano, so I cam over to help." "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." "Do it alone?" "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." "How would that help?" "Used a whip." %% "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895 %% "Hee hee hee! That Marmaduke..." -- The Simpsons %% "Hell's not so bad, as long as you don't mind eating at Arby's." -- Nick Bonesteel %% "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, "I won't suck his filthy old prick! It's not that I funk At a mouthful of spunk, But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" %% "Helllooo, BAAYYbee ... yeah, this is the Big Bopper speakin'" %% "Hello again, Peabody here..." -- Mister Peabody %% "Hello stranger, who are you?" - %% "Hello to married men I've known. I'll soon have a wife and leave yours alone." -- Charlie, singing "Go Home With Bonnie Jean", in Lerner's and Lowe's "Brigadoon" %% "Hello! Operator! Get me the number for 911!" -- The Simpsons %% "Hello, Chase and Sanborn," said the little brother to his big sister's flame. "Why address me as 'Chase and Sanborn,' Tommy?" "Oh, your date's on the can." %% "Hello, Laughing Academy? Please to send zee Viggy Vagon to..." "Richard, please..." -- The elastic joker from HERO SANDWICH %% "Hello, just in case you were wondering the checks in the mail. If you weren't, then tell my wonderful answering machine just what was on your mind." %% "Hello, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again. Thank you." -- The MIT phone system message for unused extensions %% "Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent %% "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to DIE!" "Stop saying that!" -- "The Princess Bride" %% "Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks!" -- Zippy the Pinhead %% "Hello? Hello? I can't hear you. I guess that's 'cos I'm not at home right now. But if you'll leave a message, I'll be sure to get back to you..." %% "Hello?... What?... Yes, Jeff... Flame them." -- phone conversation overheard in Peter da Silva's office %% "Help Mr. Wizard!" -- Tennessee Tuxedo %% "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!" -- Monty Python "Holy Grail" %% "Hemorrhaging Brain" : peppermint schnapps in a shot or martini glass with *VERY* cold Bailey's Irish Cream poured *slowly* onto top (for the brain effect). And a dash of Grenadine.really gross looking but very tasty! %% "Her eyes were cold and harsh...which made them tough to chew." -- Danno %% "Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth..." -- Lily Tomlin %% "Here comes Mr. Bill's dog." -- Narrator, Saturday Night Live %% "Here's a floppy with a tar of a compressed cpio archive... and they say Unix is hard to use..." -- Karl %% "Here's on for you. What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'" "Moisture" -- From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor" %% "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery.'" -- Comedian Jay Leno %% "Here's to good friends Tonight is kinda stupid The beer we'll pour Is something we'll ignore somehow... So tonight, tonight, Let it be Lowbrau." "Lowbrau, the beer for those times when you just don't feel sophisticated." %% "Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman, and the first 6 letters of it are the downfall of all of the others. %% "Hey Charlie, what's that noise?" "I dunno -- must be SKYLAB!" -- Dogs In Space %% "Hey Dad, if I saved up my allowance, could I buy a monkey?" "Of course not!" "OK, then I won't save up." -- Leave It To Beaver %% "Hey Dad, you crossed my line of death!" -- Robocop %% "Hey Ivan, check your six." -- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail of a Russian Su-27 %% "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of muy hat!" "But that trick NEVER works!" "This time fer sure!" %% "Hey buddy, wanta go look for UFO's?" -- Marshall to Simon, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "Hey isn't that cute; a boy and his rock" Belayer answers, "More like a rock and his boy!" -- David Brandson Calloway, dbcallow@eos.ncsu.edu %% "Hey listen, I only said those things so I could sleep with her. Honest!" %% "Hey! I've got a TERRIFIC idea! Let's go visit JOHN BYRNE!" "Hey, yeah! Everyone loves fanzines with JOHN BYRNE in them!" "This'll be GREAT! Maybe he'll say something about HOMOS!" -- Chuck and Jim anticipate the John Byrne interview %% "Hey! You didn't read me my rights!" "This is Mexico, pal. The only Miranda they've heard of around here wears bananas on her head." -- I dunno... I got it from Jerry Boyajian %% "Hey, Flaming Carrot!... What makes you so brave?" "It's my birthday. Now get outta here!" -- FLAMING CARROT %% "Hey, George. Our Soviet Masters on line 3." -- Doonesbury %% "Hey, Homer!" -- Bart %% "Hey, I think his heart has stopped." "Let's give him a few more minutes." -- Penny and Hopey discussing the results of a sexual encounter in LOVE & ROCKETS %% "Hey, Max -- Wake up! You're missing all the fun!" "What?" "A seven-foot specter of evil appeared in front of the car, so I ran over it. Sounded like a bag of laundry going under. Hope I didn't hurt the tires. Want a fig newton?" -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?" -- Giancana [small talk] %% "Hey, did you hear Stallman has replaced /vmunix with /vmunix.el? Now he can finally have the whole O/S built-in to his editor like he always wanted. %% "Hey, don't drink that poison -- it's four dollars an ounce!" -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977), "A Day at the Races" %% "Hey, er..." said Zaphod, "what's your name?" The man looked at them doubtfully. "I don't know. Why, do you think I should have one? It seems very odd to give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Hey, gimme five dollars!" "Kid, does the name Bernhard Goetz mean anything to you?" -- From "The American" %% "Hey, kid, you just saved our lives, you know that?" "Oh, well, it was nothing really...." "Was it? Oh well, forget it then." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Hey, man, I'm an electrician!" "MAKE MY DAY! MAKE MY DAY!" -- Doonesbury %% "Hey, nice coat, man. What's in the pink box?" %% "Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt demonstration a few more times. It's unbelievably tricky!" -- Herman %% "Hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off." -- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Hey, this is not a lending library. Put the magazine back or I'll blow your heads off." -- Apu, the Kwik-E-Mart clerk, in "Krusty Gets Busted" from The Simpsons %% "Hey, wait a minute. This is a script! There must be a writer around here somewhere." "Ya know, I never thought of it, but there's a logic to that. Otherwise, everybody'd make things up as they go along, and we'd have chaos." -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "Hey-AY!! Take it easy, Ralphie-boy!!" -- Ed Norton %% "Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl." %% "Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke." -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL %% "Hi, I'm Simon. Are you a girl or a lady?" -- Simon (to Melanie), "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..." %% "Hi. I'm Luther. Dumb ol' Luther -- the happy sidekick. The comedy relief. And I'm going to kill you." -- Luthor's cybernetic logic finally gives, in AMERICAN FLAGG! %% "Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP" -- And the Devil Himself, from Blue Devil comics %% "Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will include bombing Tripoli." %% "Hi. This is God." "Uh-Oh..." -- Doonesbury %% "Hide the wenches and batten down the access codes... yer about to be boarded, ye scurvy network news dogs! Har Har..." -- "Bloom County" %% "Hideous creatures from other dimensions! What'll I do? What'll I DO?!" -- The BADGER considers an everyday problem %% "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich %% "His five-year mission to seek out and explore strange new worlds, and sell Advanced Music Substitute Systems to their restaurants, elevators, and wine bars!" -- So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish %% "His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." -- Flaming Carrot %% "Historical reminder: always put Horace before Descartes." -- Donald o. Rickter %% "History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions." -- Ted Koppel %% "History is made at night. Character is what you are in the dark." -- Doctor Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin in "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "Hit and run means never having to say you're sorry" %% "Hiyo God Damn Silver." -- Oliver Queen in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS %% "Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country? Well, at least we know where you stand now. I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms. Equality is not the same as identical. If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of trouble programming in C." -- Russell Nelson, nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu %% "Hmmm... volcanic activity in the greater Sioux City area." -- Weather conditions in BULLET CROW %% "Hmmmmm!" -- Marge, when she thinks Homer has screwed up, from The Simpsons %% "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!" -- Daffy Duck %% "Hold still while I flame you." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Holy Yornado!" -- Simon, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% "Holy jumping Mother O' God in a sidecar with chocolate Jimmies and a Lobster Bib!" -- The superbly loony "Sam and Max" %% "Home is is the place where your computer lives and runs your life." -- Chrome Cowboy, sobiloff@thor.acc.stolaf.edu %% "Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Women in the Home" %% "Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. %% "Honest Crocus worships at the font of free enterprise." -- NEXUS %% "Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy I would never had lit one." -- Maxim of the Hells Angels %% "Honesta turpitudo est pro causa bona." (Crime is honest in a good cause.) -- Publilius Syrus (1st cent. B.C.) %% "Honey, this is GREAT coffee." -- Harrison Ford in "Witness" %% "Hope this is the RIGHT guy!" -- THE BADGER %% "Hot Rodders--America's first recyclers!" -- Mark Looper looper@asgard.srl.caltech.edu %% "How To Tell A Businessman From A Businesswoman" A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy. He is careful about details; she is picky. He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she's bitchy. He's depressed (be hung over), so everyone tiptoes past his office; she's moody, so it must be her time of the month. He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit. He's firm; she's stubborn. He makes wise judgments; she reveals her prejudices. He is a man of the world; she's been around. He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's opinionated. He exercises authority; she's tyrannical. He's discreet; she's secretive. He's a stern taskmaster; she's difficult to work for. %% "How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck." -- Steve Kravitz %% "How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved." -- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) %% "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." %% "How can I tell...that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?" -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "How can a man of integrity get along in Washington?" -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988) %% "How could you tell?" -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), on being told of the death of President Coolidge %% "How dare they jail me! Those freedom-loving American JERKS!" -- Godless Commie Scientist from ATOMIC MAN COMICS %% "How did the poet Mayakovsky die?" "Suicide." "What were his last words?" "'Don't shoot, comrades!'" %% "How did you find the weather when you were on vacation?" "Just went outside and there it was." %% "How do I explain to clients that society believes buying a rock (of cocaine) is three or four times as bad as raping a woman?" -- Robert Jakovitch, Broward [FL] Assistant Public Defender [from AP story 12 July 1990] %% "How do you do your squid?" "Fine. How do _you_ do, sir?" -- Molly Dodd %% "How do you feel?" "Like a military academy; bits of me keep on passing out." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun." -- I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230 %% "How does this sound..? `Stop, or I'll stand very, very still for a surprisingly long time!'" -- the Secret Origin of Legion of Substitute Heroes %% "How eccentric can we be if we live in a place like Lexington?" -- Boston Globe article on The High Tech Set %% "How is this possible?" "We keep him upstairs in a big plastic bubble." -- Doonesbury, referring to Zonker Harris %% "How long will I have to wait for a table?" Tom asked without reservation %% "How many men you got 'ere, Colonel?" "Oh, 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery, and 2 divisions of paratroops." "Paratroops, Dino!" "It'd be a shame of someone was to set fire to dem." "Set fire to them?!" "Fire's 'appen, Colonel." "Fings's burn..." -- Monty Python %% "How many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice?" -- Monty Python %% "How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" %% "How many wilderness areas do we need?" "How many Brahms symphonies do we need?" -- Robert Marshall %% "How much for the little girl? Your women -- how much for the women?" -- The Blues Brothers %% "How often does the train go by?" "So often you don't even notice it." -- The Blues Brothers %% "How should long girls be courted?" "The same as the short ones." %% "How should we amortize the cost of the equipment over its expected lifetime." %% "How tall was King Kong?" -- The Stuntman %% "How the hell do I know why there are Nazis? I don't know why the can opener works." -- Hannah and Her Sisters %% "How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." -- Steve Martin %% "How was it, little buddy?" "It was dark, like a cave, and there were no toilets -- just black, smoking holes in the walls and floor! Giant roaches howled like damned souls as they skittered along the mouldered grout-work!" -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "How young can you die of old age?" -- Steven Wright %% "How'd you get that flat?" "Ran over a bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Damn kid had it under his coat." %% "How's YOUR Endless Project coming?" -- Mark Diekhans %% "Howard Hughes, John Wayne, Melvis Wesley." "Rocket scientists all." -- A wry dinosaur in "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "However well you do [in your Tripos exams] you always find there's someone from Trinity who's beaten you." %% "However, due to terrible miscalculation of scale, the entire invasion fleet was swallowed by a small dog." -- HGttG %% "Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!" -- The University of Wallamaloo Philosophy Dept. Sketch, via Monty Python %% "Huh ?" -- Apple's MPW C compiler %% "Human nature is so constructed that it gives affection most readily to those who seem least to demand it." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% "Humor is the affectionate communication of insight." -- Leo Rosten %% "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But oil!" -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" %% "Hurry! They're freaking out on stale Heineken!!" "I'M A FROG! I'M A FROG!" -- "Bloom County" %% "I 'grok' people...I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts...because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting." -- Valentine Michael Smith ("The Man from Mars") in Robert A. Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" %% "I *LIKE* IT!!" -- Delinquent w/cannon in ROBOCOP %% "I ... reject the argument put forth by many fundamentalists that science has nothing to do with religion because God is not among the things making up the universe in which we live. Surely if a necessity for a god-concept in the universe ever turns up, that necessity will become evident to the scientist." -- physicist Ralph Alpher, "Theology of the Big Bang," Religious Humanism, Vol. XVII, No. 1 (Winter 1983), pg. 12 %% "I Always push the doors marked pull!" %% "I DO want your money, because god wants your money!" -- The Reverend Jimmy, from "Repo Man" %% "I Don't Charge Tax, I Collect It" -- Mark E. Sunderlin aka Dr. Megabyte %% "I HATE arbitrary limits, especially when they're small." -- Stephen Savitzky %% "I SAID I LOVE ALL MANKIND *DAMMIT*!!" -- A deity from CEREBUS %% "I absolutely have no idea at all," Tom said thoughtlessly. %% "I admire men of character, and I judge character not by how men deal with their superiors, but mostly how they deal with their subordinates, and that, to me, is where you find out what the character of a man is." -- General Norman Schwarzkopf %% "I admit it freely -- I'm not a positive thinker. On STAR TREK, the beautiful alien with the green hair and the taut belly would always say to Captain Kirk, `Oh one called Jim, what is this thing you call a kiss?' If that alien were here today (and in my Perfect World, believe me, she would be), she would gaze at me lovingly and say, `Oh one called Ian, what is this thing you call a sneer?' That's the kind of guy I am. Captain Kirk and I both want the same thing: the whole-hearted devotion of a naive alien. And if certain things stand in our way -- Klingons for Kirk, reality for me -- well, we just have to suck in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for the best." -- Merle Kessler, IAN SHOALES' PERFECT WORLD %% "I alone can bring order to this chaotic world... and all I demand is ... blind obedience." -- Doctor Doom %% "I always prefer to believe the best of everybody -- it saves so much trouble." -- Rudyard Kipling %% "I always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe" -- Aurthur Dent The Restaurant at the end of the Universe %% "I always wanted to marry someone who was tall, handsome, and rich. Three out of three I gave up on." -- Woody Allen, "Radio Days" %% "I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth" -- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly] %% "I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion und a yacht." -- Looney Tunes, Hare Brush (1955, Friz Freleng) %% "I am FLAMING CARROT! Even best friends fear me a little!" %% "I am Number Two." "WHO IS NUMBER ONE?...." "You are Number Six." "I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE MAN!" -- The Prisoner %% "I am a deeply superficial person." -- Warhol %% "I am a good boy. I am a good man. I am a good girl." "What is this, propaganda?" -- Mae West (My Little Chickadee) %% "I am absolutely without flaw, and don't you f***ing forget it!" -- Harlan Ellison %% "I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." -- Carl Sandburg %% "I am astounded ... at the wonderful power you have developed - and terrified at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record forever." -- Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison's new talking machine in 1888 %% "I am aware that many object to the severity of my language; but is there not cause for severity? I WILL be as harsh as truth, and as uncompromising as justice. On this subject I do not wish to think, or speak, or write, with moderation...I am in earnest - I will not equivocate - I will not excuse - I will not retreat a single inch - and I WILL BE HEARD." -- William Lloyd Garrison %% "I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go by some more." -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM, in alt.conspiracy %% "I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." -- Professor Bernardo de la Paz %% "I am grim... and harsh... and ripe with fury! I fight and kill and howl and get *all bloody*! I go bowling whenever I want!" -- The Carrot's statements on life... %% "I am immune to all such things, my friend. As a youth, a certain amount of head-bangin' and metal-bashin' left my synapses so callous, no mind-alterin' substances are in charge." -- Blank Reg %% "I am interested in politics so that someday I will not have to be interested in politics." -- Ayn Rand %% "I am just," moaned a girl from Racine, "A perpetual motion machine. I can't help it. I must. For I service the lust Of a sex-starved young U.S. Marine." %% "I am made from the dust of the stars, the oceans flow in my veins." -- Rush, "Presto" %% "I am no longer a snow climber. I am a snow walker." -- Reinhold Messner %% "I am no more humble than my talents require." -- Oscar Levant %% "I am not a climber, I am an adventurer." -- Reinhold Messner %% "I am not a free man...but I'm reasonable!" #6. %% "I am not a musician, I'm a HAM" -- Ozzy Osborne %% "I am not a number! I am a free man!" -- Number Six %% "I am not a pacifist, I celebrate the Fourth of July and all that that means, which was guns and bullets to get freedom." -- Randall Terry, Executive Director, Operation Rescue, "Orange County Register," 3/20/89, about abortion clinic violence, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "I am not permitted to enter the prison cell." %% "I am not sincere, even when I say I am not." -- Jules Renard %% "I am only a stupid robot and cannot perform that command." %% "I am out there saving the world from Commies and Martians who will eat your feet... and he's making peanut brittle in my washer!" -- The Flaming Carrot bitches... %% "I am sorry but that action is difficult in the absence of a mouth." %% "I am successful because I am the only person in my city who is not heavily addicted to powerful narcotics." -- Cerebus %% "I am thankful for one leg. To limp is no disgrace -- I may not be number one, but I can still run the race." -- B.C. %% "I am the Devil, and I come to do the Devil's work." -- Charles Manson %% "I am the Shadow Man, and *I* will never harm the person under whose bed *I* live." "Glad to hear it, my man... Hey, don't stay out too late, and when you get back, make sure you shut the window." -- An unusual roomie from The Twilight Zone episode "The Shadow Man" %% "I am the Supreme Being, you know. I'm not entirely dim." -- Sir Ralph Richardson as God (he's probably at the right hand of Him, anyway) in TIME BANDITS %% "I am your density." -- George McFly in "Back to the Future" %% "I am, therefore I am." -- Akira %% "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." -- Dave Barry %% "I ask for your support for our brave men fighting tonight halfway around the world, not for territory, not for glory, but that their younger brothers and their sons and your sons can have a chance to grow up in a world of peace and freedom, and justice." -- Richard Milhouse Nixon, April 30, 1970 %% "I asked you not to have a spaz attack in tx.general, BUT NOOOOO!!!!" -- Karl, via John Belushi %% "I beg your pardon?" said Alice. "It isn't respectable to beg," said the King. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us." -- Konrad Lorenz %% "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." -- Neil Armstrong %% "I believe in 8 of the 10 commandments" -- Steve Martin %% "I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -- Frank Lloyd Wright %% "I believe in a God which doesn't need heavy financing." -- Fletch %% "I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on." -- Steve Martin %% "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." -- Steve Martin %% "I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on." -- Steve Martin %% "I believe in the family. Mom and Dad and Grandma and Uncle Tod who waves his penis." -- Steve Martin %% "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin %% "I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard." -- composer John Cage, 1937 %% "I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the rights of the people by the gradual & silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." -- James Madison, Virginia Conv. 1788 %% "I bequeath," said Tom willingly. %% "I beseech John Byrne that when The Star Brand obliterates Pittsburgh, that he spare the Captain's Table in the Pittsburgh airport, which serves a steak on toasted garlic bread with Bearnaise sauce that is second to none..." -- Dave Sim %% "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there." -- Steve Wright %% "I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..." -- Stephen Wright %% "I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house." -- Steve Wright %% "I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see "Bambi", the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer "Rambo III"." -- Townsend Davis %% "I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." -- Steve Wright %% "I broke it??!!? Well, FUCK ME!!!" %% "I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass... ...and I'm all out of bubble gum." -- From THEY LIVE! %% "I came home one evening and felt very uncomfortable. Something was wrong. I finally realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate." %% "I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) %% "I can give you a sentence with the word horticulture. You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% "I can give you a sentence with the word punctilious. There's a farmer with two daughters, Lizzie and Tillie. Lizzie is all right, but you have no idea how punctilious." -- Another member of the Algonquin Round Table %% "I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't." -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" %% "I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining." -- Lily Tomlin %% "I can not say that I don't disagree with you." -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977) %% "I can prove that if there is life anywhere else in the world, they will have a Marxist economy." -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memories" %% "I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I can repeat poetry as well as other folk if it comes to that--" "Oh, it needn't come to that!" Alice hastily said. -- Lewis Carroll %% "I can say with confidence I know a fair bit about LSD." -- Dan Rather %% "I can see T is tending to infinity for you as well." %% "I can see stopping a car for a dog. But a cat? You squish a cat and go on. I think we're overcomplicating life." -- Iowa Democratic State Senator James Gallagher %% "I can stand it just fine and I'm therefore NOT leaving the kitchen!" exclaimed Tom heatedly %% "I can tell a Moriarty when I see one. This crime is from London, not America." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear" %% "I can understand the indifference of others, but SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING about this SOON -- before NOBODY CAN DO ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!" -- William Kahan (shouting), 16 Feb 1990, on why `0.0/0.0' should not %% "I can't C with my AI closed" %% "I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry." -- The Simpsons %% "I can't believe that Henry Kissinger actually said `Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.' I loved Edie's comment: `The bombing of Vietnam shows what it takes for him to get it up!'" -- Jane Wagner %% "I can't believe you haven't had sex in 200 years." "204 if you count my marriage." -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" %% "I can't do anything to the death - doctor's orders." -- Woody Allen, "Love and death" %% "I can't face the world in the morning. I must have coffee before I can speak." -- Joseph Cotton in Shadow of a Doubt %% "I can't find my wallet," said Phil poorly. ("I'm trying!" Dan joked poorly) %% "I can't hear what you're saying because of the noise of the celery I'm chewing in my ears." %% "I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything said about the masses. First you take their faces from 'em by calling 'em the masses and then you accuse 'em of not having any faces." -- J. B. Priestley (1733-1804) %% "I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the forms, you've got to kill the people producing them." -- Vladimir Kabaidze, General Director of the Ivanovo Machine Building Works %% "I can't think of anything more relaxing than being locked in a moving car with YOU for about 300 hours, little pal." "That's really sweet, Sam. I may weep openly." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "I cannot perform that action for you." %% "I chose and my world was shaken. So what? The choice may have been mistaken -- The choosing was not." -- Stephen Sondheim, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE %% "I collect rare photographs. One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car." -- Steve Wright %% "I consider trial by jury as the only anchor yet imagined by man, by which a government can be held to the principles of its constitution." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "I contemplate with sovereign reverence the act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and state." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), to the Danbury (Connecticut) Baptist Association in 1802 %% "I cook with gas, I ride in tractors, I drink with deceased movie actors." -- Badger Rap, from "Badger" %% "I could be a country-western singer. I just got done writing my latest song: If I had met you earlier, I would have gotten rid of you long before now. %% "I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in my chair, knowing a man such as Moriarty walked the streets of London unchallenged." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem" %% "I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course." -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach %% "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand..." -- Peter Oakley %% "I created her for *my* needs -- and only mine! You ought to see what she can do with six bottles of milk and a tuning fork..." %% "I detest your opinions, but defend to the death your right to hold them." -- Voltaire (1694-1778) %% "I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's nobody that can prove anything." -- Bart in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "I didn't kill Grandpa! Society killed Grandpa!!" -- Bart %% "I didn't resolve the questions... and I find that entertaining. And if my life were to end tomorrow, it would be fulfilled in that manner. I would say, 'The questions have been terrific.'" -- Jack Kirby on his work %% "I didn't want to die and go to actor heaven or actor hell and have some guy come up to me and say, 'You were a star and you didn't do Shakespeare?'" -- Dustin Hoffman on doing Shylock. (12/31/89 Playbill) %% "I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll- like-what-we-give-you attitude. I like commodity markets in which iron-and- silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types like me to play with..." -- Eric S. Raymond %% "I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk." -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" %% "I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does." -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" %% "I do love a lay every day, So whenever you're coming this way Just phone in advance And I'll jerk off my pants, And we're set for a sexy soiree!" %% "I do not fear computers... I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov %% "I do not resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it parts for the time with reality." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "I do not take drugs. I am drugs." -- Salvador Dali (still alive, 9/27/88) %% "I do not think the United States government is responsible for the fact that a bunch of fanatics decided to kill themselves" -- Slick Willie the Compassionate %% "I don't Bolivia." "Denmark my words, you'll regret it." %% "I don't DESERVE this!! I haven't even KILLED anyone in this issue!" -- Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents %% "I don't agree at all with any partisan or other criticism of the United States build-up in Vietnam." -- Richard Milhouse Nixon, February 15, 1962 %% "I don't believe in psychology. I believe in good moves." -- Bobby Fischer %% "I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon." -- Howard Chaykin %% "I don't believe that the answer to white racism is black racism." -- Spiro T. Agnew, then Governor of Maryland %% "I don't even listen to 2 Live Crew, being more of a John Denver kind of guy." -- Scott Dietzen "First off, I'm embarrassed to be Dietzen's friend because I don't like anyone who listens to John Denver. I want everyone to know that he threw that in there just to make you think he was a complete idiot." -- Bill Chiles %% "I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then bragging about it afterward in seedy space-rangers bars, like some cops I could mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously and then I agonize about it afterwards for hours to my girlfriend!" -- Douglas Adams %% "I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing." %% "I don't know if I like the idea of seatbelt laws. Enforcing intelligence seems, somehow, unamerican." -- David Pugh %% "I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God." -- George Bush in Free Inquiry magazine, Fall 1988 %% "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone." -- Bill Cosby %% "I don't know what their gripe is. A critic is simply someone paid to render opinions glibly." "Critics are grinks and groinks." -- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics %% "I don't know what you want here, but I think you should know that I've killed a LOT of old people in my time, and I'm not above doing it again." -- WKRP in Cincinatti %% "I don't know where we come from, Don't know where we're going to, And if all this should have a reason, We would be the last to know. So let's just hope there is a promised land, And until then, ...as best as you can." -- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby" %% "I don't like people who speak French in public places. This includes the French." -- Ian Shoales %% "I don't like this... it was too easy." "You think it was a trap, huh?" "NAH... It was just too easy... I didn't get to shoot NEAR enough people..." -- Kelvin Mace and Assistant %% "I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the facts." -- Will Rogers %% "I don't mind you *thinking* I'm stupid, but don't *talk* to me like I'm stupid." -- Harlan Ellison %% "I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, 'Go play outside!'" -- "Calvin and Hobbes" %% "I don't need psychotherapy, I have a CAR!!" -- Hans Fiedler %% "I don't often make a mistake, but when I do, it's a beaut." -- Fiorello La Guardia %% "I don't patronize bunny rabbits!" -- Heathers %% "I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to." -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs %% "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." %% "I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Celebrated Jumping Frog" %% "I don't see the point of lecturers talking, except to resolve some of the ambiguities in their handwriting." %% "I don't see the problem. Satan is a Christian God. Satanists are a kind of off-beat christians. They don't need a group of their own -- they belong in some christian group, or talk.religion.misc at most." -- Thomas Gramstad (bfu@ifi.uio.no) %% "I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like people who do." -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "I don't think Christians should use birth control. You consummate your marriage as often as you like and if you have babies, you have babies." -- Randall Terry, one of the people behind the current campaign to blockade health clinics and publicly harass and humiliate women %% "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. %% "I don't think we should punish the criminal [a rapist] by killing his child." -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Search for Common Ground", taped for television 4/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "I don't vote. It just encourages them." -- A Maine woman %% "I don't want a pickle I just want to ride on my motor-sickle..." -- Arlo Guthrie %% "I don't want no Commies in my car... no Christians either." -- REPO MAN %% "I don't want to die! Existence is one of my strong points!" %% "I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to illustrate some of the tedium." %% "I don't want to say she was loose. I believe the term we use today is USER FRIENDLY." -- Emo Phillips %% "I drank WHAT???????" -- Socrates (470?-399 B.C.) %% "I drive fast. I drive safely. The two are *not* mutually exclusive, contrary to popular delusion." -- CCb %% "I err, therefore I exist." -- St. Augustine %% "I feared that the committee would decide to go with their previous decision unless I credibly pulled a full tantrum." -- dmr@alice.UUCP %% "I feel lightheaded, Sam. I think my brain is out of air. But it's kind of a neat feeling." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "I feel like I know her, but sometimes my arms bend back." -- Twin Peaks %% "I feel like alien cells are replicating and superseding my internal organs." -- Howard The Duck %% "I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if 500 billion dollars cried out in terror, and suddenly vanished." -- Obi Ben Bosky, 10/19/87 Harold Feld, the BEM from Alderann %% "I figure it's survival of the fittest. The dumb one's will die." -- John Bachar %% "I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." -- Fran Lebowitz %% "I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers." -- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is so nice %% "I filled my humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny." -- Steve Wright %% "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the cows came home." %% "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977) %% "I find the defendant guilty as charged," he said judiciously. %% "I flew it by ear." %% "I followed you." "I saw no one." "That is what you may expect to see when I follow you." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle "Sherlock Holmes: The Devil's Foot" %% "I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise." -- Steven Wright %% "I found this seance to pass the most stringent tests of credulity, with the minor exception of a phonograph, which was found under Madame Reynaud's dress." -- Without Feathers -- Woody Allen %% "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." -- Gotama Buddha %% "I get all these stories mixed up, the headlines come so fast... the money, the money that the Rev. Jim Bakker allegedly gave to that church secretary: I want to know how much of that money went to the Contras in Nicuraugua and I want to know NOW!" -- Mark Russell %% "I give up then. If Mozart can't justify our continued existence, nothing can." -- Max, a man in love with the minutae and beauty of life, from ZOT! %% "I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "I got a question for ya. Ya got a minute?" -- two programmers passing in the hall %% "I got a touch of pantomime poisoning." -- Yogi Berra %% "I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet." "Now why didn't I think of that?" -- Post Brothers Comics %% "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it you never called me again." -- Stephen Wright %% "I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it, moves it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly, and says, 'Here, you can go.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I got signals, I got reading, in front and behind!" -- Hudson %% "I guess test-flying F-20 Tigersharks at Mach 3 all day has rattled my good manners..." -- "Bloom County" %% "I guess the rule is, if something's too good to be true, then it's probably too good to be true." -- Marshall, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "I guess you just have to design carefully when you get near the edge." -- Hugh LaMaster (lamaster@ames.arc.nasa.gov) %% "I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were they mad!" -- Steve Wright %% "I had a great time. It was like the Nuremburg Trials." -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and her Sisters" %% "I had to go on two diets. One didn't give me enough food." -- Barry Marder %% "I had to work fast. If that writer guy wouldn't change the script, I'd have to do it myself." -- Marshall, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "I had two heart attacks before I bought this exercise bicycle." "And since then?" "I've had two more." -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memories" %% "I happen to be a baseball fan; I root against both teams." -- Studs Terkel %% "I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably. %% "I hate it when I can't gird my loins with funny animals." -- Calvin %% "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), Journal", May 1849 %% "I hate snakes! I hate 'em!!" "C'mon! Show a little backbone, will ya?" -- Raiders of the Lost Ark %% "I hate the itching. But I don't mind the swelling." -- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?", that David Letterman's trying to get everyone to start saying %% "I hate to agree with Tim Maroney on anything, but I guess this latest is an example of the fact that even a stopped clock is right twice a day." -- Lee Lady, lady@uhccux.UUCP %% "I hate to spread rumors, but what else can one do with them?" -- Amanda Lear %% "I have 10 bowling pins in my heart. You have knocked over 8. Would you please pick up zat spare?" -- Jacques to Marge in "Jacques to be Wild", from The Simpsons %% "I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people there are hungry for information about the West. He was asked about many things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in the Soviet Union. The first question he was asked was if we had exploding television sets. You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color television sets, and many are exploding. They assumed we must be having problems with them too. The other question he was asked often was why the CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a few years ago; their propaganda is very effective. -- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976 "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100 %% "I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, 'Well first I.....I just.... to make a long story short...'" -- Steve Wright %% "I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it." -- Steve Wright %% "I have a map of the United States. It's original size... it says one mile equals one mile." -- Steve Wright %% "I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call...... it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"...... -- Stephen Wright %% "I have a venereal disease." "Dose?" "Uh-huh." "Clap?" "Mmm-hmm." "Drip?" "Uh-huh" "Vulval Dandruff?" "Yes." "Syph?" (nods) "Crotch Crickets?" "All of it." "Goody, girlie, we've got a lot in common, baby." -- Jake Speed %% "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." -- Sophie Tucker %% "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress." -- John Adams, (1735-1826) in 1776 %% "I have designed for you something very special: a new, radical, experimental, prototypical, one-of-a-kind retainer." -- Dr. Eukanuba, "The Retainer", Eerie Indiana %% "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." -- Blaise Pascal %% "I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die!" -- Yamamoto Tsunetomo %% "I have done so much with so little for so long, now I can do anything with nothing at all." -- Words of a True Engineer %% "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason %% "I have feelings too - like "My stomach hurts" or "I'm going crazy!" -- Homer to Lisa in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "I have five dollars for each of you." -- Bernhard Goetz %% "I have just begun to debug." %% "I have just learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second, let her have it." -- Lyndon B. Johnson %% "I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics." -- from "The Graduate" %% "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." -- President Harry S. Truman %% "I have learned to use the word `impossible' with the greatest caution." -- Werner von Braun %% "I have lived some [twenty] years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of value or even earnest advice from my seniors." -- Henry David Thoreau [almost] %% "I have more information in one place than anybody in the world." -- Jerry E. Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS %% "I have never done any 4000ers in Colorado. Maybe when I am 60 I will come back and do them." -- Reinhold Messner %% "I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening, let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal-retentive chowderhead." -- Cheers %% "I have no talents. I have genius or nothing. But all genius is distorted, even my own." -- Nero Wolfe %% "I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'" -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "I have occasional memory lapses." "Oh, I get it. You're a politician." -- A rather odd comparison: THE HULK and politicians. Script by Peter David. %% "I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in those days I might have chosen a career in music instead of politics." -- Richard Milhouse Nixon %% "I have read your article, Mr. Johnson, and I am no wiser now than when I started." "Possibly not, Sir, but far better informed." %% "I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "I have seen victory snatched from the hands of other commanders." %% "I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility." -- Paula Poundstone %% "I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." -- Clint Eastwood in "Pink Cadillac" %% "I have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk." -- Robert Bloch %% "I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me." -- Charles Darwin (1809-1882), "Autobiography" %% "I haven't sold one tractor all month", a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem", his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when it's tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied it's tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with it's right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie it's one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with it's left hind leg, so I tie it's other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya". %% "I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's violence to be done!" -- Monty Python %% "I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand." -- Confucius %% "I help people with their investments, until they have nothing left." -- Woody Allen, "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" %% "I hereby sentence you to live in Blythe, California in a house with an airpad cooler, until you are dead, or wish you were." -- From HONKEYTONK SUE %% "I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey. I believe it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts... I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "I hope those horrible stories I heard about prison aren't true." %% "I imagine you've guessed by now that these big explosion panels are nothing more than an obvious method of *greatly* reducing my penciling time." -- Ty Templeton footnotes how he Draws Comics. From "Stig's Inferno" %% "I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious." -- Steve Wright %% "I just ate a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breath %% "I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -- Steve Wright %% "I just couldn't convince Texans that Dukakis was Greek for Bubba." -- Lloyd Benson %% "I just don't get it, Guinan. I can field strip a fusion reactor. I can realign a power transfer tunnel. Why can't I make things work with a woman like Christy. It's like...I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say." You're doing fine with me. "You're different." No, you're different. "But I'm not trying now." That's my point. -- Geordi and Guinan, "Booby Trap", stardate 43205.6 %% "I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS." %% "I just hate being second banana on this show." -- Simon, "The Dead Letter", Eerie Indiana %% "I just hired him and he's already off on a case! What a brown-noser!" %% "I just love the smell of gunpowder!" -- Bugs Bunny %% "I just want to be a good engineer." -- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech at the 1988 AppleFest %% "I just won't sleep, that's all." %% "I kept it warm in my own oven!" -- Divine (PINK FLAMINGOS) %% "I kind of like it. Interesting percussion section." "Those are cannons." "And they perform this in crowded concert halls? Gee, I thought classical music was boring!" -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "I knew I could make it. I was a burnout, but I was a very bright burnout from the start." -- Tod Frye, Author of Atari Pac-Man %% "I knew it - not enough hot sauce." -- Lisa in "Bart's Hiccups" after pouring their secret elixir of milk, ice cream, maple syrup, cream of broccoli soup and hot sauce down Bart's throat, from The Simpsons %% "I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as a house. So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer." -- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45 %% "I knocked the rest of the pins down on my second ball" said Tom sparingly. %% "I know I'm going to miss her, a tomato ate my sister." From "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes". %% "I know human names well enough. After all, you are who you eat." -- Ed the Shark (one of my favorite characters) from Diane Duane's DEEP WIZARDRY (one of my favorite books) %% "I know there are nights when I have power, when I could put on something and walk in somewhere, and if there's a man who doesn't look at me, it's because he's gay." -- Kathleen Turner %% "I know this creature. He is the EMBODIMENT of EVIL -- decades ago, his machinations often brought the world to the *BRINK* of chaos!" "Hey -- people change!" -- The Shadow and associates discuss Shiwan Khan. From THE SHADOW %% "I know what I'm doing. Trust me." -- The motto of SLEDGE HAMMER %% "I know you all have very innocent minds, but occasionally a word should be allowed to wander through before reaching the paper." %% "I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "I left my heart in Papworth General." -- Half Man, Half Biscuit %% "I left the tri-corder on `The Wild, Chunky, Spunky Planet of Mary Lou Retton Clones.'" "Spock, you are SUCH a putz." -- "Bloom County" %% "I like a man who grins when he fights." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "I like men to behave like men, strong and childish." -- Francoise Sagan %% "I like overkill." -- Post Brothers Comics %% "I like people better than principles, and I like people with no principles better than anything else in the world." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "I like smoke and lightning, heavy-metal thunder, racing with the wind, and the feeling that I'm under." %% "I like to know what I'm doing when I'm doing what I do when I'm doing it because I don't know what to do when I'm not doing it." -- Stan Ridgeway %% "I like to paint passing lines on curved roads." %% "I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do." -- Willa Cather %% "I liketh a band that playeth the oldies." -- David Addison %% "I listen to feminists and all these radical gals -- most of them are failures. They've blown it. Some of them have been married, but they married some Casper Milquetoast who asked permission to go to the bathroom. These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men -- that's their problem." -- Reverend Jerry Falwell, sexist-to-the-max %% "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg %% "I lost a button hole today." -- Stephen Wright %% "I love America. Electricity right from the wall, anytime you want it." -- A Central American torturer discusses convenience, from THE PUNISHER %% "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson %% "I love crap we'll never need -- that's my *favorite* kind of crap!" -- Truth from "Sam and Max" %% "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams %% "I love you for your beauty; love me although I am ugly." -- Miguel Cervantes, "Don Quixote" %% "I love you, and I want to EAT YOUR BRAIN!" -- Return of the Living Dead %% "I loved you... loved you as much as any American used car dealer could..." -- Uncle Billy laments in FLAMING CARROT COMICS %% "I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true. -- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87 %% "I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light." -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk %% "I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you have to." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid!" -- Bishop, from the movie "Aliens" %% "I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously." -- Doctor Graper %% "I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and seizure. Man, that was really Out There." "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..." -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL %% "I must admit, I *like* five-to-one odds." -- the JLA %% "I must do something" will always solve more problems than "Something must be done." %% "I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?" -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "I must invent my own philosophical systems, or else be enslaved by other mens'" -- William H. Blake (1757-1827) %% "I must rise and behold the tiny skull which could contain a brain so *worthless* that it commands its keeper to disturb the great JOHN BYRNE as he scales new heights of comic majesty! EGAD! It's worse than I thought! It's JIM ENGEL and CHUCK FIALA!" -- The John Byrne interview from FANDOM CONFIDENTIAL #1 %% "I must say, you look *maahvelus*." -- Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL %% "I must warn you that anything you say will be ignored." -- Monty Python %% "I myself am a so called super hero. An extremely local version of a tactical nuclear weapon, if you will." %% "I need two hands to wave, not just one." %% "I never dared be radical when young For fear it would make me conservative when old." -- Robert Frost %% "I never forgot the incident and years later, when the Luftwaffe was bombing London, I shone a light on the critic's house." -- Woody Allen %% "I never knew there was anything wrong with me till I met Dr. Hackenbush." %% "I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "I never let the facts get in the way of my preconceived notions." %% "I never met a bug I didn't like." -- Will Rogers %% "I never prescribes a drug that I never took." -- Chris Chandler, MD, deceased %% "I never respected a man who could spell." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "I never saw the good side of the city 'til I hitched a ride on a riverboat queen. Big wheels keep on turnin'. Proud Mary keep on burnin'. Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river." -- John Fogarty (C. C. R.) %% "I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced." -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death" %% "I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast." -- Ronald W. Reagan %% "I now take this opportunity to announce my retirement - undefeated - from the world of video boxing." -- Bart in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class... I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox machine." -- Steve Wright %% "I once tried to spread a rumor that I had an offer of $15,000 to leave radio and fly out to the coast but when the story came back to me, it was $1200 to go to Seattle." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" %% "I only hope those rumors I hear about what goes on in prison are greatly exaggerated." -- Homer %% "I only know as much about myself as my mind can work out under its current conditions. And its current conditions are not good." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "I only took the regular course." "What was that?" inquired Alice. "Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with," the Mock Turtle replied; "and then the different branches of Arithmetic -- Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision." "What else had you to learn?" "Well, there was Mystery," the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flippers, -- "Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling -- the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: HE taught us Drawling, Stretching and Fainting in Coils. I never went to the Classical master, though. He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say." -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" %% "I only went out for a walk, but resolved to stay till sunset, for going out, I found, was really going in." -- John Muir %% "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. %% "I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest." -- Alexandre Dumas (fils) %% "I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God." -- Sean Doran the Younger %% "I prefer to stay where I am, thank you." %% "I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" -- John Huston %% "I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour." -- Steve Wright %% "I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles." -- Steve Wright %% "I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time." -- Steve Wright %% "I put one in each eye and two up each nostril." -- Agent Cooper %% "I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! I lost my tux at the cleaners! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my FAULT!" -- The Blues Brothers %% "I reached up to touch the thing, and a bolt flew from my fingers...... I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!" %% "I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.' `What's it about?' `Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals.' `Sounds great! Let's take the kids!'" -- Ian Shoales %% "I read it all in diaretics." %% "I really appreciate The Writer's Guild. Under their health plan, I can get prescription drugs for $2 a pop." -- George Carlin %% "I recall my exact words: `There's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there, youngster,' I said, smiling paternally the while. `Get sucking.'" -- Alan Moore, V FOR VENDETTA %% "I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, 'Cut it out.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I recognize that a class of criminals and juvenile delinquents has taken to calling themselves 'hackers', but I consider them irrelevant to the true meaning of the word; just as the Mafia calls themselves 'businessmen' but nobody pays that fact any attention." -- Bob Bickford, rab@well.sf.ca.us, 1990 %% "I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna-fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock." -- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison %% "I refuse to do mental battle with an unarmed opponent." %% "I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country." -- Nathan Hale %% "I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes." -- George Carlin %% "I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back." -- Steven Wright %% "I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving." -- Steve Wright %% "I resolved no to be offended easily by human nature, but I think I blew it." -- Hobbes %% "I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education." -- Wilson Mizner %% "I said you're going to watch this tape, and you're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you and I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say!" -- Miss Botts in "Some Enchanted Evening", from The Simpsons %% "I sat through it. Why shouldn't you?" -- David Letterman, it a spot promoting one of his shows %% "I saw "Lassie". It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?" -- The awful movie EXPLORERS -- the stand-up alien %% "I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it." -- Stephen Wright %% "I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot." -- Steve Wright %% "I saw a want ad. 'Light housekeeping.' They said, 'Here, change this bulb.' I said, 'I'll need some friends.'" -- Steven Wright %% "I say we blow the crap out of it and torch the joint." "Don't be bloody DAFT. This is a Terror Elemental -- not a rival biker gang." -- John Constantine and friend in HELLBLAZER %% "I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." -- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens" %% "I say, son... you've bopped the Queen Mum on the noodle." "I was aiming for Aunt Fergie's hips. Can't see how I bloody well missed 'em." -- "Bloom County" %% "I see Liberace in a white ermine coat." "That's right, Riley Thorp! And I've got five more at home just like it." -- Liberace returns from the dead in a bar. From "Badger" %% "I see a divine hand in this AIDS thing." -- Dr. John Wilke, President, National Right to Life Committee, "Planned Parenthood and Sex Clinics", Fundraising Audiotape Mailout for Dr. James C. Dobson's "Focus on the Family", winter '87, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "I see little divinity about them or you. You talk to me of Christianity when you are in the act of hanging your enemies. Was there ever such blasphemous nonsense!" -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Devil's Disciple" %% "I see more than you do, child. I see an end to Hell. What do YOU see?" "I see someone in a lot of pain." -- Dekko and Jenny from ZOT! %% "I shall be an autocrat: that's my trade. And the good Lord will forgive me: that's his." -- Empress Catherine the Great %% "I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow, or I'll have your guts for spaghetti." -- a comic panel by Cotham %% "I shall explain this by waving my hands about in an appropriate manner." %% "I shall fold my tens and silently slip away." -- An Algonquinite with a losing card hand %% "I shall rend you LIMB from LIMB!" "Hey -- could someone give me a hand here? I'm about to be rended..." -- The usual JLI nonsense %% "I shot 'em in the ears and blew their brains out! I invented that!" -- FLAMING CARROT %% "I should have stayed in college." "What would you be if you had stayed in college?" "I was in the black studies program. By now I could have been black." -- Woody Allen, "Bananas" %% "I simply cannot ride in a car that says, "Women's Transit Authority" on the side." -- The Badger discusses the proprieties of driving in "Badger" %% "I smell a rat." -- Patrick Henry, upon hearing about the Constitutional Convention, which eventually overthrew the first Federal Government of the United States %% "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone." -- Steve Wright %% "I started at the top and worked my way down." -- Orson Welles %% "I stayed up all night learning my line." -- Julie Condra/Syndi, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "I still have my christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough. I couldn't see any forests." -- Steven Wright %% "I submit for your approval: Monsieur Boche -- A man with a reputation." -- From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately %% "I support the right to arm bears." -- Bumper sticker %% "I suppose that for the next year-and-a-half the stock market will shoot way up every time Howard Baker walks out of the Oval Office and says, "He's alert today!" -- Mark Russell %% "I swear -- by my life and my love for it -- that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." -- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" %% "I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" -- Tammy Faye Bakker %% "I take a simple view of life: keep your eyes open and get on with it." -- Laurence Olivier %% "I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar?" %% "I tell you, Molly, I like the work so much, I'd do it even if I didn't have to -- by court order, under threat of fine, imprisonment, or both." -- Molly Dodd %% "I tend to reject the position that the truth of a proposition is an exact corollary of its credibility." -- William F. Buckley, Jr., "On The Firing Line" %% "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. %% "I think I'll name him Jareth. He has my eyes." -- Labyrinth %% "I think I'll take a walk. Hmm, wonder where this wire goes?" -- Max Headroom %% "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house." -- Yogi Berra %% "I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn." -- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson %% "I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure." -- Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League %% "I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass." -- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court %% "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." -- two people in the crowd in "The Life of Brian" %% "I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't remember the proof." -- Baker Pure Math 351a %% "I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest." -- A. Whitney Brown %% "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. "Oh, how can you tell?" "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo." %% "I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense." -- Harold S. Kushner %% "I think our No.1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything, but don't quote me." -- Randy Glasbergen, "The Saturday Evening Post" %% "I think some additional software is in order, to prevent the posting of Latin without a translation." -- Robert Frederking %% "I think that is what is called a `self-fulfilling prophecy.' I think it is a brave thing, and... I think it is wonderful." -- Yeah, that's the effect DOC SAVAGE has on people... %% "I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere." -- James Thurber (1894-1961) %% "I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club %% "I think their experience with us may have helped their contemptuousness; the ignorance they come by naturally." -- Chuck McManis, cmcmanis@sun.com (personal communication) %% "I think there's a world market for about 5 computers." -- Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (around 1948) %% "I think they will be very effective in keeping Catholic legislators away from the Communion rail." -- Idaho Senator Mike Blackbird, about ecclesiastical sanctions against politicians %% "I think this country would be in much better shape if all liberal arts majors agreed to get a good grip on algebra and trigonometry, if not calculus, and all engineering/science majors agreed to get a good grip on literature, art, music, etc." -- John Keppy (jkelly@violet.berkeley.edu) %% "I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime." -- Johnny Legend %% "I think we can break the monopoly of the red Ferrari on the roads and tracks of the world. I want to produce the fastest son of a gun I can for the least money - that's the American style - and I don't think any country in the world can stop us now" -- Carroll Shelby %% "I think we should stop looking for issues to discuss. I think we should shut up and get to work." -- Howard Chaykin %% "I think you just digested the bad guy." -- Innerspace %% "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." -- Woody Allen, on the KKK %% "I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Noble sperm bank. Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading pornography and jerking off." -- Jane Wagner %% "I think you're pretty tough, don't I?" -- Daffy Duck %% "I think; therefore, I can't be a Socialist." -- Thomas Landsberger %% "I though you brought the rope" A climber to their partner after hiking in 10 miles. -- Allen Sanderson allen%asylum.cs.utah.edu@cs.utah.edu %% "I thought I told you to SHUT UP!" -- Reid Fleming, World's Toughest Milkman %% "I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture." %% "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" "As a programmer, yes," she replied, "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" "You said you were blonde, but you lied!" Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, They had so much in common, you'd say. They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, And prompts that were cute or risque'. He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, She sent one from some past high school day, And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, If they hadn't met in L.A. "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest If you were not so totally weird!" If she had not said what he wanted to hear, And he had not done just the same, They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, And would not have had fun with the game. -- Judith Schrier [Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail] %% "I thought you were a Right Guy, Huntley... but I'm ashamed to be in the same chain gang with you." -- David is critically evaluated by a fellow prisoner in MOONLIGHTING %% "I told them kids to keep their arms inside the ride. Damnedest thing I ever saw." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "I told you I left my brain somewhere, not sure where, but it just doesn't seem to be here anymore. Look in one ear and you can see out the other, like a pinhole camera...interesting effect." %% "I took a course in speed reading. Then I got 'Reader's Digest' on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up I was done." -- Steven Wright %% "I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes." -- Steven Wright %% "I took a speed-reading course and read WAR AND PEACE in twenty minutes. It involves Russia." -- Woody Allen %% "I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle." -- Steven Wright %% "I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "I turn on my television set. I see a young lady who goes under the guise of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rhythm of the music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else. And you may try to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I know better. -- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50 %% "I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today.' and I said, 'Oops.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I understand that in this country Coke comes in cans!" %% "I use more sex than violence 'cause I know more about it." -- Howard Chaykin %% "I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." -- Woodrow Wilson %% "I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic." -- Steve Wright %% "I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger." -- Steve Wright %% "I used to be without hope - but now various people have assured me that failing the exams is more difficult than Green's functions." %% "I used to do movie reviews in town. They never forgave me for liking FLASH GORDON." "You must be nuts. I liked it, too." -- Baron and Badger %% "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." -- Steve Wright %% "I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway." -- Steve Wright %% "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips %% "I usually take a two-hour nap, from 1:00 to 4:00." -- Yogi Berra %% "I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper 'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a delay..." %% "I walk 47 miles of barbed wire, I've got a cobra snake for a necktie. I've got a brand new house along the roadside, and it's made out of rattlesnake hide..." -- George Thorogood %% "I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world. Surround EVERYONE with EVERYTHING we got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon we can lay our hands on. I want... I want three full scale global nuclear alerts, with every Army, Navy, and Air Force unit on ETERNAL standby!" -- Monty Python %% "I want more life, fucker!" -- Roy Batty, in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner %% "I want to be alone with my thought." -- Homer in "There's No Disgrace Like Home", from The Simpsons %% "I want to know God's thoughts. The rest are details." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- Yogi Berra %% "I was almost shot and killed before the opening credits!" -- Woody Allen, "What's Up, Tiger Lily?" %% "I was brought up in the other service; but I knew from the first that the Devil was my natural master and captain and friend. I saw that he was in the right, and that the world cringed to his conqueror only from fear." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Devil's Disciple" %% "I was charged on minestrone, and invincible." -- Vicki Brown, about AI programming %% "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway." -- Steven Wright %% "I was flyin' back from Lubbock, I saw Jesus on the plane, Or maybe it was Elvis, you know, they kind of look the same." -- Don Henley, "If Dirt Were Dollars" %% "I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel." -- Steve Wright %% "I was going to say 'the cream of the nation's youth', but they're probably at the other lecturer." %% "I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'." -- Steve Wright %% "I was not born to be forced. I will breathe after my own fashion. ... If a plant cannot live according to its nature, it dies; and so a man." -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) %% "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up and stuck it in my back." "What did you do?" "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." %% "I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, 'Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?' I replied, 'Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out." -- Steve Wright %% "I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast." -- Steve Wright %% "I wear a cape. You take pictures. It is not a perfect world." -- Bruce Wayne philosophizes to his girlfriend in BATMAN %% "I wear black on the outside cause black is how I feel on the inside" -- Morrissey %% "I went fishing with a dotted line. I caught every other fish." -- Steve Wright %% "I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific." -- Steve Wright %% "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then." -- Steven Wright %% "I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses." -- Steve Wright %% "I will contend that conceptual integrity is *the* most important consideration in system design." -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" %% "I will defend to your death my right to my opinion." -- Author unknown %% "I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware." -- Peter da Silva, peter@ficc.uu.net %% "I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. My life is my own." -- Patrick McGoohan, "The Prisoner", BBC-TV %% "I will not instigate revolution." -- Bart's writing on the blackboard in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "I will not waste chalk." -- Bart's writing on the blackboard in "Bart the Genius", from The Simpsons %% "I will point out that a lady of refinement would not wish to be found so high in a tree." "Then I am a lady of refinement well and truly," said Madouc, "since I did not wish to be found." -- Madouc (Jack Vance) %% "I wish I was as cocksure of anything as Tom Macaulay is of everything." -- Lord Melbourne (1779-1848) %% "I wish I'd drunk more champagne." -- last words of Lord John Maynard Keynes %% "I wish _I_ was a tiger." "A common lament." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "I wish they'd stick Oliver North in the same jail cell with `The Godfather of Soul', James Brown. It has its own peculiar appeal, doesn't it?" -- Opus, "Bloom County" %% "I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, 'Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'" -- Steve Wright %% "I woke up this morning, and I realized that somebody had broken into my apartment, stolen all my things and replaced them with exact duplicates. I asked my roommate if he noticed anything, and he said, 'Who are you?'" "The other day I.... No, that wasn't me." "My friend Bob is a radio DJ, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk." "My father built a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually." -- comedian Steven Wright %% "I would advise youse to keep dialin', Oxmix." -- Star Trek "A Piece of the Action" %% "I would give the Devil benefit of the law for my own safety's sake." -- "A Man for All Seasons" by Robert Bolt %% "I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence." -- William F. Buckley, Jr. %% "I would never give artificial birth control to an unmarried person..." -- Judie Brown, President, American Life League, "Nightline", 7/21/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "I would never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member." -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" %% "I would trade that Oscar for one more second of life." -- Woody Allen, "Stardust Memories" %% "I wouldn't exactly call it a a happy dogma, but it makes me feel better about not getting laid..." -- R. Carter %% "I wouldn't have invited me either." %% "I wouldn't put THAT in a safety deposit box," remarks the gnome with disdain, tossing it over his shoulder, where it disappears with an understated "pop". %% "I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or Unix for everyone, but they work for me." -- Jim Thompson (jthomp@central.sun.com), paraphrasing Hunter S. Thompson %% "I wouldn't say that Wall Street is a TOTAL disaster zone... but I saw Malcolm Forbes this morning sucking subway tokens out of a turnstile." -- David Letterman %% "I write to find out what I am thinking about." -- Edward Albee %% "I write to understand as much as to be understood." -- Elie Wiesel %% "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'" -- Steve Wright %% "I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either." %% "I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine." -- Steven Wright %% "I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare." -- Steven Wright %% "I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS, my dear Dudley!" %% "I'd get out of here now if I were you. It's not safe here." "Trust me - it's not safe out there either." "Oh hell, I forgot that." -- From the TV series WAR OF THE WORLDS %% "I'd like some of that bread, the kind with the seeds," said Tom wryly. :^) %% "I'd like to ask Gary [Groth] to say something nasty about this." -- Will Eisner %% "I'd like to ram a hunk of fried goat cheese straight up his ass." -- A wonderful line from MYSTIC PIZZA %% "I'd love to have my conk fixed. It's too big." -- Princess Diana %% "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." -- Hoyt Axton in a marvelous Pizza Hut commercial %% "I'd rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're first to be rescued off sinking ships." -- Gilda Radner %% "I'll be mellow when I'm dead!" -- Weird Al Yankovic %% "I'll bite his leg off." -- Someone getting into a role-playing game a bit too much in ZOT! %% "I'll do anything for him! I love him very much! Write that with very big letters!" -- Brigitte Nielsen re: Sylvester Stallone, 1985 %% "I'll drink your health; share your wealth; run your life; steal your wife ... ... you can call this song 'The United States Blues'." -- The Grateful Dead %% "I'll get my revenge on all of society! I'll build a mighty criminal empire!" -- Mobieus's career criminal %% "I'll give you a clue - it begins with `f' and rhymes with `factor'..." %% "I'll have 10 chocolate sundaies." I have never seen anyone eat...10 chocolate sundaies. "I'm in a really bad mood and since I've never eaten before, I should be very hungry." -- Q and Data, "Deja Q", stardate 43539.1 %% "I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly. %% "I'll have you all executed!" "I think not." -- Star Trek "Mirror, Mirror" %% "I'll keep 'em off your Holy Ass as long as you're in Wisconsin." -- From "The Badger" %% "I'll maim, but no killing." "It isn't even human! It's just a filthy, smelly demon from another dimension." "Oh, well, that's different!" -- The Badger and Ham %% "I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! -- Michael Lara %% "I'll punch the first person who calls me a pacifist." -- chrisn@sco.com %% "I'll put an end to the idea that a woman's body belongs to her . . . the practice of abortion shall be exterminated with a strong hand." -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945), "Mein Kampf" %% "I'll say it again for the logic impaired." -- Larry Wall, lwall@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov %% "I'll show you fun. Simon, let the games begin." -- Marshall, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana %% "I'll tell you what I want, I want someone who is so beautiful that when you see her you say, 'Wow, that Humperdinck must be some kind of fella to have a wife like that.'" -- William Goldman / S. Morgenstern, "The Princess Bride" %% "I'll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could consider the order filled." -- Robert Mitchum %% "I'm 6 foot 5, and I eat punks like you for breakfast!" -- Monty Python %% "I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?" -- Bart in "Krusty the Clown" (Tracy Ullman Show), from The Simpsons %% "I'm a BAAAAD boy!" %% "I'm a DOCTOR, Jim, not a biochemical neuroprotein physiologist!" %% "I'm a LAGOMORPH, Sam! Look it up!" -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." -- Tom Neff %% "I'm a certified Misappropriation Engineer." -- Lodgepoole, "The Losers", Eerie Indiana %% "I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house". -- Zsa Zsa Gabor %% "I'm a little girl." "I'm a little boy." "How do you know you're a little boy?" "Wait till the nurse goes out and I'll show you... See? Blue booties." %% "I'm a living saint, but you can just call me Sister Cindy." -- Sister Cindy %% "I'm a lover, not a hacker." -- Jeff Daiell %% "I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary." -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor. %% "I'm a mean green mother from outer space" -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors %% "I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami, but salami is salami." -- Stephen King %% "I'm a space cowboy. Bet you weren't ready for that. I'm a space cowboy. I'm sure you know where it's at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." -- Steve Miller %% "I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. It's nothing to worry about, although it is EXTREMELY dangerous." -- Monty Python %% "I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats." -- Monty Python %% "I'm afraid I've finally become what I had merely intended to seem." -- Wilhelm von Humboldt, 1831 %% "I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it." -- A. Whitney Brown, "Saturday Night Live" %% "I'm as doomed as doomed can be!" -- Ed Grimley The one and only Ed Grimley, aka Martin Short %% "I'm bored with music between 1955 and 1980. I'm completely bored. I can't listen to a rock and roll record. I can't do it. I would rather listen to hogs screwing." -- Sting %% "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." -- George Carlin %% "I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind that transmogrification is a new technology." -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley." -- Airplane! %% "I'm doomed to wander around here aimlessly for eternity...or until they demolish the mill for a mini-mall, whichever comes first." -- Grungy Bill, "Hole in the Head Gang", Eerie Indiana %% "I'm dying," he croaked. %% "I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everybody equally." -- W. C. Fields %% "I'm glad you asked that son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world." -- Homer in "Tell Tale Head" %% "I'm glad you changed your last name, you son of a bitch!" %% "I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and burned personally by the President, in high octane American gasoline!" -- The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever %% "I'm going to kill everyone in this room." "Now that's DARN rude." -- The Joker visits David Letterman %% "I'm going to make a small point in the corner of the board [does so], and come back to it later!" And later... "The thing which caused me to write 'lies' in extremely small letters in the corner of the board was..." And later still... "When you see this, you are entitled to go ` Y'what?! '." %% "I'm going to throw up all over you." "Go ahead, it won't show on this shirt". -- THE RUNNING MAN (yes, it's an Arnie line) %% "I'm great at love, but I'm lousy at commitment." "Commitment's nice. You'd like her. She's got heavy legs, but she's a lotta laughs. I met her at a wedding." -- Love & Guilt from above reference %% "I'm growing older, but not up." -- Jimmy Buffett %% "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." %% "I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious - she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep," countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?" %% "I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.." %% "I'm made of rubber, You're made of glue. Everything you say Bounces off me And sticks to you." %% "I'm not SURE that that makes sense, DM." "Well, it is a CARTOON, sir..." -- Dangermouse %% "I'm not a god, I was misquoted." -- Lister, Red Dwarf %% "I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pedantic and that's just as good." -- D Gary Grady %% "I'm not a programmer, but I play one at work." -- Gregg Parmentier, parmentier@iowasp.physics.uiowa.edu %% "I'm not a pushover, believe me. I laugh at HAMLET." -- Billy Wilder %% "I'm not a zombie." -- Simon, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana %% "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." -- Groucho Marx? %% "I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way." -- WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? %% "I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going!" -- Avon %% "I'm not going to be anybody's puppet, particularly not my own." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "I'm not going to get side-tracked onto a tangent." %% "I'm not happy until I've violated somebody's civil rights and then put them in jail. ... That ruins their day ... but it makes mine." -- Christopher Commission report of LAPD car-to-car computer message, 7/91 %% "I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them." -- Beverly Sills %% "I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed a bit.." -- Dr. Strangelove %% "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going." -- Ker Avon %% "I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers." -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" %% "I'm on a mission from Grodd." -- An MTV gorilla, from SWAMP THING %% "I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Candida", Act III %% "I'm perfectly willing to be judged. But only by God and history." -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% "I'm shouting again. I've got to watch that." -- One of said invaders worrying about appearances.... %% "I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity." -- Steve Wright %% "I'm sorry, but you must have me confused with some OTHER plate-lipped white girl named `Irene'." -- Good Girls %% "I'm sorry, is this your fish?" %% "I'm still in this world? I was afraid of that." %% "I'm such an *asshole*!" "I know how you feel, Chris... And you're right." %% "I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not." %% "I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do!" "He can't do that," said the King, "or else he'd have been here first." -- Lewis Carroll %% "I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like King Kong." -- Mr. T %% "I'm tellin' you, Willie Joe, this ain't right. Lynchin' ain't fer mummies. Lynchin's fer rustlers." "Lynchin's fer EVERBODY!" %% "I'm the Descartes of anxiety. I panic, therefore I am." -- Richard Lewis %% "I'm the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only. We serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're ... smug about it." -- Monty Python %% "I'm the luckiest rabbit in the WORLD! I'm going to work for you, my hero... DICK DUCK, DUCK DICK!" -- A slight mistake in BULLET CROW %% "I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to." -- Jimi Hendrix %% "I'm the world's first fully-functioning homicidal artist." -- The Joker in the BATMAN movie %% "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" -- Jean Kerr %% "I'm too old for Santa Claus, and I don't believe in Batman." -- From JON SABLE, FREELANCE %% "I'm treating two sets of siamese twins with split personalities." "I'm being paid by eight people." -- Woody Allen, "Zelig" %% "I'm very brave, generally," he went on in a low voice: "only today I happen to have a headache." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "I'm willing to accompany you, but not to ride in your pocket!" %% "I've always hated that sign and all its cheap film noir symbolism." -- Kelvin Mace %% "I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% "I've always wondered about that taping equipment, but I'm damn glad we have it. Aren't you?" -- President Richard Milhouse Nixon, to chief of staff H. R. Haldeman April 25, 1973 %% "I've been called an evil genius by cities of assholes... but I know who these people are! And they're on my list!" -- Robert Crumb %% "I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open, which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and upper management." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "I've been kicking Reagan all the time he's been up; I see no reason to stop now that he's down." -- Jeff Meyer %% "I've been trey-dueced." -- An Algonquinite with a hand of threes and twos %% "I've brought Gatsby to life. I've accounted for his money. I've fixed up the two weak chapters (VI and VII). I've improved his first party. I've broken up his long narrative in Chapter VIII." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940), on revising his galley proofs %% "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes." -- Dennie van Tassel %% "I've got *plenty* of common sense! I just choose to ignore it." -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "I've got a hankerin' for some pork products." -- Krusty in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentleman, so please, why don't you return to your porch rockers and resume whittling?" -- Twin Peaks %% "I've got a lot to say about this theorem, so don't stop me if I go too fast." %% "I've got a monkey's body, so I'll provide the comedy relief!" -- Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT! %% "I've got some amyls. We could either party later or, like, start his heart." -- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie" %% "I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate! ..Hello? ..Echo! ..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!" -- Airplane! %% "I've grown to hate them." -- Cheers %% "I've hated you since the moment I married you!" -- Woody Allen, "What's New, Pussycat?" %% "I've heard about these cult jamborees. It's an international goon gathering. Lots of howling and drinking... Orgiastic worship of heathen idols... Great looking chicks in diaphanous robes..." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "I've heard all kinds of sounds from these things, but `yabba dabba doo' was a new one to me." -- The Far Side, by Gary Larson %% "I've lost my flower," said Tom lackadaisically. %% "I've never thought my speeches were too long; I've enjoyed them." -- Hubert M. Humphrey %% "I've never tried dividing both sides by infinity before, so here goes." %% "I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." %% "I've seen it. It's rubbish." -- Marvin the Paranoid Android %% "I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head" -- George Wallace %% "I've seen the forgeries I've sent out." -- John F. Haugh II, jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US, about forging net news articles %% "I've struck oil!" Tom gushed. %% "I-I-I didn't know they were carnivorous!" "Or expert shots!" -- "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "I... AM NOT... A PACIFIST!" -- An angry defensive back explains to rednecks, in AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK %% "IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor approaches the pot, he falls into the pit" -- John C. Dvorak %% "IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use." -- Andrew Tannenbaum , author of Minix and Amoeba %% "IT'S THE TWO GODDAMNED CULTURES AGAIN !*! Bit-brained nerdery on one side, effete fin-de-siecle malaise on the other. And kingdoms of hybrid delight abandoned in the middle." -- Jonathan Burns, burns@latcs1.oz %% "If 10% is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Uncle Sam." -- Ray Stevens %% "If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been necessary to invent it." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "If God exists, why did he allow Nazis?" "How should I know? I don't even know how the can opener works." -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and her Sisters" %% "If God had really intended men to fly, He'd have made it easier to get to the airport." -- George Winters %% "If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate." -- Jerry Dreshfield %% "If Horatio Nelson was in charge of this, he would not have waited for official authorization." "Yes, a pretty impulsive fellow, if we are to believe the history books." "History books ? Captain Hart, Horation Nelson was a personal friend !" -- Doctor Who - The Sea Devils, 1972 %% "If I am incomprehensible then stop me, but if it's simply wrong then I don't think that it matters." %% "If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" -- Hillel %% "If I can send the flower of the German nation into the hell of war without the smallest pity for the shedding of precious German blood, then surely I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin." -- Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) %% "If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." -- Monty Python %% "If I didn't have a Unix machine, I'd feel naked." -- Guess Who %% "If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling grenades in people's faces." -- Paul Fussell %% "If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go to hell." -- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88 %% "If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak." -- Phil Wayne %% "If I don't see you soon, I'll see you later." %% "If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change almost all occurrences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model." -- Herbie Blashtfalt %% "If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter." -- Blaise Pascal %% "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. %% "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber (1894-1961) %% "If I have to say one more air-headed big sister line, I'm going to vomit on a producer." -- Julie Condra/Syndi, "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell." -- Philip Sheridan %% "If I were going to create a New Universe, I'd rest on the seventh day." -- Jack Kirby %% "If I were not in the C.I.D., A window-washer I would be!" %% "If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?" -- Jeremy Brett, on playing Sherlock Holmes %% "If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up." -- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" %% "If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football." -- Chuck Newcombe %% "If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public" -- David Letterman %% "If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy." -- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir %% "If a guy tells me the probability of failure is 1 in 10E5, I know he's full of crap." -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988), "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" %% "If a machine can be made so that an idiot can use it, then only an idiot will use it." -- Tadao Ichikawa %% "If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp." -- Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero %% "If a man write a better book, preach a better sermon, or make a better mouse-trap than his neighbour, tho' he build his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten path to his door." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% "If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too." -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965) %% "If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" -- Sparky Anderson %% "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936), "Folly and Female Education" %% "If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine." -- Rob Stampfli %% "If all men were brothers, would you want one to marry your sister?" -- the title of a Theodore Sturgeon short story. %% "If all philosophers were required to present their ideas in novels, to dramatize the exact meaning and consequences of their philosophies in human life, there would be far fewer philosophers -- and far better ones." -- Ayn Rand "...and a lot more really bad novels!" -- Jeremy York, jeremy@milton.acs.washington.edu %% "If all the girls attending it [the Yale Prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised." -- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) %% "If all the people in China stood up on chairs, and, at the same moment, jumped down on the ground, we would be in deep, deep trouble." %% "If anything can go wrong, it will." -- Edsel Murphy %% "If at all possible, you should avoid being a young person or a wheat farmer when the president starts feeling international tension." -- Dave Barry %% "If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average." -- Bill Cosby %% "If called by a panther...don't anther." -- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), "Parents Keep Out!" %% "If ever I utter an oath again may my soul be blasted to eternal damnation!" -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "St. Joan" %% "If everything had gone as planned, everything would have been perfect." -- BATF spokesperson on CNN 3/2/93, regarding failed raid attempt in TX. %% "If everything had gone as planned, there would not have been a problem." -- ATF %% "If growing up were fun, I'd have done it already." %% "If he kills me, you can have my stuff." -- Simon to Marshall after Dimsdale eats the gum, "Just Say No Fun", Eerie Indiana %% "If he's not one thing, he's another." -- Buckaroo Banzai novel quote %% "If hyperspace did not already exist, science fiction writers would have had to invent it." -- Peter Oakley %% "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." -- Bert Lantz %% "If it doesn't come from you, shouldn't it come from Gerber?" -- Bristol Meyers baby formula ad %% "If it sounds GOOD to YOU, it's bitchen; and if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's shitty." -- Frank Zappa %% "If it weren't for politicians, who would fashion disorder out of chaos." %% "If it's a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed." -- Kahlil Gibran, 1923 %% "If it's not loud, it doesn't work!" -- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom" %% "If it's too fast, you're too old" -- seen on a bumper sticker %% "If law school is so hard, how come there are so many lawyers?" -- Calvin Trillin %% "If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale." -- Joe Bob Briggs %% "If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices." -- Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C." %% "If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability." -- Henry Ford %% "If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job." -- Woody Allen %% "If one is going to steal, it is considered somewhat sporting to inform the victims beforehand; for examples see any episodes of the BATMAN TV series." -- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP) %% "If only the Catholics would stick together and live up to their Faith [as regards birth control], they could control the world and the world's morality." -- Dr. Claude Newbury, Director, HLI Johannesburg, "HLI Special Report," #62, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes." -- Roy Baty, Bladerunner %% "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "If people behaved in the way nations do they would all be put in straitjackets." -- Tennessee Williams %% "If projectile vomiting ever becomes an Olympic event, you'll do yourself proud." -- Hobson, "Arthur II" %% "If she weighs the same as a duck...she's made of wood" "And therefore?" "A WITCH!" %% "If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and incredibly handsome, why does he need to put on a batsuit? Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask and kick the crap out of people?" -- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN %% "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." -- C. Durance Computer Science 234 %% "If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?" -- Robin Williams %% "If the airport books are any indication, there are at least 450,000 evil Nazi World War II geniuses still at large, many of them with atomic laser cannons." -- Dave Barry %% "If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside." -- Robert Cringely/InforWorld %% "If the bulk of American SF can be said to be written by robots, about robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits." -- Michael Moorcock %% "If the conjecture `You would rather I had not disturbed you by sending you this.' is correct, you may add it to the list of uncomfortable truths." -- Edsger W. Dijkstra %% "If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite." -- Blake %% "If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." -- Pat Bahn %% "If the jury feels the law is unjust, we recognize the undisputed power of the jury to acquit, even if its verdict is contrary to the law as given by a judge, and contrary to the evidence ... and the courts must abide by that decision." -- US v Moylan, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, 1969, 417 F.2d at 1006 %% "If the shoe fits, buy it!" -- Imelda Marcos %% "If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary." -- Chris Torek %% "If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper folding, or something." -- C. Philip Wood %% "If there is a choice, you've got to do it." %% "If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in the cigarettes?" -- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970 %% "If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace." -- Thomas Paine %% "If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Celebrated Jumping Frog" %% "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working." -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy %% "If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're mistaken!" -- Homer in "Homer's Odyssey" , from The Simpsons %% "If this country is worth saving, it's worth saving at a profit." -- H. L. Hunt %% "If this is foreplay, I'm a dead man!" -- Mental Sex in COCOON %% "If thy right brain offend thee, cut it out" %% "If thy whole brain offend thee, cut it out" %% "If today you can take a thing like evolution and make it a crime to teach in the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the private schools and next year you can make it a crime to teach it to the hustings or in the church. At the next session you may ban books and the newspapers... Ignorance and fanaticism are ever busy and need feeding. Always feeding and gloating for more. Today it is the public school teachers; tomorrow the private. The next day the preachers and the lecturers, the magazines, the books, the newspapers. After a while, Your Honor, it is the setting of man against man and creed against creed until with flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious ages of the sixteenth century when bigots lighted faggots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind." -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938), at the Scopes Monkey Trial "The net effect of Clarence Darrow's great speech yesterday seemed to be precisely the same as if he had bawled it up a rainspout in the interior of Afghanistan." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" -- Lily Tomlin %% "If voting could change the system, it would be illegal!" -- Schroedinger's Cat %% "If we are to begin packaging ourselves as boxes of cereal, Democracy will die... for you could not win the presidency without proving unworthy of the job." -- Adlai Stevenson %% "If we are to survive, this nation must end its love affair with guns." -- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno. If we are to survive, this nation must end its love affair with big brother government and individuals must relearn what it means to be free. -- Jeff Chan, chan@shell.portal.com %% "If we can't fix it -- we'll fix it so nobody can." -- B. Gibbons %% "If we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) %% "If we die, we want people to accept it. We're in a risky business... The conquest of space is worth the risk of life." -- Gus Grissom %% "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security." -- Gail Sheehy %% "If we fail to draw the line in Vietnam we may find ourselves compelled to draw a defense line as far back as Seattle and Alaska, with Hawaii as a solitary outpost in mid-Pacific." -- Senator Thomas J. Dodd, February 23, 1965 %% "If we fail to make non-violent action a real, viable, obviously strong possibility . . . then I think we're going to drift into guerrilla warfare." -- John Cavanaugh-O'Keefe, Director, Prolife Nonviolent Action Project, "National Catholic Register," 1/4/87, about abortion clinic violence, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it _was_." -- Monty Python %% "If we pay dogfood salespeople more than we do teachers, we should not be surprised if our dogs eat like kids, and our kids end up reading like dogs." -- MR KR COMAN bakc@giraffe.ru.ac.za %% "If we want to take the westerly winds into account, we could also do that using this method, but then we'd have to take the westerly winds into account." %% "If you are a skunk, you learn to hold your breath for a long time!" -- Pepe the Skunk %% "If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are probably hallucinating." -- The Firesign Theatre, "Everything you know is Wrong" %% "If you are caught with the Queen, the King will cut off your arms, your legs, and your head. Well, five out of six isn't bad." -- Woody Allen "Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask" %% "If you are going to have doctors you had better have doctors well off; just as if you are going to have a landlord you had better have a rich landlord. Taking all the rounds of professions and occupations, you will find that every man is the worse for being poor; and the doctor is a specially dangerous man when poor." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Socialist Criticism of the Medical Profession" %% "If you are what you eat, then I'm dead meat." -- Timbuk3 %% "If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be." -- Wayne %% "If you can persuade your customer to tattoo your name on their chest, they probably will not switch brands." -- an Indiana University professor, re: Harley-Davidson owners %% "If you can set the rules, you can win the game." -- John McCormack %% "If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its laws. Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people most of the time." -- George Gerbner %% "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." -- Catherine Aird %% "If you can't beat 'em, infiltrate and destroy them from within." %% "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets." -- David Bedno (davidbe@sco.COM) %% "If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me." -- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org) "You may be wrong here, little one." -- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM) %% "If you can't drink a lobbyist's whiskey, take his money, sleep with his women and still vote against him in the morning, you don't belong in politics." -- Speaker of the California Assembly Jesse Unruh %% "If you can, help others. If you can't, at least don't hurt others." -- the Dalai Lama %% "If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice." -- Neil Peart, Rush %% "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." -- Yogi Berra %% "If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?" "All of it." -- Cerebus %% "If you demand money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called ``blackmail.'' If your lawyer demands money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called ``a settlement.'' -- Karl %% "If you do everything, you'll win." -- Lyndon Baines Johnson %% "If you don't care for your scalp, you'll get rabies!" -- Monty Python %% "If you don't find him, they'll shoot him down like a dog!" "Well, he *is* a dog." -- A cute little gypsy girl pleads with THE BADGER over Spuds McKen... err, Buddy McBride %% "If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue." -- "Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897) %% "If you don't make money off of it, it had better be either a religious experience or a hobby." -- Lance Cooper %% "If you don't read news.groups, the net appears to be a rather tranquil place." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com, about Usenet %% "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything." -- F. Jeff Stiles, Southern Baptist preacher %% "If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all." -- Nexus %% "If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet." -- Comedian Jay Leno %% "If you encounter these negroes shoot first, ask questions later." -- LAPD squad-car computer message, as quoted in the Christopher Report, 7/91 %% "If you get somebody to give you a dollar, they'll vote for you for the rest of their lives." -- Hugh Parmer, Democratic candidate for the 1990 U.S. Senate, from Texas %% "If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him." -- Cardinal de Richelieu %% "If you go to a gunfight, take a gun" -- Charles Nichols' Law cen@qedbbs.com %% "If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent." -- Bette Davis %% "If you juggle with knives, you're likely to get cut." -- Kieran Donegal %% "If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet." -- Isaac Bashevis Singer %% "If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it." -- William A. Orton %% "If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?" -- Garrison Keillor %% "If you lose a son, you can always get another. But there is only one Maltese Falcon" %% "If you meet the Buddha on the net, put him in your kill file." -- Robert Firth %% "If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time serving it..." -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" %% "If you post it, they will flame." -- The voice from Field of Dreams, according to Brian Frost (b1f5814@rigel.tamu.edu) %% "If you steal ideas from one source, that's plagiarism, but if you steal ideas from more than one source, that's research." -- Laurendo Almeida %% "If you study the logistics and heuristics of the mystics, You will find that their minds rarely move in a line" %% "If you substitute other kinds of intellectual property into the GNU manifesto, it quickly becomes absurd." -- Cal Keegan %% "If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?" -- Steven Wright %% "If you tell the truth, you must smile. Otherwise, people will kill you." %% "If you think you have enemies, then, dear simpleton, you will have enemies." -- I dunno %% "If you think you might faint, don't worry; you can always go into psychiatry." %% "If you took all the sincerity in Hollywood and put it in the navel of a fruit fly, you'd still have room for three carraway seeds and a producer's heart." -- Fred Allen %% "If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back... and none of them would be complaining." -- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times %% "If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways to be hospitable to the unusual person. You don't get innovation as a democratic process. You almost get it as an anti-democratic process. Certainly you get it as an antithetical process, so you have to have an environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation." -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 %% "If you want to become a millionaire, found a religion." -- L. Ron Hubbard %% "If you want to eat hippopotamus, you've got to pay the freight." -- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory %% "If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff." -- Dave Enyeart %% "If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry, well, mission accomplished." -- The Simpsons %% "If you wants something cheap, try McCrory's." -- Foo-fa-raa in "Badger" %% "If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files." -- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system. %% "If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival. There may be even a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than live as slaves." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee." -- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M. %% "If you're going faster than 90 MPH and they chase you -- make 'em *earn* it." %% "If you're going to plagiarize, go _way_ back." -- Barry Goldwater to Joseph Biden %% "If you're going to write about human beings, you might as well make them people." -- Woody Allen, "The Front" %% "If you're not a player, you're not in the game." -- Vinnie Terrenova's mob motto on WISEGUY %% "If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have problems." %% "If you've heard this story before, don't stop me. I want to hear it again." %% "If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit." -- Cal Keegan %% "If your life is just a highway, and your soul is just a car, objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are..." -- Meat Loaf %% "Ignorance is not bliss -- it's oblivion." -- Phillip Wylie %% "Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "Ignorance simplifies ANY problem." -- R. Lucke %% "Ignorance transcends architecture." -- James Gaskin %% "Ignore the message: 'ld warning: file /tmp/kernAAAa06386 has no relocation information' if it appears." %% "Illness strips away superficiality to reveal reality in etched detail." %% "Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) %% "Imitation is the sincerest form of television." -- The New Mighty Mouse %% "In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent teacher should know. 'I would not leave the definition of math,' Dr. Honig said, 'up to the mathematicians.'" -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 %% "In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "In Eerie, Indiana, when you scrape away the surface weirdness, what you find is ... more weirdness." -- Eerie Indiana %% "In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up." -- Pastor Martin Niemoller %% "In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.'" -- Al Clethen %% "In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite. True love is like a final acceptance test. But one has to be willing to take bug fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done." -- The Usenet Oracle %% "In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French judge and jury, accused Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Lyon this week that his favorite movie has always been `The Nutty Professor'." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News %% "In a calm sea every man is a pilot." -- John Ray %% "In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it." -- Daniel Waters, screenwriter of HEATHERS %% "In a few years, I think we'll be marketing Marvel Comics like computer software." -- Archie Goodwin %% "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it." -- Monty Python %% "In addition I think science has enjoyed an extraordinary success because it has such a limited and narrow realm in which to focus its efforts. Namely, the physical universe." -- Ken Jenkins %% "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% "In all criminal cases whatsoever, the jury shall have the right to determine the law and the facts." -- Indiana Constitution. %% "In all levels of life, the sheep are safe only when the wolves are not hungry." -- F. J. Lovret %% "In an interview today with US NEWS & WORLD REPORT this week, Secretary of State George Schultz was asked what he considered his proudest accomplishment. He said, "Winning the office pools on Andropov *and* Chernenko." -- David Letterman %% "In another paper delivered today, Paul W. Kinsie of the American Social Health Association warned that, if the moon was to be kept free from venereal disease, prostitution must be banned there." -- The Realist, November, 1962 %% "In any society where the State is the sole employer, opposition means death by slow starvation. Who does not obey, shall not eat." -- Leon Trotsky "Why Does Socialism Continue to Appeal to Anyone?", Robert Hessen %% "In baseball, you don't know nothing." -- Yogi Berra %% "In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts can't deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching potential. To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together. In many cases they develop into real love relationships." -- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988 %% "In ecology, as in economics, TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch) is intended to warn that every gain is won at some cost. Failure to recognize the "no free lunch" law causes the buffalo-hunter mentality syndrome--the unthinking assumption that there will always be plenty because there always has been plenty." -- Dr. Robert W. Prehoda %% "In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "In fact, Life *itself* is looking pretty meaningless, if not outright UGLY." "`Hill Street Blues' into reruns again?" -- Milo and Binkley discuss enui... "Bloom County" %% "In fact, it is usually the honest firearms dealer who is the one to bring the "bad apple" to the attention of the authorities. That's not true in the medical profession. The APA and AMA are cliques where members do not criticize each other" -- Bob Lesmeister, Psychiatrists Should be Held Accountable for Mass Murders not Gun Dealers, January 1991, American Firearms Industry Magazine. %% "In general, it is best to assume that the network is filled with malevolent entities that will send in packets designed to have the worst possible effect" -- the draft "Requirements for Internet Hosts" RFC %% "In general, it's very hard to protect oneself against omnipotent beings." -- Barry Margolin (barmar@think.com) 9 Sep 89, <29114@news.Think.COM> %% "In making theories, always keep a window open so that you can throw one out if necessary." -- Bela Schick %% "In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs." -- Steve Wright %% "In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognize terrorism if it came up and bit him on his Internet." -- Ross M. Greenberg %% "In one recent accounting, [the] Bureau of Indian Affairs financial wizards valued three chain saws at $99 million each." -- U.S. News & World Report, 2/22/93 %% "In our last congressional elections, there was less turnover in the House of Representatives than there was in the Soviet Politburo: 98.5% of the incumbents were reelected!" -- John McCormick, "Self-Made In America" %% "In our last episode, Hoodwinkle was searching for a cure to a disease plaguing the world." "At last, a cure for loud Hawaiian shirts!" -- From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE %% "In our society, sometimes you have to penalize (innocent) people for the good of everybody else. -- A Pittsburgh Cop 10/16/93 (send E-mail if you want to know the circumstance under which it was said) -- Seth Adam Eliot, eliot+@cmu.edu %% "In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News %% "In research, you must remember not to fool yourself, for you are the easiest person to fool." -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988) %% "In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." %% "In short, members of the United States Congress enjoy more job security than members of the Supreme Soviet." -- CNN: 7 Nov 1990, 12:15 AM EST %% "In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Prudence" %% "In space, no one can hear you flame." -- Tim P Scott, scott@spectra.com %% "In terms of air-time and ad rates, View Age is bigger than Islam, Judaism, IBM, Scientology, and all but two Christian denominations. Projections indicate that they will pass the Catholics and the 700 Club by this time next year." -- The View-age Church on MAX HEADROOM %% "In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." -- Dave Barry %% "In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "In the afterlife, everyone's good-looking." -- Laurie Thompson %% "In the beginning, the grocery was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the 7-11." (Haagendasz 1,1) %% "In the cafeteria just after lunch, (well, not *just* after, more like *during* lunch, about 12:28; say 12:30, give or take a few minutes), I leaned back in my chair (it was one of those aluminum chairs, good strength-to-weight, like titanium but not quite; but then of course titanium would be a bit of an overkill). Anyway, I heard one of the girls talking about how boring she thought engineers could be." -- Alan Denney (aland@informix.com) %% "In the carriages of the past you can't go anywhere." -- Maxim Gorky (1868-1936) %% "In the end, it will be the insects who rule the earth." -- Noted scientist %% "In the end, it will be the insects who rule the earth." -- Noted scientist "In the end, who cares?" -- Remo Williams "End? What end? You whites will be with us forever." -- Chiun, Master of Sinanju -- Intro to a DESTROYER novel %% "In the end, who cares?" -- Remo Williams %% "In the end,there were no simple answers. No heros. No villains. Only silence. But it began the moment that I first saw the wolf. By the act of watching, with the eyes of a man, I had pointed the way for those who followed." "The pack returned for the cubs as there are no orphans among the wolves. Eventually, the losses of that autumn became a distant memory. I believe the wolves went off to a wild and distant place some where, although I don't really know, because I turned away and didn't watch them go." -- Tyler (Farley Mowat), Never Cry Wolf %% "In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not there if you want to keep writing good code." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "In the factory, we make cosmetics. In the store, we sell hope." -- Charles Revson %% "In the handbook, it says that most people ignore the strange and unusual; while I myself *am*... strange and unusual." -- BEETLEJUICE %% "In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility -- I welcome it." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) (from his Inaugural Address) %% "In the meantime, one false move and Simon here becomes vice-presidential." -- Dash X, "No Brain, No Pain", Eerie Indiana %% "In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong." -- God, the Ultimate Autobiography %% "In the old days, we had wooden ships ruled by iron men. Now we have steel ships and blockheads running them." -- Capt. D. Seymour %% "In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about." -- Hobbes (and Calvin) %% "In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further examine the totally suffering individual." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot says you can't feed grits to a dead hog." -- Dave Barry's 1992 in Review %% "In the trial of all criminal cases, the Jury shall be the Judges of Law, as well as of fact, except that the Court may pass upon the sufficiency of the evidence to sustain a conviction." -- Article XV, section 5, Constitution of Maryland. %% "In the world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is." -- Chuck Reid %% "In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." -- Douglas Adams %% "In times of trouble, go with what you know." -- Homer in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "In what he called the 'great tradition of warnings in presidential farewells,' Reagan reproached the movies, television and young parents for failing to indoctrinate American youth in 200-proof patriotism, the way they did in his day. 'If we forget what we did,' said the man who still can't remember trading arms for hostages, 'we won't know who we are.' The section ended with this weird passage: 'And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a very American thing to do.'" -- Hendrik Hertzberg %% "In which room is the phrase 'Hello sailor' useful?" %% "In wildness is the preservation of the world." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) %% "In your plan, `A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build eighty-eight thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you built only three in the last 15 years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?" "No, no. I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two ways. Firstly, in my normal voice, and then in a kind of silly, high-pitched whine." -- Monty Python %% "Incest is a voluntary act on the woman's part." -- Charles Rice, Professor of Law, Notre Dame University, dweeb; in a pamphlet published by the American Life League %% "Inconceivable!" "You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it does." -- "The Princess Bride" %% "Indecision is the basis of flexibility" -- button at a Science Fiction convention %% "Indeed, I am now of the opinion that a compelling case for "stricter gun control" cannot be made, at least not on empirical grounds. I have nothing but respect for the various pro-gun control advocates with whom I have come in contact over the past years. They are, for the most part, sensitive, humane and intelligent people, and their ultimate aim, to reduce death and violence in our society, is one that every civilized person must share. I have, however, come to be convinced that they are barking up the wrong tree." -- James Wright %% "Indeed, to quarantine a person with AIDS or the AIDS virus does entail a loss, in the short run, of human freedom. Agreed. But the idea of human freedom isn't now, and never has been, absolute. Besides, in the long run, as I have noted, all people with AIDS die." -- John Lofton, Anti-Choice Columnist, The Washington Times, 3/31/89, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Independent self-reliant people (would be) a counterproductive anachronism in the collective society of the future [...] (where) people will be defined by their associations." -- John Dewey (1859-1953), educational philosopher, proponent of modern public schools. 1896 "The Tyranny of Government Schooling", John Gatto, 1992 %% "Inferiority complex: a conviction by a jury of your fears." -- anon %% "Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down." -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% "Inquiry is fatal to certainty." -- Will Durant %% "Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids." -- Erma Bombeck %% "Insanity is the exception in individuals. In groups, parties, people, and times, it is the rule." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen." -- Madrak, in "Creatures of Light and Darkness", by Roger Zelazny %% "Insofar as love expresses itself, it is not expressing itself in terms of socially approved manners of life. That's why it is all so secret. Love has nothing to do with social order. It is a higher spiritual experience than that of socially organized marriage." -- Joseph Campbell %% "Instant gratification is not fast enough." -- Suzanne Vega, "Postcards from the Edge" %% "Intel architectures build character." "Segments are for worms." "Feh." -- Seen in another signoff line. I like it. %% "Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing." -- G. Steinem %% "Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" -- David Letterman %% "Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world." -- David Letterman %% "Into the mud, Scum Queen!" -- The Man With Two Brains %% "Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'." -- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion %% "Is Death that woman's mate? /Her/ lips were red, /her/ looks were free, Her locks were yellow as gold: Her skin was white as leprosy, The Night-Mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she, Who thicks man's blood with cold." -- The Ancient Mariner, Samuel Taylor Coleridge %% "Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'" -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Is he living? Is he living now?" -- Yogi Berra (playing 20 questions). %% "Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?" -- R. Friesen Chemistry 124 %% "Is it better to be `safe' than sorry?" -- Ah-ha "Take a chance on me." -- Abba %% "Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?' -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu %% "Is it just me, or does there seem to be an inordinate number of lurkers whose heads are imploding lately? Maybe all these alternative viewpoints are too much for them to handle." -- Trent Wohlschlaeger (jtw@wuee1.wustl.edu) %% "Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?" -- Stanislaw Lem %% "Is it raining?" %% "Is it really that good? It couldn't be, could it? I mean, a first attempt by a total amateur?" "I'll tell you how good that is: even a gifted director couldn't hurt it." -- from DEATHTRAP %% "Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" -- A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS %% "Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out; and such as are out wish to get in." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Montaigne" %% "Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system has been lost?" -- Quentin Crisp %% "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" -- Mae West %% "Is that a real poncho, or a Sears poncho?" %% "Is that a real poncho... I mean Is that a Mexican poncho or is that a Sears poncho?" -- Frank Zappa, "Camarillo Brillo" %% "Is that how a warped brain like your's gets its kicks? By planning the deaths of innocent people?" "No... by *causing* the deaths of innocent people." -- Lex Luthor and Superman discuss Fun Evenings in "Superman" %% "Is the devil to have all the passions as well as all the good tunes?" -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman" %% "Is there anyone on this ship who even... remotely... resembles Satan, Mr. Spock?" -- Captain Kirk picks on Mr. Spock again %% "Is there life before death?" -- Belfast Graffito %% "Is this a trick question?" %% "Is this bullshit or fertilizer?" -- Author unknown %% "Is this foreplay?" "No, this is Nuke Strike. Foreplay has lousy graphics. Beat me again." -- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics) %% "Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb. %% "Isn't it ironic that Herman Wouk's WAR AND REMEMBRANCE cost $110,000,000 to produce when World War II itself cost only $80,000,000." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "Isn't tonight a school night?" -- Superman asks an interrogative of a traunt Robin in a tank in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS %% "Israel today announced that it is giving up. The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities around the world. Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'" -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" News %% "It ain't over until it's over." -- Casey Stengel %% "It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble. It's the things we know that ain't so." -- Artemus Ward (1834-1867), aka Charles Farrar Brown %% "It always hearted me to know that the rocket (Atlas) I was riding upon was made by the lowest bidder." -- John Glenn, paraphrased on his orbital flight in 1962. %% "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only have wings by not being Walter's horse. I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" %% "It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "It didn't look like a biscuit box did it? I've always felt that it might." -- Noel Coward, of the Taj Mahal %% "It doesn't even have to be a Pelvis." %% "It doesn't matter how sincere it is, nor how heart-felt the spirit. Sentiment will not endear it. What's important is the price." -- Tom Lehrer %% "It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of his army's downfall." -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Military Maxims and Thought" %% "It gets late early out here." -- Yogi Berra %% "It had to be said: the world is perishing from an orgy of self-sacrifice." -- Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead" %% "It happened on the strip where the road is wide Two cool shorts standing side by side My fuel injected Sting Ray and a 413 Revving up our engines and it sure sounds mean Pack it up, pack it up Buddy, going to shut you down." "Pedal to the floor, hear his dual quads ring And now the 413's lead is starting to shrink He's out with ram induction but it's understood I've got a fuel injected engine sitting under my hood Turn it off, turn it off Buddy, now I've shut you down" %% "It has always been true that in the United States the people who ought to read books write them." -- Gore Vidal [Editor's note: Now if Vidal would only take his own advice...] %% "It has been said that motor racing shares in common with sex the distinction of being of the most popular, most maligned and least understood of human activities. -- Charles Beaumont and William F. Nolan from "Omnibus of Speed" %% "It has nothing to do with the size of Mr. Alnwick's company. We go after companies large and small." -- Rita Black, spokesperson for IBM, "Unix Today!", 5/29/89, page 51 %% "It helps a little if you review Alice in Wonderland immediately before examining the export regulations." -- Prof. Jerry Saltzer, in 1988 %% "It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle "Sherlock Holmes: Scandal in Bohemia" %% "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill, "My Early Life" %% "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) %% "It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman" %% "It is always better to trust your dog, rather than your neighbors." -- Walton %% "It is an ill wind that blows no mind." %% "It is at night that faith in light is admirable." -- Edmond Rostand %% "It is better to be a living coward than a dead hero." %% "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not." -- Andre Guide %% "It is better to be silent and be real, than to talk and be unreal." -- Ignatius Martyr %% "It is better to go into a corner slow and come out fast, than to go into a corner fast and come out dead." -- Stirling Moss %% "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same." -- Mike Dennison %% "It is better to shred the bugger than to bugger the shredder." -- Ancient Doltic proverb %% "It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree." -- Charles Baudelaire %% "It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to explain it." "It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out!" -- Steve Martin and Carl Reiner battle it out in DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID %% "It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "It is fun being in the same decade with you." -- FDR to Winston Churchill, 1942 %% "It is good to see so many young faces in the crowd." -- Reinhold Messner %% "It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "It is indeed a sad commentary when it's easier to send a person 500 years into the past than across town." -- Judah Macabee comments on Time-Travel in Cynosure %% "It is not enough to have crashed the system. You must also have Talent!" %% "It is not metres, but a metre-making argument, that makes a poem." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "The Poet" %% "It is not only [the juror's] right, but his duty, in that case, to find the verdict according to his own best understanding, judgement, and conscience, though in direct opposition to the direction of the court." -- John Adams (1735-1826), 1771 %% "It is not possible to convey sarcasm to certain members of the net without using a 2x4. The smiley face merely reminds them of why their head is being dented." -- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu %% "It is not the criminal things which are hardest to confess, but the ridiculous and shameful." -- Jean Jacques Rousseau %% "It is not uncommon in a Republican convention hall for delegates to gather in menacing clumps around the press gallery, shaking their fists and shouting imprecations. (When this happened in Dallas in 1984, some of us fantasized about picking up our friend Ben Wattenberg bodily and tossing him over the side into the angry crowd with a cry of "Get 'im! He's a Democrat!" Wattenberg would've had only a split second to convince the enraged delegates that while he may look like a Democrat, he actually supports the Contras, the Reagan Doctrine, Star Wars, etc. But Wattenberg is such a nice guy that we didn't have the heart.)" -- Hendrik Hertzberg %% "It is our job to make women unhappy with what they have." -- B. Earl Puckett, former President, Allied Stores %% "It is overdoing the thing to die of love." -- French proverb %% "It is tempting to take the easy political path ... to get peace at any price now, even though I know that a peace of humiliation for the United States would lead to a bigger war or surrender later." -- Richard Milhouse Nixon, April 30, 1970 %% "It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating us in a stupid way." -- J. W. Nienhuys %% "It is the cunning of form to veil itself continually in the evidence of content. It is the cunning of the code to veil itself and to produce itself in the obviousness of value." -- Baudrillard %% "It is the sick oyster which possesses the pearl." -- J. A. Shedd "Salt From My Attic" %% "It is traditional to leave the notation ambiguous." %% "It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatever for supposing it true." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967), "Skeptical Essays" %% "It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion." -- William Ralph Inge %% "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." -- John Andrew Holmes %% "It isn't easy being a fat narcissist." -- Jackie Gleason %% "It isn't spread by casual contact, you know." "Yeah, *I* know! Why did YOU pull back?" "People. I love 'em." -- Observations on humanity in CONCRETE %% "It just doesn't make any sense, Penfold!" "But our adventures NEVER make any sense, DM!" -- Dangermouse %% "It just goes to show what you can do if you're a total psychotic." -- Woody Allen %% "It looks like a baked potato". %% "It looks like a photon pod... but it's a verrry bad design." -- "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." -- Darrin Weinberg %% "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him." -- Arthur C. Clarke %% "It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington." -- Admiral Grace Hopper %% "It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows." -- Steven Wright %% "It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety." -- Salvor Hardin, in Isaac Asimov's "Foundation" %% "It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 %% "It saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus, who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn't even interested in New Worlds but only in spices. Out on a spin in search of curry powder and hot peppers - a man on a voyage to the grocery - he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the credit for it. And then to name it 'America' after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew incredibly inaccurate maps of it. By rights, it should be called Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier. The United States of Erica. Erica the Beautiful. The Erican League." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" %% "It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." -- Frank Zappa %% "It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt.... This explains why I don't meet many babes." -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "It still brings to mind the question of what (if anything) can be done to show the media that 'cyberpunks' aren't just a bunch of pimple-faced geeks who sit around trying to break into bank computers or whatever." -- James Hartman (phaedrus@flatline.UUCP) But cyberpunks *are* a bunch of pimple-faced geeks who sit around trying to break into bank computers or whatever. Re-read "Neuromancer" and apply the inverse James Bond transformation to Case and his cohorts. They're all supposed to be totally out of shape, with their disdain for the "meat". -- Peter da Silva, peter@sugar.hackercorp.com %% "It suddenly occurs to me, Hong, that if THESE are American tourists, I would certainly hate to engage their military..." -- OK, when was the last time YOU invaded China? From THE SHADOW %% "It takes a smart man to know when he's stupid." -- Barney Rubble %% "It takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are." -- Raymond A. Michel %% "It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling" -- Robert Frost %% "It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." -- Robert Benchly %% "It took no computation to dance to the rock 'n roll station." -- VU %% "It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, probably not someone here on campus." -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer worm hit the Internet %% "It used to be that death and taxes alone were inevitable. Now there's shipping and handling." -- Bert Murray, "The Wall Street Journal" %% "It was Hell", recalls former Child. %% "It was a KODAK moment, shot on FUJI film, printed on AGFA paper, done by 1-HOUR photo." -- Jeff Hargiss jdhargiss@orion.arc.nasa.gov %% "It was a mutual parting of the ways. We gave him the freedom to do what he wanted to do." "What was that?" "Drink himself to death." -- The Cowboy Wally Show %% "It was all very impressive, but the State of Arizona built an air-tight case..." "This woman does not own ONE Willie Nelson tape... OR album. NOT ONE!" -- From HONKEYTONK SUE %% "It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe." %% "It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were so many people talking." -- Yogi Berra %% "It was just dumb luck that Unix managed to break through the Stupidity Barrier and become popular in spite of its inherent elegance." -- gavin@krypton.sgi.com %% "It was necessary to destroy the village in order to save it." -- U. S. Army Commander, Vietnam %% "It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top." -- Hunter S. Thompson %% "It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it's a family thing, and I guess it's clean." -- Barbara Bush re: THE SIMPSONS %% "It was unintelligible at any speed we played it." -- A US Government report investigating possible bad words in "Louie Louie" %% "It wasn't lies. It was just bullshit, that's all." -- Elwood Blues %% "It were better to perish than to continue schoolmastering." -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% "It would be an absurdity for jurors to be required to accept the judge's view of the law, against their own opinion, judgement, and conscience." -- John Adams (1735-1826) %% "It wouldn't be sporting to just run over them... Would it?" "Yes... Yes, it would!" -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "It's ... it's a ... pretty big cliff, Will," I stammered. "Yes. Very big." -- John Long, Direct North Buttress, Middle Cathedral Rock, Yosemite Valley %% "It's Czechoslovakia, man! It's like going into Wisconsin!" -- Stripes %% "It's Jenny's brother, Butch! Boy, are we semi-glad to see you." -- Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT! %% "It's Mayor McCheese." "Huh?? What kind of menace is Mayor McCheese?!" "Um... Okay. He has a machine gun." -- Woody tries to add some life to a role-playing game in ZOT! %% "It's OK to divide by zero, provided you don't cancel it." %% "It's OK to do the right thing... as long as you don't get caught." -- The Lone Contractor %% "It's Woody Allen's fault," he had said, squeezing his bottle of Rolling Rock as if it were a hand grip. "He had to go and ruin romantic love for all the rest of us for all time with his goddamn lobsters." -- Ann Beattie %% "It's a _real_ integer, not just any old integer." %% "It's a classic Pinzer maneuver; it can't fail against a bunch of ten-year-olds!" -- Herman in "Bart the General", from The Simpsons %% "It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!" -- Saturday Night Live %% "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear." -- Norm from Cheers %% "It's a fine world, though rich in hardships at times." -- Augustus McCrae %% "It's a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle %% "It's a great time to be alive and be a computer weenie." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "It's a hell of a thing, killing a man. You take away all he has and all he's ever gonna have." -- Will Munny, "Unforgiven" %% "It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." "Hit it." -- Jake and Elwood Blues, "The Blues Brothers" %% "It's a job for YOU, Dangermouse..." "Oh, *good* old DM!" "...AND Penfold." "Oh, 'eck." -- Dangermouse %% "It's a mistake to try to understand machines...they only worry me." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "It's a place that falls off maps." -- Frank Furrillo %% "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards," the Queen remarked. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "It's a standard question, made a bit harder by adding some A-level stuff." %% "It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle %% "It's all absolutely devastatingly true, except the bits that are lies." -- Douglas Adams %% "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could have thought it up, I wonder?" -- James Purdy %% "It's almost like having a fifth sense or something!" -- Homer in "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons %% "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" %% "It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here, and I'm most obliged to you for making it clear that I'm not here" -- Syd Barrett %% "It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear." -- Freeman Dyson Freeman did indeed say that, but I'm probably the only person who was listening to him at the time. So, you won't find it written in any of his books. -- Russell Nelson, nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu %% "It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." -- Top Gun %% "It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!" -- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse %% "It's early and it's getting earlier." %% "It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". %% "It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff." -- LEAVE IT TO BEAVER %% "It's hard to argue with someone who knows what he's talking about." %% "It's just phenomenal. Mr. Wilson did upwards in 40,000 dollars in business over the weekend. Funny its all withdraws though." -- Marshall's Dad, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "It's just what we need... a colossal negative space wedgie of great power coming right at us at warp speed." -- Star Drek %% "It's like deja vu all over again." -- Yogi Berra %% "It's like pissing your pants to keep yourself warm." -- Disparaging Danish engineering proverb describing short-term solutions %% "It's like: `JESUS TOLD ME TO! NOW WHAT?'" -- Sam Kinison %% "It's mine! All mine!!!" -- Donald Duck %% "It's morally wrong to let a sucker keep his money." -- Canada Bill Jones %% "It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it, it goes in." -- karl %% "It's my wife", explained the depressed man in the drug store, "she never makes any noise during our lovemaking. Can you help me"? "Have you ever thought of using ribbed condoms"?, asked the pharmacist, "here try these on for SIGHS". %% "It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where can we go?" "Argentina?" -- Yellow Submarine %% "It's no longer socially acceptable to talk about rape as a crime of passion, boys; it's like making jokes about black people and watermelons. Unless you're from the "barefoot and pregnant" school of social relations, you should have enough sensitivity to avoid discussing extremely unpleasant violent acts in a flippant manner in front of people who must live in fear of being potential victims, or who are likely acquaintances of actual ones. Jim Muller is of course an exception, because he's an artiste." -- Dave Touretzky %% "It's no sweat, Henry. Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died. So he'll regenerate in a couple of days. It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in the first place. Humph!" -- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics %% "It's no use, boys -- there's too many damn orphans! (Why can't teenagers be more careful?)" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio, SENSELESS CRUELTY %% "It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!" -- John BigBoote (Big-Boot-tay) in "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "It's not a trick, it's a joke." -- SONY TV commercial JTD " " -- Charles Chaplin for IBM. %% "It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics. It's television. It's only television." -- Linda Ellerbee %% "It's not by amusing oneself that one learns." -- Anatole France (1844-1924) "It's only by amusing oneself that one can learn." -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman %% "It's not enough knowing good from rotten..." "You're telling me." "When something new pops up every day." "You're telling me!" "It's only new, though, for now..." "Nouveau!" "But yesterday's forgotten..." "...and tomorrow is already passe!" "There's no surprise." "That is the state of the art, my friend! That is the state of the art!" -- Stephen Sondheim, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE %% "It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." -- Cal Keegan %% "It's not me I'm worried about... It's your mother... Pining away her twilight years..." "It's a terrible thing when a mother spends her old age in a pine tree." -- Cerebus %% "It's not necessarily the coldest woman that gets the fur coat." %% "It's not so hard to be married, When two maneuver as one; It's not so hard to be married, And, Jesus Christ, is it fun." -- Stephen Sondheim, COMPANY %% "It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's got so much better." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% "It's obvious that what I've just written down is obvious." %% "It's odd that you can get so anesthetized to your own pain or your own problem that you don't quite fully share the hell of someone close to you." -- Lady Bird Johnson %% "It's only work if somebody makes you do it." -- Calvin %% "It's public knowledge that you dislike small animals and children, Luthor." -- Superman IV -- don't see it! %% "It's real handy, havin' an Elder God in the band, eh?" -- Savage Henry, Post Brothers comics %% "It's really difficult to sympathize with someone who can bounce bullets off his chest." -- Frank Miller %% "It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power. When they do act, they think of it as service, which has limits. The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insatiable, implacable." -- David Brin "The Postman" %% "It's so easy to laugh It's so easy to hate It takes strength to be gentle and kind" -- Morrissey %% "It's still a Police Box. Why hasn't it changed ? Dear dear dear - how very disturbing." -- Doctor Who - The Cave of Skulls, 1963 %% "It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are? -- Peter Oakley %% "It's the Peterson kid dressed as an iguana!" -- "Bloom County" %% "It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes." -- Rick Obidiah %% "It's the things that nobody knows anything about that we can discuss..." -- Richard Phillips Feynman (1918-1988) %% "It's tough to incriminate a bread mold." %% "It's true... I consume 47 times my own weight in fast-food burgers. They call me the human Rolaid." -- Baron and Badger %% "It's very hard for anything to make it out of Hollywood these days without a lame-ass wimpout ending tacked on at the whining request of test audiences selected from the most puerile of the Nielsen families, who are, as we all know, chosen on the basis of the number of cousin-cousin marriages in their family over the last ten generations." -- Nix Thompson (nix@sgi.com) %% "It's very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damage [sic] baby even ten years later when she may be happily married." -- Phyllis Schlafly %% "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." -- John Wooden %% "It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue." -- Eric Pepke %% "It's... Ghandi On Ice!" "I'm starving for attention, proclaiming my dissension..." -- From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING? %% "Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community." -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) %% "Its tough to battle the forces of weirdness when you're under 18 and your parents can still boss you around" -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% "J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty. If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon." -- Richard Bachman (Stephen King) %% "JUST a statue! Is the Statue of Liberty JUST a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of 'pizza' JUST a statue?" -- Homer to Bart in "Tell-Tale Head" (Homer pronounced it as 'pizza' not 'Pisa'), from The Simpsons %% "Jack Putter... TO THE RESCUE!" -- Martin Short, adventurer, from the conclusion of INNER SPACE %% "Jane, you ignorant slut." -- Saturday Night Live %% "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." -- Patti Smith %% "Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine." %% "Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin." -- Michael O'Donohugh %% "Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!" -- John Wichers (wichers@husc4.HARVARD.EDU) %% "Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd) %% "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?" -- Airplane! %% "John gave me a message to give to you. Made me memorize it. `Thank you Sarah, for your courage during the dark years. I cannot help you now with what you must face except to say that the future is not set. You must be stronger than you imagine you can be. You must survive, or I will not exist. Message ends." %% "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck." -- Robin Williams %% "Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "Judge Robert Bork, in an attempt to win sympathy from the American people after his unsuccessful attempts to be confirmed to the Supreme Court, walked into his back yard and fell down a 30-foot abandoned well. So far, no efforts have been made to get him out." -- Dennis Miller %% "Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins." -- Tom Stoppard %% "Just Say No." -- Nancy Reagan %% "Just Say No." -- Nancy Reagan "No." -- Ronald W. Reagan %% "Just add water, and Mr. Tea does the rest!" -- Fr. Guido Sarducci %% "Just because I'm not a real person doesn't mean I'm not a *good* person." "That's... that's beautiful, Fuzz. You want to host a telethon?" -- A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC DISRUPTORS %% "Just because you understand what something should look like doesn't mean you know how to build it." -- karl@neosoft.com %% "Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple." "Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Just can't get enough... Just can't get enough... Just can't get enough..." -- "Zombies in P.J.s", Eerie Indiana %% "Just like I've always said; there's nothing an agnostic can't do if he's not sure he believes in anything or not!" -- Monty Python %% "Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US %% "Just remember little paper boy - love's a heart breaker." -- Elvis, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "Just remember, he knows more than you do!" "I have a Master's Degree!" "In SCIENCE!" -- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre's Ask Mr. Science %% "Just remember, the stars are *very* far away... but that's good, because they're REALLY HOT!" -- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio %% "Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C." -- Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE %% "Just the facts, Ma'am" -- Joe Friday %% "Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Just think of a computer as hardware you can program." -- Nigel de la Tierre %% "Just think! With the push of a button, you could be a 500-story gastropod -- a slug the size of the Chrysler Building." "Gosh, how can I refuse?" "Well, if you don't like that, be something else! I don't care!" -- CALVIN AND HOBBES %% "Just think, IBM and DEC in the same room, and we did it." -- Ken Thompson, quoted by Dennis Ritchie %% "Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!" -- Alan J. Perlis %% "Just what the country needs -- more insurgent teams." -- From OUTLANDER %% "Just when you think you have a handle on how weird Eerie is during the day, the whole town does a bellyflop at night." -- Marshall, "Zombies in P.J.s", Eerie Indiana %% "Justice and solidarity feel good. In the end." -- A comment on the price of liberty. From AARGH! %% "Justice has nothing to do with what goes on in a courtroom, Justice is what comes out of a courtroom." -- Clarence S. Darrow (1857-1938) %% "Justice, like lightning, should ever appear To some men hope, to other men fear." -- Jefferson Pierce %% "Justice, like lightning, should ever appear To some people, hope, and to other ones, fear." -- A slightly changed version of Tony Isabella's opening lines to BLACK LIGHTNING %% "KILLER KITTY TEARS OLD WIDOW TO SHREDS" %% "Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his data into it." -- F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240 %% "Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?" -- Chief Inspector Clouseau, in reference to a priceless white Steinway piano. %% "Keep honking... I'm reloading." -- Mike Golden mgolden@cwis.unomaha.edu %% "Keep the wind in your solar sails..." -- Glenn Clapp %% "Keeping proprietary and confidential information secret is the key to moving the computer industry into the 21st century." -- Letter from Apple Computer and Rasterops to the Macintosh user community %% "Kid -- riding a buffalo is dangerous! Keep the change and buy yourself a gravity knife and some fireworks." -- Sound advice from THE BADGER %% "Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!" -- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones) %% "Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood, but he's not soft." -- Star Trek "Trouble With Tribbles" %% "Kitten: small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two." -- strata@psyche.mit.edu %% "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Babs' uvula." "Babs' uvula who?" "I don't know, Babs, but I do know this. Your uvula's on the fritz." "Gee, doc, I must have stupidly glossed right over my uvula!" -- Saturday Night Live %% "Knowing how things work is the basis for appreciation, and is thus a source of civilized delight." -- William Safire %% "Knowing when to optimize is as important as knowing how." -- Tom Neff %% "Knowing you, you're probably doing twice as much as is healthy for you." %% "Koko, will there be gnomes and dwarves for Lebee to wrestle with?" "Yes Mishu, and also trolls and mutants we may spar with!" -- Saturday Night Live %% "Krusty has small feet. Like all good-hearted people." -- Bart in "Krusty Gets Busted" %% "Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people." -- Bart in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated." -- Homer in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "L'extension des privileges des femmes est le principe general de tous progres sociaux." -- Charles Fourier, 1808 %% "LONG LIVE THE GLORIOUS COCKROACH REBELLION AGAINST THE GREAT SUBURBAN BOURGEOIS OPPRESSOR SWINE-PIG!" "I HATE revolutionary jargon." "`Psychophallystisis.'" "Eat hot death, Steve." -- "Bloom County" %% "LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed." %% "La Musique est une science Qui veut qu'on rit et chant et danse." -- Machaut (1300-77) %% "Lab rats seem to have been bred for cancer hypersensitivity by the medical establishment and the FDA. We are the kings and the rats taste our food." -- James Salsman (jps@cat.cmu.edu) %% "Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with America's influential trendsetters, Max. We'd be hosed." -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "Ladies and Gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill the British Film Industry would be today." -- Monty Python %% "Ladies and gentlemen, the question you have to ask yourselves on November 8th is whose judgement do you trust? Do you trust the judgement of a man who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that money to fund an illegal war in Central America, or do you trust a son of Greek immigrants, who can think and talk in complete sentences?" -- From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE %% "Lady Aster, you are positively the ugliest woman alive." "Mr. Churchill, you are drunk." "True, but I'll be sober in the morning." %% "Lake Wobegon takes its name from an Indian phrase that means either 'Here we are!' or 'we sat all day in the rain waiting for you.'" -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" %% "Lampshade Love" Oh Lampshade! How you soften light. Protecting my eyes from blinding light. You shift the light on this and that. At parties you double as a hat. Oh Lampshade! It's so clearly true, That I am devoted so much to you. -- Ravenous Tenebrosity %% "Language is fossil poetry." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "The Poet" %% "Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared adventure and achievement to the society at large." -- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" %% "Lascivious adulterer!" "Don't call me that again until I look it up! Ah, a lascivious adulterer is a man who is a lascivious adulterer! What kind of book is this?" -- Woody Allen, "What's New, Pussycat?" %% "Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world." -- Steve Wright %% "Last night I watched the news and the end of the broadcast showed numerous changes favorable for the people (e.g., Rumania, Berlin Wall, etc.). My fiancee and I turned to each other and said ``No images from the US.''" -- Mike Shaff, shaff@elements.rpal.com %% "Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops." %% "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" -- Steven Wright %% "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection Of an ideal connection -- I was screwed, if you must know the truth." %% "Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle." -- Steven Wright %% "Last year they got food poisoning. This year they got Bill Gates." -- MacWeek on the NAUG meeting %% "Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..." -- Stephen Wright %% "Late that night, something really creepy-mondo-weird was happening at my house." -- Marshall, "The Dead Letter", Eerie Indiana %% "Later grizzly dudes!" -- Bart in "Call of the Simpsons", from The Simpsons %% "Laugh while you can, monkey-boy." -- Dr. Emilio Lizardo, "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children." -- Miriam Robbins %% "Law may be defined as ethical control applied to communication." %% "Laws are made for us; we are not made for the laws." -- William Milonoff, 1993 Vice-President of the Executive Committee, Free Democratic Party, Russia %% "Laws don't work, unless they merely codify generally accepted behavior, in which case they are probably unnecessary." -- tom@genie.slhs.udel.edu %% "Lawyers are like nuclear bombs and PClones. Nobody likes them, but the other guy's got one, so I better get one too." %% "Lead us in a few words of silent prayer." -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach %% "Leaders of underdeveloped nations, spurning 'capitalism', boast of special brands of 'Socialism'. Leopold Senghor of Senegal says 'Socialism is a sense of community which is a return to Africanism.' Julius Nyerere of Tanganyika insists 'no underdeveloped country can afford to be anything but Socialist.' Tunisia's Habib Bourguiba claims Mohammed's companions 'were Socialists before the invention of the word.' And Cambodia's Prince Norodom Sihanouk contends 'our Socialism is first and foremost an application of Buddhism.'" The above is true, totally true, true all the way down to the deepest philosophical, psychological, political, and moral fundamentals. And this is the most damning indictment of socialism that a rational person could need to see. Socialism is a regression to primitive barbarism. But that is not the appraisal or the conclusion of the USIA report. It is to the Mohammedans, the Buddhists, and the cannibals ... -- to the under-developed, the undeveloped and the not-to-be-developed cultures -- that the Capitalist USA is asked to apologize for her skyscrapers, her automobiles, her plumbing, and her smiling, confident, untortured, un-skinned-alive, un-eaten young men! -- Ayn Rand %% "Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of thorns." -- Tehyi Hsieh %% "Learn Yourself English." -- Title of a textbook published in India %% "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." -- Bruce Springsteen %% "Leave her alone, you BITCH!" %% "Leaving a trail of slime wherev-" >CLICK!< -- "Bloom County" %% "Lenin probably wouldn't understand. But then, no one around he seems to care what he would think." -- Lynn Ashby's report on Romania %% "Lesser artists borrow, great artists steal." -- Igor Stravinsky %% "Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable." -- Robert Green Ingersoll (1833-1899) %% "Let me control a planet's oxygen supply, and I don't care who makes the laws." -- Great Cthuhlu's Starry Wisdom Band (via Roger Leroux) %% "Let me guess, Ed. Pentecostal, right?" -- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu "Nope. Charismatic (I think - I've given up on what all those pesky labels mean)." -- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com "Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain cell per congregation. Starcap'n Ra, you pegged him. Good work!" -- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP %% "Let me help." A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words even over "I love you." -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown %% "Let no one mistake it for comedy, farcical though it may be in all its details. It serves notice on the country that Neanderthal man is organizing in these forlorn backwaters of the land, led by a fanatic, rid of sense and devoid of conscience. Tennessee, challenging him too timorously and too late, now sees its courts converted into camp meetings and its bill of rights made a mock of by its sworn officers of the law." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), about the Scopes Monkey Trial %% "Let the evil minds of the world beware! Ever and always shall the Avengers prevail!" -- Thor %% "Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them." -- James Thurber (1894-1961) %% "Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans -- born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage -- and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed...." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963) (from his Inaugural Address) %% "Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us." -- militant religionists everywhere %% "Let us go forth not as defenders of the status quo, but as crusaders with a revolution idea - that government should be the servant and not the master of the people; that its purpose is to protect, not deny, each man's freedom; that the purpose of a free press is to liberate, not enslave the human spirit." -- From the speech made by A. S. Hills upon taking office as President of the Inter-American Press Association %% "Let us see," the blind man said. %% "Let us toast the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Let's blast the Holy Bejeezus out of the savage desert planet LIBYA!... "Instant gratification: the stuff of leadership." -- "Bloom County" %% "Let's get married," said Tom engagingly. %% "Let's give discredit where discredit is due." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Let's go! If I'm not back at The Home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!" -- The Simpsons %% "Let's have some new cliches." -- Samuel Goldwyn, when told a script was full of old cliches %% "Let's make ethanol green this afternoon." -- R. Friesen Chemistry 124 %% "Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?" -- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989 %% "Let's see who's up the creek without an overthruster NOW, Space Cadet!" %% "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!" -- The Ghostbusters %% "Let's spin the big wheel and see what year we land on today, Dave." %% "Let's throw this Jailbird down the elevator shaft!" Said Tom, condescendingly. %% "Lets visit the tomb," said Tom cryptically. %% "Liberty is the mother not the daughter of order." -- Proudhon %% "Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you are willing to give it to others." -- William Allen White %% "Lies written in ink can never disguise facts written in blood. Blood debts must be repaid in kind. The longer the delay, the greater the interest." -- Chinese author Lu Xun, 1926 %% "Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of watching television." -- Cal Keegan %% "Life in a free society is friendly, prosperous, pleasant, cultured, and ever-longer." -- Jeff Daiell, 1989, in contrapoint to Hobbes %% "Life is a five-part miniseries, and I have somehow already missed parts one through four." -- "Cathy" %% "Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit." -- David McCord %% "Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain." -- Joe Bak %% "Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it." -- Alice Walker %% "Life is full of surprises when you're up th' stream of consciousness without a paddle..." -- Zippy the Pinhead %% "Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well." -- Robert Louis Stevenson %% "Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." -- "The Princess Bride" %% "Life is wasted on the living." -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", by Douglas Adams %% "Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...." -- Thomas J. Kopp %% "Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative." -- Peter da Silva, peter@ficc.uu.net %% "Life's a Cabaret... Long, dull, and full of Nazis." -- Howard The Duck %% "Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters." -- Ross Presser %% "Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words." -- Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes" %% "Life's too short for chess." -- H. J. Byron, "Our Boys", Act I %% "Life's too short, and so are you!" -- Hooper %% "Life...loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Like all reputable surgeons, I charge by the pound..." -- Ernie %% "Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life." -- Lord Byron %% "Limbo Slam": Large shot glass filled with 2 parts 7-UP and 1 part clear rum. Drink it like a Tequila popper - cover the glass with your hand, slam it on a towel-covered table top and drink it before the fizz dies out. %% "Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink palette, and it did not sway in the wind." -- "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream" by Harlan Ellison %% "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: in it he found that the damned things diverged. -- Piet Hein %% "Lipton....The place where they make all that tea?" %% "Listen! And understand! That terminator is out there. It can't be reasoned with, it can't be bargained with. It doesn't know pity, or remorse or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead..." %% "Listen! Do you smell something?" %% "Listen, Kalina, I can either be Johnny Nemo or I can be careful -- I can't be both!" -- That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO %% "Listen, how about if you hit me instead, and then my niece can finally see how two grown men can fit into an aspirin bottle." -- Maggie's Aunt (the wrestler) with some advice for the youth of America %% "Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!" "Be quiet!" "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!" "Shut up!" "I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!" -- Monty Python "Holy Grail" %% "Lithium is no longer available on credit." -- "Buckaroo Banzai" %% "Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets." -- Yogi Berra %% "Little else matters than to write good code." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Little mouse tensored with piece of cheese." "The prime leaps on to the other factor in a most convenient fashion." "You can hardly underestimate the importance of this." %% "Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of nature are constantly broken for their sakes." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) %% "Live For The Moment" Looking back at yesterday Full of regrets, guilt, what ifs Looking ahead to tomorrow Full of hopes, plans, and dreams Exhausting all of our energies On things we can not change Wanting to change those yet to come Slow down, take a look around For we aren't what we used to be And aren't what we hope to be Only one thing remains sure We are what we are here and now Since we can't change yesterday We can learn from it Grow stronger, wiser in our ways To help make today a better place to live Fill it with love, happiness, giving, caring, and sharing Building strength for the day to come Looking ahead we build our hopes Plan our dreams and seek to find The things we missed in days gone by Somehow, it seems, again we exhaust our energies Nature takes her course, regardless of our plans Thus in the end, filled with despair, disappointment, disillusion Slow down, take a look around For we aren't what we used to be And we aren't what we hope to be Enjoy today, here and now Bask in the beauty which surrounds you Life is so precious, time slipping away Don't live for yesterday or tomorrow Live for the moment, live for today... %% "Live free or WISH you had" -- Gail L. Grant grant@pa.dec.com %% "Live or die, I'll make a million." -- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater %% "Living without hallucinations is like breathing with only one nostril." -- Wisdom from a dying Weisshaupt in CEREBUS %% "Llamas are larger than frogs." -- Monty Python %% "Lobbyists threatening to withhold campaign contributions from lawmakers who don't support their special-interest causes could be violating bribery laws, Colorado House Speaker Bev Bledsoe warned yesterday." -- The Denver Post, 3 May 1990, p. 1B %% "Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell _bad_." -- Star Trek "I, Mudd" %% "Long live the ideals of Marxism-Lennonism! May the thoughts of Groucho and John guide us in word, thought, and deed!" %% "Look at him! Just *look* at him! What's he doing?" "Scratching his head." "...with his foot. I quit!" -- ... and Opus looks at wrestling. "Bloom County" %% "Look at me, Ma! I'm on top of the world!" -- James Cagney ("White Heat") %% "Look at that! It's AMAZING!" "You're right! How does he manage to speak and blow the pipe at the SAME TIME?!" -- And DC continuity is wrecked again in BLUE DEVIL %% "Look at them yo-yo's, that's the way ya do it Ya go to grad school, get your PhD" %% "Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally. %% "Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find it." -- Jules Renard %% "Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!" -- Bart in the babysitter episode "Some Enchanted Evening?", from The Simpsons %% "Look ma! Three arms!" -- J. Eric Townsend (erict@flatline.UUCP) %% "Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers all the time." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "Look! It's trying to think!" -- Twin Peaks %% "Look! Sunglasses! EXACTLY like the ones worn by the American Don Johnson!" -- Several Chinese Army guards find evidence in THE SHADOW %% "Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!" -- Buckaroo Banzai %% "Look, if anyone else pinches my phrase, I'll throw them under a camel!" -- Monty Python %% "Look, it's Mister *E*!" "I pity the fool who picks on my group of ethnically-mixed friends." -- From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE %% "Look, there's somethin movin here and it aint us!" -- Hudson %% "Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown trousers time." -- Holly %% "Look....up in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane...it's a frog!" "A frog?" "Not bird nor plane nor even frog, just little old me, Underdog!" %% "Looking for me?" The mocking voice echoed around the Market Square of Nottingham. Gisbon cursed - the figure in Lincoln green was already outside the castle. Bellowing an order, he sent the Norman troops charging out of the gate, plunging into screaming, bellowing, clucking chaos. Behind him, the now-solitary guard on the dungeon gate choked unnoticed in the huge grasp of Little John, the Hood's chief enforcer. Soon the two below would have their heads clashed together and John would free Scarlett the Swordmaster, Alan-a-dale the Musicmaster, Marion the Seductress and Nasir the Poisoner. Once more the cream of the Assassin's Guild had escaped the Sheriff's justice... %% "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!" -- Lloyd Bridges from AIRPLANE! %% "Looks like she's having her monthly visit by 'Mr. Cranky'." -- Dan Fielding %% "Looks like this ain't our mummy. See? Out-of-state plates." -- The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories %% "Looks like we're in for sleet tonite," Tom said icily. %% "Looky hyar, boys!" "Golden bullets!" "Hoo-hah!" "This man is the LONE STRANGER!" -- From the classic Kurtzman/Davis MAD parody of the Lone Ranger %% "Lord Hermes, is it true you can conjure up *anything*?" "Yes." "Awesome! Do y'know what a video entertainment center is?" -- Yes, having an Olympian God around the house is handy. WONDER WOMAN %% "Lord help me, I'm just not that bright." -- Homer in "Some Enchanted Evening", from The Simpsons %% "Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies." -- D'Hericault %% "Lost baby found alive in pumpkin!" %% "Lots of people became extremely rich. But this was perfectly natural and nothing to get upset about, as no one was really poor - at least, no one worth mentioning." -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, `You gotta be in it to win it... but first, you gotta have a dead-end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.'" -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "Love and do what you will." -- St. Augustine %% "Love is DEAD." "How depressing." -- Creator %% "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening %% "Love is always having to say I'm sorry." -- Bob Irwin (birwin@ficc.ferranti.com) %% "Love is never what we looked for and always takes us by surprise: it's the rock on Coyote's head in the middle of the Road Runner chase. It's not the pain of love Coyote minds, it's the *futility* of his inventions in the face of his fate." -- Ian Shoales, Social Critic and Bitter Loudmouth %% "Love is when two people who care about each other get confused." -- Bob Schneider %% "Love may fail, but courtesy will prevail." -- A Kurt Vonnegut fan %% "Love your country but never trust its government." -- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania %% "Love... is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real." -- Iris Murdoch %% "Low-tech is a lot more effective than low-cal." %% "Lucille has messed my mind up,.. but I STILL love her.." -- Frank Zappa, "Joes Garage" %% "Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser." -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" %% "Luke, it sure is a bad moment when you decide to sell out. But a worse moment, the worst moment in the world is when you decide to sell out and nobody's buying." -- from "Bug Jack Barron" by Norman Spinrad %% "Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" -- Obi Wan Gates %% "Lump the whole thing! say that the Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo!" -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Innocents Abroad" %% "Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his delight. A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. Be not a witness against thy neighbor without cause; and deceive not with thy lips. Death and life are in the power of the tongue." -- Proverbs, some selections from the Jewish Scripture %% "MR. DeGUZMAN, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!" "That's Harris. DeGuzman is math." "BAH! They're ALL scoundrels..." -- Zack, looking desperately for evil, from ZOT! %% "MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way." -- Henry Spencer, henry@zoo.toronto.edu %% "MTV. An obedient tongue licking the shiny leather boot of rock and roll." -- MTV commercial %% "MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS." "No, you'll spoil your appetite." "MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION, PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "Macaulay is well for a while, but one wouldn't LIVE under Niagara." -- Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) %% "Maid's night off," said Tom helplessly. %% "Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, our company." -- A Group of Employees %% "Major bizarro." -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% "Make it make it make it make it. It's good!! IT'S GOOD!!" -- Homer in "Tell-Tale Head", from The Simpsons %% "Make yourself necessary to someone." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Conduct of Life" %% "Making it up? Why should I want to make anything up? Life's bad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it." -- Marvin, the Paranoid Android Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Mamma, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers." -- Willie Nelson, with a little help from Bill Mathews %% "Man Charged in Battery Case" I guess you could call this a "current event". %% "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." -- The Super-User %% "Man has got astray out of his orbit, or away from the ends for which he was created." -- John Muir %% "Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile." -- Albert Schweitzer %% "Man is more an ape than many of the apes." %% "Man is not the creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of men." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Man possesses limited intelligence, but alas, unlimited stupidity." %% "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television. %% "Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "Man, an animal that makes bargains." -- Adam Smith (1723-1790) %% "Man, do I look like a cigarette butt?" "huh?" "Cause I sure feel smoked!" -- D Jagoda %% "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -- Dave Platt %% "Many are the wonders of the Universe, and none so wonderful as Mankind!" -- Sophocles %% "Many forms of government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things such as this 'Homer' of yours." -- Jacques in "Jacques to be Wild", from The Simpsons %% "Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bullfighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious, and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and aggressive, with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bullfighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard." -- Monty Python %% "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1967) %% "Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then, do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement." -- J. R. R. Tolkien %% "Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate." -- Oscar Levant, "The Portable Curmudgeon" %% "Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out." -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592) %% "Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it." -- Baskins %% "Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Marriage" %% "Marriage is the death of hope." -- Woody Allen, "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy" %% "Marsha? MARSHA! ...slooowwwwly I turned, inch by inch, step by step..." %% "Marshall, it was the biggest, hugest raccoon you ever saw - enormous" -- Syndi, "Mr Chaney", Eerie Indiana %% "Master of the emotional belly flop." -- Doonesbury %% "Master, why is the letter 'i' the symbol for current?" "Because there is no letter 'i' in the word 'current'." "Master, why do we use the letter 'j' for sqrt(-1)?" "Because we use the letter 'i' for current." Whereupon the Master struck the Disciple, and the Disciple became enlightened. %% "Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!" -- Monty Python %% "Mathematicians are the least expensive researchers to support. All they need is pencils, paper, and a wastebasket -- and when they turn philosopher, they don't even need the wastebasket!" %% "Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulder, Computer Scientists stand on each other's toes." -- someone on the net (please email attribution), about look&feel lawsuits %% "Mathematics can overcome no prejudice, it can soften no stubbornness, it can moderate no partisan spirit; there is nothing moral it can accomplish." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) %% "Max, did you order a talking monkey for this set?" "No, that's just a friend of the family." -- Alternate Earth videos, from ZOT! %% "Max, that bathing suit you're wearing makes my flesh crawl! And where did you get sunglasses to fit your bizarrely-spaced eyeballs?" -- "Sam and Max", Freelance Police %% "May I see you pretty soon?" "Don't you think I'm pretty now?" %% "May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit." -- Monty Python %% "May I take your trident, sir?" -- Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels %% "May the Lord open your eyes and heart so that you may understand him more clearer." -- Patrick Harubin, pgh@cs.duke.edu, soc.religion.islam %% "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin %% "May your future be limited only by your dreams." -- Christa McAuliffe %% "Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity and may Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers." -- Homer in "Crepes of Wrath", from The Simpsons %% "Maybe life is a grindstone; whether it polishes you or wears you down depends on what you're made of." -- Kay Fletcher %% "Maybe there is not one damn villain in the world..." -- The Question %% "Maybe they don't show up on infra red at all.......AAEEEEAAAAAIAIAG" -- Dietrich %% "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help." %% "Maybe you were right... maybe I don't belong here." "Yeah, well, *I* do! YOU showed me that." -- A truly moving sequence from ZOT! %% "Mayor of Kiev Declares May Indoor Sports Month" -- Pravda %% "Me and my partner Ed have been looking into the stress caused by phone answering machines and we find that it is much easier to tolerate those stupid messages if you have a Bartles and Jaymes Premium White Wine Cooler. So instead of getting mad and slamming down the phone, take a drink and leave a message. Thank you for your support." %% "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa; yeah, right. To paraphrase, the net finds its own uses for garbage." -- Eric Hughes (hughes@math.berkeley.edu) %% "Meanwhile, let it be clear what we do: we fight contraception-sterilization- abortion on six continents..." -- Fr. Paul Marx, President, Human Life International, in his brochure, Human Life International Explained, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Meanwhile... the Carrot is using his keen but unorthodox crimefighting techniques..." "Are you a gangster?" -- FLAMING CARROT %% "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Sherlock Holmes: The Valley of Fear", 1914 %% "Meditation in E minor" The skin tipping my fingers Growing hard, calloused and dry My mood growing soft and malleable Time passing -- fret to fret to slide to bar to strum to hammer on to hammer off -- A moving meditation To a prancing rhythmic mantra Introspection emerging through a change in chord Knowing naked coiled steel cables Burrowing furrows into my flesh and Blood of the Guitarists' Stigmata flowing Symbolizing a commitment to myself Harmonizing my pastlife Present tense existing only As the humming of vibrating strings And the clacking of a worn yellow pick %% "Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes... and bring a cattle prod!" -- Woody Allen's "What's Up Tiger Lily" %% "Meiguanxi ye meibanfa" %% "Mejor morir a pie que vivir en rodillas." (Better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees.) -- Dolores Ibarruri (La Pasionaria) (1895-?) %% "Memory serves wise commanders." -- Tz'u-hsi, 638 AD %% "Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the options." -- Abba Eban %% "Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous, or when they are most luxurious. They are conservatives after dinner." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "New England Reformers" %% "Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) %% "Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest." -- Denis Diderot in "Dithrambe sur la fete de rois" %% "Mention Jerry Garcia and I'll puke on your shoes." -- A ha-ha from BILLY NGUYEN %% "Merry Christmas, scumwad." -- Norm Buntz's jolly wish to Belker's assailant on HILL STREET BLUES %% "Michelle" is a nice name. Let's call her Michelle. %% "Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!" -- Robin Williams %% "Mind you, I can't say much for the volume's condition. I mean, there's a hole in the jacket and the spine appears to be damaged." -- The Killing Joke %% "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..." -- Monty Python "Ripping Yarns" %% "Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy hat!" -- Elrod from CEREBUS %% "Mine! Mine! It's all mine!" -- D. Duck %% "Mir" means "peace", as in "the war is over; we've won". -- Henry Spencer, henry@zoo.toronto.edu %% "Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's outburst of unbridled creativity." -- Principal Skinner in "Moaning Lisa", from The Simpsons %% "Mistakes were made." -- Life in Hell %% "Mit der Dummheit kaempfen Goetter selbst vergebens." (Against stupidity the very gods fight in vain.) -- Friedrich Schiller (1759-1805) %% "Moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue" -- Oliver North [...so support Ollie's philosophy, and send him to the slammer...] %% "Mom, this isn't 'Happy Days'. Could we have a little privacy." -- Marshall (with Melanie in the attic), "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "Mommy, Mommy! What are vampires?" "Shutup, kid, and eat your soup before it clots!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! Can we play in the sandbox?" "Not until we find a better place to bury your grandmother!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!" "Quick get the marshmallows!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!" "Shutup or I'll tear the veins out of your other arm!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! I don't WANT to visit grandpa!" "Shutup and keep digging!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Europe for vacation!" "Shutup and keep swimming!" %% "Mommy, Mommy! What happened to the scabs on you arms?" "Shutup and eat your cornflakes!" %% "Mommy, Mommy, I keep going in circles." "Shutup, you little brat, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!" %% "Mommy, Mommy, What's a werewolf?" "Shut up and comb your face." %% "Mommy, Mommy, are you sure this is the way to make pizza?" "Shutup and get back into the oven." %% "Mommy, Mommy, what happened to the baby's legs?" "Shutup and eat your drumstticks." %% "Mommy, mommy, Billy threw up!" "So what?" "Jimmy's getting all the big pieces!" %% "Mommy, mommy, I don't like grandma!" "It's OK, son, you just eat your potatoes." %% "Mommy, mommy, I don't like tomato soup." "Shut up, kid, and eat it before it clots." %% "Mommy, mommy, I hate daddy's guts." "Shut up, kid, and eat what's on your plate." %% "Mommy, mommy, I haven't finished playing with grandpa!" "Shutup and put the bones back in the drawer!" %% "Mommy, mommy, can I go out and play?" "Shut up, drink your beer, and deal!" %% "Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?" "Too late, kid, I already flushed it." %% "Mommy, mommy, father hung himself in the bathroom." mommy runs there, finds that nobody is hanging there and yells at the kid. he says, "April fool, he is hanging in the cellar." %% "Mommy, mommy, these potato chips are stale." "Have some respect, kid. It took me a long time to peel those scabs off." %% "Mommy, mommy, where's England?" "Shut up and start rowing!" %% "Mommy, mommy, where's Ethiopia?" "Shut up, kid, and get inside the care package." %% "Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?" "Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells." %% "Mommy,mommy,the boys at school laugh at me and say that I have long teeth." "Shut up, you're making scratches in the floor!" %% "Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race -- the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye. These institutions will always remain, and always flourish, and always oppress you, affront you, and degrade you, because you will always be and remain slaves of minorities. There was never a country where the majority of people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger" %% "Money doesn't talk, it swears." -- Bob Dylan %% "Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes." -- Louisa May Alcott %% "Money is the root of all money." -- the moving finger %% "Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations" -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "Mongo only pawn... in game of life." -- Alex Karras in "Blazing Saddles" %% "Monks in their cowls shall be forced into marriage and their lamentation will be heard on the mountain-peaks." -- The Prophecies of Merlin, Geoffrey of Monmouth %% "Monorail One, you are cleared for hotel dispatch." %% "Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything." -- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom" %% "More input! More input!" %% "More pie, Admiral?" -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all other causes combined." -- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" %% "Morphology is part science and part 'Ipse Dixit.' " %% "Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping." -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) %% "Most likely all that gold was stolen from this vault." %% "Most of the dogmatic religions have exhibited a perverse talent for taking the wrong side on the most important concepts in the material universe, from the structure of the solar system to the origin of man." -- George Gaylord Simpson %% "Most of us can forgive and forget; we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." -- Ivern Ball, "National Enquirer" %% "Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards." -- Soren F. Petersen %% "Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch." -- Robert Orben %% "Most readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up; and in fact in later editions of the book all the pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs. "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term "Future Perfect" has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Rico?" -- Edward G. Robinson ("Little Caesar") %% "Move over, Rover, and let Jimi take over." %% "Movement!" -- Hudson %% "Mr. Canal, stop this instant! I must ask that you refrain from knife-fighting in the White House!" -- Saturday Night Live %% "Mr. Johnson, you smell!" "No madam, you smell, I stink." -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) %% "Mr. Ness! I do not approve of your methods." "Yeah? Well, you're not from Chicago." -- THE UNTOUCHABLES %% "Mr. Nguyen, I'm dead, not stupid." -- A wise zombie from BILLY NGUYEN %% "Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong!" -- Monty Python %% "Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" %% "Mr. President Clinton, can you name one country that has ever taxed and spent its way into prosperity?" -- Loren Fleming of San Diego Call 1-800-682-1776 for information about the Libertarian Party, the Party of Choice. %% "Mr. President, you'd better put more security agents on Mrs. Clinton. if something happened to her you might have to run the country" -- Senator Strom Thurmond %% "Mr. Radford - something mondo-bizarro is goin' on here." -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted snack treats?" -- lawyer from "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Mr. Spock doesn't say, 'Let's blast their buns off.'" %% "Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk." -- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time" %% "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you." -- Alexander Graham Bell %% "Mr. Wilson told me he gets the money from a big slurpy fund, like all the government guys." -- Simon, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) %% "Murphy, I'm a mess!" "That's OK. They'll fix you. They fix everything." -- Robocop %% "Mushy mushy mushy." -- Barney Miller %% "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." -- Doonesbury %% "My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike, As she fondled her stableman's spike. "This is quite out of place, And a great loss of facee -- But I think I have fallen in like!" %% "My God, Thiokol, when do you want me to launch? Next April?" -- L. Mulloy %% "My Lord, my Lord! What hast thou done, lately?" -- Woody Allen %% "My advice to you is that you start drinking heavily." -- Bluto in ANIMAL HOUSE %% "My brain is very important to me. That's why I'm super careful about what I put into the little laboratory on my neck." -- Marshall, "Zombies in PJs", Eerie Indiana %% "My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. "Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. "Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual." -- Calvin & Hobbes %% "My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober." -- Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) %% "My daddy can do math without a calculator!" "Wow! All my dad does is run the country... shucks" %% "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. %% "My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too." -- Peter De Vries %% "My father peddles opium, My mother's on the dole. My sister used to walk the streets But now she's on parole. My uncle plays with little girls; My aunt, she raped a steer, But they won't even speak to me 'cause I'm an engineer." -- The MIT Engineers' Drinking Song %% "My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol." -- George Carlin %% "My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark till he was eight years old." -- Steve Wright %% "My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant." -- Steve Wright %% "My friends, it is better to look good than to feel good." -- Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL %% "My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all." -- Stephen Hawking %% "My head is bloodied, but unbowed." -- From the poem "Invictus" %% "My heart belongs to you - Devon Wilde, esquire." -- Melanie reads Devon's card, "Heart on a Chain", Eerie Indiana %% "My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them." -- Steve Wright %% "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" "Not in California." -- Arnie Becker discusses marital infidelities on L.A. LAW %% "My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" -- MadameX %% "My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music." -- Vladimir Nabokov %% "My motto is: love like a poet, pray like a lawyer." -- Joe Kogel %% "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." -- "The Princess Bride" %% "My name is Inigo P. Fudd. You killed my millionaire. Prepare to own a mansion und a yacht." %% "My name is Marshall Teller, and I've learned an important lesson about Reality. In this life you can either follow the script they give you, or demand a rewrite. Here in Eerie, Indiana, _Weirdness Central USA_, you've gotta be ready to improvise." -- "Reality Takes a Holiday", Eerie Indiana %% "My name is Reese. Sergeant tech-comm, DN38416, assigned to protect you. You've been targeted for termination" %% "My neck's so sore I can't turn my head," he said stiffly. %% "My next storyline has the Punisher going after the Attorney General. This should be good." -- Mike Baron %% "My nipples explode with delight!" -- Monty Python %% "My notion of a wife at 40 is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties." -- Warren Beatty %% "My only books Were woman's looks, And folly's all they've taught me." -- Thomas Moore, "The Time I've Lost" %% "My opinions are my own ... as is my spelling." -- michael j zehr %% "My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities." -- James A. Michener %% "My past is my own." -- The Shadow (DC Comics) %% "My philosophy, like color TV, is all there in black and white." %% "My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure." %% "My purpose in life is to slam a stapler against the forehead of American pop culture." -- Weird Al Yankovic %% "My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!" "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!" -- Doonesbury %% "My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% "My stars, it's full of G-d!!!" %% "My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously. %% "My vision is not that good without eyes." %% "My wife and children are liabilities, and I haven't sold them, have I?" -- Ted Turner %% "NASA Announces New Deck Chair Arrangement For Space Station Titanic." -- Tom Neff %% "NASA Awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) Contract For Space Station Freedom" -- Tom Neff %% "NEW ELVIS UFO DIET CURES CANCER" %% "NO VAX TO GRIND" - A put-down administered to those without a dial-up line., and hence no access to the VAX, as in "Infidel! Let that terminal alone! You have no VAX to grind!" %% "NOW how much would you pay? But wait, there's less! Order now, and we'll include the amazing $17,000 coffee pot! It boils, it boils... it even boils!" -- Harry Shearer on Saturday Night Live %% "NT IS UNIX." -- Bill Gates %% "Nah, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn." "Yeah, would they send us someplace special?" -- Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in an Army recruiting station in STRIPES %% "Nah. You don't get it yet. See, I ain't inta gettin' burned. HELL no. Am inta burnin'. Man, I burn all *kindsa* shit." -- The Ganja Fire Man, from MIRACLEMAN %% "Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident." -- Mark Twain (1835-1910) %% "Nas darovaya" means "To our health." %% "Nat Goldstein and Jim Simmons in Florida, Curtis Beseda out west who has destroyed abortion clinics, these men are looked up to by my arm of the movement as the foremost heroes of the movement ...." -- James J. Condit, Jr., Cincinnatus Party's perennial candidate for city council, "Mike Cuthbert Show," WCKY_AM, 1/22/87, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Nature is very un-American. Nature never hurries." -- William George Jordan %% "Nature loves a vacuum. Digital doesn't." -- DEC sales letter %% "Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark than a moral." -- John Burroughs (1837-1921) %% "Naughty origami." -- Snoopy (ours, not Schultz's) %% "Nazis! I hate those guys." -- Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade %% "Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves." -- William Pitt (1756-1806) speech on the India Bill, Nov. 18, 1783 %% "Negative, sucker. You need a smoking pistol and you know it." "Right you are. Where are those handguns when we really need them?" -- Doonesbury %% "Neighbors!! We got neighbors! We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and I just had to shoot one." -- Post Brothers Comics %% "Neuro-linguistic programming is simply the zig-zag and swirl of menorgs and disorgs acting under the suction and pressure of the morphogenetic field." -- Clark Brooks (clark@cataract.caltech.edu) %% "Neurotic: Self-taut person." -- Author unknown %% "Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to tell the difference." %% "Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance." -- Cal Keegan %% "Never be angry when a fool acts like a fool. It's better when fools identify themselves...it removes so much uncertainty." -- Lord Peace %% "Never before has pornography been this rampant. And those films are lit so badly!" -- Woody Allen %% "Never counsel for contraception or refer to agencies making contraceptives available. Some volunteers may feel that it is the lesser of two evils, reasoning that if the girl is going to be sexually active anyway, why not at least help her from getting pregnant with contraceptives. This type of thinking is not only inaccurate but unacceptable and against the general pro-life philosophy, and Christian principles." -- Robert J. Pearson, President, The Pearson Foundation, in his guidebook, "How to Start and Operate a Pro-Life Out-Reach Pregnancy Service Center", 1984, as quoted in "The Far Right, Speaking For Themselves," a Planned Parenthood pamphlet %% "Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning." -- Marlo Thomas %% "Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there." -- Mickey Friedman %% "Never give a statist an even break. The State has never given us one." -- Andre Marrou %% "Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill %% "Never insult seven men when all you're packing is a six-gun." -- Zane Grey %% "Never kill a man, especially if it means taking his life." -- Woody Allen, "Love and Death" %% "Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that." -- From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor" %% "Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well. -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J. R. R. Tolkien, Chapter XII %% "Never pet a dog that's on fire." -- Anonymous %% "Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time." -- David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969 %% "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." -- John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK %% "Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix." -- QA manager %% "Never try to catch two frogs with one hand." -- Chinese Proverb %% "New York's record lottery prize of $45 million was claimed today by Raymond Simmons, an unemployed crack addict from Brooklyn. He said he planned no changes in his life-style." -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update %% "New and stirring things are belittled because if they are not belittled, the humiliating question arises, 'Why then are you not taking part in them?'" -- Herbert George Wells (1866-1946) %% "Newsweek," said Tom timelessly. %% "Next time the motherfucker calls, tell him suck MY dick!" -- Eddie Murphy: Raw %% "Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Letters and Social Aims" %% "Nice girls don't explode." -- Cerebus %% "Nice shooting, son. What's your name?" "MURPHY." -- From ROBOCOP %% "Nice tie... BONEHEAD!" -- Late Night with David Letterman %% "Nick! Heath! Jarrad! There's a fire in the barn!" %% "Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again." -- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" %% "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." -- Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) %% "Nigel, what are you saying?" "How do we know he's not Mel Torme?" -- Top Secret %% "Nine years of ballet, asshole." -- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune" %% "Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out. -- Zonker Harris %% "No FLACK! No HASSLES! No morons playing AL CAPONE in the lobby!" -- Liz discusses the advantages of being a CPA in FORTUNE'S FRIENDS: Hell Week %% "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country - he won it by making the OTHER poor bastard die for HIS country." -- General George S. Patton, Jr. %% "No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'" -- Professor Ralph Noble, RPI, Psychology of Motivation, Fall 1991 %% "No freeman shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), June 1776 %% "No generalization is worth a damn...including this one." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894) %% "No government door can be closed against the 1st Amendment and no government action is immune from its force." -- Bursey v. US (466 F.2d 1059) %% "No heavy pitch! No lame digression! We're at the peak Of our profession!" -- Jaques expounds on CLONEZONE's skills as a video tech %% "No human being can really understand another, and no one can arrange another's happiness." -- Graham Greene %% "No innocent man buys a gun and no happy man writes his memoirs." -- Raymond Duff Payne (from "Lake Wobegon Days" by Garrison Keillor) %% "No job too big; no fee too big!" -- Bill Murray, GHOSTBUSTERS %% "No love without freedom. No freedom without love. Simple truths. Worth dying for." -- A broken (or is he?) #6 speaks to the new #6 in THE PRISONER comic %% "No man is an island entire of itself. Every man is a part of the continent, a piece of the whole...if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. Any man's death diminishes me because I'm involved in mankind. Therefore, never send to know for whom the bell TOLLS, it tolls for thee." -- John Donne (1572-1631) %% "No man is competent unless he can stalk alone and armed in the wilderness." -- Townsend Whelen %% "No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately." -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne (1533-1592) %% "No man steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river, and he's not the same man." -- Heraclitus (540?-480? B.C.) %% "No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with timetables." -- Archie Goodwin %% "No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in session." -- Lysander Spooner %% "No man, examining his marriage intelligently, can fail to observe that it is compounded, at least in part, of slavery, and that he is the slave." -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), "The Portable Curmudgeon" %% "No matter what temptation there is after an accident to be economical with the truth when rationalizing it with hindsight, please remember it would be unforgivable if, by not revealing the facts or the complete truth, a similar incident became an unavoidable accident." -- Captain Colin Seaman, British Aerospace's head of safety %% "No matter where we are standing, the wind always blows right at us". -- MGW %% "No more ice cream ever, ever, ever again." -- Hallucinations and chocolate chip -- or is it real? THE MYSTERY MAN %% "No more rhymes now. I mean it!" "Anybody want a peanut?" -- The Princess Bride (book) %% "No offense, Sir, I'm just afraid of the unfamiliar." -- Mrs. Simpson, "The Simpsons" %% "No one can forbid us the future." -- Inscription on the base of Paris's monument to Leon Gambetta %% "No one can guarantee success in war, but only deserve it." -- Sir Winston S. Churchill, "Their Finest Hour" %% "No one holds command over me. No man. No god. No prince. What is the claim of age for ones who are immortal? Call your damnable hunt. We shall see who I drag screaming to hell with me." -- Gunter Dorn, "Das Ungeheur Darin" %% "No one in the world walks around saying, "We're number two! We're number two!" -- CBS Sports commentator John Madden on losing the Super Bowl. %% "No one who accepts the sovereignty of truth can be a foot soldier in a party or movement. He will always find himself out of step." -- Sidney Hook %% "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." -- Charles Schulz %% "No problem" -- Alf %% "No program is perfect," They said with a shrug. "The customer's happy-- What's one little bug?" But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, The others went home. As year followed year. He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" Night passed into morning. He died at the console The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, "Just change one instruction." He's just working late." -- The Perfect Programmer %% "No sweat! The Sheik is on the set. I didn't major in political science at The University of Illinois for nothing." -- SONIC DISRUPTORS %% "No time to fill our pockets, Hempy! Looks like Harrod's and drug addictions for us after all." "Blast! I was hoping to avoid that." -- Hempy's fate looks grim in DINOSAUR REX %% "No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently." -- Agnes De Mille %% "No wife of *mine* is doing any dishes. That's what we had the kid for." -- from Deathlok comics #1 %% "No! Do not try. Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'" -- Yoda %% "No! That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!" -- Airplane! %% "No! We will not die like dogs. We will fight like lions!" -- The Three Amigos %% "No, I'm not deaf.. I'm just ignoring you" %% "No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.' I think that's nice, 'cause really they have a hell of a time." -- someone in the crowd in "The Life of Brian" %% "No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one." -- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN %% "No, no, Mrs. Simpson. You have been oppressed enough for today. I will clean the dishes." -- Adil Hoxha in "Crepes of Wrath", from The Simpsons %% "No, no, no, NO! Perverts are hired by MARVEL!" -- Harlan Ellison %% "No, she's absolutely right," said Zeb, patting the enormous pistol at his hip. "This _is_ a penis substitute. After all, if I could kill at a range of thirty meters with my penis, I wouldn't need to carry this thing around, now would I?" %% "No, we shall not be telling the Royal Navy to `take back' Massachusetts today, son." "Mum's right. Yer such a bloody wimp, Dad." -- "Bloom County" %% "No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise." -- Rorschach's only, fatal principle, from WATCHMEN %% "No. 1.... The LARCH tree." -- Monty Python %% "Nobody here but us folk heroes." -- Doonesbury %% "Nobody hipped me to that, dude." -- Pee Wee %% "Nobody likes a smart ass vampire." "Pity there's never enough blood in a midget." -- Bon mots from Dracula, in "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." -- Edmund Burke %% "Nobody talks about my failures anymore, just my successes. In my 30 expeditions to 8000ers 12 times I failed. Real success in expeditions is coming back safe." -- Reinhold Messner %% "None are so fond of secrets as those who don't mean to keep them." -- C. C. Colton %% "None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible." -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work," p. 86 (1922): %% "None of this is bad for America, is it?" -- COCOON %% "None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME." -- Rorschach sets people straight. WATCHMEN #6 %% "Norm!" "Shh! Not now, you idiot!" -- CHEERS %% "Not a man. A machine. Cyberdyne systems model 101." "like a robot?" "Not a robot. A cyborg. Cybernetic organism." "Microprocessor controlled. Fully armored, very tough." %% "Not all subsidized science is necessarily bad, but all bad science is subsidized, how else could it survive." -- Petr Beckmann %% "Not all the conservative are stupid, but all the stupid are conservative." -- Benjamin Disraeli %% "Not bad. Were you aiming for the Ferrari?" "Yeah, but I thought it would have made a bigger dent." -- A large tyrannosaurus and Dracula discuss trajectories in "Dinosaurs For Hire" %% "Not everything is unsayable in words, only the living truth." -- Ionesco %% "Not problem is too big it can't be run away from" -- Linus %% "Not so much a double coset table, more a pile of junk" %% "Not the crappy little elves!" -- Bart in the babysitter episode ("Some Enchanted Evening"?) %% "Note and initial": Let's spread the responsibility of this. -- Kelvin Throop III, "The Management Dictionary" %% "Note to myself, this is probably not the best joke to pull on a girl with a heart problem." -- Marshall (after Melanie opens his gift), "Heart on a Chain" , Eerie Indiana %% "Note to myself: never make a deal with your parents without a lawyer." -- Marshall, "Who's Who", Eerie Indiana %% "Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Essays" %% "Nothing can be said so correctly that it cannot be twisted." -- Spinoza %% "Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) %% "Nothing can stop him. Not even common sense." -- Mark Komarinski %% "Nothing good has ever been reported about the full rotation of a race car about either its pitch or roll axis." -- Carroll Smith %% "Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), "Circles" %% "Nothing is beautiful unless it is large. Vastness and immensity can make you forget a great many weaknesses." -- Emperor Napoleon I, ruler and OS/2 user %% "Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Major Barbara" %% "Nothing we can't handle, folks. We're still America... and I'm still President." -- Ronnie Regan as Mr. Reassuring in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS %% "Nothing works...and nobody cares." -- Woody Allen %% "Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind ... everything really valuable has to enter you through a different opening." -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" %% "Nothing, not love, not greed, not passion or hatred, is stronger than a writer's need to change another writer's copy." -- Arthur Evans %% "Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab equipment, Norm. ... Yes, curiosity killed these cats." -- The Far Side, by Gary Larson %% "Notice anything?" the owner eagerly asked. "Yes," said his friend, "that fool dog of yours can't swim". %% "Now I know why they call television a medium: because nothing on it is rare or well-done." -- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE %% "Now I'll give YOU something to believe. I'm just one hundred and one, five months and a day." "I can't believe THAT!" said Alice. "Can't you?" the Queen said in a pitying tone. "Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes." Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one CAN'T believe in impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" %% "Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates. [pulls trigger] Well, what you do know... it disintegrated." -- DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24-1/2 CENTURY!! Looney Tunes, Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century (1953, Chuck Jones) %% "Now all we need is a one-legged nun walking a goat, and WE WIN!" -- My Chauffeur %% "Now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible - yea, and get the better of them." -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" %% "Now hear this! The father/son sack race will begin in 5 minutes on the north lawn. Participation is MANDATORY, repeat MANDATORY!" -- The Simpsons %% "Now here's something you're really going to like!" -- Rocket J. Squirrel %% "Now here's tonight's news. The fire department had its hands full with a two engine blaze today. The problem is we only have one engine." -- News Anchorman, "The ATM Machine", Eerie Indiana %% "Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything as mind-bogglingly useful as the Babel fish could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the NON-existence of God. "The argument goes something like this: 'I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, 'for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' "'But,' says Man, 'the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' "'Oh dear,' says God, 'I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "'Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next pedestrian crossing." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Now then. This is the situation. Roaches. Millions of roaches acting together under the direction of a human. Like me! Or Burt Reynolds!" -- One man and 50,000 rats against an army of Roaches. "Badger" %% "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." -- P. Buhr Computer Science 354 %% "Now we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze. But remember, because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quite rapidly. So, please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes." -- Minister in "Krusty Gets Busted", from The Simpsons %% "Now you have accidentally said something valuable!" -- Hercule Poirot in MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS %% "Now, HERE, you see, it takes all the running YOU can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!" -- the Red Queen from "Through the Looking-Glass", by Lewis Carroll %% "Now, I want you to look very carefully at what we have just proved. What we have just proved is false." [slight pause while what he has just said sinks in] "Oh dear, that's going to go onto the computer, isn't it." %% "Now, for the LAST TIME, old man, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" "And as I told you *already*, sir, I'm SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD OF IT!" -- A beauracratic villain and Uncle Max from ZOT! %% "Now, for use with your child's 'My Little Pony' playset, the 'My Little Pet Food Processing Plant!' -- from Real World Toys, caring about your child's future." -- Saw this on the net, and I'm not sure who originated it %% "Now, more than ever, it is evident that `good taste' only refers to that which reinforces the status quo." -- Andre Peret %% "Now, my faithful minions, let me explain my plan... for the benefit of the audience." -- The Kingpin -- not the fat one -- from Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series %% "Now, please excuse me while I wreak my vengeance." -- Huge the Barbarian from the same cartoon %% "Now, telephone companies are not stupid, at least for large values of 'stupid'." -- Michael O'Brien (Mr. Protocol) %% "Now... about my allowance..." -- Another bleedin' mutant from HULK %% "Nowadays, when opportunity knocks, you have to unlock both deadbolts, remove the chain, and turn off the burglar alarm..." %% "Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl Lehenbauer, karl@hackercorp.com %% "Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike." -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" %% "Nuclear weapons don't kill people, bad policies kill people." -- Bill Schmickle %% "Numbers written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" %% "Numerical Analysis? Ha! You should be on yer knees thanking the almighty that you're even ALLOWED to take Nu-mer-ic-al An-al-y-sis! When I wuz young we didn't have anything NICE like pansy Numerical Analysis to work with! Only STONES! Sharp ones! With bloodstains for subscripts! And let me tell you that finite element aggregation is NOTHING until you've worn your fingers to the bone summing matrixes of sharp, blood stained STONES! I mean...BLIMEY! I don't eat SQUIRRELS now do I!!? Well, maybe I DO but.. be fair!! A TA's godda eat sometime between miserable hours spent marking WEEDY assignments from MORONIC WETS!! I mean!! BLIMEY! Civil Rights...! My Constitutional...! I...! I...! YEEEEAAARGH!!!!" %% "Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone THAT!" -- "Bloom County" %% "Nuns - No sense of humor." -- HIGHLANDER %% "Nurse, fetch the patient a `Bud'..." -- "Bloom County" %% "OHHLYMPIAA! Olympia!" "Osiris!" "My friend!" "What has happened to your nose?" -- The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side) %% "OK, but be careful. In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska."